Ask Coruscant Sign of the Times

[Lorcan]

Lorcan had gotten the confession, signed and videoed so that everyone could see that he wasn't holding a blaster to the CEO's head. Instead the man was coming to terms with the fact that he was going to have to deal with the fallout - it likely had something to do with the fact that Lorcan had taken him to the underground lab that had started this whole mess.

Seeing the grim reality of what he had been arranging had been enough to make the CEO lose his lunch and begin to genuinely confess and denounce his own actions and those of his company. In the end, Lorcan had let the man go with a copy of the evidence they had gathered and the video he had shot. If the man was serious about accepting the consequences then he expected to see the story breaking soon.

And if not he had his own copies.

But now he was back at the doctor's surgery he had told his ally to head to. Settling up his account with the back street doctor, Lorcan turned to leave.

"She's in the recovery room by the way."

She was still here? Guess the CEO turning compliant had cut down on some time... might as well make sure the doctor had done good work considering how much he had been paid. Nodding to the doctor he was led into the recovery room where, sure enough, Doc was. The back street healer left the room and closed the door to give them some privacy. With the other man out of sight, Lorcan allowed his shoulders to slump slightly as he trudged over to take a seat closer to Doc and further away from the door.

"He treat you well?" he asked her, "Any complaints from a professional stand point?"

@KillaRee

 

[Dr Ilana Morata]

She'd almost not gone to the Doc he recommended.

She had stood on the deck of her recently acquired Scoutmaster, prepared to take off to the anonymity of some far flung backwater planet to heal and clean her own wounds, but the pain got enough that she went there anyway. But she was mildly surprised to see the Ranger silhouetted in the doorway, after fully expecting to never see him again.

Funny how these things worked.

She slowly turned her head to face him, amber eyes calm. She slowly sat upright, grunting when the edge of pain still bit into the blaster wound site. Gritting her jaw, she forced herself to swing her legs over the edge and look over at him before responding, her voice a quiet, low rasp.

"He's good," came the dry response, arms bracing her from either side when she gazed up at him. She was without her armored jacket or shirt, the bandages visible when she spoke. "Knows what he's doing, doesn't talk too much."

Her gaze panned over his face again, taking in every detail, head cocked slightly as he came closer. When she finally spoke again, her voice was quiet and calm, as though nothing had happened. Perhaps he was bothered by recent events and came to be square with her? She couldn't think of any other reason why he'd bother to be around her, apart from that. "Get what you needed?"

@Nefieslab

 

[Lorcan]

Well he figured the doctor knew what he was doing since half of Lorcan's childhood friends should have been dead if it hadn't been for the doctor. Part of the problems that came from coming from a poor neighborhood on Coruscant was that you got to hear about all of your friends dying or getting into crime. Honestly as strange as it was to say, Lorcan was probably the closest thing to a paragon of virtue that his old haunts had produced.

And he was a karking headcase even in his own opinion.

Without his helmet on it was clear as day that Lorcan was beginning to lose even more sleep than before. Running a hand through his hair, he nodded absently.

"He's good."

Closing his eyes, he leaned back in the seat he had taken to groan slightly. He wanted so desperately to just sleep, to rest, but he felt as though he couldn't.

Many miles to go before that.

"Brought the CEO to the lab where they did it - he got so disgusted he helped me film him admitting to it all and I gave him copies and let him go. If he breaks the story himself then great. If he doesn't?" he shrugged helplessly, "I don't know what I'll do but the ball will be in my court."

He just stared up at the ceiling.

"... you one of those head-shrink docs by any chance?"

Spoiler: Dice

The CEO does, in fact, turn himself in with the evidence and names no conspirators

@KillaRee

 

[Dr Ilana Morata]

Ah.

Well... that was good news, wasn't it? He got what he needed to have done... then why was there dissatisfaction? She frowned slightly, head tilted. His emotions were a strange combination of shame, an edge of anger, exhaustion... and something else, something she couldn't quite put a label on. But seeing the shadows in his face, the worn ruggedness of his expression, she sighed slightly, leaning back.

"Certified physician, with a minor in psychiatry, yes," came the response, head tilted.

"We don't have to talk here, you know." Amber eyes were thoughtful, distant. Perhaps talking what bothered him wouldn't be wisest in a doctor's office she was unfamiliar with, but more familiar territory. "Would you prefer going to your place to talk, if you need it?" She didn't discuss it as a need to comfort, but as an alternative based on personal experience. How he would take it depended entirely on him, but there was also a part of her that hated lingering in any doctor's office that wasn't her own.

Doctors did make the worst patients, after all, and pain or not she wasn't going to linger here any longer than she absolutely had to.

@Nefieslab

 

[Lorcan]

... she actually was a head doctor?

He looked at her strangely for a moment before deciding that it didn't matter much. She was one of those freaking Force people who the kark did it matter that she also knew how heads worked? Might mean she was better at messing with people's minds and might mean she respected the mind too much to do it to him. Though that last option was far too optimistic to be his go-to option he would admit to himself if no one else.

Going home?

"Don't have a fixed address on planet." he admitted, "Just use the bunk houses set aside for Rangers at local police stations but I've got my ship."

It was more private that this he supposed.

Standing, he beckoned for her to follow her and he took her to his ship in silence. It was docked on one of the landing pads on the same level so it was mostly used by criminal types... all of whom had decided to leave the heavily armed and armoured ship alone. Unlocking it, he gestured for her to turn left into his room (it had been meant for a room for four but he'd had it renovated) instead of the cockpit.

"Take the chair."

There were some case files still strewn about the place but they were older cases, all of them already closed so her taking a peak wasn't going to ruin anything. Might mean he had to arrest her but nothing too serious. Sitting on the edge of his uncomfortable bed, he fished two bottles of beer out of a mini-fridge built into the base of the bed.

He tossed one to Doc.

"So then Doc... how's this bit work? You ask me questions or do I talk?"

@KillaRee

 

[Dr Ilana Morata]

She limped in with just about as dignified an air as she could muster, which was to say given the circumstances pretty well. He didn't trust her as most did; a wise choice in her own humble opinion, but she wasn't going to let him know that. She caught the beer, giving a terse nod in thanks before settling into the chair. It was just about as spartan a place as her own was, but his was messier; she itched to straighten, but suppressed it by leaning back into the chair, setting the bottle on a clear spot on the desk.

She crossed her legs with a wince, then leaned back, giving a one-shouldered shrug. "You talk first, on whatever comes to mind. I'll ask you questions as we go along, and if there's anything that you want to let out in depth, we discuss it for as long as you're comfortable." She laced her fingers around one knee. She had snagged her clothes while they left, and wearing that, at least, made her feel a little more of the professional that she was, and less like the woman she was becoming.

But now was time to dwell on someone else's problems.

@Nefieslab

 

[Lorcan]

She was a neat freak unless he'd missed his guess based on how she initially stiffened and forced herself to relax upon seeing his place. Yeah unfortunately for her, Lorcan didn't like to organize his work or living space. He was the type of person who thrived on the chaotic nature of the space to get his mind working properly. Sometimes it was a pain to find specific things he would admit but it worked overall so what did it really matter?

The fact that he was about to pour his guts out to an almost complete stranger was odd but at the same time oddly comforting. This wasn't like the shrinks at work that could, and would, have him riding a desk at the first sign of any issues. Doc didn't have that power over him even if he told her everything.

Power dynamics as the online shrink blogs called them...

"I've killed a lot of people recently." he admitted at length, "Some on the missions with you and some on a recent set of missions for the Rangers openly and I... ah..."

He took a drink.

"I can't say that I really... hate it." he shook his head, "Look I worry about the fact that I... don't worry and don't get upset over killing anymore. What the kark does that say?"

@KillaRee

 

[Dr Ilana Morata]

She listened, amber eyes fixated not directly on him, but on a spot on the wall that she wasn't even going to try to guess the origin of. He wanted answers, not words of comfort, but she couldn't give him all the answers he wanted. Instead she merely waited until his final question before she responded.

"You're wondering why it no longer bothers you," she reiterated, frowning. "Let me ask you; was there an exact moment that someone's death didn't haunt you? Or was it after something in particular that their deaths, the numbers, no longer tolled?" She tilted her head, now regarding him directly with a sharp stare.

"One meaning from what it says is you're becoming numb to loss," she answered quietly, "or perhaps, that the ends justify the means. Did others' lives ever matter to you before recently?"

@Nefieslab

 

[Lorcan]

Ugh Lorcan hated talking about himself like this.

Ask him to big himself up and he would be his own best advocate but he was bad at looking at himself, really looking at himself, and seeing the worst about himself. He knew his failings were there and he ignored them because why the hells would be dwell on things like that? Things he couldn't change? The simple answer was that he wouldn't do that so he didn't.

But he was beginning to get to the point that he couldn't ignore it. That one of his failings had gotten to the point where it was a problem for him that needed to be fixed as soon as possible. He was a career orientated person who wanted people to look up to him and he was never going to get a karking promotion if he was defined by his bloodlust and turned into some dirty cop.

He refused to be a dirty bloody cop.

"You're damn right I'm worrying about it." he snapped instinctively before sighing and rubbing at the bridge of his nose, "Look I am not this kind of person. I've never been some bleeding heart shite for brains bleeting on about the 'rights' and shite for pirates and murderers and slavers and karking dirty cops - they've always deserved it in my eyes, you get me?"

His hand lay over his eyes.

"But yeah killing them always used to do something to me, you know? Knot my balls or twist my gut or whatever." he admitted at length, "Now? Kark doc, I was drenched in the blood of three different people and I didn't give a shite. I thought at the time... and even now... that it was kinda funny how to the rookie looked at me, you know?"

@KillaRee

 

[Dr Ilana Morata]

She didn't react to him snapping at her, merely stared at Lorcan for a few beats, legs tucked neatly and spine tall. It wasn't the first time someone snapped at her, and his anger was justified in its' own way. Still, she was here to be nonjudgemental, and she would remain so until he was done.

She didn't even react to him dryly stating it as funny for the dead lad in a sense, but merely waited a few more beats.

"I'll not make assumptions for you," she stated dryly, hands wrapping around her knee. "But I'm guessing you're on the job almost every day of the week, and in highly stressful situations. Your mind cannot cope with what you've done. At least, not in the way you find rational." Her eyes leveled to his critically, then she, too, took the top off her beer and downed a gulp.

Not professional, but she was dying of thirst.

"How are you sleeping, eating, generally managing on?" she continued, waiting patiently for his recount of his personal health. For now, she wouldn't give any easy answers; it wasn't the right time yet.

@Nefieslab

 

[Lorcan]

By the Gods and the Force she really was a shrink wasn't she? He snapped at her and not only did she not bat an eye but she didn't whimper and ask him to "apologize for offending her" like some kind of milk drinking pissant like those Jedi from one of his missions. Rolling his eyes at the mere memory of the self-righteous pricks, he laid his hand over his eyes and tried to focus on the present or, barring that, at least what he was here to discuss.

Yeah he was pretty much always on the go.

Some of it was drive to be the best damned Ranger he could possibly be and some of it... well some of it was because he really just kind of lacked any kind of life beyond it. All of his friends were Rangers or worked with them. All of his hobbies were tied closely to being a Ranger and until he had started working with the Doc on this job he had only ever found working with other Rangers to be anything more than an exercise in patience and not-killing-morons.

"I don't take days off, no." he agreed with a shrug, "It's part of the job I signed up for and I knew that back when I was, like, eight. Didn't care then and don't care now. Besides, what the kark would I even do with myself during days off? They sound boring as hell."

Ah...

He fidgeted.

If asked he would deny it, of course, but playing with the beer cap in his off hand was fidgeting. He rolled it across the back of his knuckles before catching it and doing it again.

"I eat alright - I've got these flash frozen meal packs that are actually pretty high in nutritional value."

Tasted like shite though.

"Drink occasionally but not as much as half the force. Not a big water drinker but I like fruit juice. One from Lothal I really like."

He couldn't remember the name of the fruit off the top of his head.

"But ah... sleeping is..." he frowned and took a drink, "I haven't slept more than a couple hours in the last three days. Can't say it's all that uncommon for me either."

@Killa Ree

 

[Dr Ilana Morata]

At least he didn't snip over the fact that he might be overworked, or overly exhausted. If he was this worried about going astray from the path he wanted to go, perhaps she wasn't the wisest choice for a shrink. But she had to remain impartial, calm and collected in her own manner before speaking up. Listening to him talk, you'd have assumed he lived a quiet life.

Yet beneath that thin skin of quietude lurked something that even disturbed him. And from what experiences they shared, nothing rattled him this much. She took another drink, then set it down once more, amber eyes contemplative. "Recurring nightmares?" she queried, tilting her head. She knew it was wrong of her to assume, but perhaps what he was feeling could be remedied somehow, or at least eased in some way.

He wanted answers, but she wasn't sure they would be answers he'd take in stride. He seemed like her; content to work until falling to pieces, and then keep going anyways. Psych evals for all the Rangers must be a picnic to those that worked with the Ranger taskforce.

@Nefieslab

 

[Lorcan]

Nightmares?

That would be easy.

If he just had nightmares he would be able to wake up and get back to sleep after knocking back either some booze or some sleeping tablets. Nightmares were something that children could take care of and they were not what plagued him. No what he had to deal with each night was worse than some night terrors because it was so much less easy to deal with.

"Doubts." he corrected her absently, looking into the distance without meaning too, mechanically taking a drink of his beer, "Before I sleep I doubt. Everything, near enough... little thoughts."

He tapped the side of his head.

"They're harder to root out than nightmares or rational concerns." he admitted, rubbing at his face in a tired manner, "When I stop moving, when I'm not working on something, they just kind of gang up on me. But when I'm trying to fall asleep it's the worst - it's like I need to lower my defenses to sleep and when I do? Boom. Right there."

@KillaRee

 

[Dr Ilana Morata]

She itched to have her datapad on hand to take notes, but she would not be his personal shrink without him paying the premium for it... and even with as nice a ship as he had, she doubted sincerely he would afford her at her own rates beyond a consulting physician and researcher.

So doubts it was. Strange, she would never have considered it of him, to be plagued with doubts, with worries. She herself could not cling to that worry; when she slept, she slept like the dead, deep and dark and dreamless, with nothing to haunt them or to deny her rest.

Until recently.

"Do you think bringing these doubts into the proverbial daylight will help ease some of their insomniant hold?" she queried again, amber eyes focused on his own features, every shift and grimace, every subtle touch of emotion he exuded. All of it noted with a clinical dispassion and gimlet-eyed stare.

@Nefieslab

 

[Lorcan]

Ugh he really didn't want to think about dragging these doubts to the forefront of his mind but that was kind of the point wasn't it? He had gotten too used to having them just there, bubbling away in the background, and it was time he shook things up a little bit. Unhappy with the way things were - what choice did he have other than to change?

"I'd rather not but that's probably a good reason to actually do it."

Closing his eyes, he set the beer down on the floor beside the cot that was his bed. Taking several deep breaths, he thought about what he was trying to do for a moment before he just started to... stop. To stop working on his next few meals or journeys in his mind. With each unnecessary thing pushed out of the way he began to hear the doubts louder.

Clearer.

He must have just thought about them for a half an hour (much less in reality) before he opened his eyes. All of a sudden he knew the source of half of them, even though the experience of pushing himself into them made his heart pound and his chest feel like it was in a vice. It took him a few deep, shaky, breaths before he evened himself out a little bit.

"I can't be a Ranger anymore." he spoke quietly, "It... it's my dream and it always has been but I... I can't keep it up. Not with how I am now."

He had to give it up.

@KillaRee

 

[Dr Ilana Morata]

She allowed him his time to think it over. While he did, however, she took a few more drinks of beer to wait, leaning back into the chair. Many emotions now flared to life around him, and she examined each one. Flavors of fear were there, yes, and trepidation, even an edge of anger, but that was dulled. While she waited, her gaze panned around his space. For a ship it was almost luxuriantly sizable, and if she cared at all for his personal taste it would have been appealing.

But the mess did disturb; how could he leave those in a corner, unwashed? She didn't even want to know how long they'd been sitting there... but when he spoke again, she listened. She blinked a little, turning his words over in her head... but they hardly made sense. Quit the force? That workaholic? That was an option for him?

...Was it an option even for her...?

"What makes being a Ranger to you?" she spoke quietly, amber eyes calm. "There are ways to be on the task force, but only as far as you can be. But don't say you can't right away; what makes you think you can't do what it takes for the job you've dreamed of?"

She still kept neutral, waiting for his next words. If that was what he set his heart on, she wouldn't stop him. But she'd also encourage other methods for him, should he want them.

At the end of the day, it was his choice, and his choice alone.

@Nefieslab

 

[Lorcan]

Why couldn't he be a Ranger anymore?

"Because being a Ranger means... being one of the good guys, not just when it's easy but when it's hard as well." he shook his head, "And I haven't been doing that. My headspace is toxic for it - I kill some of the pirates and the scum not because they're using lethal force back but because it's Easier than the alternative."

He took another drink of his beer, draining it before throwing it clear across the room for it to land perfectly within the recycling receptical that was built into the wall. Though he didn't care for much, Lorcan was still keen on recycling if only because his ship allowed him to sometimes recycle some of his trash directly into useful shite.

He just had to forget about where his shower water came from.

"I think I gotta get my head right first and if that works I can go back to the Rangers." he admitted before grimacing slightly, "I can't stop the work though I just... yeah I know I can't stop that. Might try and see if I can be a consultant or something. Alright but now..."

He eyed her weirdly for a moment.

"I get the feeling if I wanted to talk more we'd be talking about prices."

@KillaRee

 

[Dr Ilana Morata]

She shook her head, long white hair escaping past an ear and framing her cheek. She finished off her own drink, then regarded him steadily. "No. My time is off books, and considering the favor you've done for me..." she paused, head tilted slightly as though in thought. "This is considered off books as well. So there is no price on this time." She wasn't going to state at this time, but it was implied.

"It sounds like you already have a plan," she replied calmly, legs uncrossing as she leaned forward, arms propped on her knees. "Yet you hesitate. Taking the first step... it's the most difficult. But given time, I'm sure you'll find the path most suited to you going forwards."

Letting him figure it out for himself was the wisest foot forward, that way if he wanted to change she could be the detached voice of reason. Though then again, perhaps he would need a more solid nudge in the right direction, depending how he chose. She would simply sit back and listen.

@Nefieslab

 

[Lorcan]

Well some good came out of this cluterkark even if it was that he managed to get one free shrink session out of it. He was a mature enough bloke to know that mental health was important but he had never been comfortable going to see the ones that were employed by the Rangers cus they were the ones who would rat him out.

Leaving the Rangers because it was his choice, to come back better? He could handle that. It wasn't like he was throwing his dream away but instead just getting a better handle on himself and his dream through that. But having it torn away from him because some shrink didn't think he could get himself better?

Yeah shite on that idea.

Sighing a little bit, Lorcan fell backwards onto his bed and just stared up at the ceiling for a few moments before picking up a datapad from the side of his bed. Tapping away at it urgently for a few moments, he paused.

"My written request to leave the Rangers." he told her with a small frown, "I just... need to press a button and suddenly it's all over and I don't need to worry about that anymore."

He chuckled quietly.

"Funny how everything you've worked on can suddenly be relegated to nothing but a touch of a button, huh?" his face fell suddenly, "But that's how it's always been when I pulled a trigger I didn't need to. A life gone because I expended so little effort... and just squeezed the trigger. I can't expect any better."

He pressed the button to send it before tossing the pad across his bed.

"... is it bad I want to get drunk now?"

@Killa Ree

 

[Dr Ilana Morata]

Just like that, he was quitting? She was about to protest, or at least stop him to think rationally about all this, but by the time she opened her mouth to speak he already pressed the button to submit, and tossed the datapad away. "Your life isn't over yet," she replied simply, but she seemed slightly annoyed he even considered that. "Now you have a chance to think beyond the badge; but.." she shrugged once.

"Getting drunk sounds like a good plan. Unless there was more weighing on your mind?" Amber eyes stared intensely at him, frowning absently at the consideration. Just like that, he tossed his former life away. Who knew what he would do next, but she wasn't curious enough to help him figure it out with her help.

@Nefieslab