Torchgram

I was adopted at 9 weeks old by a military family. My father was typical of most NCO’s – away often and when home drunk more often than not. Family was dysfunctional – whose isn’t – but negativity was the order of the day. There was never one word of praise for anything that my sister (she was born 10 months after I was adopted – proof that when the pressure is off, things can happen) or I did. It was always how we could have done it better. Always taught to be more aware of what others think – especially the blue hairs at the Church of Our Lady of Hypocracy. We were taught what to think and when to think it and what we did had little value. This just sets the stage for my inadequate feelings as an adolescent/adult. As I grew up, I got very marks in school, but I was labelled as different. Very difficult time making friends because my interest were somewhat ecclectic and never ran to sports. In my town, if you did not play an organized sport, you didn’t exist. So I did not exist. As a teenager I held a variety of part time jobs until a McDonalds (TM) moved into town. Whoopee. I was part of the first hiring and fianlly felt accepted somehwere. (looking back at this I suppose it could have easily have been a cult of some description – or was it?). The other kids hired with me were very standoffish, but there was a manager who took a shine to me and made things OK. (I’ll bet you can see where this is going). After almost one year of making me feel special, he finally made his move and orally raped me. I was 17. (And no, I didn’t have fries with that). I trusted someone and this is what happened. Needless to say, my trust was misplaced and I have never really trusted anyone since. After that, I got fired (which was fine with me – if I got fired for stealing it was easier than coming up with a reason as to why I would quit, right?). My marks at school plummetted and I eventually only qualified for Community College. My parents, who had lofty goals of much higher ed were disappointed and never failed to let me know this. I completed one term of college, quit and went did labour for a year. was heavily into drugs and alcohol at this time, and settling down into a very long dark deprression. I went back to college bolstered by drugs and sailed through an electronics program. I became very promiscuous and felt that life was grand as long as I was stoned. At the end of 3 years of school, I met a woman of the new driven snow variety and tried to start my life over. I stopped the drugs and got a low level entry job and was doing OK. 8 years later (these things take time) we got married, more or less because I suppose there was nothing better to do. Then we had a kid. A baby girl. It was what my wife wanted, and since I never felt that I should deny her anything, because my feelings were never quite right (so I have been told continuously in life, so if I didn’t really want to have a child, then there must be something wrong with your thinking and besides, it’s selfish, too) My daughter is 5 weeks old, and she stops breathing – turns red and blue, kind of like sids, only in my wifes arms. She starts to panick and my outlaws who were there start freaking but no one is doing anything constructive. I grab my daughter from wifes arms and start performing CPR. My mother outlaw keeps trying to take her from me and I finally told her to **** off in between pumps and breaths. My daughter revived (and had a huge crap down the front of my shirt) and the ambulance came. She was placed in NICU for two nights and for the next 4 months she goes to sleep with an apnea monitor. This event, even though I was the ‘hero’, changed alot of things. Because my wife felt so helpless at what happenend, she resolved to never be more than one step away from my daughter again. I was virtually shut out with no chance of contact for almost the next 2 years. I became to feel very useless, and not altogerther mysteriously, clinically depressed with very strong thoughts towards suicide. My relationship with my daughter has improved (she is four now), but my wife daily reminds me of my distance and aloofness during her first two years, which she blames on me (???), and how tha matrimonial home is destroyed because of my toxicity. I used to be keinushi. I have been made to feel that everything is my fault because she is such a good mother, and that all of our daughters emotional problems are the result of my problems and the reflections of them. So, I have since mid last year slipped into a severe depression, that seems to grow darker as the days roll by. Well, dear reader, if you have made it this far, you are to be commended for your perseverance. I am not a great writer, but I just wanted you to know why I am here. I read tales that are far worse than mine, and that makes me feel better (is that a wrong thing to say – there but for the grace of whatever goes I), and I feel so much of what is said here that for the first time I do not really feel alone.

Star wars (obviously), books, and playing my flute