Not Happy

[Lilith (8th TL)]

At first Cait stayed in place as he backed away; it was as she worried, he couldn't handle it. She didn't allow herself to have an expression in the beginning, staring at him with her cold, yellow eyes. Then he asked her to stop and a mix of emotions hit her like a truck. First, anger, second, sadness, third, frustration.

He had seen how much her doubt hurt her, hunted her, haunted her, brought her to the brink. Yet here he was trying to instill it back into her again. Nevertheless, her eyes slowly faded back to their green as the Dark Side dissipated around her. She was upset at him for willingly sending her back into pain, but she also couldn't just say no to him. There was a time where she promised she'd give up the galaxy for him.

Even though it was all muddled up, the strongest emotion was pain, hurt, and she started to walk towards him but went right past him. Without a single word, she went to the front door and out. She wasn't leaving him, or saying no, she was removing herself from an upsetting situation.

Cait went to a railing on the deck and grabbed it, leaning forward and looking out. She didn't know what to say, or what she wanted outside of not being forced back into the dark abyss of guilt and pain, even though she was already set on that path.

 

[Gillian Rel]

He thought he could handle what she was going through, assumed the magic of the Force was not as complex as it really was. He had no way of wrapping his mind around it. She had warned him on their first night together that she was a monster, he told her that was fine but it wasn't, he would have never stayed if had seen what he had just seen then.

When the room calmed again, he saw her anger towards him. She had shown herself, or whatever it was to him, he had asked for it. He had determined he would follow her to the ends of the Galaxy, but he had no way of following her there, no desire to.

He wanted to go after her, but couldn't. He had no idea what he would say. There was nothing he could say. He had let her down, he wasn't strong enough, wasn't brave enough to handle the path she wanted to travel.

He didn't know what to do, but this house and its lingering energy made him uncomfortable. He needed to get out. He wondered out into the night air, the full moon and stars made lighting unnecessary.

He walked down the path, too ashamed to look back towards the house and see her on the balcony. He made his way to his ship. He didn't intend to leave, but part of thought it might be easier for her if he did. She had seen her deepest desires at that moment, it wasn't him, it wasn't the exchange, it was something else.

He climbed on top of his ship, sitting towards the front on the roof. He pulled his knees towards him. He felt like the coward he had been on Corellia as a boy. He looked up at the stars. You could never see the stars on Nar Shaddaa and he never took the time to notice them in space.

 

[Lilith (8th TL)]

For a good amount of time she stayed on the deck, just staring out. Allowing the wind to kiss her cheeks and give them color. Breathing it into her lungs and letting it cool her. She wasn't entirely sure what to do about the situation, or able to pin point every emotion she felt. But hours of standing outside on the deck, in the quiet of night allowed her to slowly, very slowly, calm down again.

She didn't appreciate what he had done still, though what she knew deep in her heart was she needed to go to him. Leaving was not an option for her, not now. Cait knew where he was. The ship wasn't too far away and she could see him on top of it.

Sighing, she walked out towards the ship. Standing at the bottom for a handful of heartbeats, staring up. It took her some time but she climbed up to the top to see him. She didn't know how he'd react, but if he stayed in spot she'd sit by him. She'd stare at him without speaking at first, until leaning forward and hugging him if he didn't pull back.

"I don't really know what to say," she admitted. "I don't know how to solve this. But, I do know that I want to be near you... with you. Is... is that okay?"

 

[Gillian Rel]

An hour past, Gil sat atop his ship, contemplating if he should go or not. He wasn't sure he could stand to be the focal point of such conflict in her. Should he not let her go? That's what she wanted, deep down.

He heard quiet footsteps come down the path, and then up the ladder. He didn't move, didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. He felt like there was nothing he could do to make this right.

She sat in front of him, he looked down at his own feet for some time before finally looking up at her. The moonlight danced in her red hair. She leaned forward, and he froze instinctively for a second before tentatively wrapping his arms around her.

"You don't have to explain anything to me." he said, having to look away but nodding when she asked to stay, "You told me what you were our first night together. I was a fool to not believe you." he said, feeling cold as the wind blew against them. "Is that what you really want?" he asked referring to what he had been exposed to back there. He knew the answer, he had seen it for himself, felt it for himself.

He didn't know what that left him but he was afraid to ask the question out loud.

 

[Lilith (8th TL)]

"No," she answered simply. "It's not what I want at all, but I don't know what to do otherwise." She shifted in his arms to look away, into the distance. What she wanted was to grow the business and be protected from the superpowers, not to throwaway who she really was.

"Unless you think we should runaway," she laughed. "Runaway from it all." She doubted it, but she was feeling down enough to consider it.

And the longer she was in his arms, the more she considered it. Though another thought struck her; something she hadn't considered before but was a painfully obvious option. It was a real idea that would stop her inner conflict, right then and there. She wondered if that was the real answer, but she wouldn't admit the words to herself for now; she'd consider it quietly in his arms and try to enjoy the closeness.

 

[Gillian Rel]

He took in long, slow breaths. He wanted to believe her, wanted with every single strand of his being to believe she didn't crave the power she had shown him back in the house.

It was easier now, in the perfectly quiet night, to see that as a possibility. She felt small in his arms, fragile even. He knew it was all a facade, just beneath the surface was something powerful, something terrifying.

She mentioned running away he noticeably stiffened. He would, he could find his own work rebuild something from scratch. She laughed, of course, she wasn't serious, maybe he wasn't serious either.

He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what the right choice for either one of them was.

"I..I'm sorry for making you experience those things again. I didn't know...I would have never..." he said trailing off, pulling her closer. "If I had known it was going to cause you pain.."

 

[Lilith (8th TL)]

Cait listened to Gil, pushing herself away from him and up so she could look into his eyes. The option she thought of earlier was swirling around in her mind even as she stared at him. It hadn't stopped since she thought of it, and it was very, very tempting. Overwhelmingly so with how down she felt, and how down she had been feeling since returning. Why she had never thought of it before was beyond her. It really did solve all of her issues.

Breathing in a shallow breath, she reached up to his face to run her hand on his cheek. In a gentle way, as if to non-verbally say what she was about to say, "It's okay." The memories weren't okay, but him being curious about them was. She'd offered and tempted him, all he'd done was accept the offer. "You did nothing wrong. You didn't know any better and I offered it."

Cait leaned in for one more kiss, a soft one before breathing and leaning back. "Gil, I want you to consider taking over The Exchange." She laughed softly. "I know this sounds sudden, but your name on the company might be the best option, should any of the major factions find out about my connections." That wasn't the full truth of it. This was the best way she could think of to word it, "Anyway, your name is written into the papers, so the company is yours if something ever happens to me in battle."

Standing up, Cait looked up at the stars to take in their beauty, just as Gil had been doing. She should've been doing that earlier but her mind had been so foggy. "I think it's time for me to go to bed." Cait tipped her head and smiled at Gil to comfort him, before saying simply, "Good night" and walking away, down the ladder and to the house.

 

[Gillian Rel]

​

She kissed him briefly before pulling back away. Her next words caused him the laugh, and not quietly. That was a royally terrible idea. Things had gone to shit while Cait was away, and now she expected him to consider running all of it.

No. He wouldn't do it. This was her creation, she deserved to be at the head of it. There had to be an answer, he wanted there to be an answer at least. He sat stunned she would even mention that to him. He was a glorified thug that had earned enough credits to buy nice clothes, that was it.

He was going to argue, but she said she wanted to go to bed. He wanted her to stay, but maybe it was for the best. They both had thinking to do. He reached out and touched her arm, dragging his fingers across the smooth skin of her forearm, hand, and then fingers before she moved out of his reach. "Goodnight." he said quietly

He sighed as she walked away, he watched her leave until he was alone. He turned back to the stars. The bed on his ship sucked anyway. He took off he jacket and rolled into a makeshift pillow. He slowly let himself lay back, taking in the night sky above. He let himself be drawn away by it. For tonight, he surrounded the worries he had about the Cait, about the company, about himself. They would be there tomorrow he was sure. As his mind drifted further and further his eyes closed, seeing the night sky in his dreams.​

 

[Lilith (8th TL)]

As she got into the house, Cait decided to go straight to her office. That was where she left her lightsaber, or rather, the Darth's lightsaber. It really wasn't hers. She went to where she had placed it and grabbed it. It was cold and not just because no one had touched it in awhile.

The second step was getting herself some alcohol. Whisky. That had always been her go to. And she hadn't had it in so long. How had she let that happen? Before this all started, she'd practically been an alcoholic. Guess it made sense though, she thought, an alcoholic turned workoholic. Time to change that.

Cait went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass and a bottle of whisky. With that she went back to her office and poured herself a drink. There were so many options and thoughts spinning around in her mind. Was taking her own life really the best option? It ended her inner conflict and the threat of the mandalorian's, and someone who was non-FS taking The Exchange's reigns would possibly open up more doors.

She tapped the lightsaber on her desk a few times, staring at it blankly. Was she crazy to consider this? No, it all made sense. No more conflict with the Dark Side, or lure to the power. Would she become a Dark Side ghost though? No, she wasn't powerful enough.

Picking up her drink, she took a long sip. With her other hand she aimed the lightsaber at herself, placing a finger on the trigger. She'd wait for the alcohol to kick in before making her final choice on the matter. She'd never thought of this option before, and she supposed there was a lot to consider.

 

[Gillian Rel]

He wasn't sure how long he had been asleep, maybe an hour? maybe less? A cold breeze had awakened him. He rolled over to go back to sleep but decided he would go check on Cait.

He groaned as he stood, cracking his back as he stood. He climbed down the later, noticing how cold it had gotten since he had fallen asleep. With each exhale, he saw his breath in the air.

He made his way up the path to the house. He noticed all the lights were on but didn't really think anything of it. Cait had spent her last years living in the Lusty Lekku. It was loud, it was bright, and he was sure the woman could sleep just about anywhere.

He stepped inside, eyes sensitive to light. He blinked away the stars in his eyes, seeing her silhouette behind the desk in her office. "Cait?" he asked quietly, stepping forward.

Three steps further and his brain pieced together the scene. "Cait?! What are you doing?!" he said taking a step in the doorway, trying not to get close and spook her. "Put it down, Cait." he said in a pleading tone "...Please."

 

[Lilith (8th TL)]

Gil's voice forced her head to snap up, and seeing him in the doorway suddenly sent a shock wave of embarrassment through her. Cait turned the saber away from her, placing it on her desk but not out of her reach. All Gil saw was the scene, she thought, not what she had planned. Yeah, that somehow made things better, right?

"Gil," she said biting her bottom lip, nervously this time instead of habitually when she was lost in thought. "I... I was just having something to drink." Yes, it was a lie. A big one. Cait felt terrible for lying to him but it just came out; it was the first time she ever lied to him, that she could recall. But if she straight up admitted what she was thinking of doing, it'd make her feel even more weak than she already did. Even though she was aware that he had already assumed it.

Chewing her bottom lip a bit more for a second, she added, "Did you want to have one with me?" She looked over to a nearby shelf, wrapping the Force around a glass and bringing it to the desk. Filling it quickly then topping off her own drink. Cait quickly grabbed her drink and downed pretty much half of it.

 

[Gillian Rel]

His heart slammed in his chest. His stare locked with hers. "Sure." he said evenly. His eyes went down to the lightsaber on the desk.

"Cait, I think I should take the sword." he said taking a step forward, he was close, a few feet away. "Then we can have that drink, okay?" he said, keeping his voice calm.

His muscles tensed, he was ready to jump for it he had to. All he could hear was the rushing of blood in his ears, his skin hot, adrenaline surging through his body. He watched carefully as he took another step "I am just gonna grab it." he said before reaching out for it.

 

[Lilith (8th TL)]

"You're being ridiculous!" she said, trying not to shout. Obviously he didn't buy it, but that didn't mean shit. Cait wasn't going to give up the act if she could help it. Her stubbornness kicked in full gear, even while she was feeling so lost in it all and helpless to her emotions.

Reaching forward she grabbed the hilt, if he ran for it he ran for it, but she'd try to get it before him. What was he going to do anyway? Struggle with her over it if she got it first?

She'd pull it closer to her if she got it, but speak instead of acting further, "You can have it for now, but it isn't leaving this room!" she said, finally feeling a kick from the alcohol. She needed more. Her other hand was still wrapped around her drink, thankfully. She brought it to her lips and downed the other half. It was probably a bad idea to drink so much in such a short time, but she wasn't entirely against the idea of drinking herself to death at this point.

 

[Gillian Rel]

"Probably.." he said in an even tone. He took another step forward, now directly on the other side of the desk.

"Deal" he said reaching for the lightsaber in her hand. "Maybe we have had enough to drink as well.." he said. He would reach for the bottle next. He wouldn't struggle with her, but he would be pretty adamant about getting it away from her.

"You want to talk?" he asked quietly

 

[Lilith (8th TL)]

Cait let go of the lightsaber so Gil could take it, though she was pretty sure she could get it back from him at any point. He'd be hard pressed to stop her anyway. That wasn't the plan, of course, but it was a thought that passed through her mind.

But when he went for her bottle that was the last straw. Cait glared at him and grabbed the bottle with both hands, bringing it tightly against her chest. "What do you think you're doing?!" she said, slurring her words somewhat. "Now that is too far." Cait looked down at his glass and slid it closer to him using the Force.

"If... yer going to come in here and think you're going to take everything away from me, you best sit down instead." Cait nodded at the chair near him. Though hearing his question snapped her out of her stubborn anger a little bit, causing her to frown. Her eyes drifting away from him as she just muttered, "This is just easier... it... I mean... drinking," she paused, okay drinking wasn't the correct word but she'd go with it, "solves everything. The inner conflict. The intense emotions. All of it done with."

 

[Gillian Rel]

Gil put the hilt on the floor on the other side of the desk. When he reached for the bottle, Cait became even more agitated.

"Alright" he said holding out his hands to the side, giving up on the bottle for the moment. He slowly lowered himself down into the chair. He picked up the glass. "Thank you." he spoke quietly. At least any alcohol he had meant it was some she didn't have. The woman was obviously drunk.

He had seen Cait drunk a good number of times, she was never like this. He listened as she slurred through several sentences. "I don't think....drinking....solves any of those things..." he said looking up at her. "But drinking isn't what you were contemplating in here, was it?" he continued his voice as calm as it could be but had an audible quiver to it.

"That" he said looking down at his feet where the lightsaber hilt was "Doesn't solve anything either. It just makes it so you don't have to deal with them, but it leaves others having to pick up the pieces." he said

"I don't think you want that." he said meeting her eyes

 

[Lilith (8th TL)]

Cait listened to him, though she looked away the whole time in some sort of attempt to not let him see her expression. Clearly it didn't work that way but her drunk brain told her it might somehow. There was a frown on her face that was slowly softening. She didn't like that he wasn't buying her act, so she decided to fix that by drinking more. That's how you fixed everything.

Pulling her glass close she topped it off, almost to the point it spilled. She placed her bottle down and went to grab her glass, but stopped mid way looking up to give Gil a glare. She brought her hand back to push the bottle closer to the edge of the desk, away from him before grabbing her glass and taking a much too big glup.

"You forget," she said, swirling around the liquid in the glass. "I'm a businesswoman... I can make sure there's not many pieces to pick up." Cait looked down. "And make it beneficial to everyone." Maybe she couldn't 'make' it beneficial but she knew it was more than likely beneficial to everyone.

After she said that all out loud she felt a little more embarrassed about it. Why was she putting Gil through this? Using her desk she pushed herself up— with a little bit of trouble. Once she manged to get up she turned away from Gil and went to one of her shelves. Just staring into it, she breathed after, "I'm sorry."

 

[Gillian Rel]

She wasn't making a whole lot of sense. Who knows how much or long she had been drinking. He had no frame of reference when it came to handling this.

So he sat, and he listened. He shifted forward when she stood up, trying to ready himself for whatever she was going to do. "You don't have to apologize for anything." he said.

"Cait, let me take you home." he was referring to her actual home, far away from whatever bullshit was messing with her mind in this part of the galaxy. "I can take care of you there." he said leaning forward, hands on her desk. "We can work through whatever this is."

He had no idea what she was capable of. Well, that wasn't exactly true. He had witnessed for himself her darkest potential earlier. It terrified him, this terrified him.

 

[Lilith (8th TL)]

Cait heard his pleas as she leaned against the shelf, staring into it blankly. He was offering to help her, take care of her. What had she done to deserve someone who'd stick with her even in her darkest, most desperate hour? She didn't believe she'd done anything, or deserved it but... she'd take it. The Force must be telling her that the path she almost took was not the right one.

She felt her knees grow weak and shake. Her eyes grew heavy from the insane amount of alcohol she'd drank in such a short amount of time. She slid down the shelf to the ground, and for the first time since she was a young child, she brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

It was then that Cait nodded, "Okay," she said barely able to muster the word, though wanting to. "Please... please take me home." Cait buried her face into her knees, and despite him saying that she didn't need to apologize she did again anyway, "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry Gil." A few seconds later she drifted off to sleep, unmoving from the position she had put herself in. She left herself to Gil's charge.

 

[Gillian Rel]

She slid on the ground, her speech growing more and more slurred until she finally collapsed into unconsciousness. He put his head on the desk for a moment, letting out a long breath. He shook with stress for a moment. No. He forced himself up. He didn't have time to be weak.

He ran his fingers through his hair, pushing it from his face. He moved to Cait. She seemed so small, so helpless. He bent over and picked her up, one arm under legs and arm under he back. He slowly made his way out to his own ship, and gently laid her on the bed in his quarters. He pulled the covers over her before sitting on the side of the bed. He gently brushed the hair from her face before leaning over and kissing her forehead.

He then went about gathering some of her things. He wanted to throw the stupid lightsaber in a lake or something, but he held on to it, locking it away in a security box. They could arrange to come get her ship another time. For now, he just wanted to get away from this place. He wasn't sure why he thought that would help, but it felt right, or atleast the most right thing he could think of.

With things gathered they left the planet, he set the hyperdrive coordinates. A couple of hours had passed when he looked in on Cait, still sound asleep. He moved to the hallway, slid down the cold, metallic wall. What was he going to do? There was no one to ask. It was him. He felt alone.

He leaned his head back against the wall and let sublte rumbling of the ship lull him to sleep.