Any Way the Wind Blows

[Iridescence]

The planet of Jedha was hot and arid. Calei Rein didn't usually mind hot climates, although her hair did, but Jedha was something different. She always wanted to see Jedha, to visit, but when she stepped off the Puddle Jumper she felt strange. When her boots first touched the surface near the Holy City, she didn't feel welcome. It downed her mood, a lot, which was easy to do considering the state she was in. Rein tried her best to keep her mood positive, at the very least so the Grand Master wouldn't notice. He did, but Calei didn't acknowledge that.

Her brain was clouded the entire ride home, the scene replaying in her head over and over. She had shaken off the words of her mentor, how she had to do it to make sure they were safe. After the mission was completed, she chucked the saber back to Grand Master Pelora. Calei Rein didn't even want to look at it. It wasn't hers, she silently thanked the Force for. The mood was gloomy, but she tried to keep a neutral expression on her face. The Grand Master needed this mission done, and he was happy it was. Once she felt her emotions begin to choke her, she sipped water repeatedly. They had small conversations, thankfully staying away from that topic.

When they landed on Jedha, she sighed of relief. Mainly, she had to use the restroom from drinking all that water. She was getting fidgety. Rein didn't know if she would be allowed to walk the city, she asked very, very politely. She needed to clear her head and address what had happened, by herself. The Initiate didn't even wait for an actual reply before quickly exiting. Eventually finding her way to the Temple, Calei returned. The usually optimistic Initiate had just finished sobbing, and was trying to maintain herself. @Valen Pelora

 

[Valen Pelora]

Nal Hutta had been predictably terrible. The toxic planet of the Hutts brought nothing but despair. Grand Master of the Jedi Order Valen Pelora had left Nal Hutta the first time with an oiling feeling on his soul. His second visit had gone worse. He had suspected the Hutt’s transport had been shot down and they would have to intervene. Too much time had past for successful negotiation. They had to rescue the Hutts by force. Valen had been prepared to fight and kill. Deaths did not rip his souls as they once did. It was part of their life, part of who he had to be.

He had not expected Calei to do the same. He had not expected her to take any lives. He had killed in battle for the first time nearly 8 years ago. He was in his twenties. Lanna had killed near her seventeenth birthday. Jedi far too young took lives when faced with death. Calei had not been ready. Valen had known she was not ready. He had put her in danger. He had put her at risk, and now he feared she was shattered.

Lately, he felt like he made more mistakes than good choices. The moment the Puddle Jumper had landed Calei had ran off. He had barely gotten a word from her on the way back to Jedha. She had practically sprinted from the ship. Valen had been left to wander back to the Temple on his own. He found a small room in one of the upper levels and waited. He knew what was to come.

The Lightside washed over him. Jedha beat in time with his heart. The desert world’s feeling reminded him of Tython, not even Dantooine could compare. He steadied his mind, body, and soul. He searched for peace. Valen sensed Calei approaching. The door opened and his red eyed student stood before him. He could feel the inner turmoil ripping at her soul. His heart broke. “Calei, you cannot keep this inside.” She had to express herself. “You cannot lock it away.” He hoped, prayed, the young Jedi would be honest with him. @Iridescence

 

[Iridescence]

"No," Calei's reply was softly spoken, but firm in tone. She did not talk about these matters. She did not open up to others, no matter how close. She barely even opened up to herself. She would tell the story, over and over again, and no matter how hard she cried, she did not speak a word of how she felt. It wasn't her, it wasn't who she wanted to be. Thoughts would come and go, often speeding and wrecking, but they would all eventually go. This, that, was nothing. It would all seem like nothing in the future. That's all she had to keep telling herself, move along.

Calei sensed the peace trying to extend over to her. Her body rejected it. When she was in moods like this, Rein didn't like to be touched. Whether it be emotionally or physically. Hugs, pats on the back, etc., off the table. When the Temple tried to speak with her, with her alignment to the Force, all the emotions eased. It didn't stay for long, she fell asleep. Her conflicted brain went into a state of panic, inducing horrific nightmares. She felt numb when she woke up, silently letting tears roll down her cheeks. Quickly drying her face, she had decided to finally approach the Grand Master.

He was worried. It was etched into his face, and into the Force. Guilt trembled in her stomach, nullifying any potential hunger she had for that evening. She didn't like making others worry, especially when she felt some sort of attachment to them. She swallowed, her throat already drying. "I'm fine, I promise," there was a pause, "I don't really know." She let out a labored breath, the ones that involuntarily come out of exasperation. Shuffling her feet a little, she looked up to Grand Master Pelora. @Valen Pelora

 

[Valen Pelora]

The Force was awash in turmoil. It poured from the young Jedi. Valen could sense her deep building uncertainty. The Jedi did not discourage emotions. They did not teach the younglings to banish their hearts and separate their minds. All Jedi were different. Those differences were what made them special. Some thrived on the love they had for others. Some blossomed when their minds were serene and calm. The Jedi taught understanding. If you knew what you felt, why you felt it, you could understand your soul and find peace. If you locked your emotions away or tried to hide from them, that would lead you down a dangerous path. Fear, anger, hate, could fester and corrupt. There was a difference between inner peace and avoidance. Calei was avoiding what she was feeling. She was hiding from the pain eating her soul. Valen could not let her hide. He would not let her hide.

“Calei.” He spoke softly. “You are not fine. You know I can sense what you are feeling, what you are going through.” He was a master of the Force. She could not conceal her feelings from him. “You cannot lock those feelings away. They will eat at you. They will drive you to places you should never be.” The path to the Darkness was often swift and terrible. “I remember the first time I took a life. I was older, much older, than you. I had been a Jedi Knight for years before it happened. I had avoided all conflict at all costs after my Master’s death.”

He opted for the truth. “I was on a little planet, Argazda, traveling there with two other Jedi Knights. We were attacked by two Sith after we landed. I killed one because he would have killed us all. I was sick for days. I could not believe what I had done, but eventually I realized I did what I did to protect people. You did the same.” Valen wanted to show Calei that even the masters of the Order had faced difficult trials and tribulations. Maybe then, she would be honest with him. @Iridescence

 

[Iridescence]

Calei Rein didn't care about the other Jedi Masters. She didn't care that death sometimes is necessary, and a lot of the times the only choice for the greater good. It was the simple fact that she had to take a life. Apathy numbed her tongue, her eyes, and the filter in her mind. The Grand Master's words flowed into one ear and out the other. She picked up on certain words, and then a string of three my Master's death. Calei met her Master's eyes for the first time since this had happened. "Damn it," Calei muttered, feeling a hysteric puff of air squeak past her tightly sealed lips. Her heart finally slowed down for the first time in hours, and she closed her eyes. Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she kept her head bowed. The tightly packed emotions in her brain began to seep out and into the Force. Everything. A huge part of her wanted to try and take them all back as fast as she could. The Initiate untied the knot in her stomach, and forced herself to open up.

"I don't care," she replied softly, "I didn't want to have to kill. I know that's selfish. I just thought that it would feel different. Like, if--I don't know--If I was back against a wall and that was the only escape. I just feel like we could have prevented it, that's all. There's only one type of--person, I would want to kill and that's a slaver. Not some thief that probably had a lot of better things to do." The Initiate knew she wasn't make any sense. Now that emotions were out, she couldn't explain them. Her tongue tied itself on multiple occasions while replying. Rein sighed in defeat. "I've always gotten over things alone. No help. No guidance. Just on my own. And it always worked that way. I don't like feeling, and I don't like sharing those feelings," Calei told her Grand Master slowly, finally calming her hysteria. "I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I'm sorry about your Master and I'm sorry about how I'm acting," When she apologized, her voice was still shaky, her foot lightly and speedily tapping; there was so much anxiety in one conversation, and so many feelings she didn't want to experience.

There was one worry that stood to be a priority that Calei had noticed, the Dark side. She would not give in, no matter how hard it had tugged her conscience. She breathed out her nose. "Yes, it's there. I've felt it. I've stopped it. Temporarily, I've stopped it. It keeps coming back, along with other things. It's always there, it's been there all my life." Calei felt the shame engulf her, but she almost felt liberated. @Valen Pelora

 

[Valen Pelora]

Valen kept silent as Calei poured her soul into the room. The Force spiked as each emotion crashed from the young Jedi. Hammer blow after hammer blow rang through his mind. He did not shield himself from the torrent of emotions rushing through the Force. He kept his mind open, his soul unshielded. He would not shy away from what threatened to consume Calei. This was his doing. He would feel her pain. Valen would know what he had done. He waited until the words died on his student’s lips. He did not speak to fill the silence. He let the Force simmer around them. The Grand Master took a deep breath. He would face this head on.

“Do not apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for.” He lifted his head to look at the teenager. “You did not choose this path. I forced you on it, I pushed you faster than you were ready.” Valen knew he was pushing a generation of Jedi too quickly. Children were commanding men on the battlefield. Children were fighting and dying. “The war has brought out the worst in the galaxy. There are worse things than slavers running across the worlds. The Empire, the Sith, they would not hesitate. The Darkside corrupts their soul. The corruption runs deep. They would kill you the first moment your guard fell.”

He ran his hands through his air. This was more than he had ever hoped to share. “Death is part who we are now, part of the Order. Our greatest duty is to protect the galaxy. The Sith must be defeated, we must defeat them.” Valen suppressed a sigh. “There is no easy answer. We must each decide why we fight and who we are.” He was long winded but truthful. @Iridescence

 

[Iridescence]

Calei screwed her eyes shut and took a deep, but shaky, breath. When she slowly opened her eyes again, peace fused into the Force. Doubt, fear, and frustration still lingered, but their tendrils loosened. Rein would eventually shake them off, for this topic at least. She tucked her legs in so her chin rested on her knees. Her golden eyes stared ahead blankly as she listened to the Grand Master's words. She processed his words, then thought of her own.

"Grand Master, you did not force me into anything. Like you said, we must do our duty," Calei raised her eyes to the Grand Master's. "I'm working on who I am. I know why I fight, for the Galaxy and for the innocent, and for the free. But who I am, I don't know yet. I think I do, but then something changes. Can I be ever-changing? Is that possible? Or is that cheating?" The last words were more of an afterthought, more of a thought meant to stay in her brain for later brooding. Her head stopped hurting, and her lungs lifted. The deaths took their toll, and some of their shadow remained on the young girl's face, and most of it hung over her head still. She would never forget the feel.

It's not that she wanted to keep killing, but if it was necessary, she had to be prepared. Her mental health was probably her biggest problem for now. She had to find ways to fix it, and in one electrical impulse of her nervous system, she knew. Rein had to keep herself busy, the gears in her head constantly turning so they didn't have to stop for too long and rust. "Thank you. I can't promise all the thoughts will go away, or that I can fight them off completely."

@Valen Pelora

 

[Valen Pelora]

Valen smiled faintly. He knew what Calei was experiencing, he just wasn’t sure he could help. There was only so much guidance he could give. There were some things she would simply have to figure out for herself. Each Jedi’s journey was different. They all took different paths in their service of the Light. He had been raised and taught in a time of peace. His life had been very different from his students. He continued to try and offer what little help he could. He laughed.

“I am not sure anyone is ever changing, but we do change.” The Force knew he was not the man he had been five years ago. “We change as we get older, we change as we learn who we are, we change as our lives change.” Valen’s smile widened. “You are very young with so much room to grow. The person you are now is not the person you will be. But you can decide what kind of person you want to be.”

The Force still bubbled with the Initiate’s emotions. He continued to pour his own calm into the room. His mind was at ease. For now. A Council Meeting awaited him after this talk with Calei. Valen knew the news they would bring. Nothing good. “I would not ask you to banish the thoughts. I do want you to promise you will not burry them away, you will talk with me or another Jedi. You can’t hide from what you feel.” He hoped, prayed, she would take that little bit of wisdom. It was foolish to turn your back on what you felt. It would only make it worse. "Now, there is much and more I have to teach you. We cannot do it trapped in this room." He walked towards the door. Valen had a few ideas where they might end up next. @Iridescence

OOC: End Thread