Kōkō Urakami's Training (Cont.)

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((Continuation of Kōkō Urakami's Training. This thread takes place on Ossus in 12,976 BBY (3 years in the past), but since that forum no longer exists I'm posting it here.))

Kōkō used the back of her sleeve to sponge her forehead lightly as she considered what her master had just said. He was right, of course. She'd lived in the very controlled environment of the temple for basically her entire life, so not everything that she did or learned there was necessarily directly applicable everywhere else. It was quite a glaring oversight on her part, and she was actually surprised at her own silliness for not having realized it on her own much sooner.

She was even downright embarrassed for a brief moment before getting a hold of herself and remembering that the very purpose of training alongside a master was to fix such flaws. Whatever hint of pride Kōkō had felt quickly dissipated and was replaced by gratitude, as Raphael was actually doing her the biggest favor possible by letting her know what she needed to improve or correct.

"You're right, master, I suppose I hadn't really thought it through all the way," Kōkō admitted. She was very eager to better herself, but she also understood that things like that took time, so she was prepared to wait patiently and proceed at whatever pace Raphael deemed appropriate.

 

[Ols]

They walked on, coming further through the plains to areas more laden with vegitation, building toward a heavily forested area up ahead. Raphael would welcome the break from the hot sun on the back of his neck, but the humidity of the environment would be equally uncomfortable.

"We've talked a little about where you might begin to approach emotion, in a position to achieve the Jedi ideal, but emotional...let's say control for lack of a better word, is just one of a number of things that a Jedi has to bear in mind. If we're locked in our little cell with no chance of patrolling at large, what else can we do to remain a Jedi?"

Again the question was quite open, and he was quite happy for her to give any answer she wished, 'right' or 'wrong' was irrelevant, as long as she had reasoning behind her. Indeed he would be happy for her to build from what they had already spoken about, or even move onto something seemingly separate, the specifics at this stage mattered little to Raphael, he wanted to know how she thought of such things, and how she understood the path she was on.

 

[Hideous]

Seeing that they were approaching a dense area of forest, Kōkō knew that their little hike would probably get even more difficult due to the uneven terrain that laid ahead. At least there was the shade to look forward to, as it would give her pale skin some respite from the sun's rays. Kōkō tended to get sunburned rather easily, so she definitely would have covered herself in sunscreen had she known what her first activity as a padawan was going to be. Still, sweating and possible sunburns aside, the little march that Raphael had taken her on was enjoyable as well as educational in a slightly vague and philosophical way. Plus it was a pretty good way to bond, which she figured had to be a pretty important part of the whole master-padawan relationship.

"Well, I'm not really sure if there's any list of things in particular that I would know to point out. I've always thought of being a Jedi as a way of life...something that would influence just about everything you do, whether that influence is subtle or more glaring. I suppose that if we were locked up, the best thing to do would be to work on understanding ourselves and finding our personal inner peace, but that sounds so terribly cliche that I almost regret saying it out loud!" Kōkō replied with a tinge of humor, making fun of herself a bit for sounding like the stereotypical Jedi image.

 

[Ols]

"It's unbelievably cliche," he replied with a laugh, "but if nothing else, being at peace with oneself is the most basic of requirements a Jedi requires...and one most Jedi don't understand, one they're a million miles or more away from. To be at your inner peace, to know yourself, to understand that, in your little cell, is all you can hope to achieve. Yet we are not, for the moment at least, bound within cells."

As they walked further into the forest Raphael kept his eye out for something he was looking for. He was sure they were on the right track, although he had not been there in a few years. If they got lost that would be most embarrassing for him.

"We take many aspects of life into consideration to be Jedi, spiritual and otherwise. Consider the code, for example, we are guided to consider peace, knowledge, serenity and harmony to approach our mandate - although I do accept that there is overlap and tautological semblance in those buzzwords. In the same breath we are advised to be wary of emotion, ignorance, passion and chaos. Yes on both sides of the code there are links between what we aim for and what we treat with caution, and there are links within either side of the code. Do you see what I mean...where I'm going with this?"

 

[Hideous]

Kōkō laughed along with her master, feeling quite glad that they could have a little bit of fun while still discussing serious issues together. It was a nice start, indicating that they good chances of getting along well in the future. She hadn't heard of too many cases where padawans did at odds with their masters, but the ones she did know about had all ended badly. She also hoped that the whole thing about the cell was purely hypothetical and that Raphael didn't actually intend to lock her in one for an extended period of time as part of her training. It seemed very unlikely, but then again her master was certainly not the most predictable individual.

As Raphael continued speaking, Kōkō had to pick her own brain for a moment to remember what tautological actually meant. That one was definitely straight out of the thesaurus, as it was the first time in her life that she'd heard somebody employ it in a sentence. As far as she could recall, it had something to do with redundancy between words, and that made sense in the context of Raphael's sentence, so she was satisfied with it.

"Hmm, vaguely. Do you mean that sometimes it's necessary to draw from the elements that we should normally be weary of? Like...walking a fine line to use them when we have to without going overboard?" Kōkō was less confident about that answer than all the previous ones, but she tried her best to give Raphael something to work with.

 

[Ols]

"You don't have to use them per se, but many Jedi seem to think that by ignoring things like emotions and passion, they are by default on the right lines. That's not really the case...and rather ironically by choosing to ignore something they are immediately guilty of deliberate, avoidable ignorance," he responded.

Still walking, Raphael recognised a formation of trees up ahead and turned into a clearing. Rays of golden sunlight streamed fown through a few sporadic gaps in the treetops above like spotlights, and in the clearing was a circular rock pool, about five meters across. The Jedi master walked over to it, leaned over and splashed water on his face, before sitting, corss-legged on the ground, far enough from the pool so that it was dry and not damp. He indicated for Koko to sit opposite him.

"Be aware of emotions and passions, both your own and others, and explore them with caution so you do not get lost in them, but likewise do not reject them, a robot is no use to anybody. Knowledge is valuable, but nobody is capable of knowing everything there is to know. You will always be ignorant of some things, and others will have their own gaps in knowledge. Do not judge them for it, but look to correct what you do not know where you can. Deliberate and lazy ignorance is not something many can conone," a slight laughescaped his mouth with these words. Do not ignore chaos, there's trillions of beings in the galaxy across millions of systems and planets. That's pretty damn chaotic if you ask me, and that's just the galaxy we live in. These things are inescapable, but we can deal with them, feel them, see them, experience them without turning into a dark Jedi on the spot, as some Jedi would have you believe."

 

[Hideous]

Kōkō simply nodded to herself as her master explained how many Jedi contradicted themselves by exaggerating the tenets to the extreme. It was both shocking and fascinating to her, especially hearing it from the mouth of a Jedi council member. Kōkō herself had thought that she had a pretty good grasp of the Jedi mantra, but many of her beliefs were already being turned upside down or at least receiving considerable adjustments after less than a couple of hours. At that rate, it was downright overwhelming to even imagine how much she could learn from Raphael over a longer period of time.

She remained buried in her own thoughts and reflections until they arrived at the small clearing which had apparently been their destination all along. Accepting her master's invitation, Kōkō sat down across the pool, propping herself up with her hands and keeping her legs straight in front of herself. There was a nice, warm tingling sensation in her muscles from the effort she'd put in during the hike, making the break feel all the more satisfying.

As she listened to the rest of Raphael's speech, Kōkō continued to be amazed by how his vision of things seemed to be far more open and loose than anything she'd been taught at the temple. Admittedly, she didn't know too much about the galaxy outside of her immediate surroundings, but she still couldn't help feeling that Raphael's approach made much more sense, both practically as well as philosophically. It made her wonder why they weren't just exposed to a similar way of thinking from much earlier on.

"Umm...I don't mean to question the instructors at the temple or anything," Kōkō started, trying to remain polite. "But why is it that we're not really shown this sort of perspective as part of our lessons? You said yourself that many Jedi misunderstand their own tenets to varying degrees, so shouldn't something be done to correct that?"

 

[Ols]

"When a parent raises a child, they first teach them never to lie, that it is morally wrong and doing so will only ever lead to bad things," Raphael replied, "the parent doesn't necessarily believe this itself, in fact it would be a stupid person to believe that, but right and wrong, good and bad is much simpler when dealing with a young child. As the child grows, develops and learns, both through its own endeavours, and with the parent treating it in more grown up fashions, it slowly realises that lying in itself is not necessarily a bad thing."

"The child learns that a lie can be used for a number of purporses, in a number of ways, as it grows older. It understands that lies sometimes can cause harm, and sometimes they are used for good, to protect people, to make them happy; and then that lies have levels, white lies tend to be less potent and, although the parent still strives to have the child only tell white lies, using the new moniker to try and guide them away from hurting people. And still the child grows older, the lessons it has learned from it's parents stay with it, although it is now old enough to take on the responsibility of how and when to lie if they feel it appropriate."

"Likewise, the masters keep things basic, in black an white for the younger students. As the initiates grow and learn, they are slowly given more information, more independence, and as they are taken on as padawans, usually at the age of 12 or 13, they take a giant leap forwards in the responsibilities and knowledge. Granted, many Jedi make mistakes, and some trust in their early lessons almost too much, but many Jedi are intelligent beings and overcome whatever naiveties they held in younger life."

"There is nothing wrong in trusting your early lessons, by the way," he added, "but as all Jedi must strive for knowledge, we must grow and adapt, and most importantly learn to let go of things, even those we have held close and dear as small children, that we thought would never change. Does that help answer your question?"

 

[Hideous]

Kōkō only partially understood Raphael's explanation, in no small part due to his choice of analogy. After all, she'd never actually had parents. Technically, she did, but not in any way that mattered. She had very little knowledge about how children were raised, but even so, she couldn't help but imagine that practices probably varied wildly between species and cultures. Regardless, Kōkō could at least appreciate the rationalization behind the whole clearly defined, black and white approach for Jedi younglings even though she didn't fully agree with it. It seemed to her that adapting the method of teaching to suit each individual student on a case by case basis might have been better, but then again there was probably a good reason that that hadn't been done yet, whether it be lack of resources or whatever else.

That wasn't really the main concern on Kōkō's mind anymore, though, as the conversation between her and Raphael had touched on much deeper issues. "Yes, it helps. Thank you for explaining." It was true that it had helped somewhat, and they could always have a more in-depth conversation on the topic at a later time if need be. "Since you sort of mentioned it, I think that I may have a bit of a problem. My parents...I can't help but imagine what they would be like; what my life might have been like if they hadn't brought me to the Jedi. I try not to think about it too much, but it's often a great source of sadness and uncertainty to me."

Even as she spoke, Kōkō's voice trembled slightly with emotion. Her family - or lack thereof - had always been a sensitive spot for her. More particularly, it was pretty much the only thing that she deliberately avoided sharing with people most of the time for whatever reason. Maybe it was because such thoughts weren't very Jedi-like, or maybe avoiding the issue was a sort of defense mechanism, but whatever the case it remained something that she didn't talk about. Now that she finally had a master, though, she thought that perhaps he could help her deal with it somehow.

"Please, don't misunderstand me, master. I'm infinitely grateful for everything that I have and I don't regret anything...but I just can't help wondering; wishing that I could meet them." Kōkō blushed slightly, feeling a bit of guilt and embarrassment as if she'd admitted to some sort of wrongdoing. It was a difficult subject to bring up, and she was especially worried about Raphael's reaction to it, but it was getting progressively worse and Kōkō knew that it would be better to deal with it sooner rather than later.

 

[Ols]

Raphael could see in her face that she wasn't completely happy with his analogy, even if she swallowed the potential prolonging of the conversation. He smiled and said, "Trust me, one day you'll be wandering through the temple and a youngling will come up to you with a problem...trying to explain the intricacies of morality and the code and the tenets to a young child I'm sure will be enough to convince you it's far easier to begin basically and worry about more of the complexities when someone is of a more appropriate age to understand why you tell them one thing, rather than them just repeating what you say because you're older and in their eyes wiser. That's something I learnt the hard way," a slight laugh escaped his mouth with that.

As she moved on in the conversation he became silent, listening to what she had to say. He did not immediately say anything but sat in silence as he turned over what she had said. He breathed slowly and calmly as he considered the best way to respond.

"It is not uncommon for Jedi to experience such thoughts; the vast majority of us are brought here when we are still in infancy. It is the way we are, we don't tie ourselves to family, we live free from attachment. To do otherwise is not be a Jedi. And that is something that you have a choice. As a child, and this is true of children who are not Jedi also, your parents try to make the best decisions and choices they can for you, and for whatever reasons that they make such choices many accept that they're children will be taken for training here and they will most likely never meet again."

Raphael himself had also never known his family, he had been in the order since his earliest memories. He continued, "Jedi masters who locate such children are always careful, they always have the child's best interests at heart, which is the same thing that they explain to the parents. They make that choice for the child, your parents made this choice for you. But it is not final, there is no obligation that once you are part of the Jedi order you must remain one for life, it is in that where you must make your own choices. And of course there is a choice. As it stands you have chosen to remain a Jedi, but there may come a time where you wish to no longer be one, you may wish to have a family, form attachments. The Jedi way contrasts this, we let go of such attachments, we do not raise new families. This is, of course, your own choice, as it is every Jedi's, but in making that choice, if you cease to be a Jedi, and there is almost no chance of reversing that decision."

"I will not tell you which is right or wrong, you must decide that. I will stress this, however: do not focus your mind on speculative wonderings, what could have been, what could still be. Regardless of ifs and buts, what has happened is done, and what will happen will be...past and future are both set in stone, the difference is we know what has happened, we do not yet know what will come to pass, even the Jedi masters with their far-sight cannot see definitely. It is the Jedi way to let go of such things, of what might have been, what might be, and to instead focus on the present."

 

[Hideous]

Most of what Raphael said in response to Kōkō's comment about her parents was nothing particularly new or surprising, leaving her just as torn on the subject as she'd always been. Her rational side conceded that he was probably right, and that it was pointless to speculate on potential outcomes that could have been, but there was more to her than just a rational and impartial mind. Kōkō's heart kept reminding her that such things were far more easily said than done, since no matter how hard she tried to block certain things from her thoughts, it proved to be entirely futile. She didn't know if it was her fault for not being strong willed enough or if it was simply an impossible task, but it was both frustrating and worrisome.

The simplest and probably easiest answer would have just been to forfeit her Jedi title and attempt to live a normal life, just like normal people who had normal questions and emotions concerning their pasts. The idea was far from appealing to her, though, as Kōkō has no intention of leaving the order, and certainly not over such a thing. She preferred to keep wrestling with her proverbial demons until finally taming them somehow, no matter how difficult. After all, it was said that time heals all wounds, so hers would eventually begin to fade as well.

Kōkō wasn't quite sure where to go from there. There was no point in lying and telling Raphael that she could simply forget about the whole thing, especially since he would surely see right through it, but she didn't want to come off as being too weak to handle it either. "I'll continue trying my best, master." The promise was genuine, but Kōkō couldn't help but feel that her reply was still rather lackluster. Still, despite the fact that the was delicate and somewhat uncomfortable for her to discuss, it had at least allowed her to clearly highlight one of her own deficiencies. It would probably end up being one of those things that didn't kill her but instead made her stronger, so things would work themselves out in the long run.

Shifting her position slightly so that none of her limbs got sore or numb from staying still in the same position for too long, Kōkō wondered what Raphael had in store for her next. She was still excited since the whole experience of having a master was very new, but that didn't stop her from remaining patient and waiting until Raphael decided that it was time to leave or talk about something else in particular.