The FNG (Drako Tarkov)

[Joshua Cratin]

why are you here?
I'm here because of my father. he was killed in the invasion

i live on osaga its a moon off a remot planet in the outer rim we alow the republic forces to use as a refuling station when i was 17 i was old enough to join the military on osaga so i joined the
ODST Orbital Drop Shock Trooper

i went through the training i came out as a Sargent i was at the top of my class

i was slung into the front line drop i had to study the ship i was dropping now im going to have to get all my gear to gather

 

[Joshua Cratin]

they drop me strait into hell the beasts where unimaginable big out of our company we lost one man

im going to get retribution now im here to kill the bastards to protect my plantent from the hutts we are keeping the planet as best as we can we held the fuling tanks and we are evacuting the moon

im going to be the last one off

now time for hell

 

[Jiang Winters]

Ignoring for the moment my biggest issue with the profile, my first problem is that this profile is a mess. You really should have run a grammar check on it, or at least tried to fix the numerous spelling and capitalization errors that are present throughout the profile. Then you should have made an effort to size all the images roughly the same, center-align everything so it was pretty, and pick a font a little less bright than the red. [That particular color is a bit cheezy, IMO]

Secondly, the profile itself. It's very short, and it's... Well, cliched and seems uninspired in its current state. You might try rewriting it and trying to lengthen things up. IE, give us examples of his life prior to joining the military of this 'Osaga' place, give us insights on what his training was like [maybe relate the harrowing experience of orbital-drop training and having something in his pod fail] and let us in on what his service has been like so far. Introduce us to people he's met and bonded with while in the service, you know? Kind of give us a look into what sort of man he is.

Oh, and on a quick side note, a Sergeant wouldn't really be a FNG unless he was the newest addition to a SpecOps company or was joining a squad full of guys older than him/more experienced. A Private, Corporal, or Specialist would fit better as a squad's FNG. [That's IMO, mind you, so it's up to you I guess.]

My final, biggest problem is this: He's a friggin' ODST! In Star Wars! Pulled off correctly, that concept could be brilliant, but to be totally blunt this profile needs much much more work before it looks like anything more than a straight-up carbon copy of the ODSTs. The only thing you have going for you there is that you used some random ship image for the pic and not a shot of like, the Pillar of Autumn or a Pelican or something. =P

So in short, it's nice to see you trying to branch out and experiment with new profile types, but I'd urge you to rewrite this and make it nice and neat and to provide some basic information about the character's physical stature [stuff like height, weight, species, etc etc] and his gear [weapons and armor and the like] before you start actively using him.

 

[Gambler]

Per Hakim. The images definitely need resizing and you don't have enough text to warrant that many images. You have 8? Jeeze... the only profile I have even remotely close to that many images is Winter and he is a 2000 freaking word poem.... so just add some structure to it. You want at least one paragraph per image though four would be much better if you could.

 

[Kaeb]

Per the others, my first reaction to the profile was dreadful. I mean it just looks like you watch the recent ODST trailer and said, I'm going to take that and use it EXACTLY the same for SWRP.

I'm all for being inspired by other genre's and franchises, but HUGE images? All from that trailer besides the ship, which actually just ended up making it worse?

And whats an FNG doing with such a high up rank and such a large ship?

Needs some serious re-work on the gramatical and spelling front aswell.

 

[Ares]

Ignoring for the moment my biggest issue with the profile, my first problem is that this profile is a mess. You really should have run a grammar check on it, or at least tried to fix the numerous spelling and capitalization errors that are present throughout the profile. Then you should have made an effort to size all the images roughly the same, center-align everything so it was pretty, and pick a font a little less bright than the red. [That particular color is a bit cheezy, IMO]

...... aaaaand don't even get me started on the total lack of proper punctuation, excluding the single question mark at the beginning. :CStern:

I also agree with Hakim that you need to get... original. Sure, it could be a brilliant idea, but you need to actually be able to pull it off, and at least make some changes from Halo. I mean.... "the beasts were unimaginable big"? What the heck are "the beasts", and why on earth are you fighting them? How did your father die? Where is Osaga? Is its military actually big/agressive enough to have an Orbital Drop Shock Trooper militia? Why is the Osaga military at war with "the beasts"? You need to add about a bajillion more details, explain who he is, why he's doing stuff, what he's like, and where he's going. And that's for a basic profile.


/end rant/

 

[Truant]

...I don't think anyone said this either, but maybe you could resize some of the images that stretch out the page?

 

[Gambler]

...I don't think anyone said this either, but maybe you could resize some of the images that stretch out the page?

Nope, people have said it before here. Look:

I'm all for being inspired by other genre's and franchises, but HUGE images? All from that trailer besides the ship, which actually just ended up making it worse?

The images definitely need resizing[...]

Then you should have made an effort to size all the images roughly the same, center-align everything so it was pretty, and pick a font a little less bright than the red. [That particular color is a bit cheezy, IMO]

See? :)

 

[Trakon]

Basically, he needs to fix it alot. I've got a character based off of Buck, with my own little side goal. To bring the Dagger family together. Maybe you ought to try the same, with a different family.

 

[Hanshin]

Osaga?

No search results for that term.

It's not in the Halo wiki either. Where'd you get it?


Also:

they drop me strait into hell the beasts where unimaginable big out of our company we lost one man

WORST. SENTENCE. EVER.



That's my two pennies.

 

[Ser Gregor]

It's not in the Halo wiki either. Where'd you get it?

He made it up? :CAbove:

 

[McFisticuff]

Other than the fact there is maybe 5 sentences and not much info, it is a good idea.

 

[Hanshin]

Sci-fi franchises should never, ever be combined. Drop pod troops would be cool in Star Wars, but not ODSTs.

Of course, that's my opinion...