Soren Tizoc

[Sarah]

Theme song (No I won't make it a disturbed song)

Name: Soren Tizoc
Faction: Sith
Race: Epicanthix
Rank: Marauder
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Force sensitive: Yes, trained
Appearence:

Something like this. Well pretty much exactly like this.

Soren looks very much like the disturbed guy, if he wore some more clothes. Soren is a tall, bulky guy who enjoys wearing chains when battling, as they provide a good emergency weapon/torture device, but more than anything he wears these to mock the Jedi for embracing the chains of the force. He usually wears a black robe, which has been torn many times due to both his fighting style and the battles he has been in. Under his tattered robe, he wears a set of MK 5 Inquisition armor (Link is in gear.) He has black hair, which is cut very short, comes in at about 2.3 meters (just under 6 1/2 foot) and weighs 135 Kilograms (just shy of 298 pounds). His eyes are brown, with a slight red tinge in them on the very rare occasion that he actually uses the force, as he is very weak in the force.

Attributes: Strengths: Soren is a master of the saber, knowing multiple forms and combining many of them into the way he fights, and is able to change this up as a fight progresses, so that if one move does not work, he may be able to create a move that can.

Soren also possess good tactical knowledge, being able to tell what an enemy force will do and how to destroy their morale.

He is an expert pilot, able to make all or most maneuvers so long as his current ship has the ability to do so as well.

Weaknesses: Soren's charm is limited, and he is very quick to anger. He has been known to kill apprentices who fail him, more quickly than most.

Because of this, he is no longer allowed to teach in the academies, but is still able to have a single apprentice, which works for him.

. In case no one can tell, he also is arrogant, not as much as some Sith, but still. He rarely gets along with anyone, but still obviously shows respect to his betters.

His force is weak, able barely to choke someone, shoot lightning for a very brief period of time, push or pull something/someone with a great amount of focus, or grab his sabers from his holster, which realistically is his favorite thing to do, as it, unlike his other limited powers, is actually effective at doing something.

Personality: Soren is a cruel, impatient man. This said, he won't hurt someone without proper reason, Believing that his word should show the promise of what happens when you fail. Soren hates the Jedi with a special kind of passion, the reason for which no one knows, and many believe that he is just a hateful person, which is the honest truth. He does not perform torture without reason or as a hobby, and prefers making his apprentices do that work, it's not that he sees it as below him, it just doesn't bring him the satisfaction it brings most Sith, so he uses the duty as a sort of reward for his underlings who do well. He prefers to spend his time lightsaber training with droids, his current apprentice, or meditating on the dark side. While Soren is known as being cruel and impatient by sentient species, he has an affinity for animals, being able to train them well and having a surprising amount of patience for them, compared to his incredible impatience for others. Sometimes he will take a freighter out to some heavily populated portion of the galaxy to kidnap people for food. He doesn't do this to imperial citizens, of course, unless the empire deems them unworthy of life. He has also been known to visit Zygerria to buy the cheapest slaves off for food or servants to become food later, or even get permission to take imperial prisoners who would normally be sent to life in prison or the death penalty and feed them to his various pets.

Biography: Soren was a dark side-worshiping warrior from Panatha, keeping his beliefs secret. Although many Epicanthrix have joined the dark side in history, Soren was shunned by his people and his family at sixteen, when he trusted them enough to tell them what his true nature was. Working hard as a pet trainer, where he trained many animals to be guards or performers, professional fighter, which is where he learned to fight hand-to-hand well, a shipyard worker, which helped his understanding of ships and improved his piloting, and other jobs that are less gratifying than the previously listed, he eventually made enough to buy a crappy ship (An NX-3 that had it's weapon and communication systems destroyed.) and fly to the nearest Sith controlled planet, Phu. Imperials falsely identified Soren's ship as a republic starfighter, shooting him down as soon as he entered the atmosphere. Upon imperial soldiers investigating the crash sight, Soren apologized for not being able to contact them prior to coming. He explained that he was a force sensitive who wanted to learn the ways of the Sith, and was eventually taken to Korriban, and he began his training. Years later, Soren had become a hardened warrior of the Sith, with many kills under his belt. Now Soren's largest challenge is that he wishes to set up a prison near the forests of Raxus, where prisoners can be hunted down and eaten, instead of merely living out their lives in a prison, feeding on imperial taxpayer money.



PETS
Soren now dwells in the forests of Raxus, where his pets can thrive. One of his favorite pets, ironically named fury, is a very lazy and peaceful rancor, who hasn't harmed anything except once, when a training droid harmed Soren during a training session. The droid was irreparable afterwards. Fury needs to be fed dead food, otherwise it won't eat unless something harms Him. Another pet, the one he uses as a mount when he can, is named Apollo because of his habits to stay in the sun for a long period of time. He also has a pack of Bantha, which are groomed and kept track of, and are less used as pets as much used for their milk, food, and leather.




Skills: Extended lightsaber training/knowledge, master pilot,knows epicant and basic, weakly knows the force (He knows how to use force crush, lightning, push and pull, along with telekinesis that is strong enough to grab his sabers, and that slow falling thing.), hand-to-hand combat training.

Gear:
Claw-3 interceptor: http://www.thestarwarsrp.com/forum/...escent-technologies-claw-3-interceptor.66809/
Two single bladed lightsabers, tattered black robe, about 8-12 foot of chains,
MK 5 Inquisitor armor: http://www.thestarwarsrp.com/forum/index.php?threads/mk-5-inquisition-combat-armor.70660/
Two XT-02S droids, each being well above the original training parameters thanks to high-intensity training: http://www.thestarwarsrp.com/forum/index.php?threads/xt-02s-saberguard.66045/
A G-5 rigger, class freighter (http://www.thestarwarsrp.com/forum/index.php?threads/g5-rigger-the-dawnwind.65541/)
Pets: Soren owns two Nexu named Nibbler and Kitty. (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Nexu)
A rancor named Fury: (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Jungle_rancor)
A Veractyl(http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Varactyl)
A pack of Bantha that ranges from 8-16 at any given time, and are used for food, milk, leather, etc. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bantha)

Relationships:None, probably not interested.
Character kills:None
​

 

[Sarah]

@Malon

 

[Sarah]

Thanks for the likes, guys. I hope Malon gets to me soon.

 

[Dark child]

You already have one Sith, are you sure you want to make another so quickly?

Soren has so much going on I'm not really sure if you know what direction you want to take him in.
He was raised as a Dark Side warrior, then trained by the Sith, and now suddenly he wants to become a businessman? His culture knows nothing about the business world. The Sith took him in because of his fighting abilities... There's quite a bit that just clashes here. He's an intimidating, brutish, and dark figure, but he doesn't really give off that vibe.

I think you rushed a bit here. On Lylieth's profile you really went more in depth and the character was well rounded.​

 

[Loco]

It also doesn't help to bump things within a few hours of posting. Malon has other things going on in life than just reviewing character profiles.

 

[Sarah]

As a response to Loco, it doesn't take much to know that Malon has a lot going on. However, last time I made a character, he gave suggestions and told me to tag him once I was done. I figured I'd cut out the middle-man by doing that early on so that he could see it earlier, it's not like I think I'm the only one on here, I just thought it'd be more efficient this way.

Now, to Dark Child, I'm sure I want another Sith, yeah. As for making them a business owner, I know that the Sith are known for pretty much being pure evil A-holes, and I wanted to add in something that could be more or less good. That combined with the fact I already wanted a business man/woman and I'm at my 3 limit, I figured I would do it, like why not, right? He needs to have some personal goals other than just serving the Sith. I agree I should have put more story into at least HOW he learned his skills, but I really couldn't care less about a races culture, if that wasn't obvious enough by my Twi 'lek warrior (for the Mandalorians no less) and the Nelvaanian who is a Sith when that race is known for helping the Jedi/republic/rebels in almost every timeline I've seen (Grievous tricking them doesn't count.) I love breaking the mold of the cultures of races. It's almost a stereotype in most cases, so I enjoy ruining those. I understand the concern tha tI may need to put more time into the biography to explain how they'd be able to learn about business. And he wasn't necesarily raised to be a dark side warrior, he just believed in it. Akin to someone being in, say, a Hebrew family but deciding to be a Bhuddist, or something like that, but I should clarify this to. I assumed I was clear enough by saying he was shunned by his people, but I will go ahead and add that he was rejected by his family as well. Anything else?

EDIT: Also, the Sith didn't take him on because he could fight, but because he was force sensitive and could fight. Plus, someone who already believes in your cause so that you don't have to convince them that you're right? That's a keeper if you ask me.

 

[RVFVS]

If I may, Sarah, I think you have something going here. From what I have seen there is a lack of true blue scary Sith in the Empire. This isn't a bad thing as I believe the Empire isn't made for that. However, there will always be bad eggs within every government and this character could be one of them. And that's a good thing...

But...

Take Kaan for example. I had to make a choice, go the Palpatine route or the Vader route, you can't go both. I'll be frank, no individual would want to do business with this character. However, remove his business ties and turn him into a pariah, an individual so dark and apolitical that even the Sith bureaucracy won't deal with him often and now you have a compelling character.

I work in business and am a sales rep by trade and I can tell you that charm is 80% of the ability needed to succeed. By your admission, he has none and thus I can't see him navigating business. Why wouldn't individuals go to other, more powerful Sith lords to do business with? Or even appeal to the Emperor against this foul treatment? Once again, with Kaan I made it clear he was separated from the average Imperial regime, in fact I also specified it was considered a punishment to be stationed with him because of his irregular style of leading.

He isn't a bad character at all, like I said he has the proper nucleus to be a good, Darth Sion/Darth Nihlus style scary, I don't care about life Sith. But you can't do both. Is he Vader or is he Palpatine? Once that choice is made you will discover a great character. Just my two cents, once again there's alot going here you just have to iron it out a bit. I am happy to discuss more over PM! :)

 

[Sarah]

So, after spending some time thinking this over, I have decided that it would be easier for other people if I just omit the 'well educated' aspect of this character as a whole, forget the business, the cooking, multilingual, medical knowledge, All and anything that could symbolize intellect outside of combat related things... So I will be doing that tomorrow. However, i refuse to have a character that is nothing more than a cliche strongman who could be written a hundred times with changes only to his race and bio, who can do nothing but fight well. I understood the criticisms I recieved from the original Ulva, and from Lylieth, but here I have a balanced character with a relatively solid story, some abnormalities from the typical sith personalities, different passions and hobbies, and goals. I won't even dive into how much thought, research, brainstorming and passion goes into the characters before I start even writing them up. But whatever, I'll just cram businesses into Lylieth's character or something. Better yet just wait till a character dies. If someone could help with an idea of an "acceptable" hobby, a Sith hobby, that'd be great. Really, I'd love to hear suggestions.

 

[Loco]

I'll just cram businesses into Lylieth's character or something.

I think that's part of the problem here, is that the whole business part just seems sort of crammed in. It's great, and even preferable, to have characters that are unique and interesting and not cliches. But aspects of this seem almost like two entirely different characters crammed together, resulting in one character that is now trying to go in two very incompatible directions at once- that by itself is not a problem per se, since internal conflict is a good storytelling tool, but the extremes in this case are causing a problem with the overall effect that just makes the character unbelievable as a result.

You've got a base. You just need to refine it some.

 

[Sarah]

Okay, it's refined in a way that others will want it. I had to take out a lot of strengths so I replaced them with other stuff and may even take away a weakness because of this. I didn't see a whole lot wrong with someone wanting to own a business but clearly that was never in the cards for this guy.

 

[Sarah]

You're really messing with my pirates of the pancreas here, and it's annoying. Just saying.

 

[Loco]

Okay, it's refined in a way that others will want it. I had to take out a lot of strengths so I replaced them with other stuff and may even take away a weakness because of this. I didn't see a whole lot wrong with someone wanting to own a business but clearly that was never in the cards for this guy.

I dont think you really understood what we were saying, or you're not listening to us- one of the two. It's not the concept, it's the execution. You can be a brutal murderous rage monster and be a shoe salesman at the same time, but you have to reconcile the two somehow. Its been done before by players here, but you have to put work into it. Like RV mentioned for example, why would anyone do business with this guy as written? Would you buy shoes from a 6.5' hulking murderer who literally wears chains? How does he deal with his obviously detrimental appearance and personality when it comes to pursuing what he wants to do business wise? Does he use proxies? Does he make an effort to clean up and keep himself under control? We don't know, because you made no effort to address such an obvious issue.

Like I said in the beginning, your base concept was fine, but it needs refinement in order to make sense and function properly. You're tackling an immensely difficult character concept here


Unrelated to the above, it's also really jarring to have OOC side comments in a character description- if you really need them, I would suggest at least putting them in parentheses or something. (Edit: you're about 50/50 On this throughout the post it seems like)

 

[Sarah]

"Would you buy shoes from a 6.5 foot hulking murderer who literally wears chains?" Firstly, yes I would. If I had big feet. Secondly: I actually did speak with RV about this in PM, as per his request, but I see I should have probably also made note of it publicly. He lets what he calls the 'managers' run the shops, only coming in when it would appear the shop will begin failing soon, so I suppose you could say he uses proxies, yes. I won't fault you for that, because I should have added it in somewhere and honestly thought I had, plus again I should have made my post publicly. Thirdly I thought it could be assumed that being in the business world, and being short on charm as is, you wouldn't quite want to come stimp-stomping your way in, with chains on into a store (unless it's closed, then you may want to let someone know not to call the cops on you, honestly.) I thought I originally said my character was well-educated to separate him from many of the dumber brutes out there. Fourthly I also made measures to make him slightly less cruel than the typical Sith. Sure he killed aprentices, but he doesn't hurt anyone without a proper reason, nor does he torture anyone unless he has to. Those points were in there from the get go, so from a Sith POV he may as well be a bloody teddy bear. Also, another thing I almost had was that he'd only wear the chains if he knew he would kill/fight a Jedi or republic soldier, and I may add that in so that there will be less confusion between when he's trying to be intimidating and when he's trying to do something else. Then again, common sense should dictate that this well-educated man, fully aware of the way he looks, would very obviously make effort to change his appearance according to what he wants done... And in a sense, that's what I was aiming for when I made those OOC notes. The character hadn't gotten any attention when I said I would take away parts of his bio, personality, and skills, so why not let people know that I'm outraged by it?

Also, since I missed it earlier, why exactly would he be considered a murderer? His businesses were based purely inside the Empire, where he would be viewed as a hero more than a murderer.... Especially considering that two of the three businesses were aimed primarily at the Empire's soldiers.

 

[Loco]

If you're outraged by constructive commentary, then you're going to have a difficult time posting new characters- this is how the community regulates itself and keeps the standards high and grows and educates new writers. There nothing malicious about it. You're not the first and you certainly won't be the last. We've all been there at some point.

Now, tbh, a lot of what you're calling obvious did not come through at all with the way the character was written, hence why we all felt the need to point out as much. For example, personality traits like being "cruel and impatient" and episodes like "banned from teaching at the acadamy" do not in any way translate into good business sense. And while you spend a fair amount of time talking about his armor and robes and chains, there's no mention of what he might wear to the boardroom or other business meetings, which with the way you're describing this character is somewhere he would have to spend a lot more time in than in battle with Jedi. You can't just say "well obviously" when something is clearly not obvious. When you write a character who has such large self contradictions in his or her behavior, you have to explain it somehow. If it was really so clear, none of us would have had anything to say.

This is really to help you, not just with this character, but with future ones as well. These character sheets are as much for the people you rp with as they are for you, so if the cs isn't clear, doesn't make sense, or is contradictory (right now one section says he can do anything in a ship but the skills section says he's an average pilot) then you're setting yourself and others up for unnecessary confusion down the line.

 

[Outlander]

Just to add on to @Loco 's comments here, most of which I agree with totally, I want to say that it's not our job to interpret your character. If there's something important that needs to be conveyed to us as readers, it should be in the profile, so we can clearly see what you mean. That way, we won't get into any awkward situations where someone assumes something incorrectly about your person.

EDIT: Also, something I just noticed that hasn't been brought up before is that you're not allowed to own a Corvette class ship or larger, unless that ship is owned by the faction, in this case the SITHIES, and they let your character use it.

 

[Sarah]

If you'll recall I was outraged not by the 'constructive' commentary, but the fact that when I asked for suggestions, and made it very clear that I would be taking (However small you feel it is) a part of the character, and not one person could give me a single suggestion for putting something in it's place. At least two of the three people who have spoken to me about this character have been on earlier today, yet couldn't give me a single suggestion in the time-frame of which they were on. Not a single one. THAT'S why I was outraged. Not because of the criticism as a whole, but where it lacked or felt one-sided, in a sense. On top of that, rather than helping to make the businessman part work, I was pretty much asked to just take it down. In fact in my opinion the best advice I actually got on the businessman note was from you, AFTER I had taken down all of the businessman parts in the character. I understand that people have a lot more important things to be concerned for than me, but if you are going to give criticism, at least try to help me keep the part that I had throughout the character sheet in, rather than tell me to throw that part away (Yes I know no one flat out said throw that part away, but everything else seemed like nothing, whereas the businessman part stuck out like a sore thumb. He originally knew how to cook, could speak three to four languages, and knew business, but business is really the sore thumb in that? I would think cooking would be more random, honestly... Whatever, doesn't matter now.) Also, looking through as I was editing I found a word or two about the chains that does clarify WHEN Soren wears them, I went ahead and made them bigger for you, not out of passive aggression, but because I know they were in the original formatting and was wondering if that would be obvious enough to let people know that he doesn't always have chains on (not making them big and bold but having them there.). Also, cruel and impatient and banned from the academy fit with business sense the same way that "Sorceress" and "often contracted expert soldiers and gladiators" fits in with your own Faye Tenebris wanting to be with the Naboo. It doesn't, because it's unrelated, and it's okay for a character to have an unrelated thing about them. Hell, I'm a lesbian, live in a small town, and am left handed. Is any of that related? No, and there's a lot more about me that seems random and unrelated, it's realistic though, otherwise it wouldn't be true... Just as being banned from teaching at an academy and being cruel and impatient doesn't relate to him having good business sense. Do you maybe see how the correlations you gave aren't translating? Or maybe just are wrong in my point of view?

 

[Sarah]

Just to add on to @Loco 's comments here, most of which I agree with totally, I want to say that it's not our job to interpret your character. If there's something important that needs to be conveyed to us as readers, it should be in the profile, so we can clearly see what you mean. That way, we won't get into any awkward situations where someone assumes something incorrectly about your person.

EDIT: Also, something I just noticed that hasn't been brought up before is that you're not allowed to own a Corvette class ship or larger, unless that ship is owned by the faction, in this case the SITHIES, and they let your character use it.

Thanks for letting me know about the corvette.

 

[Loco]

Yeah, either you're not listening, or you're not understanding. There's a huge difference in being "unrelated" and "contradictory". I am a good shot, and I am also a good cook. Unrelated, but believable- cool. I am a good shot, and also suffer crippling Parkinson's disease and can barely control my hands. Related, contradictory, not very believable- not cool without significant explanation as to how that's possible. Your description of the character and the inclusion of his very incongruous other skills is much closer to the (extreme example) latter. The things you pointed out for Fayes profile are unrelated. A better example would have been my Chiss, who's hot headed impulsiveness contradicts the way she was raised and she believes she should act- an internal conflict that I explain a little bit, because without some sort of acknowledgement it wouldn't make sense.

I don't really know what to suggest for you. It's not our job to brainstorm or write your character for you. Dark Child suggested you go back and figure out what you want this guy to be, because it comes off as very disjointed and unfocused. RV gave you some possible alternatives. I threw out some questions to get you thinking about the things that very much need to be explained. That's about all we can do. In return we've gotten (Your word) "outrage" and snarky comments in the character description.

We're just here to point out what we see. Good luck with your character :prudence:

 

[Sarah]

Repeating what you said in another comment already isn't going to help me understand, so I'm going to assume that wasn't ever your goal, and yes, I am snarky when it comes to someone who seemed more interested in tearing me down rather than building me up, and honestly this is pretty nice for me after all the crap you've said. Obviously (And yes, I can say that here in the comments even if the character sheet is a domain I am banned from saying it in.) I've been listening to your "constructive criticism" otherwise I wouldn't be trying to figure out what your doing at this point. I don't really remember saying anything remotely near "Hey guys, I want a Sith to be this way, could you write it for me?" Nonono, I actually wrote this character, and from what I can see you're "suggestions" kind of collapsed a good part of my character's strengths. I don't like it this way. Funny though, I thought it was my character, not yours. I liked it the way it was, and would have most likely come back to it later to put more detail in it. It's pretty ironic, however, that until I asked for suggestions, there was plenty of criticism. As soon as I asked, no one could bother until I showed extreme passive aggression to the matter, at which point of all those who could, you, were the one who came running forth to "help" me. And no, that's not "about all you can do" refusing to give even the slightest thought or concern as to how I wanted my character to be is not the best you could do. And in fact if it is, why are you giving your opinion in the first place, because that makes it very unhelpful? Not to mention you were the first who made a "snarky" comment about how Malon has better things to do with his time than just approve character profiles, without considering "Gosh, maybe instead of a useless and provocative statement I could do something more useful with my time." Something I found looking for quotes, I forgot what authority you had over my character to say how much of his time he spends doing what, could you remind me? Just to wrap up and summarize, you were helpful in a few points, but where you really lacked is where I needed you to have input, y'know, where I ASKED for it. Rather, you seem to enjoy shooting down ideas about characters who you don't agree with and prefer to be matter-of-factly when speaking, another provocative thing you do. It's kinda mean of you, and just because my character doesn't make sense at the time you come in doesn't mean you have to attempt to provoke me "Oh well I never meant to provoke you, you're just being over sensitive" is the direction I'm sure you'll go in, or at least someone will. So here are a few quotes from you.

If you're outraged by constructive commentary, then you're going to have a difficult time posting new characters
Yeah, either you're not listening, or you're not understanding.
Good luck with your character :prudence:
You can't just say "well obviously" when something is clearly not obvious (This in referrence to, I believe, that my character wouldn't wear chains to business meetings when I clearly said in battle originally. That IS obvious, by the way.)
I dont think you really understood what we were saying, or you're not listening to us (I could have dealt without either of these statements, but even if it would have helped one was definitely enough, and two was gratuitous.)
I think that's part of the problem here, is that the whole business part just seems sort of crammed in (Yet all that passive aggression was put in after I took it down, wonder why [psst, it's because business was part of this character's bio, personality, skills, etc. Not near as crammed as you'd like to believe] besides, cooking wasn't mentioned, being multi-lingual wasn't mentioned, like come on, if you're gonna give me crap for one aspect at least be vain enough to grab the others as well.)

And my favorite- It also doesn't help to bump things within a few hours of posting. Malon has other things going on in life than just reviewing character profiles. (What am I to you, an idiot? Why am I asking of course that's what you think. You really think I don't know that someone has a life outside of this site? Think I don't realize that? It's insulting, that you would think me to be that stupid.)

 

[Kaane]

I believe all anyone in this thread is attempting to do can amount to one of two things:

A: Ask you to focus on one aspect of your character to make it easier for you to have a concept to work with, because having a super-multi-talented character can either get pretty Mary Sueish or unwieldy to write about.

B: Ask you to justify his existing skillset with more backstory and writing. Or perhaps he can learn how to do business through RP.

No one here is trying to break you down, if anything people are trying to be as patient as possible to help you get into the Sith with this character. Nobody wants to hurt you or your character-writing skills personally, I certainly don't.

If you'd like to DM me we can discuss this further, i'd be happy to help in some capacity.