Worse than Watergate: Benghazi Ragazzi

[BLADE]

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2014/05/09/benghazi-committee-member-selected/8894245/

How many Americans did Black Hitler personally stalk and strangle to death (possibly with an aborted fetus' burgeoning umbilical chord?) It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

 

[Jacques]

Silly Prospero, Black Hitler doesn't personally kill those Americans. He just nukes them from the air with a plane he controls via customized Xbox controller!

 

[BLADE]

Oh yeah? Then how come we didn't see him at all during the immediate attack on the Embassy, hm? And why is Michele so insistent on fitness? Why do her arms look so muscled? CONNECT THE DOTS SHEEPLE.

 

[Blaxican]

It's interesting how desperate the GOP is to make a big stink about this considering the American people don't give a single **** about it.

"LOOK GUYS LOOK! LOOK WHAT OBAMA DID LOOK!"

Zzz...

"NO SERIOUSLY LOOK LOOK OBAMA REALLY ****ED UP THIS TIME GUYS SERIOUSLY LOOK WHAT HE DID!"

Zzz...

"NO BUT SERIOUSLY HE DUN ****ED UP!"

Zzz...

 

[Jacques]

And why is Michele so insistent on fitness? Why do her arms look so muscled? CONNECT THE DOTS SHEEPLE.

Simple, she's doing daily Rocky training montages to get in shape for her inevitable fist fight with He Who Hails From Kenya, the Muslim Monkey Monarch!

 

[Ion]

there's an answer to all of this

old white people who have lots of money = insanity

and racism

and sexism

and elitism

and creepy people

yea

 

[Brandon Rhea]

Last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, I heard a noise outside. I got out of bed and pulled back the curtains, trying to see if anything was out there. I opened the window to hear things better, and that's when it happened. A gust of gail-force winds blew threw the window and knocked me onto my back. As the winds raged only in my room, a pair of boney, decrepit hands reached through the window, and in came a monster by the name of Hillary. She knelt down, and whispered into my ear. Upon her sulfur-stained breath came only one word.

Benghazi.

Then she stabbed me in the arm, got on her broomstick, and flew to Nigeria so she could resume her duties with Boko Haram.

 

[BLADE]

I hear Ghost Vince Foster knows all about Benghazi, but he won't testify due to the fact that he forgives Killery even though she had him murdered because **** love forgives all transgressions (it's true; I just watched The Kids are All Right.)

 

[jpchewy01]

INT. House Committee Hearing Room - DAY

The House Committee on Benghazi, headed by Orange County, California Representative ED ROYCE, is grilling HILLARY CLINTON about the events that took place on her watch in Benghazi. Hillary is clearly peeved by the line of questioning. Suddenly, MONICA LEWINSKY is called to testify. She glances at Hillary as she walks up to the stand.

ED ROYCE
Do you swear by the laws of gods and men that what you tell will be the truth?

MONICA LEWINSKY
I swear.

ED ROYCE
Good. So, what can you tell me about Secretary Clinton's involvement in Benghazi?

MONICA LEWINSKY
I can tell you that she did it.

The audience gasps.

MONICA LEWINSKY
Yes, she was jealous of the president's power and wanted it for herself. She plotted against him and led a terrorist attack on his ambassadors abroad! She conspired with her husband, who was sympathetic towards the cause for he had been president before.

ED ROYCE
What was your relationship to the Lady Secretary?

MONICA LEWINSKY
I was her lord husband's secretary.

ED ROYCE
(a devious smile creeping on his face)
But how would a lowly secretary know this information?

MONICA LEWINSKY
I was also her lord husband's whore. He brought me into the Oval Office and did with me as he pleased. He forced me to call him "my sax-god." He told me, "**** me like it's my last night in the office."

HILLARY CLINTON
(pathetically)
Monica...don't.

Monica looks Hillary dead in her eyes.

MONICA LEWINSKY
I was his whore.

HILLARY CLINTON
(defeated)
I would like to confess. I would like to confess.

ED ROYCE
Yes?

HILLARY CLINTON
I'm guilty. Is that what you want me to say?

ED ROYCE
So you admit to planning Benghazi?

HILLARY CLINTON
No. For that, I'm innocent. I'm guilty of a far more monstrous crime. I'm guilty of being a woman.

ED ROYCE
You're not on trial for being a woman.

HILLARY CLINTON
Oh, yes I am. I've been on trial for that my entire life!
(turns towards the audience)
I should have let the terrorists kill you all.

The audience gasps.

ED ROYCE
Hillary!

HILLARY CLINTON
(looking back at Royce)
I didn't do your Benghazi but I wish I had.
(to the audience)
I wish I was the monster you think I am. I wish I had a whole army of terrorists to blow the lot of you up. I would gladly give my life to suicide bomb you all.
(to Royce)
But I will not sacrifice my career for planning Benghazi. I will let the gods decide my fate. I demand a trial by combat!