Leo Sunfell

Jet

SWRP Writer
Joined
Nov 15, 2008
Messages
37
Reaction score
0
My first char so don’t be so hard on me

Name: Leo Sunfell

Faction: Ospion Guardians

Rank: Padawan

Species: Human

Age: 17

Gender: Male

Height: 6ft. 1in.

Weight: 114lbs

Eyes: Blue

Hair: Brown

Skin: Light Tan

Credits: 1000

Distinguishing Marks: None

Dominate Hand: Right

Force Sensitive: Yes

Strength: 5/10
Dexterity: 10/10
Constitution: 6/10
Intelligence: 10/10
Wisdom: 5/10
Charisma: 8/10

Force Powers: None

Skills: Repairing/constructing, Piloting.

Light saber Forms: Form VII: Juyo

Strengths and Weaknesses: Great Speed movement and doges there for most likely every bullet. If he gets caught and can’t move very well he is has big weakness since he need the space to jump around. If he runs in that kind of trouble he can only hope for his intelligence to help him now and figure out a strategy fast. If nothing comes up he can just hope for a miracle.

Gear: Grappling hook

Ships: None (He's a Jedi, remember?)

Pets: None (He's a Jedi, remember?)

Personality: Leo was always nice to his people even though he did not listen to his masters all the time as he should.

History:
He was born on the Planet Ossus, but soon after his parents died he was left alone at home and had nothing to do except follow his dream to become a Jedi. His mother died on his birth. As small child he loved to construct stuff with Lego and later on out of metall. With his dad together he started to build his first drone. He never got to finish it because his dad died when he was six.

With the age of seven he joined the Jedi Order and trained under his Master for one year. His Master died when he was eight, his light saber skills were great but far from perfect. He shortly after got a new Master. Leo started hating his Master since he was nothing like his old and was always mean to him. With the age of ten he left the council, mostly because of his Master.

He flew with a ship to another planet that time where pretty much no one lived on except for a few people. He finished his first drone there that he started building with his dad. He constructed some more drone and small robots and got pretty good at it and got his materials for them in the next town that was twenty km away where he jogged always back and forth. He also went to library every day even though it was small it had some good books about tactics and strategies. His next big project was to build a speeder. Every year he flew his own made speeder at a race that was ones year and was consider being the most dangerous course in surrounding planets.

He got lonely as time passed and moved with the age of fifteen he moved to Corulag. He took a piloting class there and was learning fast since he used to fly with his speeder. He is now seventeen.

Kills: None

Dueling Ring Matches: None

Grand Tournament Matches: None

RPs:NONE
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Lavi

Join Smash Brothers already!
SWRP Writer
Joined
Jul 22, 2007
Messages
16,063
Reaction score
133
Remember that you learn your lightsaber form in your training, not before. Expand more on the personality, like what he likes and dislikes. If Leo could make his own robots, that makes him proficient in creating them (a skill), but how does he learn to do that (something for your history)?
 

Matt

London Calling.
SWRP Writer
Joined
Nov 27, 2005
Messages
26,916
Reaction score
10
Give the stats a bit more depth, explain how he is intelligent etc etc.

It's a good base to expand on though.
 

Lavi

Join Smash Brothers already!
SWRP Writer
Joined
Jul 22, 2007
Messages
16,063
Reaction score
133
Ah, forgot to tell you this, you won't get banned if you look at other profiles for examples of what to add for your profile.
 

Random Hero

Derp
SWRP Writer
Joined
Oct 21, 2008
Messages
4,235
Reaction score
0
Attributes are balanced IMO; but as Matt said elaborate on them. I also say try to get at least a paragraph for strengths and weaknesses and the personality section. A little bit more detail in the history; and just a suggestions write out the numbers in the history, it doesn't look good when they aren't spelt out.

Example:
- With the age of 7 he joined the council and trained under his Master for 1 year.
- With the age of seven, he joined the council and trained under his Master for one year.

See the difference? It looks much better if you do it that way.

Besides the above stated, it is a pretty good start. Good luck with it and welcome.
 

Jet

SWRP Writer
Joined
Nov 15, 2008
Messages
37
Reaction score
0
updated some stuff hope all of mistakes i did but if not please tell me again or if there something new i did wrong.

should be good i hope now
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Lavi

Join Smash Brothers already!
SWRP Writer
Joined
Jul 22, 2007
Messages
16,063
Reaction score
133
You should break up that history into smaller paragraphs.
 

Jet

SWRP Writer
Joined
Nov 15, 2008
Messages
37
Reaction score
0
true will do now, gets confusing for me too :P
 

Lavi

Join Smash Brothers already!
SWRP Writer
Joined
Jul 22, 2007
Messages
16,063
Reaction score
133
Oh yeah: Vaapad is not around in this time, because it was created by Mace Windu, and we're at 13,000 BBY (~12,080 years before Mace's time). Juyo is recognized here, though.
 

Jet

SWRP Writer
Joined
Nov 15, 2008
Messages
37
Reaction score
0
fixed that too anything else i can fix?

corrected speeling mistakes now
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Jet

SWRP Writer
Joined
Nov 15, 2008
Messages
37
Reaction score
0
i do but it did not auto correct it i copied into word and pasted back here afterwards
 

Ru the Boatswain

Furry Slayer
SWRP Writer
Joined
Dec 22, 2007
Messages
11,925
Reaction score
0
Get the spell check and use it all the time. It will help with correcting spelling mistakes and you will learn to spell correctly. Also work on capitalizing your 'I' and words at the beginning of sentences. It really helps.
 

Midian

SWRP Writer
Joined
Oct 29, 2008
Messages
242
Reaction score
0
Any type of Form VII would not be practiced by a padawan seeing as it's a combination of several mastered forms. I think it has already been mentioned, but as of this posting it hasn't been changed.

Also it would be helpful for more description to be present in your attributes. Numbers are difficult to interpret in a free-form scale. A simple sentence for each would probably be plenty.

Oh, and welcome to the site. ; )
 

Matt

London Calling.
SWRP Writer
Joined
Nov 27, 2005
Messages
26,916
Reaction score
10
Basically it's ok, not great buit good for a first profile.

Now rp'ing is the real challenge and with it you can make the profile bigger.
 

Will

Quizmaster General
SWRP Writer
Joined
Sep 15, 2006
Messages
8,586
Reaction score
1
How was he on the Jedi council at age 7? That makes no sense.
 

Matt

London Calling.
SWRP Writer
Joined
Nov 27, 2005
Messages
26,916
Reaction score
10
I assume he means he got a master.....
 

Jet

SWRP Writer
Joined
Nov 15, 2008
Messages
37
Reaction score
0
ah sry ja jedi order, love the starwars film but not much of info yet so i will mess up some stuff :) will change it
 
Top