Zakya

Psycho

Nightmare Angel
SWRP Writer
Joined
Dec 3, 2009
Messages
482
Reaction score
0
"I dream of a new world, of equals, and I will stop at nothing to create it."

15rm4vb.jpg



On a distant planet...​


The earth beneath her shook, rattling and slinging her as if she were only rag doll doing a puppet’s dance. Rubble already covered everything that was around her. The dust and dirt blanketed the ground. Her clothing, which was nothing much to begin with, was being torn to mere rags from trying to escape the crumbling walls that surrounding her. A city that had taken hundreds of years to build had taken only seconds to destroy.

She didn’t know why she was almost sad to see it like this. This city had brought nothing but anguish to her. It had grown cruel and corrupted, and it seemed especially so to this orphan child. Fate was a cold mistress. Here, you would be lucky if you were born a bastard child whose father could be black mailed into providing money to support you. But she had been left on the orphanage doorstep with nothing, not even a name, only a few days old.

She didn’t expect anything out of life, but to become a slave to someone of greater importance. Obviously the keeper of the orphanage, a sly man named Hackerd, thought the same. He named her “Zakya” meaning “the end” or “death” in the old language. She and most of the other orphans like her were considered the lowest of the low. Even though Abregado-rae had become more civilized there were still parts where money reined and if you were poor you had no choice but to become a slave. Everything depended on luck and a pretty child was a lucky child. Someone from nobility might choose you as a pet.

Children often became dolls, to be petted and prodded, the play toys of children lucky enough to be born with blue blood running through her veins, and more often than not a worse destiny met you when you became the adults plaything. Zakya had none of the features that usually attracted attention though, her hair as brown as the dirt on her feet, and her limbs as short like the branches of the newly planted tree. These things plus the freckles that dotted her face, a mark of the sun, she passed as average. The only thing that could be said was attractive about her was her bright, intelligent blue eyes; even those were too intimidating at times to be attractive. But with that intelligence, she had landed herself here, finally alone, finally away from the Keeper, his wife, and the other children.

Who knows where they were. But she honestly didn’t care; she was safe and free. Free. She sighed with such peace the earth seemed to calm with her. She was thirteen, scared, and alone, but she was free.


Zakya had collapsed on the ground. She had been running since she felt the first tremble of the storm. She had just had her first beating of the day from the Keeper’s wife, Margreth. Tears streaming down her face and rage mingled with hatred and fear filling up her heart, she just couldn’t take it any more. She was shaking so bad it was hard to recognize the beating of the storm, but she looked up and saw it out of the kitchen window.

The storm came in the form of dust and lightning, slowly gathering dirt and stones; then the ground started to tremble. Someone was yelling for or at her, but by then she had already turned and ran out of the kitchen towards the vortex of dirt and ruins. She wove between the building, her whole body being beaten by the boards, trees, rocks and other debris flying by. She couldn’t see, but she heard the mingled wails of the wind and cries of people. She ran without any though to why one word echoed through her mind… Free.


The same word appeared in her mind right before she opened her eyes to the face hovering above her. She opened her eyes to a sight she would remember forever, the sight of a pale, white face of a noble lady perched above her in a brightly painted cart. Zakya stared up at her, squinting. What did this lady care if she, a street urchin, were lying on the ground; what did she want? Then the lady, who she now noticed was veiled, hair covered to, peer back at her with open curiosity.

The woman snapped her fingers and two men, who must’ve been carrying the cart, appeared above Zakya. One of the men was short, bald, and very well muscled. The other was tall, thin, and looked as though he had wisdom he wasn’t allowed to often to use. She didn’t take her eyes off Zakya as she said,

“She will do.”

The two men started to pick Zakya up and were startled when she looked impertinently directly at the lady.

Then she said boldly, “What do you mean ‘she will do’?” The woman looked at her blankly, and then to the two men’s bewilderment, she started to laugh.

“You’re perfect. Girl, you shall come with me, but since I like you, you may choose if you would like to stay with me or not. Come now, you can’t just sit in the dirt all day. You seem much too intelligent for that.” Zakya thought for a moment… it seemed safe enough, even though this was an extremely strange noble woman. She shrugged and climbed clumsily into the cart next to the woman.

“Who are you?” Zakya asked with layered skepticism. The woman’s eyes crinkled at the corners showing she was smiling beneath her veil and she straightened her back.
“I am Taelesa Silverwhip.”
“Oh, really?” Zakya replied nonchalantly. Lady Taelesa’s eyes crinkled some more.
“Yes, really. And what are you called?” The Lady answered.
“Zakya of the Dirt.” Zakya said only slightly sarcastically.
“Oh, really?” said the Lady mocking her.
Zakya smirked, “Yes, really.” The cart came to a stop and Zakya glanced at her surroundings and found that she was at the foot of an immaculate manor with twenty foot tall white marble columns and an equally huge gold plated door. To Zakya it looked like a house for the gods.

“I suppose this is your place, huh?” Zakya said trying not to sound impressed.
“Yes, it is. Now come on, we have a lot to discuss.” The tall man opened the door of the cart and helped them out. The Lady seemed taller, even nearly as tall as the man who was a good seven and a half feet tall. Zakya felt intimidated for the first time in a long time.

The short man pulled a thick, silver cord and the golden doors slowly swung open. Lady Taelesa took Zakya by the hand to guide her to the sitting room. The inside of the manor was just as elaborate as the outside complete with jeweled tapestries lined with silver and gold thread, and a great, winding marble staircase. The furniture of the sitting room was covered in a soft peach silk. Taelesa motioned for her to sit down.

Zakya shook her head, “ Why did you bring me here?”
Lady Taelesa sighed, “It’s rather complicated. But all in all, I want to make a change in the world and I’ve always wanted a daughter. You provide to means for me to have both in one. Straight to the point, this is my proposition. Become my daughter and we shall make the rest of the planet and other planets what they should be. I need someone like you who is smart and strong, someone who can lead us all to equality. ”

Zakya stared at her blankly, “What?”
The Lady rolled her eyes, “You are not a stupid child. Don’t play the part. My sister,” she sighed, “died a week ago. I will say you were hers and I adopted you. Of course we will have to change your name… How about Kya?”

A thousand thoughts rushed through Zakya’s mind. Was this woman serious?
“I need some time to consider your very generous offer.” She said carefully. Lady Taelesa sighed,”If you must. But while you’re considering, you can take a nice, hot bath. I’m sure Marisette has already drawn it for you.” She stood and lingered at another golden rope.

“I think I will show you to your rooms myself.” Zakya, or Kya, as she should now be called because it felt as though the name had already attached itself to her, stood mutely, still unsure of her words or actions. She wanted to jump for joy at the sound of the word “bath”. She had only gotten one a month at the orphanage and savored the feel of the water on her skin, even though it was always cold and she was never allowed to stay in longer than a couple of minutes. Seeing Kya, would not move on her own, Lady Taelesa grabbed her hand again and pulled her out of the parlor and up the marble steps.

The Lady glided and Kya stumbled past many doors and several portraits of Ladies and Lords bedecked with silk and jewels, until Lady Taelesa stopped at a door with what seemed to be crystal door knob.

“Are you ready?” The Lady said smiling. Kya looked at the closed door and then
back at the Lady and nodded. The Lady lightly twisted the door knob and gave the door a soft push. Kya stepped into the room without looking up, but when she did , she gasped. She was swept up by the dark plum and rich silver of the room, that could be meant for no other than the moon personified. Her ceiling sparkled like the night sky where flecks of real silver had been painted on.

Her bed was immaculate and high off the ground with blankets of fur and sheets of silk. If she was speechless before, now she was permanently mute. She didn’t have long to admire it though. The Lady had drug her into another room that was connected to hers. She hadn’t even recovered from her first gasp when she was hit with another one. The walls shimmered from the glow of about a hundred candles sitting around a huge, steaming marble tub.

Flower petals floated delicately at the surface of the water. The Lady watched Kya’s face and smiled.
“Do you need someone to wash your hair?” Kya just dumbly shook her head.
“Then I’ll leave you to your thoughts. But first let me say, I chose you because you are not like the rest of this world, poor or rich. You have something in your eyes that tells me you have a power, and I only wish to help you on this journey to find what this power is. I know you will make the right choice.” And the Lady glided confidently out, closing the door behind her. Her clothes were off in an instant and sighed as she dipped the first foot in. She slipped into the tub, allowing her aching muscles to settle, and she closed her eyes. She didn’t know what she was doing. This eccentric Lady was just a little too much. But she thought that after all she had been through, she deserved this.

She deserved to be pampered, to learn, and to be loved. If she couldn’t be loved here then, at least she would manage to learn and have wonderful baths.

Five years later...​

Her bags were packed and she had all she needed for the journey. Over the last five years, Lady Taelesa had taught her much ain hopes that under her care she would help a girl of no consequence, Kya, become a jedi and bring justice to this planet and others. The lady had seen a spark in Kya that no one else had, a power that had been suppressed by abuse and malnutrition. But now Kya was different, her potential radiant.

She and Taelesa had shared their good byes the night before and now Kya wandered the quiet mansion one last time. As she was about to push open the door to walk out of the house, possibly forever, she saw a glint out to the corner of her eye. A heavy silver ring with a large onyx set into its center sat on a table nearby. Beside the ring was a piece of paper that read simply, "For my daughter, Kya." Tears filled up her eyes as she slipped on the ring and made her way determinedly out into her destiny.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Gambler

Banned
Joined
Apr 23, 2009
Messages
2,855
Reaction score
0
Edited. :D

If you'd like I could review your profile. I have a bit if times and it would be a good way to get semi-active again and maybe to encourage people to tear apart the profile idea I've been toting around with =)
 

Psycho

Nightmare Angel
SWRP Writer
Joined
Dec 3, 2009
Messages
482
Reaction score
0
I would like that, just don't rip me to shreds completely. This was character I made for a book two years ago.. so yeah.. leave me some self esteem xp
 

Gambler

Banned
Joined
Apr 23, 2009
Messages
2,855
Reaction score
0
I'm not going to rip you apart. I'll just show you what I thought can be altered. Of course, this is all my personal speculation/opinion, so don't take it as 'oh he says this so it must be completely true' since I can sometimes sound either harsh or like a complete asshole... :(

The earth beneath her shook, rattling and slinging her as if she were only rag doll doing a puppet’s dance. Rubble already covered everything that was around her. The dust and dirt snow blanketed the ground. Her clothing, which was nothing much to begin with, was being torn to mere rags from trying to escape the crumbling walls that had surrounded her. A city that had taken hundreds of years to build had taken only seconds to destroy.

The adjectives you used here don't really flow well in the sentence. It paints a picture of what is going on, which is great, but the word choice makes it a bit awkward. The tense also doesn't fit with this kind of description. You write like it is happening at that very moment, but then you switch into a flashback type thing that, at a glance, seems a bit sloppy. By this I mean the use of the word 'had'. In the past tense, 'had' is usually a filler word of sorts. In some cases it is accepted (ex. "I had a pair of socks on today") but in most it seems rather pointless (ex. "In her past she had committed herself to a life of desecration and despair"). In most cases it can be supplemented by another word or simply deleted altogether (ex. "In her past she committed herself to a life of desecration and despair"). Doing so generally enhances a sentence's flow and less... clunky.


She didn’t expect anything out of life, but to become a slave to someone of the Third House. Obviously the keeper of the orphanage, a sly man named Hackerd, thought the same. He named her “Zakya” meaning “the end” or “death” in the old language. She and most of the other orphans like her were considered the lowest of the low. Everything depended on luck and a pretty child was a lucky child. Someone from the Upper House might choose you as a pet.

You might want to elaborate on the setting before this point. I understand what is going on, but that mental picture you painted disappeared. The setting is rather vague. What I can gather is that it is in a city that has been stricken by poverty but has a section of nobility that buys people at their leisure as slaves.

You became their little doll or their children’s plaything or… well, just hope you were lucky enough not to be too pretty of a child. She wasn’t so pretty as a child, her hair thin and a brown that wasn’t valued, her cheeks and nose dotted with freckles from working in the sun, her body was almost squat. The only thing that was attractive about her was her bright, intelligent blue eyes; even those were too intimidating at times to be attractive. But with that intelligence, she had landed herself here. Finally alone, finally away from the Keeper, his wife, and the other children.

The use of 'you' might be used for effect, but it isn't correct grammatically. By switching tenses again you make it rather inconsistent. I'd personally write something akin to 'These children became porcelain dolls or toys for the upper class' children[...]'

You have a few sentences that could be great if worked in the right way such as the description of Zakya. If you cut some of the sentences short and added a few sensory details or maybe a simile for her eyes, it would sound much better. Right now it sounds like you are listing the aspects of her appearance by cramming them into a single sentence (which, if I might add, turns the comma splice into a bit of a run-on).

I still have no idea where this story takes place, only that what I originally thought of as an earthquake was really just a storm and that the city I believed ruined was still standing. The Third House and Second House bit trips me up a little since it reminds me of the house structure of Cairhein in Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. Vaguely, but I can't help but connect the two.

I would say that you should write the setting into it, but that would cause you to have to re-write almost the entire beginning and I doubt you really want to do that. So instead I'll say that the meeting with 'the Lady' is rather ambiguous. In the beginning I almost thought it was going to be a murder or rape scene until a few sentences later it turned out into the 'Lady' accepting Zakya into her house. You explain this later as the 'Lady' wanting someone to replace her recently departed sister, but that doesn't explain why she chose Zakya. There wasn't really any development in that part.

I dislike the way you ended it, giving the scene of Zakya leaving barely eight sentences with only writing that she wanted to become a Jedi. A bit of a letdown in the end. Why does she want to become a Jedi? What do the people in wherever that place is say to her that makes her believe that she doesn't fit in? Two sentences are passed and she is gone? Really? If you turned to your mother and said "I'm going to leave to become a monk," one day, do you think she'd just say "Fine, pack up and leave." ? There would be at least some kind of scene. You put a lot of work into the beginning, but it seems like you lost steam once you got to the midpoint. Once there your paragraphs became single sentences of dialogue with a sentence or two of explanation in the text until in the end you write it off in a couple of sentences.

Overall I'll have to give you a 5.5/10 on this one. It is pretty well written, but as I've already said, there are quite a few small problems here and there along with the loss of steam as you finished it. Now, if you expand on the end and give an idea of the setting along with some more expansion with the character itself this would be at least a 7/10. If you go through and fix every last diminutive problem it could be bumped up to an 8.

If you think I was being harsh anywhere, please let me know. I was merely reviewing the character, not you as a person or a writer. Once more, this is just my own speculation and not universal fact. =)
 

DhehKappa

Well sh*t.
SWRP Writer
Joined
May 17, 2008
Messages
1,588
Reaction score
0
It was a nice read, though those last few paragraphs of dialogue and mainly the Five Years Later part were a bit of a stab to the profile. I demand expansion and cookies! :3
 

Psycho

Nightmare Angel
SWRP Writer
Joined
Dec 3, 2009
Messages
482
Reaction score
0
Thank you for the feed back and I will try to work on it as soon as possible. :)
 

Psycho

Nightmare Angel
SWRP Writer
Joined
Dec 3, 2009
Messages
482
Reaction score
0
I've worked on it a bit, but I'm not quite done..
 
Top