Can't stay

[Nirvana]

“I run from myself because I can't control something inside of me, and it's something that put others at risk. Because I couldn't control it.” he told her and sighed.”Tell me something, what if it myself that I fear. Should I really be myself then?” John asked her and hopped up on a crate, using it as a chair and letting his feet dangle of the edge of the crate.

“And what if I have been raised by people to not be myself, to be something that they want me to be? Drilled by others to believe the words that they say.” staring down into the ground he shook his head a few times, hair falling from it's normal position to cover his face from the woman that sat on a crate only a few feet from him.”What if I don't have anything to fight for, or anything to believe in. What should I do then?” raising his head he looked at her.

 

[Cassanova]

Suspicions began to form within Carna's mind. There were very few groups within the galaxy that so adamantly sought to control the will of those in it's ranks: The Jedi Order. For now, however, she kept her theory to herself, and focused on the questions at hand. "Sounds like you've been taught to fear yourself. As though you've been Forced to hide who you truly are to appease those around you, or in so called positions of power."

"Honestly, that's no life," she pointed to William, "You have the responsibility to be who you are, and if these people who are telling you to be something you're not - then they're hardly anyone I'd choose to spend my time with."

Carna shrugged, and opened her ration bar and took a bite, "I think you've got the right to fight for who you truly are -- No. The responsibility. What are we if not individuals? Celebrate it. Celebrate our differences, the chaos of evolution. The chaos of life."

 

[Nirvana]

John just shrugged as a reply to what she said that he had been forced to hide his true nature, perhaps that was the case. Scratching the back of his head he started to chuckle about something that he had thought of.”If I hadn't made the choice to go with the person that found me, then I wouldn't be here now. I'd be dead.” he said and rested his arms on his thighs.

“What if I don't know who I truly am, how would I find out who I am meant to be, how would I find true self?” he asked her and straightened out his back.

 

[Cassanova]

Responding to the quip about him being dead if he weren't found, Carna simply added, "Every part of our life forms who we are. It is, however, important to learn when it is time to move on. Certain groups of people play roles within our lives - but no one but you have the right to decide upon which path you walk."

"To find out who you are, as a Force user, you must first face death," she nodded, "Head on. The sparkly edge, as it were. Once you meet death face-to-face, and return from it. You'll be truly lost."

Nodding, remembering the experience that she went through when Darth Silentius broke Juno Armstrong to a sobbing pile of flesh, and then rebuilt from the ashes Carna. "Once you're lost, you rely upon yourself, upon the chaos, the passion that you, and you alone can embrace. You'll feel yourself come alive, return to yourself. You'll look back and despise what you have become, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. To embrace yourself at your core is to know your true self."

"Trust me, I know."

"I've done it."

 

[Nirvana]

"Trust me, I know. I've done it." And why should he trust her, she who tried to enter his mind to well find out who he was when he had given her the answer. He couldn't trust this woman yet, perhaps in a while after talking to her would he be able to trust some of the things she told him, but as of now he didn't trust what she said.”What if I told you that I have walked the line not once, but thrice.” picking up the crystal from his pocket he spun in around in his hand for a few seconds.”First time was when my home was destroyed, second time was during a fight, and most recently when I lost control of myself.”

“What would you make from that, Carna.” he said and looked at her holding the crystal so that it covered his left eye.

 

[Cassanova]

"I'd say you're too scared to step over the line," she shrugged dismissively. "You're tip-toeing along the line, claiming to have been there."

"The line to which you refer is a fallacy, a metaphorical line in the sand drawn by a group of dogmatic idiots who fear the natural course of things," Carna focused her attention solely on William, her blue eyes, laced with red, orange, and yellow, stared into him. "Your true self is not a convenience store. You cannot visit it when you choose, or when you run out of bottled water."

"You go there. You move in, you take a sledge hammer to the walls, and build it up as your own," she used her water bottle to accentuate the point pointing its opening towards William. "Anything less, and your own false admiration for a set of myopic rules and codes weaken your resolve, limiting your own potential."

"You say you lost control of yourself," she smiled, "I think you mean to say that the group of people who you are running from lost control of you. Yes? Why do you deny your nature? What is wrong with who you are?"

"I know what's wrong," she smiled.

"Absolutely nothing."

 

[Nirvana]

“I meant exactly what I said, I lost control of myself, something that had been building up on the inside. I lost control of it.” he told her with a cold and serious voice, lowering the crystal from it's former position. Holding it between his thumb and the index finger, inspecting the crystal.”So you think that it's nothing wrong to lose control of yourself, become something that isn't you.” shaking his head he continued.”Then what is the definition of wrong.”

“You tell me what is right and wrong then, is that what you want to do?” he asked her.

 

[Cassanova]

"I won't tell you what to do," Carna shrugged, "I honestly don't give a deep fried nerf what you do."

"I will, however bestow upon you the realisation that denying yourself what you naturally crave will only lead to more of these, so-called, uncontrolled outbursts," her eyes spoke wonders of experience, and understanding, "The problem is you've defined what you are by someone else's expectations. You're being untrue to yourself."

"Hardly a life of a man such as yourself," she nodded to him, "Powerful. Independent. Attractive," she then shrugged, "If you wish to squander your assets away to the expectations of others - don't let me stop you. Just don't expect me to offer pity, help, or mercy if you ever get in my way."

 

[Nirvana]

Not gonna tell him what he was suppose to do, and that she didn't care about what he did. He didn't believe that she didn't care about what he did, there was the way that she said it that make him believe that.”So what do you think that I should do to stop these uncontrolled outbursts?” he asked her and crossed his arms.

“And how do you think that I should do to become true to myself?” he was intrigued by how she was talking about knowing oneself, how exactly had she found her true self. That was interesting to him right now.”Though what really intrigues me at the moment is this, who you are exactly, and what you are. How you found your true self, tell me. How did you do it.”

 

[Cassanova]

Carna nodded, "All very valid questions..."

"However," she paused, and took another bite from her ration bar. "You've told me little more than I've told you. However you ask of me what you refuse to give of yourself. Without you telling me who you are, who you're running from, I'm hardly inclined to tell you the secrets that I possess."

Now it was time to see if William wanted what Carna had to offer - now was time to see how far he'd go for the peace and serenity that she knew.

"Who are you? Who are you running from? and importantly - Why are you running from them?"

 

[Nirvana]

“But how can I refuse something if I don't even know what it is myself, have you thought of that my dear.” the last bit was of course just a joke, though if it was a good one or not. That would remain to be seen.” John William Grimm, that is who I am. Who I am running from is the order, and why I am running is because I don't think that I belong there.” taking another bite of the ration bar he smirked and looked at her with the eyes of a hunter, now. What would be her reaction to what he just told her, would she spring into action and pull out her lightsaber to try and strike him down. Or would she instead try and understand him.

“Now tell me, what do you think I should do. What I should do to free myself, make me become who I am suppose to be.” he said and chuckled.

 

[Cassanova]

There it was. The confusion. The seed of doubt that Carna would capitalise, twist, and contort until John had decided to join the Sith on his own free will. The rest is easy.

"A Jedi, mmhm?" she shrugged and waved an apologetic hand, "You'll have to forgive me for making assumptions here, by the way."

"I'm going to assume you got angry, as you said, in a fight. Unleashed powers, went into a bloodlust driven rage, of sorts, perhaps?" Carna nodded, "Its a good start, to be sure. However, there are ways to control these emotions, use them to fuel you."

Carna knew now that it was time to offer some of herself up to him, "Well this being said, I think you should know some more about me. While I've not lied to you about my name, as Carna is what I am called these days - I was born born of that name. I was born as Juno Armstrong. I was a Jedi Knight - a guardian to be specific."

"Now, however, I am a Sith Crusader, and I hold the honoured role of Forge Master in the Temple on the planet Ziost," she nodded to him, expecting some sort of reaction, "I know the truth between the Jedi and the Sith. One of them attempts to control every aspect of life. Another nova ruby for you if you can correctly guess which one it is."

 

[Nirvana]

“You are free to make that assumption, I couldn't care less what you think that I am. I am what I am, simple as that.” he told her with a serious voice before drinking more water, he smile a bit as he remembered something that had happened a little over a year back. The chain of events that had started the building up, if not for that he wouldn't be here most likely.

“If you would call a sparing match a fight then yes I suppose, I was told that I fought despite my body being broken. But in the end I succumbed to the injuries I had revived during the training, my own fault for those injuries though.”

“Never heard of someone named Juno Armstrong, should I have?” he asked her and looked unimpressed by the name that she told him.

“Forge master.” he mumbled to himself, shrugging as he thought of the title.”What about it?”

 

[Cassanova]

Carna smiled, glad that neither of her titles nor names meant anything to this man. "Neither of these roles matter, truthfully. What matters is I am who I am, down to the core, my most baser instincts. I do as I please, and hold no reverence to an entity that wishes to control me."

"Whereas you do." a serious smirk crept across her face, "You've been told by the Jedi that the Dark side is evil, uncontrollable, and dangerous. Evil is a word used by those too weak, lazy or incompetent to stand against another being. Uncontrollable? Hardly. The notion of the Force being uncontrollable is pure idiocy. Thousands upon thousands of years of the Sith Order being in complete control of the Force, commanding it to do their bidding suggests otherwise. Dangerous? Of course it is. But my question to you, Grimm, is that what is more dangerous?"

"A lie from a group of stodgy Jedi Masters who wish to control you?" she lifted her other hand, "Or the freedom to be who you are?"

 

[Nirvana]

“Isn't the answer to that quite obvious, it's the ones that control you that is more dangerous. As they don't only hinder you, but they want to control the way that you think and act. That is why they are more dangerous then the freedom that you suggests, but either path that I choose to walk will be dangerous in it's own ways.”

“Do you have any plans to show me this so called freedom that you say that you posses Carna?” he asked her and rolled with his head, listening to the cracking sound of the spine being brought back into proper place. Rolling with his shoulders as well he smiled, good feeling that was.

 

[Cassanova]

"No."

The answer was simple. But there was a lot behind it, "If i gave you a ship and showed you that it flew well. You would not understand it. You couldn't understand it. Not until you got into the pilot's seat and experienced it."

"No, Grimm. I can't show you the freedom. You must experience it," Carna smiled, "You must unleash your pain, anger, hatred, passion and desire. You must use it as your fuel. Let it wrap you in a cocoon, shield you from all around you. Let it course through your veins every minute of every day..."

"Only then, once you've done that, can I take you to where you can show you the freedom that you seek... Only then will you be given the opportunity and rare privilege to experience the Dark Side of the Force."

 

[Nirvana]

The metaphor that she had used amused him, and he showed it by starting to laugh at it. Leaning his head back he laughed, though a hollow laughter it was. And it only lasted for a moment, if she understood why he laughed about it then maybe she would laugh about it at well.”Let go of my pain, anger, hatred, passion and desire you say.” John said and lowered his head so that he looked at her, what was his pain. His pain, anger and hatred was that he had been so weak during the duel, and that he had failed to help someone that stood close to him. His passion was for fighting, and his desire was unknown to him.

 

[Cassanova]

"Let go?" she scoffed, "Most certainly not."

"Embrace it, use it... The Force is not some galactic whispering chain. The Force is a tool for you to grasp using the hands of a true individual, not some pathetic excuse of flesh that lets go of their emotions," Carna stood up, and moved towards John, but kept her distance a little, "Emotions are our foundation, our root. Every one of them. Happiness, anger, fury, glee, all these are to be used. If you embrace only the lighter emotions, you are living half a life."

"Embrace your emotions," she nodded, "Embrace your pain. Embrace everything you want. Use it. Let it become you."

 

[Nirvana]

Use it, that was something that he found difficult to do. He had used the force to do his bidding's before when he needed it, those times he had used it for something other then personal gains. Every time but once, back on Zletros. That was the only time that he had used it for his own gain, used it to break away from someone with a person that he had tasked himself to save. Someone that stood close to, that he would more then willingly kill for.

Embracing ones emotions, had she been a jedi she would have went on about controlling them, feeling nothing at all instead of embracing it. Shutting his eyes he just sat there and tried to remember the pain, twitching now every few seconds as he got a flash of the pain he had endured through his life. But the most notable pain that he remembered was the one were he failed the person that he cared for.

 

[Cassanova]

Carna watched as John focused his mind onto memories, which she was scarcely skilled enough to manipulate his decisions, she did however have certain aptitude with emotive sensations. Her own mind dove into the folds of the Force, working like a silk sheet across her body. While Carna revelled in this sensation, John would have no doubt felt the ebb and flow of the Dark Side pushing and pulling at him, as though he were adrift in an ocean with a slight swell.

The overall goal was to give John a feeling of endearment, power - the ability to do what he could not have in the past. In a nutshell, to prove that the Dark Side was the path to abilities that the Jedi dare not utter in darkest corners of their halls in the wee hours of the night. The abilities that the Jedi openly feared, and silently envied.

Carna continued with her sensations to John, but opened her eyes and watched him curiously.