Tabloid Galaxies Hottest Hunks

[Rich Magnum]

The camera would pull back, revealing the dastardly dashing Rich Magnum, clad in his usual wear, he sat behind his desk with a sly grin. "Hello, Rich Magnum here, with Magnum P.I. And today, I got a special treat for the ladies of the galaxy. Normally, I don't do these because well, we already know who would be at the top of the list, so to give the other guys a shot I removed myself from the running." He would say with a laugh and a nearly award winning grin.

"So, I went out and I did a thing. I interviewed three hundred gorgeous women and even put out a galaxy wide poll. And do I got a surprise for you at this list. It's the top five hottest studs in the galaxy. That's right folks, out of trillions and quadrillions of fish, these are the top catches! And like I said, this list will definitely surprise you. So, at number five we got Jedi Master @Vahn Berand ." An image of the Jedi in question would appear. "I mean ladies, just look at that beard! That rugged divinity. It's wonderful! At number four, and this was the surprise, ISC President Emryc Thorne . Now I mean, this guy is only six foot four and enters rooms like he's eight feet tall. And the suits? Can ya get them made smaller? That was a joke, of course he can! He just needs the perfect amount of strain to show off those guns from lifting the Outer Rim on his shoulders!" There was another laugh from Rich as he flipped through several images of Emryc Thorne. "I actually thought this guy would claim the top spot!"

"Alrighty ladies, number three! Apparently nerdy was in this time of year and the young tech wiz kid, @Newton Arden is just taking panties by storm! I mean look at this guy. Sweet face, real trusting demeanor, it must really work wonders! And the suit, just so dapper." An image of Newton would briefly flash on the screen. "Now number two.. How could I not see this one coming. You hate him, you love him, the guy is basically a robot.. Bom Trady! That's right girls, you for some reason got a machine fetish going on but here at Magnum, we don't kink shame!" Images of Trady playing Huttball would flash. "And the good news is, he's still single. But of course he is! Ya can't teach a robot to love!" he leaned close to the camera, voice low as if he were sharing a dirty secret. "Unless you're my aunt Martha, my uncle was good with tinkering." He winked at the camera. "Yeah, you perverts know what I am talking about." he would lean back to take a sip from his glass. "Now then, number one.. I gotta say, I am a little surprised.. The number one heartthrob for the ladies has the voice of a demi-god and the mustache that looks like it was sculpted by one. That's right, @JJ Johnson is the number one! You hot ladies and your daddy issues!" he would keep a straight face for all of five seconds before laughing. "I am just toying with you! Number one is Sector Hunk @Corran Velt . I mean look at that chiseled jaw, the beard!" the images would flick through some of Corran before stopping on one of him with his back to the camera. "And that ass. That is Coruscant's ass. Hell that is the Cores Ass! Ladies, today was for you, but seriously, JJ did somehow make the top fifteen.. so guys? Step up that game. Anyways, this is Rich Magnum, the P.I is out!"

The camera would pull back before the feed cut.

@Sreeya @The Steel Stag @The Good Doctor @TerranSteel @BomFreakingTrady

 

[Emryc Thorne]

Emryc was in the process of exiting a building on Thyferra when he was suddenly accosted by the media. He was used to sudden press interviews, but this time the topic was surprising. The half Sephi was dressed sharply as always, adorned in a navy suit and with his hair styled perfectly, chrono on his wrist.

“President Thorne! How do you feel about only being number four in the top five hunks list!?”

“-The what?” He asked incredulously, visibly surprised. He quickly recovered, face set back to default stoic as he continued walking. Every now and then a subtle application of the Force made people suddenly lose their footing or back away just a bit so he could make his way to his speeder.

Emryc was used to being on tabloids, and he despised all of it. He had learned to accept the good with the bad - going live on Holonet came with the downside of tabloids and ridiculous articles. The half Sephi kept walking as the media surrounded him. He had half a mind to find out the source of this tabloid and have the person assassinated. Perhaps a visit from Darth Raze was warranted.

“President Thorne, what’re your opinions on being ranked below Bom Trady?!”

The half Sephi paused then. He gazed ahead, but there was the subtlest twitch of his jaw. After a moment, he exhaled and flashed his usual smile as he looked back towards the reporter, “I offer my congratulations to Mr. Trady for being successful on this list since he appears to be slipping behind rookies like Poffo Sauvage in the Huttball rankings.”

There was a collective “oooooooh” from the crowd and stunned silence for a moment which Emryc used to make a slick escape.

@Rhogar

 

[Newton]

Newton was in his office, he had his companion astromech droid with him at his side. He was taking a bit of a coffee break in between doing more boring paperwork sitting behind his desk. In came Newton's secretary droid L3. L3 would then stride over. "Hello sir, it appears that you have been mentioned an awful lot in a short amount of in videos from a popular tabloid. Would you be interested in hearing about them?" Newton would then be puzzled. Why would he be mentioned a bunch in tabloids? Who knows. Newton doesn't care too much about media other than the holonet. Tabloids are usually not worth any attention

The Blackwell executive would then ask her "I guess people starting to recognize me as one of the brightest minds of the century?" he wondered, he thought highly of himself. To him, that has to be the reason. But his sassy secertary would then straight up shut that down. "No, you are one of the top three hottest hunks in the galaxy." Newton's expression was blank as he was taken aback, he didn't know what to think. Newton was surprised to admittedly, he knows he looks good, but top three on some sort of tabloid? Well... There would be a long pause. "Would you be interested to know that you are ranked above President Thorne?"

Well, interesting... He would take one last, long sip of his coffee. "Thank you... for sharing that." he slowly nodded his head. He can already see it now, some 'fangirls' trying to contact him or media trying to get him to go on reality holotelevision shows. Ugh. "Do you want to see the video?" L3 asked. Newton would then shake his head. "No. No thank you"

 

[Vahn Berand]

Vahn rubbed his hands together as he sat down at a makeshift table in the hangar of the Jedi Temple at Yavin. He had just snuck away from the kitchen after raiding their stores, pilfering a variety of ingredients that he was liberally slathered atop a round of flat bread as he hummed a jaunty tune. Some of these he recognized, like the savory, herbal clotted cream he was laying out over seasoned strips of meat. Others, like the crinkly dark green sheets he’d tucked into the layers he could only guess at. Was it a form of kelp? Aola had been getting better at detecting him when he was trying to sneak foods out of the pantry so he hadn’t been able to be very selective with his prizes. He thought he had snagged some Aleena peppers but he’d never tried them before. He’d heard they were spicy, but, well, he’d be the judge of that! Distantly, a holonet program meandered on in the background. He could tell it was some trashy tabloid about the hottest guys in the galaxy. Vahn snerked. He’d seen hot guys all throughout the galaxy over the years and they really only dug up the least offensive celebrities, focus tested and corporately approved for these programs. He was glad he’d never have to-

"So, at number five we got Jedi Master Vahn Berand."

He choked in surprise, recoiling into the bit of saucy flat bread right as he took a bite that suddenly proved far too large for the Jedi. He was suddenly at war with the sauce and meat in his mouth, struggling to contain the over large portion. A healthy bit of stiff, whitish sauce escaped around the flatbread and smeared across the beard around his mouth. The bite was far too large for him to swallow and it punished him all the way down, getting stuck in places while he pounded a hand against his chest to force it down. By the Force did that hurt!

After he managed to beat the food down, Vahn sat in stunned silence, and he looked around at the small crowd in the hangar that had gathered around him, curious and amused faces alike. Moments of awkward quiet passed and Vahn opened his mouth to speak, hesitating on exactly what he could say. The Aleena peppers kicked in seconds later and his face went red, perspiration dotting his brow and he could feel a faint moisture under his nose as he was left panting like an animal as the intensity of heat from the peppers burned hotter and hotter on his tongue. The cooler air only made things worse, of course. It was like someone had ignited a pound of conflagrine in his mouth and it burned its way all the way up into his sinuses. He wheezed, a hoarse, panicked sound as he could feel fight or flight starting to emerge from the recesses of his mind.

In desperation he seized the thermos of tea at his belt and started chugging. Rivulets of amber Alderaani tea streamed out of the corners of his mouth. It didn’t help. Somewhere, Vahn could hear a familiar voice behind him say “So then who was number six?”

@Rhogar

 

[Reiel Mal Crowholde]

In the privacy of her own quarters, Reiel was free of the weight – both literal and not – of the armor of her people. Without it she was just Reiel Mal, not the Mando and even the Crowholde who was more than prepared to employ carefully targeted violence to any and all opposition that stood her clan's, her people's, and her merry little way.

And of course...

Red crept on her cheeks and up the tips of her ears at the thought pf a certain ex-Jedi turned politician, and the small Mandalorian nearly choked on the spoonful of ice cream she was eating. Even the mere thought of Carrick's smirking face was more than enough to reduce her to a flustered state, and she waited in anticipation at the broadcast over the Holonet announcing the Galaxy's Hottest Hunks. There were only five spots waiting to be filled as this Rich Magnum announced, and the small Mandalorian was already confident on who dominated the list.

She knew she was biased, but come on. It should be obvious that her sorcerer should be on the list. Because if he wasn't, she'd be filing a complaint to Magnum himself or whoever the hell his superiors were.

At number five stood one Jedi Master Vahn Berand. Well, the guy sure got the looks, prompting a nod of approval from Reiel. Magnum's commentary was amusing as well. She didn't dig watching over the Holonet these past few days, too much doom and gloom on the front pages, so to speak. Perhaps she could even send an anonymous thank you message to Rich Magnum for giving the galaxy some laughs about stuff and lists he was making.

ISC President Emryc Thorne claimed the fourth spot. Reiel couldn't find the deal with the gents and ladies falling head over heels for the half-Sephi. Sure he was tall and handsome, but, eh. He was appealing, hot, yes, but he wasn't Reiel's type. In another life, maybe, but she really just couldn't find it in herself to be attracted to him.

Blackwell's Newton Arden was on number three. Good for him. A man with a brilliant mind. Looked like the fans didn't just dig men with good looks. The comment also went for Thorne and Jedi Master Berand. Nodding in approval at the list so far, Reiel scooped another spoonful of ice cream and frowned in confusion at the person on the second spot.

Who the fuck was Bom Trady?

"Just get on number one already. I already know who he is. Senator Carrick of Tinnel–"

"–Corran Velt."

"Huh."

Spoon and tub of ice cream settled on the table, Reiel rose from her bed, hands finding one of her pillows before launching it violently across the room.

"WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING KARK?! I DON'T CARE IF HE'S THE CORE'S ASS! HAVE YOU EVER LAID EYES UPON TINNEL IV'S?! KARK!"

Time to file an anonymous complaint.

@Rhogar
@Nefieslab (for that one Reiel fan girl moment XD)

 

[Corran Velt]

Grocery day was a sacred one. Out of the limited time Lieutenant Corran Velt got off work, this errand was his favorite. Picking out all the vegetables, spices, and proteins necessary to maintain a varied and healthy diet was fun. Being a single father, and not always with the baby around, cooking was one of the few pleasures he had when boredom struck. Plus there was always the breakfast food. How he loved breakfast foods. On top of that, the normally cadet-like Sector Ranger ditched his pressed and maintained uniform during such casual outings. Provided a little anonymity where a badge stood out. Corran wore an athletic-fit white t-shirt, untucked, paired with tan practical pants with boots. At present he was holding two different types of baby wipes in each hand, glancing between them in an attempt to judge which one was better. With a shrug, both were tossed into the basket. Silvi would definitely tell him which she hated more. Her shrill cries were worse than a concussion grenade.

As the off-duty lieutenant made headed towards the front of the store, only stopping to grab some baby food on the way, something on the HoloNet screens that provided bare minimum entertainment for those waiting in line to check-out had garnered more attention than usual. Corran was indifferent and oblivious to this as he sauntered up to the self-checkout and began laying out his groceries in their proper order. Frozen went with frozen. Veggies went with veggies. Cans all grouped together. Easier to bag that way. Gentle beeps confirmed each scanned item and he set it aside to bag. A spirited voice in the background mentioned Bom Trady. Win again, did he? Guy was a machine.

The blond ranger scanned the last item in his order when he heard his name blared from the Holo-set. He reactively looked up at the screen. A man with a comely goatee presented a photo of Corran, beard and all. What was this about? Wait a minute. Corran squinted at the screen. Was that his... ass? A news ticker rushed by at the bottom of the screen. In text it eagerly proclaimed Galaxy's Hottest Hunk: #1 Corran Velt. The reserved lieutenant's eyes became as wide as white Death Stars. "No," was the only word he could barely utter. He glanced around frantically. Some people were already staring. Others whispered to one another. Someone giggled.

Without another moment of hesitation, the embarrassed ranger slammed his forearm down on the register and slide as much of his unbagged groceries as he could into a bag. Protein and boxes didn't quite make it in and spilled onto floor. Corran scooped them up rapidly and threw them in together. All that organization reduced to blushing chaos. His credit chit refused to go into the scanner. One try, two try, come on!. Finally payment was accepted! Bags of unsorted groceries were hoisted up with adrenaline-fueled ease. Stares. It felt like the universe was staring. Even if they weren't. To any outside observer it looked like the 'Galaxy's Hottest Hunk' was fleeing from invisible rain that only drenched him. Corran's shoulders were raised to his ears and his feet were carrying him as fast as they could towards his speeder.

A trio of women, possibly unaware of what had transpired, practically jumped out of the larger man's way. Had. to. get. out. of. Here!. The flustered ranger didn't even store his groceries in the trunk. He tossed them all in a pile for the passenger seat, one even tearing clean open and spilling the contents. The vehicle powered by a thumb pressed so hard that the ignition nearly got stuck. With the speed of fleeing criminals that Lieutenant Velt so often chased, the speeder bolted from the store parking area and down the street and out of sight. Where he hoped to stay for a long, long time.