Internecion

[Marf]

@Internecion

Mate, if you want, I'd be willing to help with the formatting and the actual character, so it's more compelling, more structured and far less OP, plus I'd make your sheet look berterferl.

but my first piece of advice is this, a character's strengths are far more impacting and effective, and just cooler, when they don't actually have that many. Andromeda is a great combatant and really, really strong, apart from that, she's shit, but that's what makes her cool. It's fun writing her screwing up, getting humiliated and being terrible at anything related to the Force. Not to mention, while her cybernetics make her much stronger and more durable, they massively degrade her strength in the Force aswell as her physical health, and have to be restructured every few years, which is a painful and debilitating process.

That's an example of a compelling character with only one or two major strengths. When you bombard a character sheet with powers, skills, weapons and tech, you do a serious disservice to the actual character and areas which are important, like story and personality.

 

[Outlander]

You're right! I am filled with determination! I will complete my critique! YEAH!

For the sake of simplicity, i'll skip right down to the introduction of Nor'baal. Now as our own resident @Nor'baal said earlier, you didn't have his permission to use his character, which means a lot of what's under this will be voided. Not to mention, you reference the Black Sun here as well. Now, while they are Canon as of the Clone Wars cartoon, that is 1000 years in the future, and they're displayed as a large, but not enormous, criminal entity. In this set of paragraphs, you not only establish that they're here 1000 years earlier, but are a fairly enormous faction with multiple enterprises across the rim. Not only that, but you spin this into another plus for your character, making him amazing at business, and being known across Hutt space.

Symbiotic relationship with energy spiders what? I can't even.

Wait, so you crashed a starfighter into the Noghri Capital. They then allow you to stay, as well as teaching you a bunch of cool stuff? Are you being for real here? You have throughout the course of this bio added various pieces of overpowered tech and powerful force abilities, and now you're adding he can literally use the force to sense someone's bloodline?

To be honest, and I obviously can't prove any of this, but I think you're putting this stuff in intentionally thick writing so people don't see them. It's why this was approved in the first place; no one was willing to read all the way through it. If this is an honest mistake, and you where just putting it in with your bio, I apologize. But it looks shady from my perspective.

So, after all of this, you're an incredibly powerful business-man and warrior with access to a vast criminal network; none of which was roleplayed out.
You need to seriously rething the very purpose of this character. You're not here to be the most ultimate badass this galaxy has every seen. You're here to make an interesting story of your characters triumphs and shortcomings. You have no weaknesses, and thus no interesting avenues for storytelling. You're amazing at basically everything. And you haven't actually earned any of it.

Now, this should wrap up this whole series. Skills, Gear, etc. Basically, knock it all down about 95%. You have expertise in four lightsaber forms and one special cultural form, which you combined into one super form. That is an absolute no. You also don't have a section on weaknesses, another no.

About half to 2/3 of that gear will need approval. Just because there's an example in legends doesn't mean it's free to cary over, not to mention some of that is from the future. Evena sside from those points, you're literally carrying seven guns, a flamethrower, two lightsabers, and 15 grenades. This is unacceptable. Your character is supposed to have a reasonable loadout, especially when you're just starting out. And this is frankly ridiculous.


WHEW!

OK, now that that's done, i'm off to take a very long nap.

 

[Sapphire Storm]

It looks like everything is already sorted. This was probably one of those profiles at the beginning of the timeline that I skimmed very briefly because I was more focused on getting people approved and into the RP at the timeline's start, which is definitely my bad and a mistake I learned from pretty quickly.

 

[Outlander]

It looks like everything is already sorted. This was probably one of those profiles at the beginning of the timeline that I skimmed very briefly because I was more focused on getting people approved and into the RP at the timeline's start, which is definitely my bad and a mistake I learned from pretty quickly.

No worries, Sapphire. Honest mistake, and, frankly, I don't blame you for not reading all the way through.