Fear and Worry

[Fusion]

Lamia stepped up to the door of the Grandmaster's chambers. She wasn't exactly sure why she was here, and tried to think...

She had dueled with Deloi, stolen a holocron from a Sith, had her taint removed... She couldn't think of anything she had specifically done to deserve expulsion as she carefully opened the door to the chamber where the Grandmaster waited. As she saw the Grandmaster, her thoughts raged. This was the one holding her back, preventing her from becoming a Knight as she rightfully should be. However, these thoughts were repressed by the fear that she would be exiled. Neither showed on her face, however, as she bowed towards the leader of the Jedi.

Grandmaster...

 

[Denzein]

The Grand Master was not going to enjoy this.

He didn't like having to discipline members of his Order, no matter what his reputation led people to believe. He liked it even less when those that required discipline were those he already suspected of being potential trouble. Being right about this sort of thing was never fun.

Yet when it came to the Sith Pureblood that had been accepted as a Jedi Padawan under Grand Master Kanasaur's reign he could find only resignation within himself. He'd known from the outset that such a combination was never going to work, and had been proven right. What happened now was largely on Lamia herself, how she defended herself in the next few minutes had the potential to shape her very destiny.

She entered his chambers and he was seated ont he floor cross legged, facing the door. His eyes were shut, apparently in meditation. He'd sensed her arrive, her mutilated force signature reeking of the unnatural, of that which shouldn't be. As he understood it the Sith had not taken his hint that she was simply not compatible as a Jedi and had taken to attempting to altering her very genome with the lightside of the Force. The Grand Master had not thought it possible that someone would have been able to completely miss the hint in what he'd suggested to the Padawan... He'd have to be more blunt in the future.

But that was not what they were here to talk about. Lamia had recently duelled and almost killed a Jedi Knight while sparring, she was here to answer for her actions.

"Come in Padawan, sit. I want to talk about a recent spar you had with Teline Deloi... Perhaps you can provide me with details on how it went?"

 

[Fusion]

You and I both know that your feelings with me have nothing to do with my duel with Master Deloi. I already explained everything. But if you truly do wish to hear about what had happened, I will tell you.

As I was dueling Master Deloi, he had utilized a Force Bubble. To penetrate that, I used the calm and peaceful version of Force Lightning... Electric Judgement. When I had been practicing the technique on a training droid, my anger built up and I released a large swath of red lightning. It seems that for a Pureblood like me, lightning depends on how you feel and what emotions you feel as you use it. As Master Deloi began to state that he felt my powers were wavering dangerously close to the Dark Side, I began to feel fear as my lightning turned blue. I had also used Kinetite, a technique which Master Ike had taught me. He claimed it was a Dark Side technique, but as far as I have heard from my Master, it is not.

Lamia waited to see how the Grandmaster would respond, and perhaps whether or not his feelings about her would influence his words.

 

[Denzein]

How discouraging. Lamia thought him biased against her for some reason, she thought that he was calling her purely because of the living contradiction that she was. It was worrying that she could not trust the leader of her Order to be above that sort of pettiness.

But it was irrelevant. She could think what she liked, she was here for why he had said she was here in the summons and for no other reason. Besides, he would not have received a confidential communique informing him of her dark side use in the aforementioned duel were she in complete control of herself anyway. She was ignorant of the fact that she was proving his (and every other Jedi bar her and her Master's) point every time she put a toe out of line.

"Kinetite is a dark power, use it only when you must padawan. It is a powerful technique and each use threatens you as much as your target.

You say you used electric judgement, but the power changed when you felt fear. At this point you were also using a powerful dark side attack: Force Lightning. If, as you say, the type of your lightning depends on how you feel when you use it I suggest you never use it, as drawing upon that much destructive energy when you are in anything other than a state of pure serenity is exceedingly dangerous, even for Jedi Masters. You tread a thin line on thin ice, padawan..."

He trailed off into thought for a moment, considering his next words. They were stern, but he felt they were needed. Lamia was always going to be a special case when it came to the Jedi - she was anathema to their beliefs to her very core, after all.

"You have reached a crossroads, Lamia. Some Jedi believe you have already made your choice and should be expelled from the Order immediately, others believe you have just reached it and that the decision you make now will shape your future permanently. The crossroad is this: Stop using such powerful techniques that put frankly should not be attempted by a padawan, especially a padawan who is not entirely emotionally sound... Or continue down this slippery slope. If you stop you may well still become the Knight you aspire to be. If you choose to tell me now that you will continue with these techniques despite not being ready for them both in your emotional state and maturity, then you must leave the Jedi Order in exile. I leave it to you whether or not that exile becomes permanent or remains temporary."

 

[Fusion]

Lamia paused and carefully thought her words out.

Exile? I already am one. Exiled from my home, my place in the universe. And yet sometimes I don't even know where such a place for me is.

Many Jedi do not trust me. I know for a fact, Grandmaster, that you are the one who trusts me least of all. You think that because of my species that I was born as, one which I had no control over, that my path is inevitable and I will fall to the Dark Side. That I was tainted by birth to draw upon darkness, hatred, and malice, a complete inversion of what Jedi are supposed to focus on.

But I feel I must understand why you would feel that way. It is the fact that the code known by all is absolute, while the original accounted for the shifts and changes that actually occur. "Emotion, yet peace" is far different from "There is no emotion, there is peace". The first states that although there is emotion, there is also peace. The second states that emotion is not there, only peace. The key difference is that the first accounts for the emotions and feelings people truly feel, while the second states that they must be suppressed. The first is agreeable, but the second is implausible. Desensitizing people and making them be without emotion is something few would readily and willingly accept.

And yet I feel all my words are for naught. I will never be fully understood... Not by you, not by Master Ike... The only one I can think of who comes closest would probably be Jedi Knight Varrion Rhys. I allowed him into a vision that let him understand what I am, where I am, and why I am who I am. He is the one who has kept my secret safe.

If you wish for me to be Exiled, simply say the word. Otherwise, I will continue serving the Jedi, You, Master Ike, and all the others in the best way I possibly can, even if it requires me bending to conform.

Lamia stood in front of the Grandmaster. She was willing to bend to his wishes, even a little bit, and hoped that he understood that by what she meant at the end of her speech. Either he would let her stay, having shown Lamia he could accept her despite her being a Sith Pureblood, or he would exile her, perhaps for who she was as well as what she had done.

 

[Denzein]

"Having a force power's aura fluctuate uncontrollably as your feelings shift is not evidence of having a harmonious relationship with one's emotion. Powers such as lighting and Kinetite are not hard because of the difficulty involved in mastering them, but because of the level of mental control required to harness them without succumbing to the dark side energy one must use with them. It is a powerful intoxicant, one that has ensnared many great Jedi in its time. Do not assume that you are any different from them, you are at risk because you use these powers without being at peace with yourself.

The problem for you lies with your ability to be at one with yourself. You seem to be implying that I think less of you because of your species - I do not. What concerns me about you is that you do not display any of the qualities I would expect to see in any Jedi when it comes to emotion, it matters not from whence the deficiency stems. Whether it is the fact that you are a Pureblood Sith or not that is holding you back as a Jedi and driving you to the uncontrolled use of dark techniques is irrelevant, all that matters is that it is happening.

You say that I do not trust you: This is true. To me you represent a liability within this Order, a liability that could potentially cost Jedi lives as was proven in your spar. You say that I will never understand you, that no-one will. This will be true for as long as you do not understand yourself and master your own mind. Until you prove you can do so you are exiled. You may go where you wish, but I suggest you travel to places that will help you with what I've mentioned today. Perhaps we will meet again under less tense circumstances... May the Force be with you."

The Grandmaster had thought long and hard about the words he had just spoken, he knew them to be correct. While Lamia was a risk she could not he around other Jedi, her sparring session and the fact that it had been specifically reported was evidence enough of this. Until she could prove otherwise, the Pureblood Sith Lamia was Jedi no more.

 

[Fusion]

If this is what you plan to do, then so be it.

Lamia looked at the Grandmaster of the Jedi with malice in her eyes as they glowed with a yellowish fire. Then she left. He would neer know what he had started...