苦しい (kurushii): painful; difficult; agonizing.
10 years ago…
Clothes littered the hallway leading to the bedroom. The door itself was left slightly ajar. From within the room a woman’s breathy giggle was cut short by a loud moan, which was then silenced by a man’s low, amused chuckle.
Delicate, pink hands found purchase on broad, pale shoulders. Pale lips ghosted along a slender neck, each touch as light as the petals of flowers blooming on an early spring. Each kiss was punctuated by murmured praises, received so eagerly with fervor that was a complete contrast to the calmness of the man who knew how to take his time to unravel the woman in his arms.
”Please,” she muttered, sable eyes meeting intense, icy blues. Her plea was only met by yet another chuckle as he smiled devilishly down at her, the tips of his long, dark hair tickling her skin. Her hands glided along the pale expanse of his skin, rising until they settled on either side of his face. He allowed himself to be pulled closer, their lips meeting in a chaste kiss that was so out of place from the quiet intensity of their dance.
She repeated when he allowed herself to pull away, chest rising and falling with each breath she took, ”Please. I’ll tell you anything, Antë…”
Hyarantë Erennor smiled at her, lowering his face until their foreheads connected. He stole another kiss while she still tried to catch her breath, arms winding ever tighter around her waist as he pulled her to him so she could lay on his chest.
”Aww, babe. I thought we’ll be talking about work after,” he whined playfully. ”’Sides, that’s how we roll, right?”
The woman hid her smile by biting her bottom lip, head tilting up so she could look at him - or at least she tried to. His face, much like his life’s story, was perfectly hidden in the shadows, and she only caught glimpses of what he was willing to show her. He would appear to her bearing a different visage from their previous meeting, his only constant being that of those exquisite, vivid eyes the color of the clearest skies. The man was different from the Sector Rangers she knew, and yet he was also the same. A walking contradiction, in the ways he was so open in expressing his pleasures and disappointments, and how closed off he was when discussions took the direction of his private life. He came and went, always seeking information only she could provide.
Still, she savored these quiet, intimate moments he would grace her with. A part of her wished that he would one day come to call her as his lover, his one and only, but at the same time she also knew that it could not– would never be. He came and went, she received and let go… but it was something, she supposed, and for that she should be grateful.
She smiled when he held her so gently, so innocuously – he was always so generous, so affectionate… and yet she could feel something a little odd. There was something different about him, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. He was still the same playful, passionate man she wished she could call hers, and yet…
She shook the thought off, chalking it up to pressures attached to his profession. He did mischievously whine to her about his job, after all.
His gaze met hers, one of his hands rising to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
"I'm sorry for disappearing without a word," Hyarantë murmured quietly, eyes closing as he pulled her impossibly close.
"Y-You don't have to," she replied just as quietly, surprised by his sudden apology. And she meant her assurance – he would literally be gone for weeks, months, on end, with absolute zero contact. But this was the first time he actually apologized for it, even if it was unnecessary.
It hit Nissa like a truck, then. He never did once bother to apologize about this, considering their arrangement. She was just an informant, and he was just a Ranger. Their connection was borne out of shared necessity. So, why–
His arms unwound around her, soft lips pressing to her forehead with a hint of finality to it. She didn't know why she felt that way, but the look in his eyes when he rose from the bed shone with what seemed to be guilt and regret.
"Thank you for everything, Nissa. I wish you all the happiness in the galaxy."
Hyarantë gave her one final, sad smile before disappearing from her life completely.
Haldir Erennor stumbled out of the apartment in a daze. He tried to keep his emotions in check until he could find a secluded spot to unleash them bit by bit, but luck was not in his favor tonight. He barely managed to trudge his way to a dingy alleyway, avoiding drunks and pickpockets, and promptly emptied the contents of his stomach beside a lonely dumpster.
Eyes watering and throat constricting, he took in one slow, deep breath after another, willing his churning gut to ease and cooperate.
He couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't play this role that was forced upon him. He knew he shouldn't feel resentment towards his own twin brother, but the life Hyarantë lived – the people whose lives the older Erennor touched – was making him sick. No, not Hyarantë's life, but the choices he made. Choices that left an impact on those he interacted with.
The pale man blinked away the blurriness that threatened his vision, brushing strands of dark hair from his eyes. He pulled out a specific commlink from his pocket and, imbuing his strength with the Force, crushed it in his hand. It was his final act of granting Nissa Praeto the freedom she deserved, a peace of mind she would only achieve knowing that Hyarantë Erennor would not be returning in her life anymore.
He could still feel her lips on his own, hesitant but full of affection and longing for something more. Feelings she could conceal from Hyarantë, but not from a practiced Force-user like Haldir. But Haldir couldn't give it to her. He was not his brother, and like his brother he did not love her. It would be unfair for her if–
The soft chime of another commlink broke through the downward spiral of his thoughts. When Haldir answered, the pain reflected in his eyes gave way to nothingness.
"Return home immediately."
"I will."
And as his ship entered the blue tunnel of hyperspace, Haldir gave the planet below him one last look and fervently wished Nissa Praetor all the happiness she deserved.
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