Ask Raxus We Always Make It Through

Jonathen Baize

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Raxus.
12th Regiment Barracks

Jon had arrived back on Raxus several hours prior. The days following the Battle of Dathormir had not been easy ones. They quickly withdrew from the planet after the witch queen was killed. They had won but at a high price. The 12th Regiment had lost over a third of its soldiers during the battle. They had all seen horrific things on that cursed planet. War was always hell, but this, this was something entirely different.

Many bunks in the barracks that had been filled a week earlier now lay empty, their bunks perfectly made. Each a reminder that someone wouldn't see their mother, father, husband, wife, brother, or sister tonight. Jon hadn't slept for more than a handful of hours since the battle.

He had sent a message to Kali as soon as he had returned. It was brief. He didn't know what to say, but it indicated he was alright and that he loved her. Those were what was important. He wasn't sure if she was even here on Raxus. Sometimes it took days for them to get back in touch with one another. He desperately needed her, but there was still work to be done, soldiers to take care of.

His regiment had been on the front lines the entire battle. He was beyond proud of their performance. They broke through every trick ever monster those witches could throw at them. They deserved everything he could give them. For now, most collapsed into their bunks.

Jon had sent his XOs away, dismissing them to visit with families and drink; however, they chose to deal with what they had gone through. He began writing letters to family members who would never see their loved ones again. They deserved to know they had fought and died bravely serving their Empire. The letters were filled with lies that threatened to break him. There was nothing heroic about the soldiers picked off by unseen arches in the mist. There was nothing heroic about the soldiers who had been crushed under tons of rubble as the cavern walls crashed around them. There was nothing heroic about being torn apart by nightmarish beasts. He would gladly bare the weight of those lies if it meant buying loved ones an ounce of comfort.

So he sat in his office, lit only by a single lamp on the desk. His hair was disheveled. eyes dark with sleeplessness, and he continued, starting another letter that would shatter another families world.

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Kalique Baize

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Kalique vividly remembered the very moment and which the emergency call came in. Jonathen had been forced to pack and leave right away and despite having been involved on missions herself, claiming she had been worried sick had been an understatement.

She had left New Alderaan the next day but as she reached Raxus, Jon and his regiment had already been gone. She had been deployed a day after and had returned from a mission yesterday, but once she had found herself in her apartment again, she had spent hours pacing, constantly pulling out her phone and datapad and had waited for any kind of a message, but she had been forced to wait much longer.

On her own mission, she had been able to focus on her duties well, but whenever she was alone, or especially at night, her worried thoughts had simply never stopped. With each new hour she had woken and checked her devices for any signs of him, but nothing ever came.

When the Imperial channels had transmitted the footage of the Dathomirian surface she had watched in blank horror, desperately trying to make out Jonathen in the masses of the soldiers, but his signature amor was nowhere to be found. She had texted Guin, even her parents, but nothing had truly distracted her from the terrible images in her mind, the images of the resurrected zombies and bodies, the avalanches, the countless soldiers falling in battle...

She had tried her best to focus on what they had talked about and had started to look for apartments, yet her mind had always wandered back to him. As the message had finally come she hadn't believed it at first, but as soon as she processed that he was fine, she had she had started off to the Barracks.

The Empire had won, yet she wasn't really feeling victorious. She hadn't been there and she didn't even know half about all the casualties and exact numbers who had let their lives and so she was simply feeling really odd. The message about the death of Knight-Captain Wunnz had already reached her by then as well and as she had worked with him rather recently, she had also been rather shocked about it. Same went for his men. She knew how close he had grown with his regiment and losing so many felt terrible, even for her, so the thought of what he was going through right now truly made her sick.

She was admitted to enter and found a lot of chaos still with plenty of empty beds, wounded everywhere and a slightly oppressive atmosphere in camp in general. Yes, this had been a win, but it came with severe costs and it would take time until everyone recovered and truly processed the fateful events.

She knew many faces of soldiers in his regiment and was fortunate enough to cross paths with one of his leading officers and the exhausted, limping man could point her into his direction. He was still in his office and as no one was in the corridor, she simply knocked to not fully burst into the room but slipped in right after, her heart picking up its pace.

She had no words for how grateful she was that he was alive, but she could see that he was in a truly bad condition. No one could blame him after what he had witnessed and she didn't even find any words as she closed the door, immediately went over and hugged him tightly, however still carefully enough to avoid squeezing too hard in case he was in pain after all. She then realized that she didn't even need any words. All they needed right know was each other's presence and she was overflowing with emotions once again now that she knew he had not only made it, but that he was also okay, given the circumstances and thus she just hugged him in silence for now, her head nestled his chest.

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Jonathen Baize

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He leaned back in his chair, blinking his eyes several times. He ran a hand through his hair as he just stared at the desk, his mind blank.

There was a knock at the door, causing him to jump slightly. His first thought was that something had gone wrong. His mind raced, body tense for what was about to come. His brain struggled to switch gears out; nothing bad was happening. Kali stood in the doorway.

She closed the door, not saying a word. He managed to push through the mental fog to stand as she rushed towards him. She went with a familiar force. The same way she had on Serenno, the same way she had on New Alderaan. It knocked him out of a spiral for the moment.

There were no words shared, but that wasn't what he needed. He let out several breaths, holding her tightly, one hand holding her head against his chest. He kissed the top of her head, before resting his head against hers.

"I'm alright." he whispered as he held her, just as much trying to convince himself as he was her.
 

Kalique Baize

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She was relieved to see him on the one hand, but oh the other, it hurt her to see him like this. She had seen the footage and while it had surely been quite shocking, having experienced all the death and destruction it had took to take down the Queen had been traumatizing for sure.

It soothes her nerves to finally see him and it felt like her inner pieces were put back together again, however she could see and feel what was going on inside him. Kalique remained in the hug for quite a moment until she pulled back to meet his gaze. He said he was alright yet everything spoke against it.

She didn't blame him for trying to appear fine, but wanted him to know it was fine. "You can't believe how glad I am to hold you again...There aren't words for this gratitude" she whispered softly as she glanced up, her emotions still almost overflowing.

"You don't have to say this...you don't have to be alright. Not right now. You don't always have to function", she quietly said. He was a soldier. So was she. She knew how it felt and how much responsibility laid on their shoulders. On the field, you always had to function, but not right now. For her, he didn't have to. He could allow to feel what he felt.

"I wish I could have been there" she whispered, still not letting him go. This time, being apart had felt terrible and she was glad it was over, yet his pain was affecting her.

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He deflated slightly with her reassuring words. The walls he had built to keep going to last few days crumbling.

He found himself burying his face in her shoulder, feeling completely drained. He almost felt like he could fall asleep there standing if given enough time. He would have disagreed if he had the energy when she wished she had been there. There had been the only good thing about that mission. He knew she was safe. He wouldn't have wished for his worst enemy to have had to see the things they saw.

There was a knock on the door, and Jon let out a groan, not lifting his head until the second knock came a few seconds later. Straightening, he forced himself to The Commander for a little bit longer, straightening his uniform and adopting an even expression bordering on a frown.

He opened the door and found a Corporal standing at the other side of the door. The young soldier saluted. "What can I do for you, Corporal." he said, returning a salute. The soldier handed him a sealed envelope. "From Command, Sir." the soldier said, standing waiting to be dismissed. "That will be all; thank you, soldier." he replied. The soldier retreated, and the door closed once again.

He gave Kali a somewhat confused look. It was odd to receive these sorts of things at this hour. Ripping the seal open, he looked at the summons. His frown deepened as he read the words on the page.

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Kalique Baize

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She noted how he didn't reply, at least not verbally. They weren't alone, not even off the property of the barracks and as he was still writing reports and whatnot, so she wasn't blaming him for not letting go right away.

They didn't need to talk, all she wanted was to be there for him and so she just gently and slowly massaged the back of his head before she pressed a kiss into his hair, her own eyes closed. She felt his pain, his exhaustion, how he was just completely drained and even traumatized and it did not only sadden, but hurt her.

She wanted to take it away and project it all onto herself, but she knew she couldn't. They remained in silence for a moment until a knock broke the tender embrace apart. She straightened up and turned around, watching the Corporal enter, drop off the letter and leave.

Jonathen was seemingly confused and so was she, however she remained right where she was, knowing classified papers weren't hers to read and that he might not even be able to share information of whatever he had just received. "Are you...okay?" it hard to even ask this question, knowing that nothing was okay, but she was dearly hoping it wasn't getting worse.

She'd wait for him to pack away the letter before she'd approach him again, wrapping her arms around him again and softly placing her head onto his chest. "I didn't want to keep you from working...I just wanted to check in...to be with you. But I'm so sorry, for everything..." she held him tighter, simply knowing that they had never been in such a dire situation before but also fully certain that they'd make it through.

"How much more do you have to do today? You can barely stand...". She was more than worried, if she was being honest to herself, and as she pulled back she still tried her best not to let anything bleed into her mimic as she didn't want to weight him down further. She just wanted to be there for him and offer whatever he needed.

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He remained silent for a moment, tired eyes having issues even processing the words on the paper. He read it over a second time, looking up when Kali spoke up. "Everything will be alright." he said, the subtle change from his earlier statement hanging in the air.

"I am getting called in to explain some of my command decisions. The hearing is in a couple of days. I have nothing to hide." he said, folding the paper back into its envelope. That much he was safe disclosing, but to go further would only put her at risk, which he would not do. He walked to his desk and placed the envelope in his desk drawer before locking it.

With the documents secure, Kali approached again. She would feel his heart pounding in his chest. As much as she said he didn't have to be ok, he continued to try to keep the walls up, but he was so tired. He wasn't sorry for their actions. They had followed the will of the Emperor and made the galaxy safer.

He looked back to piles of paperwork; there were heartfelt condolences and medal recommendations, All of which deserved his attention, but it would have to wait until tomorrow. "I have done what I can for now; I need to go back to my place, get out of here for a few hours." he said. He wasn't sure if she was only here for the moment or had other duties to attend to.

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Kalique Baize

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Jon insisted everything would be fine, but what bothered her was this slight trace of uncertainty ans subtle confusion that lingered in the air. To say she was worried was an understatement. Something was definitely wrong and she knew it.

While she knew Jonathen was 1000% loyal and would never act against any orders or do never not gave his everything for the Empire, she did really wonder why his actions were being questioned, but she offered a small nod. She knew this information wasn't for her ears and so she refrained from asking and offered him support for whatever instead.

They held each other close for another few moments while she listened to his pounding heart. She only pulled back as he moved again, softly locking eyes as she gently replied, "I'm coming with you". She wasn't on duty tonight and would have to report tomorrow afternoon, so that for now she could simply be there for him and nothing else.

She waited for him to finish up in his Office before she'd head for the door. It was already late and judging from his exhaustion, she wasn't even sure whether he'd make it back and so she was even more relieved that she could be there for him. "Are you hungry?" she was convinced he was lacking appetite after everything he'd been through, so perhaps the question was slightly rhetorical, but they both knew he needed his strength.

"Let's get you home first...I'll prepare something then" if he wanted, of course, if not she'd still respect it. What he definitely needed was rest and they wouldn't take any detours and head right for his place. The atmosphere inside the barracks was almost a little oppressive and it felt much better outside, at the fresh night air, and she was hoping he'd catch a breather here.

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She would have no idea how thankful he was for her to be there. It felt like it was all crumbling down around him. Having to wade through that alone would be too much, he thought.

He gave a weak smile. He was glad to hear she could stay. He didn't much like needing anyone, but he certainly needed her right then.

"Yeah, that sounds good," he said quietly, locking his office up and walking with her out the door. He had a speeder to get to and from his apartment. Climbing inside, they started the short drive home. Jon was quiet, music from whatever he was listening to before he left for Dathomir playing quietly. He didn't hear any of it; his mind ran from thing to thing so quickly that he might as well have been thinking of nothing.

"How was your mission?" he asked, trying to sound casual, but it felt wrong in his mouth. This was too normal, too quiet, too calm. He felt tightness in his chest but forced down the panic that boiled just beneath the surface.

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Kalique Baize

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Exhaustion lingered on his each and every step and she was glad when they finally made it to his speeder. She endured the silence for a moment, using the music to distract herself, but she kept spiraling back to his inner pain.

She felt with him and it was hard to stand. The mood was still oppressive, even outside of the barracks, but the fresher night air mitigated at least at least a tiny part of this heavy emotionality. She forced herself to breathe in deeply before she slowly exhaled again. She'd help him through, but as she had never been in such a situation, she simply wasn't sure what exactly to say or to.

Biting her lip, she tried to keep her presence within the Force calm and centered in order to avoid amplifying this gravity of this all. She then reached over and placed a hand on his tight, simply and non-verbally saying 'you're not alone' before he suddenly broke the silence.

"We don't have to..." she gently replied, however trailing off, noticing how his inner panic was close to surfacing as she started brushing against his thigh with her thumb. She wasn't entirely sure whether he simply found this oppressive silence unbearable, or whether he was trying to calm and distract himself, but small talk didn't seem to be the right help.

They were close to his apartment anyway and as if they were passing an invisible threshold, she found herself a little more restless as they were about to pull over. "Let's head inside first" she suggested, offering her hand after alighting. It didn't matter what he had in his fridge, she'd either go buy or quickly order something as soon as they were halfway settled but for now she simply wanted to get him inside. Keeping emotions bottled up like this wasn't healthy and she was hoping he'd find some relief inside...

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He was relieved they didn't have to talk. Each word only added to exhaustion in felt. The hand on his leg comforted him, rooted him in the moment. He took a deep breath, hand resting on top of hers as he kept his eyes on the road.

They arrived a moment later, walking inside together. He dropped his bags just inside the door and scanned the room. It was all painfully mundane. He moved to the couch and sat down, staring down at the floor.

He wanted to tell her not to worry about him. He didn't need her to make food, but he found the sound soothing as he laid his head back. Not sleeping, but certainly not exactly conscious. For the first time in days, he felt like he could let his guard down, relax just a little. It didn't make sense, he had been safe since they had left Dathomir, but his mind kept racing, feeling of being in danger refusing to withdraw.

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Kalique Baize

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They walked in together and she guided him towards the couch. He didn't need to unpack now or whatever, all he needed was some rest. She did move the bags out or the way and ordered their coats a little as he settled down, not saying another word. She swallowed the lump in her throat and decided to keep her mind busy to avoid spiraling herself, knowing he needed her to be fully strong.

She found him on the couch and she squatted down next to him for a moment and softly kissed his forehead. For a moment, she closed her eyes, lips lingering where they were before she pulled back and gently whispered, "We'll make it through this together". They'd always make it through.

She pushed herself up and made her way into the kitchen, opening drawers and the fridge as silently as she could while she checked for whatever she could find. As he had planned to come back to Raxus after New Alderaan, there was enough there for her to create a wholesome, nutritious meal and so she decided to quickly prepare something while giving him a few moments to himself.

If he'd need her, she'd sense it, so she kept staying aware of his presence within the Force, but as exhausted as he was, she assumed he'd rest now anyway. It pained her to see that he was still holding on to keeping his walls up, to keep functioning and not allowing those emotions to be released, but she'd give it time. If it didn't seem as though he needed her earlier, she'd silently keep prepping before she'd be able to serve roasted vegetables and lean meat with grains and a light, yet slightly spicy sauce...

It was not exactly a leftover dish, but from what she had found in the fridge and pantry, she was rather pleased with the results. She sat it down on the table took a seat in front of him, gently stroking the side of his head.

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He was okay. He kept reminding himself of that as she kissed him on the forehead. He clung to the love he felt for her, let that keep him upright for the moment. The next while, he floated in the space between consciousness and unconsciousness.

Jon had no sense of the Force but could feel her in the room. The apartment was small; the kitchen and living room were essentially two halves of the same room. The fact that she had found anything edible to eat was a slight miracle, but he knew fewer more tenacious than her after she had set her mind to it.

She set down the food in front of him, the scent awakening a hunger in him. He hadn't eaten a proper meal in days, it seemed. She sat next to him. There was a part of him that just wanted to collapse on her, sleep until it was all alright but there was a part of him that knew that he needed to eat something.

So with effort, he opened his eyes and looked at the delicious-smelling food. "Thank you." he said quietly as he picked up the plate and took several bites. There was almost nothing better than preparing meals after a week of field rations. She was a great cook, but this food tasted supernatural. He still moved slowly, picking at it between bites. "This is really good." he said, a hint of a normal smile poking through. "Are you going to eat?" he asked, turning his head back towards her. It was late, but Jon wasn't exactly sure what time it was.

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He wasn't asleep, but for a moment she had wondered whether she should have just let him lay. The scent of the food still seemed to waken his spirits a little and he needed to eat something, so she was happy that he tried asnhe sat up. "I have eaten, no worries" she told him, a soft smile tugging at her lips as she saw his normal spirit shining through.

ruth was, her last meal had been some time this afternoon, but she was fine. She needed him to feel better first and she'd take care of herself tomorrow. "I'm glad you like it...I improvised a lot" she admitted, his sheer presence already relieving to her. He seemed to be getting better, yet all in all she still didn't like he was in such a condition, but so was the nature of battle.

Almost having forgotten about drinks, she got up and brought them two glasses with water and random bottles of whatever she could find for him to choose. "Do you want to take a bath afterwards? I can get everything ready..or we head straight to bed". She knew he'd insist on her tending to her needs at some point as well, but she didn't care right now. It was secondary and it could definitely wait.

"You know...if you want to talk...if that helps, we can. If not, once work dies down a little, you might be happy to hear that I've found a few apartments we could check out..". If it was distraction he needed, she was also happy to provide it, but she was still hoping he'd let everything he had bottled up out at some point.

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He gave her a tired look. He didn't believe her. It would be like her to ignore herself for him, but he slowly turned back to his plate, taking several more bites.

"I do..." he said with another faint smile. He took several more bites, growing full quickly, the plate still half full. He set it down on the table and drank some of the water there before leaning back again. "Bed sounds so good right now.." he admitted, already feeling tired again.

"Thanks, I know." he said, leaning over and kissing her. It was good to have someone there for him, keeping him from unraveling for the moment. "Oh?" he said a second later, pulling back. "Can you show me pictures?" he asked, handing her the datapad tied to a holoscreen across the room.

He lay down on the couch, resting his head in her lap as she pulled up the apartments. They would obviously go look at them once everything was finished, hopefully. He again had to fight down a pang of panic thinking about the coming days. He forced it down, pretending for the moment that everything was alright like he hoped it would be.

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It was perhaps a little white lie, but she wouldn't steal parts of the portion she had been able to make with whatever she had found. He did eat a little, but it didn't surprise her he couldn't gulp down much more as this was all heavy on his stomach. Still, it was good he had eaten something.

She believed him about what he said about bed and she wouldn't hesitate to accompany him and just fall asleep nuzzled against him. "Sure. If you want, right now". He did hand over the datapad and she quickly checked for the ones she had pre-selected.

"Alright, there we go". She then projected the pics onto the holoscreen and explained why she had chosen them. "So this one is really spacious and open with plenty of natural light" she began, before she ran him through a few places.

She hadn't checked for places that provided unnecessary luxuries, but they could still afford nice places that came with a few perks and so gave him a brief summary of the apartments she had found. "Does any one look particularly tempting to you?" she asked him as she was done, softly letting her thumb brush against his cheek. "We're in no hurry...but I'm excited to check them out with you". For now though, her main concern was getting him into bed so that he'll get the chance to catch up with his severe lack of sleep.

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His head rested in her lap as she pulled the images up. She pulled up the first one, and a weak smile crept across his face. It was really open, with tons of lights pouring in from different windows. It was simple and cluttered with niceties. It was hard to believe they had similar tastes in these sorts of things, given their completely different upbringings, but he was thankful for it.

As she flipped to second, his mind lost focus on her words as she explained the reasoning for choosing this particular one. While he was away, he had clung to this hope, this future with her, like so many other soldiers had during the battle. Many of those no soldiers died, their hopeful futures snuffed out like a small candle. It filled him with immense guilt to be lying here with her. If given the chance, he would have died for any one of those soldiers. There was a part of him that hated himself for living through it.

He closed his eyes and briefly back on Dathomir, looking down at a Nightsister he had just killed. Kicking her body over, it revealed she was just a kid, maybe in her middle teenage years. She had a bow and would have killed him if he hadn't shot first, but it didn't make the weight of it any less.

As she flipped to the last house, he opened his eyes again, several tears welling up before falling from his eyes. She had asked him a question...what had it been...

"I like the first one." he finally said. "Which one is your favorite?" he asked, struggling with the words.

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She hadn't given him extensive explanations about the different real estates, yet it had helped her to distract her circling thoughts for a moment. She was looking forward to this future with him and was grateful that she was still blessed with his presence and yet she wasn't fully happy as she knew not everyone had gotten this lucky.

Knight-Captain Winnz hadn't made it, along with thousands of soldiers and other Knights and Kalique always knew that literally any mission could be their last one. Perhaps that was exactly the reason why she was so happy about those prospects and why she knew they had to live every moment like it was there last one.

After he had to leave her behind on New Alderaan, she had felt so terribly empty. There had been a thousand things she had wanted to tell him and somehow she had wished they could have savored their moment of goodbye longer, but he had to leave in a hurry.

She had tossed and turnt all night and shed many tears of sorrow and those days of radio silence had been torture, but that was still why she was even more grateful for those moments here. They had the privilege of spending time like this right now and maybe they'd be lucky enough to follow all plans for their future.

Her presentation of the apartments still let her focus on the screen and the future so much that she didn't notice his inner turmoil that obviously, but what kept lingering was this oppressive over all mood that still weighted them down. "
I might share that tendency...it's beautiful"
she softly replied, but as she met his gaze, a wave of sadness washed over her again.

"Jon...do you want to go sleep...or get a chance to...process any of all the terrible things you've been through first?" He wasn't fine. He was quite far from it and it was incredibly hard to stand. "You don't have to go through this alone...you'd just have to let me in" she didn't needed details, and while she wouldn't push for it, she was still confident if he'd stop bottling all of this up, he'd be so much better. Knowing him, he'd sleep terribly like this anyway and so maybe a conversation was the better idea prior to sleep.

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He was on the verge of breaking down, letting go of all the emotions that raged inside of him. The logical part of his mind knew that was what was needed. If there was anyone in this Galaxy he trusted wholeheartedly, it was her.

And yet, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Not yet; maybe he was afraid of what he would find, or maybe he didn't want to feel better. He certainly didn't believe he deserved to...

So he blinked away tears before looking up at her. "I know," he whispered, taking her hand and kissing her palm. "I love you," he said. That much was true. "Let's get some sleep, alright?" he said, looking up at him as he pushed himself up to his feet with effort. The bedroom was just off of the living room, only steps away, but it still felt like a mile to him.

He sat down on the bed, uniform still on as he laid down. It hadn't even crossed his mind to remove the uniform. He settled down, pulling blankets over him.
 

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She watched him struggle and her empty stomach seemingly turnt itself upside down. She reached for his hand and held it, glancing in those tear filled eyes and yet he kept fighting which simply pained her to see.

She suppressed the sigh though. She only squeezed his hand, accepting his choice. If he couldn't do it, if he couldn't let these emotions out now, it was still his choice. Maybe he needed to fully close this chapter...maybe he wanted to wait until his pile of work would be gone or this hearing would be over, maybe he was one of those types who just pushed through and kept themselves busy.

It wasn't healthy, but she could understand it. It was a familiar coping mechanism, yet she had learnt to change it as bottled up emotions started to digest you from the inside and as it was a door opener for the Dark Side, she couldn't let it, so with active meditation and processing, she had learnt that there were other ways. This was no time for a lecture though.

"I love you, too" was all she faintly whispered before he got up and she followed. He dragged himself over and she turnt off the lights. Like a zombie, Jon moved to the bed to sit, before he laid down and pulled up the sheets. "Baby-" she stopped herself, realizing it didn't matter.

She could wash the sheets and he could take a new, crease-free uniform in the morning and so she simply moved to the other side of the bed where she climed in. She immediately wrapped an arm around him and nuzzled herself against him, swallowed down the upcoming nausea all those worries triggered and closed her eyes.

She was wide awake despite her exhaustion, simply hoping her presence would ease his mind while she kept projecting calmness and every parts of positive energy she could muster. It would all be alright...at least she still didn't remember to set an alarm, knowing they both had duties in the morning.

@Raydo
 
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