Into the Depths

Clove Vanhoop

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Independent
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Veterinarian

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LilyNion
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Clove's life had been going well; between her first kiss, creating her own little sanctionary on Yavin 8, and getting her first few nights of sleep without nightmares, it was safe to say she was on the right path.

She'd just returned from a trip to the Melodies, which she made regularly to befriend some of the singing wonders. She swirled in the small wooden diamond-shaped cabinet with light and airy steps, a candle light covering the cottage in a warm red. It wasn't much, but it had everything she needed and wanted: some comfortable chairs, a small but functional kitchen, a closet for all her clothes, and a cozy bed right beneath the windows on the second floor, allowing her to see the endless night sky above.

It was going so well that for the first time in Force knew how long, Clove dared to open her comlink and browse the messages her friends had sent her. Many people were supportive, wishing her well in her recovery, respecting her for taking the oath and cheering her on. She answered each one individually, moving down the list until she had addressed them all. Then there was the Padawan group chat. Although she was no longer a Padawan, many of her friends still were! So they kept her in the chat for the time being, even if she was quiet.

Idly Clove began scrolling through the chatlog, giggling at the jokes and good news—the classes seemed to be doing quite well!—and frowning at the sadder news—one of the kids broke their leg during a sparring session. But then she noticed something: they were discussing a news article while sounding rather panicked. It read;

"New Alderaan has fallen"​

New Alderaan had fallen? What? That had to be a lie, New Alderaan was a prime Jedi location. Clove opened the article in confusion and started to skim it, hoping that it was just some type of prank. But the further she got the paler her skin became, her stomach dropping deeper and deeper. Panic began to wash over her mind and body as her fingers danced across the screen, looking for a time stamp. Surely it was recent; she couldn't have missed the news of New Alderaan's demise. Surely it hadn't happened after the Sith broke out Altair, right? But it had. Only a few days had passed since the breakout when the article was released. The Sith stormed the planet, burning everything in their path, clearly out for revenge. An entire temple, bombed.

All because she had to imprison Altair to be a good Jedi.

She wasn't sure how long she'd been staring at her commlink in disbelief, but the stars had climbed their way up into the nightsky by the time the first scream escaped her mouth. Clove's knees buckled as the commlink flew through the air, colliding with one of the wooden walls and shattering on impact. Why? Hadn't she done everything correctly? She followed the protocols and even followed the unspoken rule of not killing unarmed prisoners. Kriff! She even tried to help Altair in escaping so that the Sith could leave sooner and with fewer casualties. So why did it turn out this way? Why did it always have to be this way?!

She knelt on the ground with her hands covering her face as if she were trying to hide from the galaxy, her shoulders shaking as sobs and screams rolled over her lips. Memories she desperately wanted to forget rushed back to her, the boulder smashing into a child and the mother screaming until her vocal cords shattered, Padawans screaming as they are carried away, corpses scattered left and right in a bloody hallway. Raze's visor and Aadya's predatory gaze, Altair's lifeless body.

She couldn't do this anymore.


 

Clove Vanhoop

Character
Independent
Rank
Veterinarian

Character Profile
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OOC
LilyNion
Joined
Sep 3, 2021
Messages
613
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517



Clove didn't start to move until the first sunbeam touched the windows. Her throat was sore and rough from screaming one too many times, her cheeks were stained with dried tears. She didn't want to move really, but her body was making too loud of a noise to be ignored. And after taking care of the bare necessities, including drinking some water and eating as much bread as her stomach would allow, Clove carried herself back to bed. She stayed there gazing out the window until her body caved in and sleep overcame her, only to be awakened by the same old nightmares, her skin covered in a cold layer of sweat.

Over time, she swapped out her floral white dress for a big pink tanktop. It was big enough for her to swim in, but she found some comfort in wrapping her arms around it and breathing in the warm campfire scent. That was until the half-Annfyn turned around one day and came face to face with the Tiefling. His violet eyes were rolling back into his head, his ashy skin was as pale as dust in the winter snow, and he had a large bruise on his sternum exactly where her hand could fit. Thunder rumbled distantly in her ears as his tall, bleeding body loomed over hers. She was on the verge of screaming when the Tiefling suddenly disappeared, leaving her gasping for air.

It became harder and harder to separate the nightmares and vision from reality as her mind spiraled further and further. And as nightmares and reality merged, the real world shattered. Clove left her bed less and less, ignoring her body's plea until there was no other choice.

And so, days turned into weeks, weeks into a month.

Dark thoughts raced through her head as she limped painfully back to her bed; her legs and spine had long since started to complain about the stiffness she had caused. But she didn't care; she was ready to give up. Give up the fight and finally find some peace. Until she suddenly heard a knock at the door.


 

Clove Vanhoop

Character
Independent
Rank
Veterinarian

Character Profile
Link
OOC
LilyNion
Joined
Sep 3, 2021
Messages
613
Reaction score
517



At first, she couldn't believe the sight of the Togruta at the door. If the month had taught her anything, it was to stop believing what she saw. But then he knocked again, this time pointing to the door handle and yelling her name. He was real. Ruzaan was actually there. She wasn't alone. With her eyes as wide as they could go, Clove turned away from her bed before stumbling as quickly as she could to the door frame and opening it. She stared at the Padawan in silence for a second before tossing herself against the boy's chest, the floodgates opening.

She sobbed in his arms for hours on end until there were no more tears left. And then there were many more hours of talking after, but to be honest, Clove had a hard time understanding what the boy was saying. Her mind was so cloudy and heavy. All she could remember was feeling happy that she could finally talk to someone.

The Padawan stayed for a few days, forcing Clove finally eat a proper meal and help her in cleaning not only her house but also herself. She had become a husk of who she used to be, her body unnaturally thin, her eyes and cheeks sunken, and her curls matted together rather than the flowy mane it used to be. And hygiene? Well. That wasn't exactly a concern of hers anymore. But he helped her through the worst before he eventually had enough trust in her to go away for a while.

Clove stepped outside the cabin for the first time in a month, her bare feet gliding across the grass. She took a deep breath of the crisp forest air as she raised her nose in the air. Although she meant to wave at Ruz's ship as it departed and return to her bed immediately after, she couldn't help but be overcome by how calming the sound of the wildlife was. She sat silently in the grass, her fingertips darting across the emerald blades as her eyes drifted to the treetops.

From that point on, the half-Annfyn made an effort every day to sit outside in the sunshine. Even if it was only for five minutes, she forced herself to leave the cabin. It wasn't much; her mother would say, "Baby steps." But these small baby steps helped her break through the worst of the spiraling, slowly clearing the fog in her mind. And as the fog slowly lifted and the flashes of her nightmares became gradually less frequent, something else grew. It was a thought, one that had been sparked by a seed that had just recently been sown in her mind. A longing for something better.

She had to leave the Jedi order.


 
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