I Don’t Have a Name For It

[Eddard Thul Drast]

Spoiler: Theme

In Eddard's personal opinion, everyone had one person who they told everything about their lives and trusted, wholly, to judge them without reservation.

For him, it was his Grandmother.

He had spent time with his Grandmother growing up and she had doted on him until such a time as when she had decided he needed to grow up and stand on his own - if he recalled he was about eight at the time. But she had attempted to mould his father, her son, into an acceptable heir to her legacy of wit and cunning directly and he had turned into a useless waste of space.

Sometimes he was very aware that he was his Grandmother's 'second attempt' at making someone worthwhile in her eyes. It was strange then that he had never felt pressured by it, only reassured that when he spoke to her about the things that weighed heavily on him, it would be both as a grandson asking his grandmother and as an apprentice asking a mentor.

There were layers to their relationship.

But he needed to see her, needed to speak to her, about two things. One thing that he had done already and was struggling to deal with. And the other? Was something unknown to him that he needed her guidance to identify.

Being directed to her favourite balcony by one of the staff, Eddard walked out into the cool, crisp, air of the Alderaan morning. The view was stunning and the day itself mild and enjoyable. It would grow warmer during the day but nothing overbearing.

And he was stalling, thinking to himself about the weather.

"Grandmother..."

He turned to face the woman who was his grandmother, Meera Thul-Drast, so that he could address her directly, as she had so often told him to do in the past when asking someone for advice. Still, he was slightly nervous.

"I..." he stuttered, cursing himself inwardly for such a mistake before pressing on, "I am in need of your advice, your counsel. I have tried to do what I can to advance our family, myself and our Empire and I find myself..."

He sat down beside her on the bench, looking down at his hands.

"I have things I don't understand - about myself. I need your help, Grandmother, to understand."

He expected her to help him... but he also expected to be scolded like a child. It was just how this was going to go he supposed.

@Malon

 

[The Storyteller]

The House of Thul had ruled Alderaan for five hundred years, two hundred longer than the last ruling family, and all of them had led to the famously tart Lady Meera Thul (officially Mera Thul-Drast, but the hyphenated bit never really rolled off the tongue, so she chose not to introduce herself as such). Lady Thul was barely eighty and perhaps knew more of the galaxy than either of the men ruling it. Yet, she was content to spend her days in the gardens of Aldera. It was more beautiful here than Coruscant might ever be—and she had so grown to loathe galactic politics even before the galaxy went up in the flames of war.

Lady Thul's progeny consisted of ruthless Sith, but her grandson had always been somewhat soft. He desired the politician's life and many did not see him to be a "true" Sith in so much as such Sith were often ruthless and cruel, while her grandson was neither. He had toughened up in recent years—that was to be sure—but Meera saw through the outward display to the quick. He could hide nothing from her. Nevertheless, the Lady of House Thul held a soft spot for her grandson and he frequently approached her in times of need as a result. She was never a comfort and he words were sharper and cut deeper than any lightsaber, but, perhaps, that is why he appreciated her.

"Your first problem is in what you just said," Lady Thul replied tartly. "Family. Yourself. The Empire. They're all well-and-good, but, when the cards are down, the only thing you can rely upon with any certainty in this galaxy is yourself." A servant came out onto the spacious balcony, interrupting her, and delivered a tray of assorted cheeses on a silver platter which she, in-turn, offered to her grandson. "And, as for the rest, well, I imagine there are a great many things you do not fully understand. Nevertheless, unburden yourself, and I will lend you what counsel I can." @Nefieslab

 

[Eddard Thul Drast]

Ah there it was.

Tart as rhubarb without the hint of sweetness - that was his grandmother alright. He raised an eyebrow as she called into question his priorities but he didn't say anything in return. After all, he was here to get her advice and if she thought that was part of the issue? Well it very well could be and it would be something to take under advisement. It was refreshing to have someone tell him their thoughts without a filter.

Without worrying if it would "hurt his feelings" or if it was in line with the Imperial Official stance or whatever.

He hummed in response and accepted a single offering of the cheese from the platter, but not before probing around the member of staff for any ill intent. Poisoning was something he looked out for in his role and he would absolutely not put it past his grandmother to poison him to make a point. He would only eat a part of the cheese treat if he felt no ill-intent from the server. Waiting until the staff was gone, he spoke.

"I was on a mission on a non-Imperial planet and the local field office had turned traitor - the head of the field office attempted to kill me and the Mandalorian woman I was supposed to be gaining intelligence on. We worked together to kill the traitor and her underworld contact." he explained, looking down slightly, "But the woman, the field office leader, had a sister who was looking into the killing. She was going to become a threat to me. To the family as well."

Eddard set the rest of the cheese down, suddenly no longer hungry. Instead he just looked at the floor.

"So I killed the sister - brought the Mandalorian as back up, made her see that anyone looking for revenge would look to her and hers as well. But I realised that leaving anyone alive ran the risk of there being retaliation so..." he paused for just a second before pushing on, "So I went to their home. They were having a family reunion and I went in there and I killed them all, with a blaster and a knife. No evidence of Sith activity. I convinced myself that to be truly safe from revenge, I needed to end any potential threat so I did but grandmother... the children..."

He paused again, running a hand through his hair.

"I need to know how to live with it - so that it can never be used against me."

He just didn't know how.

@Malon

 

[The Storyteller]

Lady Thul was quiet a moment after her grandson finished his grisly tail. The old woman was hardly fazed by the details of his crime. Oh, sure, she looked frail and old to the adoring public, but it typically forgotten that she was a Sith too, and well-versed in the teachings of the dark side of the Force. Sometimes, she thought that even her own grandson forgot that detail about her. She didn't just talk the talk; she walked the walk.

Finally, she broke the silence by picking up a wine glass and bottle, which she proceeded to fill. "I wasn't meant to marry your grandfather, you know. He was intended for another—my sister, your aunt Altana. I, on the other hand, was intended for another of the Drasts. One of the lesser, more inbred branches." She smirked, swiveling the freshly poured wine in the glass before inhaling deeply and closing her eyes to admire the scent (and the memory). "When I saw my intended, well, I knew he would not do. He had no ambition. No power. He was meek and weak and stupid."

Still smiling, she leaned over the table and offered the glass of wine to her grandson. "No, I knew what I wanted. Your grandfather was from better stock. And, so, the night before he was to propose to your aunt, I invited her to my room for a celebratory drink. A toast to her good fortune. And, when she was nice and drunk, practically falling all over herself, I... 'took care' of my rival." She leaned back in her seat and arched her eyebrows. The action said enough. "Oh, yes," she added, clearly pleased with herself. "I was vicious back in my day. And I did not suffer rivals. I did what needed to be done. Was it pretty? No. It was a damn lot of paperwork. But it did need to be done."

"You are a Sith." The words came from her mouth sharply, like a bite. "The choices you make in your life will never be easy. You won't always be proud of yourself for them; but you must make them anyways—because it's what needs to happen. For the Empire; for the family; and, more importantly, for yourself." She took a swig of her own wine. "It's what separates us from those pompous Jedi of old. The sooner you accept that, the easier it will be for you to live with your choices." @Nefieslab

 

[Eddard Thul Drast]

Eddard closed his eyes for a moment as he just let her advice roll over him, soaking in. The fact that she had killed a rival in such a way was rather interesting - he had always thought of his grandmother as the type to convince people to kill themselves but it seemed that she had been good at the typical Sith activities when she was younger as well.

She was good - she was very good.

"You saw what needed to be done and you did it." he agreed quietly with a small frown, "I did the same. I don't know why it bothers me when it clearly doesn't bother you at all. Is it just something that comes with time?"

Quite a lot of things came with time, after all, although he would very much prefer it if he were able to come to terms with what he'd done sooner than that. He wasn't exactly gifted with an abundance of time after all. He needed to get this under control so that it couldn't be used against him before he got to any kind of position where things could be used against him.

Humming, he looked out at the skyline for a moment.

"Then I suppose it will just be something I accept as something to bear until I can squash it entirely." he agreed, glancing at her, "The next matter I speak to you about I am uncertain about. Grandmother, I have fought alongside this Mandalorian woman on several occasions now, where our goals aligned. And finally I met her in combat on Onderon."

He rubbed at the stubble of his chin.

"Neither of us could bring ourselves to harm the other. Combat instincts were ignored and even forcing myself forwards, I pulled my strikes. She did the same. I could have fought her, I might have been able to capture or kill her but I just couldn't bring myself to do it." he clenched his fists, "It was as though my body had a mind and will of it's own and it's will was to see her unharmed. When I think back to her, I think of how she looked on Bandameer... how she shined when the light touched her. Grandmother you know me. I do not spare much time for emotional responses but I need to know; what is wrong with me?"

@Malon

 

[The Storyteller]

"Love, my dear." Lady Thul said it with the wriest of smiles resting on her face. "Love is a complicated thing—and, if I am completely honest with you, it is a weakness. One that afflicts us all at one point or another." She poured herself another glass of wine and then offered the bottle to her grandson. "You see, my dear, some Sith believe (stupidly) that being free of the Light means the freedom to pursue love and affection, and all that they ever desired in life. They are fools."

She took a deep sip and patted her lips with a napkin. "To be sure, marriage has its uses—but love?" She shook her head. "Love is blinding to even the strongest of us. Makes you dumb too. Sparing that girl was stupid. She was your enemy, and allowing her to escape with her life has allowed her another chance to strike at you. At us." Lady Thul set her glass of wine down again and leaned forward in her seat. "Remember back to your training. 'There is no mercy.' There is a good reason for that. Mercy is a weakness. Should your lady friend and her cabal return and attack another world, your momentary lapse of judgement will be the cause of it."

"Do you truly want my advice, my dear?" Her face was solemn. She knew her grandson would not like what she had to say. But she never pulled punches; and she was not about to pull them with him. He asked for her advice and he would receive it. "Sever your ties with this woman, and, if you see her again... kill her. There will be pain, but this is good. Pain makes us stronger. Loss stronger still. Embrace them. Use them. It is our way. They are what have made our family and our people strong." @Nefieslab

 

[Eddard Thul Drast]

"Shit."

Out of all the words in Basic and all the words he knew in other languages, he didn't think that any others quite so encapsulated his situation and his emotions than that one word. Of all of the things that it could have been, it had to be that. It had to be love, the thing that was the ruin and the making of men and women. The emotion that, more than any other inspired men and women to greatness and to insanity.

And he was, apparently, afflicted by it.

Blessed by it.

The truth depended on which school of thought you supported he supposed.

Kill her.

It came back to that common and easily stated option. But it was so easy to say it and so hard for him to even entertain the thought of actually going through with it. Killing her made logical sense. Everything that made him a Sith and an effective agent screamed at him to comply with his Grandmother's advice and to kill Raz the next time he saw her. Hell, part of him was trying to reason that killing her would be a kindness because it meant he would never have this conflict again.

"Our family line only exists because a single man was struck by the curse that is love." he argued right back to his grandmother before holding his head in his hand, "I know that, logically, I must kill her. But I... I'm cursed. I'm cursed with these feelings and I am doomed."

He looked to his grandmother before taking a deep breath and composing himself.

"Thank you for your aid and your counsel." he informed her with a nod of his head, "I... have a lot of thinking to do. Good day."

Eddard bet a hasty retreat and he didn't care if it looked like he was running away.

He was doomed.

/End Thread
@Malon