Something I whipped up one time between classes..

[Psycho]

Your soft lips have curled back in an ugly eternal grin.
The worms crawl through your cheeks where freckles should have been.
The warmth of your touch is long since cold.
And the remains of your clothes tatter at each fold.

Your hair has kept growing and nails as well.
I'm left to wonder if you're in heaven or hell.
Your eyes are still green only because of the color of rot.
I will still remember them after everyone else has forgot.

I'll dream of running my fingers through your downy locks,
while in truth you're in the ground in a box.

 

[Horizon]

Nice work there.

 

[Psycho]

Thanks! :)

 

[Saint]

Fan of Poe?

:D

 

[Psycho]

yes but poe's not the only poet to write dark.. i had inspiration from experience though...

 

[Ols]

It's very literal, which is the major criticism I'd make.

 

[Psycho]

-shrugs- i made it that way.. my friend commited suicide so yeah thats whats happening to him. I just wanted people to see what I do.

 

[Ols]

-shrugs- i made it that way.. my friend commited suicide so yeah thats whats happening to him. I just wanted people to see what I do.

Don't get me wrong, it's definitely good, and there's some interesting subtleties in there (the end-stopping of every line to add the pause, the differentiation of "I will" and "I'll", as "will" is juxtaposed with "still", and "I'll" is mirrored by "while" in the following line), it's just very much "telling by telling" ("this is happening. And this. And this"), rather than "telling by showing".

 

[Psycho]

Yeah I see what you mean. Thank you. I probably should have spent more than ten minutes on it, Ijust needed it out on paper.. I guess what it is, is that I was really making it to him..

 

[Ols]

Yeah I see what you mean. Thank you. I probably should have spent more than ten minutes on it, Ijust needed it out on paper.. I guess what it is, is that I was really making it to him..

Any writer will always be at their best when writing about things that either are true to life, or relate closely to their lives, because it is a form of expression.

And btw I'm not saying you should have anything, poetry is purely subjective after all.

 

[Psycho]

I have been writing poetry for a long time and I don't think I've ever changed a poem after I put it down.