Master Ry-Nin Sa’lari

Mr. Teatime

Story Admin
Administrator
Joined
Dec 3, 2011
Messages
1,584
Reaction score
470
Hello @Master Ski and welcome to the forum! Glad to see you're curious and getting stuck right in from the start.

There're some issue notes with this bio in its current form that I've organized below in spoiler tabs.

Near-human is fine, but ageless/living since "30,000 years before the galactic civil war" is far too much, please adjust that appropriately. Height and weight seem fine perfectly fine. New characters can't start at the rank of Jedi Master. They must start as either a Padawan or Knight. Side-note, his title ("Jedi" etc) doesn't need to be under his name, but that's per preference. I already mentioned the age and rank issue, which leads into: A new character can't have had the many meetings, apprenticeships, personal friendships, etc. with various canon and legends characters.

His unknown and destroyed planet of origin I'd suggest removing.

There're some Force abilities strewn around in various places, but I'll cover them in a different tab. I'd suggest keeping Force abilities to their own section for ease of reference, though.

Please read over the character creation rules: HERE

As mentioned previously, there are far too many references to personally interacting with canon characters over a long period of time. Grey Jedi in the way you're referring to Ry-Nin (Someone who seems to "walks the line between Light and Dark" or wields both sides of the Force) aren't a thing on our forum. It's one or the other, generally speaking.

Having already built a "massive spy network" also can't be included. That's the sort of thing that needs doing in the roleplay itself through threads with others.

In short, Ry-Nin is far too skilled. Master of all lightsaber forms including sub-forms, taught by various canon masters, rivaling various canon masters in skill, never misses with a blaster, master pilot, and so on.

Shatterpoint, Midichlorian Manipulation, Flow Walking, Life Shaping, Instinctive Astrogation, and Force Destruction are not approved Force powers in our Lore archives, nor are they something a character can really start with. I don't think Vaapad (as opposed to Juyo) is either, mostly because it's a lost and untaught art. And Ry-Nin can't have been taught by Windu.

These also wouldn't likely be available in the present-day Jedi archives. He needs to start with skills and knowledge more representative of a Jedi Knight or Padawan, whichever you choose.

A blaster pistol is fine, but I'd suggest picking one from the Tech section. There's a mostly-complete list of available tech: HERE.

White-bladed lightsabers aren't really a starting item since they have to be purified bled crystals, and they can't belong to a legendary character like Ajunta Pall. I'd also suggest keeping bio details in the bio section rather than gear, OR, include spoilers tags/tabs for item details you want to include. I can help you with the code for that if you like, it's simple stuff.

For the other things (items 3 through 7), those are also covered by the Jedi Utility Belt: HERE if you want to include it, but they're generic and so perfectly fine as is.

The Eta-2 Actis Interceptor isn't on the approved tech list at the moment but you can submit it if you like. The mods on it are a moot point as a result, but there are similar mods in the tech list. Otherwise, I'd suggest something from the above-linked tech list under Spacecraft -> Bombers & Starfighter tab as an alternative. R3-CH's model is fine (It's on the tech list under Droids -> Astro & Pilot Droids).

Some modifications are a no-go. Specifically: Security codes for various crime groups, knockout gas, special vision modes on periscope (X-ray in particular), and the circular saw modification. I do like some of these ideas for droid modifications, so feel free to write them up! The saw, modified periscope (although not X-ray), etc. would be awesome additions.

Other details that need to be removed are his extensive participation in historical battles and having fought and killed Ajunta Pall. Ajunta Pall may not actually exist in our site canon and doesn't in Disney canon. Andraste was the first of the Sith Lords. So for the moment, Ajunta Pall is introduced Legends material.

The Yuuzhan Vong don't exist in the SWRP timeline, as well. I strongly suggest going over the character rules and guidelines, as well as reading other people's character bios as examples. You should've gotten some extra links in a welcome private message as well.

Here are some Jedi Knight bios I think are good examples in different bio styles/formats: Knight Celeste, Knight Vesper, Knight Tazlen, Knight Samara, Knight Zathria, and Knight Jon.

Overall: this bio needs a significant re-write with the above issues corrected. Ry-Nin can't be put into threads in his current form.

I'd be happy to discuss the character, ideas, rules, tech, and so on with you ideally over Discord. I'm Mr. Teatime on there as well, with a blue name. Feel free to ask questions of myself or others in the community, we're a helpful lot. Looking forward to see what you come up with!
 

Master Ski

New Member
SWRP Writer
Joined
May 2, 2022
Messages
5
Reaction score
8
I think I’m just going to delete the character and pass on joining. It took me almost three days to write all that out, doing proper research and really giving my character a rich history, biography, and backstory. I’d basically have to redo the entire thing based on the “rules” of the forum, so I appreciate you taking the time to read it, but I’m going to have to pass because I’m not going to spend another three days rewriting another character that fits into your little box. Thank you.
 
Top