Ask A Spiritual Crisis

[Drow Venn]

The orchard on Yavin IV was a relatively new development that effortlessly blended the ordered structure of a farm with the scenic and chaotic beauty of the surrounding jungle. In a sense, it was the perfect metaphor for the path of the Jedi; taming one's self in the center of an untamed galaxy to achieve something beautiful and it was where Drow had been spending a lot of time lately. Part of it stemmed from him developing the orchard more and more but a lot of it was the recent chaos and darkness in his life decisions making him want a place to find serenity. What was interesting about today is that he asked someone to join him today.

Alexandria Voran was a Jedi Master he respected deeply and one of the few he felt he could turn to. The others were either on the Council, not yet Masters, or dead and neither option would have suited Drow very well for today. No, he was looking for a soul that had achieved full mastery of the Force and as close to inner peace as one could get to these days to hopefully guide Drow to a better path without ratting on him to the Council.

Because, the fact of the matter was, the Ishi Tib Master had been engaging in actions that were hovering right up to the edge of the Dark Side and would honestly result in some disciplanary action, if not expulsion, if the Council got wind of any of it. The events of Ajan Kloss had shaken him to his core and he had adjusted his treatment of the Sith as a result.

He'd killed several Imperial guards in cold-blooded sneak attacks to gain a tactical advantage during the liberation of Sullust. He and a Sector Ranger had disguised themselves and murdered a group of Syndicate slavers and blamed it on the Sith in an ongoing effort to create a rift between the Sith and Syndicates and gain the upper hand for the Jedi during the war. Even now, he'd been meeting with a rather ruthless Mandalorian and made plans for another false flag operation that was sure to have at least two people killed in cold blood. The Council knew exactly zero about any of this and even the stuff they did know about like the way he and Alex had brutally invaded a Sith's mind during an interrogation made him more and more unsure about the role he played in the Order, what level of tactics were acceptable to win this war, and whether or not he'd ever truly redeemed himself or if he was still the same cold-blooded mercenary he'd used to be. Could the sacrificing of a few lives now be worth the millions of lives that the Sith would be sure to take if they won?

He confessed all of this to Alex, knowing that she had every right to go to the Council and demand his expulsion. He wouldn't begrudge her at all for it but he was hoping right now for a friend to listen, understand, and, most importantly, offer up guidance.

"...and that brings us to here. I don't know what to anymore Alex. I'm starting to think the only thing I'm good at is war, even as a Jedi." Drow confessed somberly as the sounds of the Yavin IV forest filled up the silence.

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Who were they? The question plagued Alex’s thoughts. The Jedi Order was in crisis, but it only felt that way to those who looked closely. Her own spirit mirrored that conflict. Alex made promises to Max she intended to keep until her heartbeat froze…but little by little she compromised her values. She was willing to go one extra step to achieve the goal she wished. It was not the Jedi Alex wanted to be. Not the Jedi she was. The Morellian Master had never taken a life. She would never taken a life. She made some choices that felt just as painful. Alexandria Voran believed in the truest tenants of the Order. Love, Compassion, Charity, Devotion. She believed in avoiding violence and using their strength to heal instead of divide.

This was the face she presented to the Order. Her internal struggles belong to her alone. So it was, Master Voran had become a symbol of peace. A symbol of what the Jedi might strive to be. It was not her intent but here she was listening to Drow as he poured his soul into the orchard around them. He knew she would not pass judgment. He knew she would not run to the Council. Alex trusted Drow more than she trusted herself. Only Vahn had a greater piece of her heart. The Ishi Tib was a man of honor…a good Jedi…despite what he may have done. What had she pledged when Sullust was liberated? She would be there waiting to help them find the light again? Drow accepted a burden other could not carry. A burden Alex could not carry.

She met his eyes, carefully considering her words. “I have no easy answers Drow.” By the Force she wished she did. “You know my stance on taking lives. I won’t do it, I won’t teach it, no matter the circumstance….but.” Her mind flashed to Asminys standing there as she shredded his mind. “We have all done things of which we are not proud for the sake of the galaxy.” She started to walk through the trees. Was she wise? No. Had she gained some wisdom in her years? Yes. “The simple fact is we are at war, and we need warriors. We need those who can wade into the Shadows.” She shrugged. “I can’t do it. I don’t have the strength. It is not a weakness you have done that which others cannot.” She turned to face him again. “You are much more than the fighting you've done. Tell me, how did it feel when you did those things?” The Force whirled around them, ever changing.

@Fantasy Liver

 

[Drow Venn]

This was a surprise...and a relief. Drow knew Alex to be a compassionate individual but her understanding blew him away. There was no judgement, no running to the Council, nor even a call for a duel; all of which Drow was sort of expecting and, indeed, perhaps even felt that he deserved.

"It felt...wrong. But it's a feeling I was able to push down inside, always saying I was doing this to save lives or to prevent other Jedi from having to do the same things. And I still believe that but I'm worried I'm starting to cross lines I never would have before." Drow confessed.

"This has happened before too and I'm worried I'm destined to repeat this cycle. When I was a mercenary, I killed and I killed until one day, our company was tasked with quelling a miner's revolt and...I committed some terrible acts. I had a crisis of conscience, I sought the Jedi and things were better for a time."

"But then, I stopped a slaver's ring when I was a Padawan and when I saw what those slaving scum were doing, it made me so angry that I...lost myself a bit. I spent years tracking down slavers and putting them down. I almost lost myself until I saw how frightened a child was of me."

"And now, I'm worried the same thing is happening again. I find something, I fixate on it until I do something unspeakable. Why hasn't the galaxy punished me for any of this yet? Why am I allowed to kill while better Jedi than me die?" Drow asked, some pleading almost in his voice as if willing the Force to enact some sort of divine justice upon him at this very moment.

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Alex felt the relief in the Force. Drow had trusted her. He came bringing true conflict of the soul. She would never betray that trust. She firmly believed confiding in one another lead to healing. Hiding his doubt would only further shove Drow down a dangerous path. Alex let her mental walls down. Her fellow Master would feel all she felt. She hid nothing. He would see the honesty of her words, the struggles she faced. “You know I am almost a 100 years old?” She almost laughed. “I’ve been a Jedi for 80 odd years…kriff it doesn’t feel that long.” Her mind reached back to another life. “My parents were addicted to spice, I was a Corellian gutter rat. I stole, I fought, I drank, I smoked. I did things that left a stain on my soul.” Her Master had saved her life.

“I’ve made mistakes as a Jedi…I chose to invade Asminys mind because I was lazy.” Alex did not let those memories bubble up. She would not let them distract her. “We are not our lowest moments. We are not our mistakes.” Pain welled up in her chest. The unmistakable pain of loss. “Why are Max, Talak, and so many others dead while we endure? I don’t know...I wish they'd taken me instead of Max…but we are here, and we owe their memories the fight to be better.”

Alex turned to look at Drow again. “Why haven’t you been punished? You are here aren’t you? Seeking to avoid the mistakes of your past. Seeking to be the Jedi Master I know is in your heart.” Her voice pitched low. “You’re a fighter Drow, the Order needs fighters.” Her heartbeat in time with the Force. “You don’t have to take lives. You don’t have to hunt. You can resist that part of yourself.” Alex smiled. “I am here for you. Know that, no matter what, I will be your anchor in the Light.” She would not let Drow loose himself. She simply wouldn’t.

@Fantasy Liver

 

[Drow Venn]

Drow most certainly wasn't crying, no sir. Although he'd never before experienced it on this world, Yavin IV evidently had a huge dust problem because some of it was clearly causing his eyes to water up as soon as Alexandria reassured the Ishi Tib master that he was more than his worst moments and that she would be here to catch him if he fell.

"You know, I've been practicing my Vaapad skills since I got Master Drallig's holocron. It's a dangerous form and one Drallig cautioned leads you close to the dark side. It's difficult to use and not lose control. But I've found it's easier to wield when you have someone fighting with you to reign you in." Drow observed, almost idly.

"I'm glad you're with us, Alex. I'd give a hundred fighters to have one more of you in the Order." he said. The plans he'd laid with Taldorak were already in motion and he couldn't stop them now even if he'd wanted to. But he felt more sure of his purpose, that these actions were still done in pursuit of a noble goal. As long as he didn't lose sight of that goal, he wouldn't have to worry. Besides, he'd done so many bad things as a mercenary for nothing more than credits; it was nice to do them now for the good of the galaxy.

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

“Oh Drow.” She shook her head. “My part to play is easy. You and the others struggle so that I may appear grand and wise.” Alex smiled softly. “Just don’t tell my secret.” Her hand reached out to grab her fellow Master’s shoulder. “I will always be there beside you.” The Force rang clearly in her heart. “The skills Master Drallig enshrined in his holocron are beyond me…but I can be there when that rush arises…and I will be there.” The Order survived on the strength of their family. Max knew that better than any of them. For a long time, she had resisted that urge. What a fool she had been.

“We are a family and families do not abandon each other when the climb becomes difficult. We band together and we push on.” She was droning on, and she knew it but sometimes that’s what everyone needed. “Max saw that in all of us and I did not understand for the longest time.” Her aura rang with heart aching sadness. “Losing him made me understand we are not alone. The only way to get through any of this is to lean on one another.” Another sad smile. “We just have to make sure the others understand, and we don’t lose ourselves.” There was no easy path. A Jedi’s life was sacrifice. They did live to ripe old age for a reason. You lived, loved, and you gave all yourself to the Light. Just as Max had done.

@Fantasy Liver