Ask Finding The Light

[The Storyteller]

The Force was in flux and the imbalance could be perceived by all powerful Force users across the galaxy. As a healer especially attuned to suffering, Lena had to undergo many weeks of meditation to find tranquility. Darkness enveloped the galaxy and she had to find the light through it all to anchor herself back to her teachings.

While she battled her own fights within her mind, there was a growing shadow around the Grandmaster. No Councilor spoke of it, but they had all felt it. Grandmaster Voran’s perpetual self chastising and shouldering of blame for the multiple failures of the Jedi were impacting her far more than she likely realized. And so, Lena and the other Councilors called the Grandmaster to a session to speak with her about her state of being and to help her find the Light once more.

The Council chambers had several seats, but only a few would be occupied because of the heavy losses they all sustained. Hannibal Grayza’s quirky custom seat remained even though he would never sit upon it again. Lena sighed and closed her eyes, reflecting back on everything that had led to this point.

@Logan @Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

She was not a Queen and the Jedi were not an Empire…but Alex had lead them without question for a very long time. When she spoke, she spoke for the Order. It was hard to remember she had once asked for these responsibilities. There had been only three of them then. Lena, Tedimor, and Alex. The Jedi without a Grandmaster since Oota’s death. She took the mantle to lead them forward. That path had not been easy, the weight heavy. She was not alone. She knew that. Yet, you could never fully understand isolation of a title until you bore it. She’d known Lena and Tedimor for decades now. Until Zak and Kaisa they had all served alone.

Alex’s mental walls were carefully folded closed. She wore her robes without her armor. Her lightsaber swinging on her hip. Oota’s purified crystal humming at her side. The doors clicked open to reveal the Council chamber. Lena having already arrived. She smiled brightly. “At least I’m not late. It feels like I am always late.” Her eyes sliding to Kaisa’s, Zak’s, and Tedimor’s seats. Alex slowly took her place in her seat at the head of the Council.

“So, this is what it feels like to be called into my office.” They all knew her. They knew her heart. She had her struggle but nothing she could not overcome. “I must say, I prefer it the other way round.”

@Sreeya @Logan

 

[Kaisa Vanloa]

Running late wasn't a problem Kaisa typically had, though unsurprisingly on the day she had maybe the most important meeting since she'd become a Councilor she was running just a little bit behind. Checking her chrono, Kaisa let out a sigh as she picked up her pace towards the Council chambers.

She'd arrive just a few minutes behind Alex, Kaisa's expression one of solemnity, though she couldn't keep her concern from pulling her lips into just the slightest whisper of a grimace. All things considered, this meeting had the potential to be very unpleasant. But it was necessary and important and not just for the Order itself.

Crossing into the chambers, Kaisa would nod her head in greeting to those that had gathered, though she'd only ever met Alex in person. A shame that the Council hadn't convened for something more positive.

Taking her seat, Kaisa crossed her legs as her gaze was drawn to Alex. The Grandmaster was so strong, so determined. Many Jedi aspired to her example, but the weight of the galaxy was a heavy burden to hold. A heavy burden that could and would break even the most stalwart of people eventually.

Kaisa would wait for Lena or one of the others to start before speaking. She was fresh to the Council and would take the opportunity to lean on her rookie status, at least for now.

It seemed unlikely she would be able to do so much longer.

@Sreeya @Valen Pelora

 

[The Storyteller]

Lena gave them both a warm smile, watching Alex as she took her seat. She chuckled softly at the Grandmaster’s quip, realizing this likely felt as if she was in the hot seat. With Kaisa joining, they had enough presence to proceed.

“Grandmaster,” She began, “As Jedi we bear the burden of war, chaos and tragedies all across the galaxy. Within the past few years, the Council has noticed that you have been carrying a lot of the burden on your shoulders alone or blaming yourself for the failures we have faced as Jedi. While it is normal to feel grief, we believe the level of which you have taken on the anguish is concerning. A cloud of darkness looms above you and the Council can sense it.”

She looked briefly at Kaisa and then back at the Grandmaster, “Will you share with us your burdens so we can work to disperse the weight you carry? Will you confide in us what troubles you so greatly? We are stronger together, Grandmaster.”

@Valen Pelora @Logan

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Ah... Alex quirked an eyebrow at Kaisa. “Do you feel the same?” She sat in silence for a moment. Turning over the words in her mind. Her had never allowed her aura to crack before her fellow Jedi. Her internal struggles had always remained her own. Locked beneath a calm veneer. Alex’s reputation within the Jedi was still that of the unwavering force that the Sith could not break. She took a deep breath. “None of our paths have ever been straight lines.” She looked down at her hands. “No two Jedi are the same…part of what makes us Jedi is the struggle.” Her eyes turned to Lena and Kaisa. “To find balance and the Light when we are surrounded by Darkness.” And so much death.

“I have lived a long time. My path has rarely been even. I have never been one to claim I am a perfect example but rather that I have always tried.” The truth was a perfect Jedi did not exist. They were mortal beings who struggled with the sins of that mortality. “So yes, of late I have felt the weight on my shoulders, Lena. The mountain of the wars we fight above us and failures we have collected along the way.” Alex leaned forward now. “I do not see the Darkside in accepting the role we may have played in those mistakes…I can’t pretend otherwise.”

She had to face the cost of those errors. “What troubles me is all the greater. We fight two wars with equally great stakes. The Empire and the Killik. The Darkside clouds the galaxy and I know you both feel it...a Darkness that reaches for our students and is all too successful in taking them.” She shook her head. “We are the brink of destruction and one false step may tumble us over the edge. That is what troubles me.” What kept her up at night.

@Sreeya @Logan

 

[Kaisa Vanloa]

Do you feel balanced? Kaisa asked, her gaze on Alex soft but her tone even and clear. You say that you do not see the darkside in accepting the role that we have played, but Alex it is always what role you have played that seems to weigh heaviest on your mind.

Kaisa sighed slightly as she pursed her lips, her thoughts drifting back to when Alex had asked her to join the Council. Even the first we had met and you invited me to join you, you took all of the blame for the Jedi Shadows and their failings onto yourself.

She shook her head, the smallest admission of Kaisa just not being quite sure where and how to proceed. She wasn't going to sit here and lampoon the Grand Master relentlessly, but at the same time it was becoming clear that the Order needed some sort of change. And that change might need to be drastic.

I think.. your judgement on things is clouded, which is not only dangerous for yourself but for the entire Order. You are not seeing the forest for the trees, Alex.

Kaisa let her eyes fall from the Grand Master for the first time since she'd started speaking, another sigh escaping her lips as she rubbed her forehead. Unsure of what to say, she looked at Lena, hopeful she could pick up where Kaisa had left off.

@Sreeya @Valen Pelora

 

[The Storyteller]

Lena nodded in agreement to what the Grandmaster said. And she agreed with Kaisa’s assessment. She turned to regard the Grandmaster, “The Jedi have seldom been on the winning side, Grandmaster, as unfortunate as that is,” She sighed, “The issue is that you take all the blame upon yourself. The concern lies with you applying far too much attachment and personal feelings on matters. Your relationship with your padawan is problematic to where if she were to fall in battle, I am unfortunately skeptical of your ability to move past it. You are a very powerful Jedi, Grandmaster, and that power being guided by emotion is a concerning prospect for the council and the Order.”

She sighed before she continued, “Furthermore, we believe you keep secrets from the council. You had disappeared shortly after the former Jedi Clove Vanhoop stepped down from the Star Guardians. Ever since then you have been keeping something from us, keeping yourself guarded and out of sight.”

Lena stared at her, “We need to understand how committed you are to this role, Grandmaster. The entire Order depends on you and currently the Council is concerned about its confidence in your abilities when emotions cloud you. Please tell us anything else we should know and be honest about your confidence in yourself to perform this role without emotions causing you to deviate."

@Valen Pelora @Logan

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Alex was not so proud she could not see the truth in their words. These were her friends. She had served with Lena for countless years and through unimaginable hardship. They knew each other, they knew her. The Morellian Jedi leaned back and laced her fingers together. “The Light finds me as easily as ever. I do not find myself unbalanced, unable to call the Light….but…I hear your concerns.” She meant what she said. They were a Council not a dictatorship. She was their friend, not their master.

“You both know me. Know who I am. I cannot deny I have not felt myself lately. The loss of Yavin and what happened to Clove impacted me far more than it should.” She raised a hand asking them to let her finish. “It’s not the person but the circumstances. To see our Order bloodied and then to see a girl we raised, lose her way, lose her master, and lose herself, I found myself feeling responsible.” Her voice was even. Her tone measured. “Feel as if a different choice of mine might have set her on a better path. We have lost so many in a similar fashion and I know I cannot be everything to everyone. She is young and made her own choices. Yet, it was still a challenging burden to carry.” Their concerns about Maura struck a deeper chord. A nasty truth she was did not enjoy facing. She pinched the bridge of her nose.

“We have all lost before. I am no expectation. Friends, loved ones, students. All gone before their time. Oota, Sada, Max, Talak, Hans, Oren, Crix, Maiko, the list tumbles on. Perhaps they get harder each time, but the Force carried me through all of them.” She had often said it. A Jedi’s life was sacrifice. “But you are right about Maura. I am fond of the girl and have allowed myself to grow too close. I can’t count the number of Jedi I’ve trained. Too many of them gone too soon.” The list was far too long. “There is something special about her that should be fostered but my affection has clouded my judgment. I see that.” Alex knew she would take risks for Maura she would not otherwise. A gap in her decisions that was unpleasant to admit. “She has passed one of her trials and I believe the other two will present themselves soon. She returned from Yavin with Jedi Leonkri and Jedi Axil. I will ask the two of them absorb the bulk of her training while I better orient myself.” She had been talking for so long...too long. Frankly, it felt right to finally clear the air.

“Clove is another matter. She is alive…although severed from the Force. I went to her as a friend, to offer what support I could. The same I would do for any who left us without falling. She has certainly made mistakes, but she did not deserve to be alone after what happened." Her parents dead and her life shattered. "My understanding is she remains in hiding after the attempt on her life and I took precautions to hide my presence to not reveal her location.” That was the only secret in her mind. The Council was well advised on the dealings of the Shadows, especially, Kaisa. They could feel the truth in her words. And so finally they turned to the greater mater.

Alex took a deep breath and let down her walls. They would sense her conviction, her dedication to the Order, her faith in the Light. “You all trusted me once. I am asking you to do so again. I understand your worry, you were right to ask me here, but I am still me.” They see the foundation of her soul as solid as ever. She took a deep breath. “I know I am not alone, that I carry these burdens with you together...I will not lose sight of that again and I swear I will do the work necessary to ensure my eyes are clear.” Her belief was unwavering. Her will to improve indomitable. “Together we will see the Order through our darkest hours.”

@Logan @Sreeya