Joke

[Matt]

A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

Driver: Yes, mate.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying b*stard told you I was speeding, as well.



Jokes please ladies, gentlemen and queers like me.

LET'S MAKE FUNNY

 

[Matt]

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

 

[Ser Yorick]

That was hilarious, Matt.

 

[Regret]

The only funny part about the first joke was you calling a trunk a boot. Lol British euphemisms.

 

[Ols]

My grandad's been telling that for years. It was funny the first time I heard it though.

Even so, if we're telling jokes:

There's a delivery man with his lorry going up and down the country all day. Eventually he gets to his final delivery of the day: he has to deliver a cage of monkeys to London Zoo. As he's going down the M1, making good time, the radiator bursts on the cab of his lorry and he is forced to pull over onto the hard shoulder and call the AA. After a while, still without the AA, he sees his friend, Paddy, a white van man, coming down the motorway. He waves him to stop and greets him.

"Paddy," he says, "look, I need you to do me a favour. It's my last job of the day, the zoo closes in the hour and this needs to be done. Here's 50 quid, I want you to take these monkeys to the zoo for me, please."

"O' course," replies Paddy, eager to help out a friend. The monkeys' cage is loaded into the white van, the money handed over and off Paddy goes. The delivery man is still there, a couple of hours later, when he recognises Paddy's van zooming back up the other way. He runs over to him and gets him to stop, asking how the delivery went.

"Fine, fine," says Paddy, but as he speaks the delivery man sees the monkeys are still in the back of the van. In shock the man exclaims,

"Paddy, I gave you fifty quid to take the monkeys to the zoo."

"I took 'em to the zoo," said Paddy, confidently, "and with the change I'm takin' 'em to the cinema."

 

[Matt]

How does every black joke begin?

With a look over your shoulder.

 

[Wing]

There are these two muffins in an oven. One muffin says "It is hot in here." The other muffin is like, "Oh my god, a talking muffin!"

 

[Matt]

Why did so many black American soldiers die in Vietnam?

Because whenever someone shouted "GET DOWN", they all stood up and started dancing.

HILARIOUS! ^^

 

[Ols]

Some woeful, but surprisingly entertaining one liners:

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other one, "How'd you drive this thing?"

Two snowmen in a field, one says to the other one "is it just me, or can you smell carrots too?"

And my personal favourite:

Did you hear about the gay magician? He disappeared with a poof.

 

[Regret]

Why couldn't the little girl use the swings?

She had no arms.

 

[Jice Graywoods]

I chuckled at that one...>;3

Now, I need to think of something funny... I should bring my uber long MSN chats in here... Lawl. >_<

 

[Ser Yorick]

How does every black joke begin?

With a look over your shoulder.

I actually loled that time.

 

[Wing]

When a Spanish wh*re had twins, what did she call them? Jose 1 and Jose 2.

 

[Matt]

Two dyslexic skiers are arguing on the top of the slope....

"I'm telling you, the instructor said to zig-zag down the hill!!!!"

"No, he said zag-zig down the hill, not zig zag!"

"Ok, let's ask this guy here with the sledge...excuse me mate, do you zig-zag or zag-zig down the hill?"

"Sorry mate, can't help you, i'm a tobogganist"

"I'll have 20 B&H and a lighter please."

 

[Ols]

The sick ones:

How do you get three babies into a bowl? Blender.

How do you get them back out again? Nachos.

What's the difference between 10 dead babies and a Ferrari? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

The Irish one:

There's a funeral director and he's advertising for an assisstant. One day, Fred comes in to claim the job. As he takes him around the morgue, showing him everything, they eventually come to the body storeroom. As they are looking through the dead, Fred notices that three of the corpses are smiling. He questions this, thinking it strange and the man replies, "well usually, we get at most once a month, but you're right three at a time, who die smiling, is strange."

Fred asks how they died, so the director replies, "Well the first man, that was John. He won the lottery. Ecstatic he was, all of a sudden, had a heart attack, no second chance, dead with a smile on his face."

Then they turned to the second man, and he says, "Oh, that was Paul. Poor git, having sex with his wife he was. Really enjoying himself, all of a sudden - heart attack. no second chance and dead with a smile on his face."

They then turn to the last man and the director explains, "Oh, that's Paddy. Tragic death he had, tragic. Struck by lightening he was."

"Then why's he smiling?" Asked Fred.

And the director replied, "Because he thought he was having his photo taken."

 

[Jice Graywoods]

I actually loled that time.

That's the one I meant. Not Masq's. :P Though I strangely found some humor in her's, too...

 

[Matt]

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my f***ing ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"

 

[Ser Gregor]

haha I like this one too.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Abruptly he shouted out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and the booming voice of the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. It is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I've been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

 

[Regret]

What's more funny than a mountain of dead babies?

The one baby that is still alive trying to eat his way to the top.

 

[Matt]

What makes 9 out of 10 people happy?


Gang rape.

To far?