Itiki Kirame

xGhoulz

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<>Basic Info<>
<>Name<>

Itiki Kirame
<>Faction<>
GALAF

<>Species<>
Human

<>Age<>
21

<>Gender<>
Male

<>Force Sensitive<>
Yes, trained



<>Other Info<>
<>Appearance<>
f415eb659582dbdc4de7fa73db94a61c.jpg

Height: 6'0

Weight: 179

Eye Color: Light Brown

Hair Style: Messy, Chin-Length

Hair Color: Light Red

Skin Color: Light White

Build: Young
<>Attributes<>
Personality Flaws: He is kind and thoughtful, yet quick to anger and also secretive, making him not so trustworthy. XXXXXXXXXX

Health: Itiki sticks to a healthy lifestyle, he works hard, doesn't slack, and he eats healthy for the most part. XXXXXXXXXX

Dexterity: Itiki can perform simple tasks with only his hands, he still works on performing hard tasks though. XXXXXXXXXX

Stamina: He was always full of energy, he takes things slow so he can use his energy when he really needs it. XXXXXXXXXX

Strength: Itiki is more defensive than offensive, making him less strong in a fight. XXXXXXXXXX

Intellect: Itiki is a quick thinker, making him able to react to most things quickly, yet this isn't always the case. XXXXXXXXXX
<>Personality<>
Calm: Itiki is almost always in a calm manner, and can also be calm in a bad situation, yet other negative emotions can disrupt this.

Kind: Itiki is kind to mostly everyone, finding the good in people, and sticking with people who will effect him in a good way.
Thoughtful: He thinks of others and the ones that he cares about, trying to make then feel good in any way possible.
Secretive: Itiki holds many secrets, some that are full of hatred and darkness, and some that are more happy and not so bad.
Mysterious: Itiki always finds a way to be very mysterious and strange, making most things about him a mystery.
Talented: Itiki has many talents, he can use them when he needs them in a situation, or just for fun!
<>Biography<>
Itiki grew up on Coruscant, in the city's underworld. During this current time, Coruscant is controlled by the republic, with the Jedi protecting them, and the rest of the city, from danger. Itiki grew up with his mother and father, they were poor, and were treated kindly by the republic that protected the planet. Itiki's mother and father supported their family, and took care of a young Itiki at the time. As Itiki slowly grew to be a toddler, their family was still lacking money, which would soon cause them to go completely broke. Itiki's father lost his job when he was just 4, which was a huge loss to their family.


Though they were going through a very tough time, Itiki was a very lively and happy child, trying to make the best of things. Itiki tried to help out around his home, but was never allowed out. Now 6, Itiki was beginning to get in the way of his parents, who were struggling to still provide for themselves and their child. A year has passed, and Itiki has started to realize he can use the force. Itiki messed around with his newly discovered "power", and started to lift simple things such as wooden blocks, and silverware. His parents were often in their room talking alone since he discovered the force.

A few months later, his parents came to the decision that Itiki would go to live with his grandmother, who lived in the upper parts of Coruscant. Itiki was sent aboard a shuttle by himself to the upper parts, he missed his parents so dearly, and didn't understand why they were doing this to him, but he learned to deal with the fact. Once arriving in the upper city, he used a hologram of the city of Coruscant to find his way to his grandmother's place. Filled with determination, he safely made it to his grandmother's place quickly. He continued to use the force at his grandmother's home, which impressed her a lot. His grandmother told him countless stories about the Jedi and how they fought against the evil Sith, and even taught him how to control and use the force.

But she didn't just teach him how to use the force, she treated him kindly, as if she were his mother, and that he was her son, even though they were going through a tough time with the empire in control, Itiki's grandmother still managed to take care of the two. Itiki underwent training in the force with his grandmother, and in the mean time, grew to understand the force better, and thought it was a magnificent thing that everyone should know about. He impressed his grandmother with the things he could do using the force, he never gave up when training, even when it seemed like he would never succeed. As years went by, Itiki turned 11, and that's when the event that would change his life and how he viewed things forever, happened. Itiki looked out the window staring up in to the sky he saw the most terrifying sight he'd ever see, a large imperial destroyer, with imperial ships spraying out of it, shooting down homes and causing chaos and destruction. Few more destroyer's showed up, imperial ships appearing from them, shooting down the Jedi temple that was being raided by the Sith, screams could be heard, children crying in all the chaos, Itiki couldn't bare to watch anymore, he hated the Sith, and would never forget this day, the downfall. The event changed Itiki's life, and how he viewed the Sith but his feelings for the Republic and the Jedi never changed, for he felt the Jedi would help if the Sith tried to do anything bad, yet his grandmother's view was different, it was about the future, and what would happen to the Jedi, and what the Sith would do to Coruscant.

After the downfall, the Sith took rule, and are now controlling Coruscant. Now 14, 3 years after the fall of the old republic, even though they were going through a tough time with the empire in control, Itiki's grandmother still managed to take care of the two. He received a present from his grandmother a few weeks later, it was a lightsaber. She said it was hers when she was younger, and it was the people who passed it down to her parents and to her, and now she is giving it to her grandson. Itiki took the lightsaber and promised to her that he would never lose it, and that he would take care of it like it was something very valuable to him. She then told him a story, of how she used that lightsaber when she was a padawan, a Jedi padawan!

She said she used the saber when she went on missions with her mentor, and how much exciting, and sometimes dangerous, it was. Itiki finally learned that his grandmother was a Jedi, but she wasn't allowed to stay a Jedi for long because of her age. Since his grandmother couldn't teach him how to use that lightsaber herself, she gave him books to read, so that he could practice the forms and techniques of using a lightsaber. As he grew and practiced his skill in the force and with his lightsaber, the empire kind of faded out of his mind, but it was still there, and he hated that thought. Aside from training, he traveled the city, carrying his lightsaber by him at all times.

Itiki didn't really run in to any danger, actually, none at all. He minded his business and stayed out of the imperials way. As years passed, Itiki turned 18, and his grandmother couldn't provide for herself and Itiki, so Itiki had to start working for himself, which meant moving out of his grandmother's place. But before leaving, his grandmother gave him books which studied the force, and which practiced lightsaber forms. Now living as a rogue, hiding from the empire, though he caused no trouble with them, he devoted himself to practicing the force, and how to control it. Itiki still misses his parents, and wonders where they are now, he is currently 21, and still thinks about them all the time.

As days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, Itiki received a note that would change him emotionally, his grandmother had died. Though this was very sad, it did not affect Itiki in how he treated others, and how he went along with things. Itiki respects his grandmother for the things she did for him, and misses her just as much as he misses his parents. Now he looks for a new adventure, he one day would run into a sign that would lead him to join GALAF, a group working against the Sith. As when he was a child, he remembered that day of the downfall, and he wanted to get back at the Sith for what they did by joining GALAF.
<>Skills<>
Combat Skills: XXXXXXXXXX Working on hand to hand combat.

Swordsmanship: XXXXXXXXXX Efficient when using melee weapons, rusty when using others.

Piloting: XXXXXXXXXX He can pilot efficiently, yet he doesn't do well in tight spaces.

Medical Knowledge: XXXXXXXXXX With the help of the force, he can heal very small wounds.

Force Push: XXXXXXXXXX He has halfway mastered it, and isn't so good at using it all the time.

Force Grab: XXXXXXXXXX Can use this technique to do simple things, but wastes lots of energy otherwise.

Force Lift: XXXXXXXXXX Though he can lift some things, others will come difficult to lift.

Force Choke: XXXXXXXXXX He practices this technique very little, thinking that it's evil.
Lightsaber Proficiency: XXXXXXXXXX He has mastered many simple techniques, and can perform some advanced techniques. In all he can use his lightsaber efficiently.
<>Gear<>
6e09e2c51b1dbe26f6443825d184305e.jpg

Main Attire
Old Lightsaber
582801a56da3e7a7ec9cc5e014b2c3ab.jpg

Holocommunicator
Leather Chest Guard
Thermal Detonator
Shock Grenade
<>Ships<>
mon_calamari__freighter_commission_by_adamkop-d6owws7.jpg

Oceanspray Freighter



 
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Caramon

I find your lack of faith disturbing
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Hey man I like the bio of your character. I think he will be a very interesting person to RP with. The only thing I find difficult is him mastering some of the lightsaber techniques by himself with no formal training. Also how did he learn that he was able to use the force. I think you might have to get the Jedi or Sith approval for the use of their faction in your Bio and how you ar able to use the force. Just trying to help. I know that this is an indie character so your not waiting for a faction to approve it, just giving you some tips. I think your character is cool though and would like to RP with him sometime.
 

xGhoulz

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I read your comment and decided to change the bio to tell you how Itiki can use the force, and included lightsaber techniques, i also changed the skills to make it fit better, thank you for the tip!
 

Caramon

I find your lack of faith disturbing
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your welcome. Just trying to help.
 

Billbo Swaggins

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Hello! I'm here to review your profile in order to make sure it is suitable for GALAF.

Just from a quick glance, it looks pretty good, which is awesome because it saves me a lot of work and also makes me like you more ^_^.

Anyway, onto the actual review:

Firstly, I just like to make sure that you are aware of the state of our current timeline, since your mention of tie-fighters and of Ilum being an Imperial world had me slightly suspicious (tell me if I'm wrong - I'll make it up to you :)). Our current timeline is set about 1000 years before the events of A New Hope. The current empire is not the same as that of in the movies and isn't as large either. I highly suggest you check out this and this for more info ;).

The next thing is minor, and sort of related to the first. Ilum is not an Empire-controlled planet, last I've heard of. It's currently controlled by the Jedi, and thus it would be highly improbable that the Sith would have a work camp there. I would check this out and pick one of the northeast planets in Sith territory as an alternative. In addition, Tatooine has historically been a planet under the Mandalorian Dominion's control, so I would also switch to another planet in the northeast of Sith territory.

Those are the more glaring issues that I can see, although there are a few subtler ones that I'll take some time to address.

Why is it that the imperials take the time and resources to go to his home and take him away from his parents, then take him to a facility as a young child? Logistically, it makes no sense. Why would the Empire go out of its way to take a child too young to work, and spend money feeding and clothing him until he was old enough to do so? Just conscript grown men to do said labor or use slaves - it's a much cheaper, more economical, approach that the Empire would more likely take than the scenario outlined in the beginning of your bio.

I would also like you to expound a little on his Force Sensitivity. If he's force sensitive, why didn't the Sith try to recruit him? Why put him in a manual labor camp when he could become so much more? Additionally, I would like you to tell me more about his force sensitivity. In it's current state, the bio is kinda like "oh yeah he's Force sensitive so he went to learn under his gramma". It works, but I want more. Who is his grandmother? How does his force sensitivity play into his early and mid life? Being FS is a huge defining trait of those who are, and as such, you need to talk more about it, not just add it in as an afterthought.

I also want you to talk a little more about how these 3 years of training under his grandmother changed him as a person. Three years is a big chunk of time, I want to know what happened during said chunk. What were his views on the Force before? What were his views after? Or did they change at all? What kind of training did he go through? Did he ever meet another force sensitive other than his grandmother? You don't have to answer all of these questions (or any of them), but I want you to use them as an example for the kind of detailing that I want to see in your bio.

While this may seem like much, it's really only because I like to run my mouth. Some of my friends talk about how for every one sentence, they write, I write three, so don't be intimidated by the wall of text that you've just read. Basically, I want you to do three things:
1. Fix the timeline stuff in your bio
2. Fix the location problems
3. Flesh out the loose ends and vague parts of your bio

Other than that, I don't really see much of a problem with your bio. We can move onto other stuff once you've done the above three things.

Cheers~!
 

xGhoulz

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I believe I've completed your tasks, i explained a lot more on how he can use the force, and expanded more on his grandmother, instead of he learned under her.
Thanks, hope you can get back to me!
 

Billbo Swaggins

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I believe I've completed your tasks, i explained a lot more on how he can use the force, and expanded more on his grandmother, instead of he learned under her.
Thanks, hope you can get back to me!
Nice! It looks like you've really gone through and revamped your biography :)
You definitely did expand a bunch on his learning of the Force. However, there are still a few places that could use a bit of touching up.

Firstly: tell me more about his grandmother. Tell us what she was like, how she treated Itiki, and a little bit of her history. She's a very important part of Itiki's life, after all, and it helps flesh out his backstory when a major influence is also fleshed out fairly well. No need to go into a huge level of detail, but I would still like to know.

I also find it a bit hard to justify your mentioning of Itiki's friend. Who are they? Why are they important? How did the two meet? At its current state, i just don't see any reason why there would be any need for the friend to be mentioned, as they are fairly unimportant. Are they lovers? Did the friend save Itiki's life? Tell me something that makes said friend important, or just nix the concept.

Also, Coruscant. The planet has been under the control of the Empire for only around 10 years, now. Beforehand it was under the control of the Republic, until large parts were damaged by a Sith invasion. You should probably mention how the invasion affected Itiki and his grandmother, as well as how life got so much harder for the two after the Empire took over. Tell us how the destruction Itiki witnessed changed his view of the Republic, Empire, Sith, and Jedi.

Also, before I forget, you may want to find the actual tech writeup on the tech compendium for the shock grenade. The thermal detonator is generic technology, but I think any grenade that isn't a TD, HE, or smoke, requires a write up (although I could be very, very, wrong).

Honestly, this is it. If you can get this done, I'll be happy, you'll be happy, and I'll have @Outlander do a final check in case I missed anything ^_^
 
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xGhoulz

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Thanks, i know about the downfall, it can't believe that i've even played the swtor game and i forgot to add that. Thanks anyways.
 

Billbo Swaggins

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Thanks, i know about the downfall, it can't believe that i've even played the swtor game and i forgot to add that. Thanks anyways.
Just as a note - SWTOR is technically considered not canon. The general events of this timeline are loosely similar to some events in the game, but it is largely considered non-canon.
 

xGhoulz

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Finally, finished that part, check to see if i'm still missing anything. I really hope that i'm not.
Hope you can get back to this, or Outlander, whoever checks it.
 

Billbo Swaggins

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Finally, finished that part, check to see if i'm still missing anything. I really hope that i'm not.
Hope you can get back to this, or Outlander, whoever checks it.
Cool!

I read through it again and I only found a few things left.

Firstly, I saw that you mentioned Imperial rule before the actual Sith invasion. Keep in mind Coruscant was held by the Republic at that time - so you may want to fix that. Keep in mind that life in some parts of Coruscant was still pretty bad under the Republic, so you won't have to change much.

I was also wondering just why he still loved his parents. They gave him up, didn't they? Wouldn't he harbor some resentment towards them? You don't necessarily have to mention any of this, but it would definitely be an interesting dynamic for RP.
 

xGhoulz

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His personality is what causes him to love his parents, and he didn't understand why they did this, but he still loved them. Sorry about that timeline issue, its meant to be read a different way, i'll fix it.
 

Outlander

All Indie, All the Time
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Hey there friendo! Your friendly neighborhood meme here, coming along to give your profile a once-over.

Overall, I think your profile has really shaped up! So much so that I can only see a few minor issues, and I think your willingness to listen to @TheCalmOne is commendable.

The only issues I see are that it would be easier to read the Biography if you broke it down into paragraphs, the Faction should read GALAF since you're joining, and the starfighter you mention MAY require approval through the tech board. If you do need approval, feel free to check out the Approved Tech area and pick out a similar starfighter until yours is approved. @Clayton

Also, there's one small point in the Bio i'd like to address. Why is he joining GALAF? It's kind of a big deal to become an active combatant against the empire, so i'd like to see something there about his recruitment into the cell.

Also, and i'm not entirely sure about this myself, but I think that, regardless of presentation, your Appearance section needs to be at least 50 words. @Zenya

And, this isn't an issue, but if you want to put pictures in your profile, use the code below, and use the link you find of that picture you get from "Copy Image Location"

Code:
[img][/img]
 

xGhoulz

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I need help with pic's, thanks. But what do you mean by "and use the link you find of that picture you get from "Copy Image Location."?
 

Outlander

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I need help with pic's, thanks. But what do you mean by "and use the link you find of that picture you get from "Copy Image Location."?

Basically, when you right click a picture, a list of options comes up. Go down and click "Copy Image Location". This will give you a link with an extension at the end (.png, .jpg, etc), which is the link you use for the image tag.
 

xGhoulz

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Welp, i've been using pinterest, which is where i find my good images. I did it, even using pinterest, thanks a lot! I've always wanted to add pictures!
 
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