Ask Yavin IV Tread Carefully

[Crix Aran]

Crix landed his ship in the hanger bay of the Temple without really thinking about it, his movements almost as mechanical as those of Red Lancer his pilot droid itself. Rising from the seat and marching through his ship, Crix's movements didn't relax at all even as he stalked toward the Temple interior. Some of the local guards and hanger-hands eyed him and there was more than one aborted attempt to speak to him - ended when they saw the positively thunderous expression upon his face.

He had calmed down since he had heard about The Eternal... but that still wasn't calm by any stretch of the imagination. Crix was doing his best to use the Force to calm himself but the emotions were still there and their source had not been resolved.

So the emotions just came back again and again.

Striding through the hallways of the Temple, he ignored all calls of familiar guards or Jedi as he reached the offices of the Grandmaster. Opening the doors without so much as a word, he stormed into Alex's office before closing the doors behind him and locking them. She had nothing to fear from him but he didn't want to give anything more of a spectacle than he already had.

He took a deep breath and did his best to control himself even as the emotions roiled inside of himself again.

"Alex." he greeted the Grandmaster before scowling, "Explain. What happened when I was sent away?"

There were other questions to ask... but he needed to remain calm, controlled.

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Alex was waiting. The tension in Crix’s voice from the holorecording was unmistakable. She’d missed the message while desperately trying for a few moments of rest. The Morellian Jedi did not call back. She could feel the Knight racing back towards Yavin. His presence flashed in her mind when Crix arrived. He managed to find the worst of his boiling from spilling into the Temple, but Alex was no ordinary Jedi. She knew Crix and barely controlled emotion rang against her senses in the Force.

So, she sat at her desk waiting for him. She often forgot just how young he was. It was an easy thing to forget when he took responsibility without blinking and had been forced through so much in his young life. Not for the first time, she wondered when he had spoken with his mother last. Alex took a deep breath and carefully locked her mind. She would never allow her own conflict to poison another. Her responsibilities to the Order rose about whatever personal feelings warred within. She was concerned the young Jedi felt this deeply about what happened.

That was how Crix would find her. Sitting calmly behind her desk as he stormed in and closed the door. In that moment, Alex could see clearly just how tightly he was trying to hold on. The scowl and informality spoke volumes when tied with his outpouring in the Force. She stayed seated for the moment. She met his eyes and spoke the truth.

“I’ve met the girl before, on Byblos. I thought I could save her then…I was wrong…I thought I could save her this time…and I was wrong again.” Twice Manat had escaped her grasp. “I tried to severe the bond between Manat and the Mask, but I failed. Instead, she poured Lightning into my chest and tried to race off the ship.” Her words were unmistakably true. All Crix had to do was look in the Force. “I could not save the woman, but the Mask is gone. No one will wear it again. The Eternal is dead.” Alex stood slowly and walked to sit on the edge of the desk.

“Now I’m going to need you to explain to me why it feels like you’re on the edge of a cliff…waiting for someone to push you over.” She voice was soft but firm. As ever, she did not judge, she did not condemn…she only waited.

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

Seeing Alex sat behind her desk looking so calm and controlled did wonders to both fray and assist his own turbulent sense of control. Was it strange that one thing could have two different results? Perhaps it was but he didn’t comment on it. Instead he just stood as she explained herself, as she spoke more about how the Eternal was the woman she was.

About how Alex had been unable to stop her from escaping to do worse on multiple occasions and all that had been accomplished. He didn’t mean to make it sound less in his own mind even – he knew that destroying the Mask of the Eternal was a victory.

Why did it taste like ashes?

“We let them go again and again…”

A certain Kel Dor Sith came to mind.

“And they just come back to bite us. How many times do we have to kark up before the lesson sticks?” he muttered, half to himself and half to Alex before he balled his fists tightly, “We’ve been fighting a war with sticks while they’re using blasters – even when we win, we just push our problem down the line.”

She asked about him, specifically. Why he was taking this whole thing more seriously than the rest of the Order seemed to and why it was doing so much to his mental state. Letting out a slow breath, he tried to find his calm.

“The Eternal tortured my mother until her mind broke. And I found out by the holonet I’ve gone on Coffee Dates with her. I think I’ve handled things pretty well, all things considered…”

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Manat, Asminys, Draugr…the names ticked off in her mind. All Sith Lords captured by the Jedi, all Sith Lords free from the Jedi. There were countless other rank and file Sith who belonged on that list. She understood that look on Crix’s face. When victory felt like a loss. The Mask was gone but the wielder walked free. Yavin was safe…but she felt failure in her gut. Alex understood. Her roles in the Order may have changed but her approach remained the same. She was honest…always. She taught through her experiences so that others might learn from her mistakes. This time would be no different. Although Alex kept her mind locked and her presence a calming ocean. It would not help Crix to know the depth of her conflict.

So, she listened while preparing to speak. The last words hitting like hammer blow. Her composure remained even as Crix struggled. Coffee Dates? She had known what the Sith did to Trys. The personal relationship came as a shock. Sith manipulation running deeper than she could have ever surmised. She breathed easily to slow her heart. One step at a time Alex. “We sacrifice ourselves for a galaxy that does not love us…only to face those same foes.” She looked down at her hand and then up. “We feel the loss of our brothers and sisters while Sith run free from our grasp.” Alex’s voice was soft but clear. “They can’t run from death.” She paused. Always honest. Always open. “I understand what you feel, Crix. I want the same thing. No more prisons, no more jailors, no more second chances.” Her soul hummed in the Force as she spoke. “But we are Jedi and taking lives when they could be saved serves only the Darkside. It hurts…my heart aches…this our life…one of sacrifice.” She felt each Jedi who gave their lives. Those souls who joined the Force. A needle in her back.

“If we change, how many will we lose to hate in their heart? The Darkside needs only a sliver. If Sevrin had let you strike that Kel Dor down, would you have done it with clarity of mind? Or anger?” Alex already knew the truth. Some, like Sevrin, took lives when necessary but never in rage. That was what Alex sough to avoid. Jedi giving in to their worst nature. “You’re right, we can’t continue to fight the war like this, and I don’t intend to. We are untying the hand from behind our back…but…I won’t let us become what we seek to stop.” Privately, Alex had made her choice. When faced with the Lords of the Sith, there would be no second chances from the Grandmaster. She could maintain control.

“Sit, tell me about her.” Crix remained a storm in the Force. One she would hear out. She needed the full story.

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

He would have killed him.

Had Sevrin not stopped him, Crix could be honest enough with himself and with Alex to accept that he would have sought to kill his opponent and move to do the same to The Eternal. He wanted to cut them both down in the moment, in his anger and in defence of his home. There were two sides of it – true – but one side being selfless didn’t mean that the other wasn’t selfish.

“I wanted to kill him and her… and The Eternal.” He admitted to Alex with a grimace, “Only half because it would mean they stopped being a threat to my home. Half… half out of anger both personal and not.”

The Mask had done a number on his already weakened control of his own emotions but he couldn’t honestly stand there and tell Alex that he had been ‘Influenced to do it’. All it had done was make an existing problem worse.

Letting out a small breath, Crix sat down opposite Alex. The anger and the fire that had been pushing him to explosive action was beginning to cool, to run out, and it left his left hand shaking. Or was that the PTSD again? He didn’t care to perform the mental examination to find out, instead squeezing his left hand shut into a tight fist to stop the shakes.

“I’ll tell the Temple Defence Force the change in standard operating procedures when it comes to Sith attackers.”

Not that their little Piggie had restrained themselves from killing overly much but the droid and human elements had hesitated a bit at first. He would have to make sure that hesitation didn’t happen anymore.

He was avoiding her question but he let out another breath and tried his best to keep himself under control as he spoke.

“We met on Coruscant… just two civilians caught up in gang violence. I asked her out for coffee and she agreed. We…” he ran a hand over his face, “We talked on and off for… fuck it’s been years now… meeting up for coffee regularly. I attended some of her guest lectures at university. She’s…”

What he had come to know of her warred with what he now knew to be true about her.

“Passionate, driven, oddly reserved at times and with a sense of humour. And… and none of that is untrue now even though she’s also a mass murderer and part of a regime that wants me and everyone I’ve ever cared about either passively enslaved or dead. And that? That might be the worst of it.” He told her quietly, looking down at the desk, “That the parts of her that I thought of as a friend…? They’re not fake. That she could be all of those things and yet so much more – so much worse. How am I meant to reconcile those two?”

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Alex sat in silence. There were times for wise words and times for silence. This was a time for silence. She could feel the emotions boiling in Crix. Not for the first time, Alex’s concern for the young Jedi churned. His talents were growing and eventually his responsibilities would change. She could not risk Crix losing control. He was young…and she needed to remember that. They were not all blessed with the wisdom years gave. Alex had been reckless and stupid at his age. “You can’t.” Her words were equally soft. “The Darkside does not magically make monsters.” This hardest lesson for many of them.

“There is real pure evil in some of them. Sith born to lap corruption like water. Others…it is more complicated.” The Force floated out to tip Crix’s head up so she could meet his eyes. “We know the Darkside corrupts absolutly and without discrimination. We know what she has become but she was not always that way. The woman you knew was real and pieces of her may still exist. The Darkside slowly takes away who you are. They become masters at hiding that cost…until they can hide it no longer.” Alex shook her head slowly. “Do not blame yourself. How could you have known? I sat inches from her and did not see the terror within.” She sighed.

“We fight a force that is unnatural and evil…but the people who wield are not always so.” Alex’s face scrunched as she spoke. “I have no easy answer for you other than mourn the girl that the Eternal took…for she is gone…and understand we fight to save others from that same fate…but we cannot save her.” She leaned slightly forward. “I’m angry too. I’m hurt. We both must let it go or we will suffer that same fate.” She left unsaid the obvious. He could not see her again. Alex would not forbid it. To do so would be an insult but Manat was as good as dead.

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

It was a simple answer that he had come to on his own as well.

A simple answer but one that he hoped he was wrong about, an answer he had hoped that someone older and wiser than him would be able to replace with something much more profound. He felt a deep need to have an answer that was more than what he had initially feared because he didn't want it to be the answer. Was it selfish of him? That had had wanted her to automatically be nothing but pure evil and a liar just because it would have been easier? Absolutely.

Didn't matter in the end because it wasn't the case... and they all knew it.

"Yeah... felt like that would be too easy."

He let himself be physically manipulated by the Force because he was downcast enough that he didn't think he'd be able to look her in the eyes otherwise.

"I know..." he groaned as he shook his head, "I know, logically, that I can't be held responsible for not seeing what she was. What she is. I just... I still can't help but feel like I should have known. The creature that went so incredibly far to ruin my life and the lives of millions of others and I can't see that on dozens of coffee dates?"

It was a frustration more real than any other emotion he was feeling currently and it made him want to scream. Made him want to just rage about the whole damned thing. Still, he knew that he shouldn't. That he should use this as something to help him grow and move on but he just didn't know how he could.

He swallowed thickly at a lump that formed in his throat at what Alex had said. Looking at her with pleading eyes, pleading for her to understand, he shook his head slowly.

"I don't want to save her, Master." he whispered weakly, "All I want right now? Is to wrap my hands around her throat and squeeze. I want to kill her because of what she is with so much... so much of myself that... that I'm scared, Master. It would defend billions of lives to kill her, to kill The Eternal, and all I keep thinking is that I just... want to do it. And I know that I shouldn't."

Swallowing was getting harder as his throat seized.

"How... how do I get past that? How do I get past wanting to murder someone like that, Master?"

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

“Oh, Crix.” Her mind extended outward. Expanding around the office to build a shell around the Jedi. Whatever the young Jedi felt would remain in this office. Was she making mistakes of the past? She did not think so…but then…she doubted you ever knew in the moment. For now, this stayed with them. “If I could walk this path for you…I would. If I could fix this with a snap of my fingers…I would.” Alex’s voice carried the weight of her words between them. “But there is no easy way out. No magic words I can say. The Force does not whisk away our pain.” This was the struggle of being a Jedi. The Lightside did not suddenly make one a good person. It did not take away the struggles of reality…it made you face them and work through them.

“That anger is real and dangerous.” She raised a hand. “You know I pass no judgment.” Alex took a deep breath and unveiled memories of Taris. She let them float to Caris’ mind. Her hate of Stolas…her desperation fighting the unknown Sith. Her ache to kill them both for no better reason than she wanted them dead. “I have been where you sit now.” It was a feeling she knew too well. “You can’t push those feelings down. You can’t pretend they don’t exist. That will only cause them to grow. You must face these desire head on.” Now Alex leaned forward, her eyes bright.

“Why her? Of all the Sith, why is she the one who makes you feel this way?” Alex had her own explanation for Stolas. She’d conquered that burning pit. Now, he was gone. As dead as the man, he took from her. She trusted Crix could walk the path she had. To find Light from his inner darkness.

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

He could feel it as Alex reached out with the Force and wrapped the two of them in a bubble and despite it giving him a slight sense of being hemmed in... he appreciated it. It felt somewhat like a hug from some overbearing but well-meaning aunt or something. Still, it was very much appreciated and Alex would be able to see how his shoulders sagged as if finally he was allowed to stop holding up some kind of weight.

His emotions didn't get more pronounced or anything as dramatic as that but he felt more comfortable in feeling them as freely as he needed to.

"Be a lot cooler if it did..." he joked, swallowing thickly and giving a half-grimace of a smile, "Sorry. Being flippant is something I get from Hans. Got from him I mean."

Hans was gone after all.

"Trouble is I don't want to push them away right now and that's why I'm kind of just swimming in them right now. Drowning in anger is... well fuck, Alex, its not fun."

The flippant nature was coming out even as he tried to hold it back and stop using it as the reflexive shield that it often was to showing and sharing his feelings. Running a hand over the spikes atop his head, Crix thought about her, thought about the woman he went on coffee dates with and the woman revealed to be the monster in his nightmares.

No jokes this time.

"Because The Eternal is the face of every nightmare I've had since my mom was taken." he admitted quietly, staring into the middle distance, "That mask and that monster? Were everything I hated about the Sith and everything I swore to myself that I would cut down if it was the last thing I did. And then, to find out that she was that monster?"

He swallowed thickly.

"I don't know what that's going to do to me when I figure out if it was here under the mask at that time."

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Alex silently prayed for the right words. What could she say to help Crix make sense of the mess? He was one of the few who knew her as more than just Grandmaster and that made this all the more difficult. It did not really matter what she said. This was a battle Crix had to win in his own heart. She could support him with ever ounce of her soul but in the end, only he could find the answer. “Yes…I wouldn’t know anyone who jokes when faced with death or worse…” A coping mechanism they both shared. She ran a hand through her hair.

“I don’t know if it was her…but I don’t think it was.” Alex sought those memories from Byblos. “She felt different after Yavin. Different than what I felt on Byblos and after.” What was she trying to say? “Our understanding of the Mask is limited, and we lack knowledge of the Sith’s inner workings. But I am certain Andruil killed whoever wore that Mask when she claimed the throne. It is their way.” That was the person who had tortured his mother. That was the person who had broken the mind of a legend.

“I should tell you not to seek those answers. I should tell you to let you anger go. We both know those instructions would be ignored.” She knew Crix. He would hunt for this answer no matter what she said. Frankly, he deserved the truth. “So, I will ask this instead. If you go searching for an answer, I’m coming with you. You will not do this alone.” It was not an order. It was an offer. “And you’ll speak with one of the Justiciars about your heart.” She raised a hand. “They will not judge, and they will not run to me to tattle. They will keep your confidence.” Alex herself trusted the Justiciars as counselors to the point of using them herself.

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

Joking in the face of death was one thing because, well, death was part of life. It was part of being a Jedi and in the right way it was something to be embraced - the Sith might have done their level best to avoid death by unnaturally extending their lives but the Jedi had never done the same. Mostly Jedi lived long lives because their species could do so and they had excellent methods of healing and handling stress. And if they didn't live to the extent of their species' lifecycle then it was because they'd met a violent end.

Either way - it was to be embraced but not typically quite so flippantly. Still, he gave her a small smile for her words on the matter. They weren't so different when it came to their approaches to combat and the like he'd found. One of the benefits of knowing her as a person rather than a title.

"It is The Way." he muttered with a shake of his head, "I... I hope that it wasn't her under the mask and I understand the logic as to why it wouldn't have been. But there's no certainty in me right now, you know?"

Still... he wanted to believe that the person who had tortured his mother was dead, even if a part of him felt a spark of annoyance that he hadn't been the one to strike the blow. He could live with knowing that they were gone and never coming back. Crix smiled a little bit before reaching out with one of his hand to take one of Alex's. It felt more honest to be speaking to her openly when he was touching her, more like he was allowing a physical connection as well as an emotional one.

"You're right Alex - I need to know. I'm going to meet her one last time in peace and ask her." he told her, resolved, with a deep breath, "You'd come with, I know that, but I don't want that. Gotta be able to face down my demons alone when the shit hits the fan and all that... if we're right and she didn't do it? Guess I'll see her another day on another battlefield."

But if they were wrong, if their hopes and reasoning was wrong? He didn't have to say it because they both knew it. If she had been the one to harm his mother, Crix would make sure only one of them walked away and they both knew what it would do to him.

He gave her hand a squeeze.

"I'll be back, boss."

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

She squeezed his hand. Crix had a mother, a damn good one, but she had fondness for the young Jedi. She would never take that place. She would be here for him. “Tell someone where you’re going and when you’re meeting her.” Alex wanted to forbid it. She knew she could not. Crix would go no matter what she ordered. He needed this and the Force would see him through. “Then you find me…understood? The moment you come back.” She remained confident Manat was not the beast who tortured Trys…she could not be certain. There would be no coming back from what might happen if the latter were true.

“Good luck. May the Force be with you.” She let go of his hand and stepped back. “I will be with you even if you can’t see me.” Alex would not watch Crix walk this path alone. She was here for him. In time, she prayed he understood the anger in his heart. She prayed she might be able to do the same. When faced with Manat she had been sorely tempted to end it once and for all. Alex had destroyed the Mask but allowed the Sith Lord to live. Was that a success or a failure? An infernal artifact gone forever but the wielder walking free. She did not know the answer. A different time, she would have thought the decision easy. A life saved and darkness destroyed. The lines between light and dark were growing blurry. Where was the line?

Alex was certain she had to find it but a part of her was sick of watching Jedi die while Sith escape prison. It had to end. The war would not be won by peace. That much was obvious to her now. She ahd work to do.

@Nefieslab