Ask All The King's Horses

[Willa Kanz]

-Theme-​

She wanted to run away. And for months, she had done just that. Let Haldir work with Elidan, and though she had taken responsibility for her own actions, she still walked away, letting her fate hang in the balance. She wanted to hunt down the ones that had taken away a person she thought was the only one who valued her, and hurt many others. Broken her vows, her promises.

The bitterness of it still sang in her heart. But she had decided that a long sojourn alone was just what she needed. So she had taken her remaining belongings and vanished from the Order, to clear her head and to piece back together her broken heart.

Back to the place where her life had taken a sharp turning point. Back to the Demon Moon of Dxun.

She couldn't explain why she wanted to return to that place, to that temple. Perhaps it was the memories with Crix, or seeing her former Master's face for the first time. But being left alone, to survive and scrape and work hard, had given her a clarity nothing else could. Still... with walking away from the Order and her former Master, she knew she left some things unsaid that shouldn't have been. Some things that caused more pain than they should have, if she had spoken up in the beginning.

So she called for him the only way she knew how.

The echoing Song through the Force, a tremulous, questing echo that would cross every distance, every uncharted parsec and thrum at him. And she would wait, in the abandoned temple, eyes closed to meditate as her Skreev Mantis would patrol the skies, keeping an eye out for any ships. She could wait. No matter how long it took, she would be the one to wait this time.

@Forsythe Crowholde

 

[Haldir Eressëa]

He kept his distance from the Order, spiraling back to the old days where solitude was his only loyal companion. He had vowed to never take a Padawan again, had strengthened his resolve on the matter, because as much as he wanted to help teach the next generation Haldir couldn't help but feel that if he would allow himself to be kind to them, to befriend them and show his true self much like he did with the two he trusted the most out of anyone in the Order, he would be…

He had become afraid to have his concern be mistaken for something, in his mind, so vile and detestable. Perhaps he was a coward for letting this fear get the better of him. Perhaps this fear was justified. Or maybe this fear was a sign of weakness, a crack in the armor he chose to wear.

Haldir had been honest when he told Hera that he bore no ill will towards her nor anger for doing what she felt was right. But could he tell the Justicar that he wished she had listened first before damning him with accusations that threatened– no, that shattered what he thought was the right thing to do?

He had been selfish that night, and the days that led to that moment. He had been selfish for the one he came to care about. And that same selfishness, that one moment of weakness he should've quashed when he was called out for something he would never do, only served to push her further away from him.

Selfishness turned to fear, fear turned to cowardice. Willa needed his strength that night, but he failed her in the worst ways possible. It was his fault that she had drifted away from him. Perhaps he was becoming the worst version of himself. Perhaps it was time to leave the Order, to discard the life of the Jedi, to–

No.

Selflessness turned to bravery, bravery turned to strength. He was a Jedi through and through, his self-doubt be damned. It was time to face his fears and acknowledge the weaknesses he possessed. It was time to face the one he failed the most, to dance to the music she set, and when her Song reached him through the Force – their bond still surprisingly strong despite his faults – he cast aside his fears and took to the stars.

He didn't know what to feel when her Song carried him to the Demon Moon. The one place where he first learned to trust two people with his true face. The one place that sparked his desire to be more than just a masked, wandering Knight and become a dependable Jedi who could teach others what he knew. The one place where he bore witness to the strength of two Padawans whom he believed could bring about great changes within the Order.

One of them was now one with the Force, the other…

Too lost in his thoughts, he barely noticed a Skreev patrolling the skies. Barely noticed it follow him as he followed the Song, his feet taking him to where she was. His presence in the Force resisted against the life thrumming around him, sent hesitating predators running. Haldir was solely focused on that Song and when he reached the abandoned temple, vulpine mask concealing his visage, the Knight took the remaining steps forward until his pale blue gaze alighted upon her.

He didn't say anything– couldn't say something. Instead he reached out, hesitant, a quiet note of unsure fingers gliding tremulously on piano keys, through their bond.

@Killa Ree

 

[Willa Kanz]

Deep in meditation, she was drifting through the darkness of thought.

However, she could feel the moment Haldir landed on the Moon. With Mantis's eyes, she would study him, in the way he walked silently. Through the Skreev's eyes, in snatches of glimpses, she could see him going in her direction, and she mentally pulled herself back, to sit and to wait. Once, she would have felt guilty for making him pursue her. But it was better this way, for now, to talk things out, to smooth things over. He was her Master once, true, but he was also her friend.

Shoganai.

She was aware of him, but she remained sitting, legs neatly crossed, palms folded on her legs. She was dressed simply, in black leggings and a black tunic, her hair tightly woven to neat braids that now fell past her waist. At the faint touch of his own reply, did her own eyes open.

One milky, pale brown eye and one fierce, piercing amber brown eye opened to look at him, and she tilted her face up, staring at the vulpine mask. For a few moments, silence lingered as she regarded him calmly. Slowly, she rolled onto her heels, before being able to pull herself upright. Gone were the flashy colors, the bright smile. Instead, she remained silent a moment longer...

Before offering him a faint half-smile. Cocking her head, she turned away, and walked further into the temple, her footsteps light, silent. The hallway was lit with glowsticks placed haphazardly, giving it a dim, almost peaceful glow. A hasty rough kitchen had been made on some ship crates, with a small caf machine and a cooktop.

"You came a long way, Knight Haldir. Care for some caf?"

@Forsythe Crowholde

 

[Haldir Eressëa]

Ambivalence tore at him as he stood there in front of Willa, his gaze meeting hers. Grateful for the cover of his mask, a semblance of safety that held his anxiety at bay. Despising it, because it hid the emotions he had long since accepted and embraced, and yet his dependence on it remained.

He stood his ground as she rose to her feet, hands balled into fists and breath caught in his throat as he waited for any sort of reaction his arrival might prompt from her. Just because she called him here meant that this meeting might bear a positive outcome. Haldir had learned that night just how badly things could spiral down, and in a way he couldn’t help but feel apprehension. He acknowledged the feeling nonetheless and steeled himself, convincing himself that he was ready for whatever Willa was to throw at him. He waited, with bated breath, pale blue gaze watching her intently…

…and quietly let out a sigh of relief when her lips curved in a half-smile, red blooming across his face at the sight. When was the last time he saw her smile? When was the last time he dreamt of seeing her again? Haldir had decided to wait in silence, and knew that he was more than willing to wait however long it might take. Hadn’t he told her that she mattered to him? And she still did, up to this very day.

Instead of putting his thoughts into words, the Arkanian Offshoot could only return her smile with a courteous half-bow.

Speak.

Haldir stepped forward, keeping his distance as he followed Willa further into the temple. His gaze remained on her, bathed in the soft glow of the lights that littered the hallway.

Speak.

The masked Knight stepped into the makeshift kitchen, then lowered himself onto an upturned, empty crate. He looked up at her when she spoke, vision slightly wavering, and gave her a polite nod in response to her offer.

Indeed. I haven’t slept a wink. How are you? How have you been? I know it's been long overdue, but congratulations on your Knighthood. You and Elidan have made me proud.

Speak now, Eressëa, you coward. Say something, anything. Just speak.

But he was never, ever, one for small talk.

”I’m sorry. For that night. For the days that led to it, and the days that followed. My selfishness caused you nothing but pain.”

@Killa Ree

 

[Willa Kanz]

She didn't need their Bond to see how Haldir was anxious. Truthfully, she expected to feel a strong sense of anxiety as well. She expected to feel a myriad of things, but the moment he was stood before her, only one emotion broke through the wall she had put up between them.

Relief.

Relief that he seemed to be all right, that he hadn't suffered overmuch due to her foolish actions. They were the actions of a person in grief, but that didn't make them right. She had manipulated him, and it took her time in solitude to recognize that. She had given him time to be free of her. Once she had achieved her Knighthood, she knew getting some distance would be the next step. She needed time to grieve, and to reflect.

Still, she sat on a different crate. With a gentle nudge from the Force, caf ribboned into a nearby simple metal mug, and was halfway to her own mug when his words resonated in her mind. For a moment, the stream wobbled, and some caf spattered to the floor. However, the rest flowed into the mug, and she picked up his mug, wordlessly handing it to him before grasping her own.

"Isn't that my line?" she asked, cocking her head to the side. Though she smiled again, there was a line of pain that etched itself in the corners of her mouth. The smile faded slowly, but still she watched him, watched his face. He thought this was his fault, after all this time?

Guilt gnawed at the corners of her conscious, and her brows drew together as she let out a low sigh.

She got up again, and took one hesitant step closer, then another, before sinking to her knees, then folded her arms beneath her head and pressed her head to the floor.

"Forgive me, Master. For forcing you to pursue me, for causing you so much pain. For using you, and for abandoning you." Her voice was low, soft, but it trembled. Her heart ached for what she had done, for forcing him to do something that clearly hurt him so much and for making him suffer alone in his own thoughts.

Even though they were the same rank now, she found no joy in it. She found no joy in succeeding the Trials set before her, but there was an element of calm to her now, a balance that even he would sense. But now, seeing how he carried his own guilt and grief, she felt completely blindsided.

I need to make amends, before coming home.

@Forsythe Crowholde

 

[Haldir Eressëa]

He could sense her through their Bond as clearly as she could sense him, and while it brought Haldir a great sense of calm before, now he felt quite the opposite. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, the accumulated exhaustion from his travels just so he could get to where she was as swiftly as he could. Maybe it was Hera’s unfounded accusations playing on repeat as he jumped from one planet to the next, and the helplessness he felt, the frustration aimed solely at himself because he had no right to be weak that night, not when he should have been Willa’s source of strength - if not as her Master then as her friend, but even then he failed in both fronts.

Though rattled and anxious he allowed himself to find calm and strength in her relief, tried to keep his gaze and breath steady. The Knight carefully took one breath after another, willing his pounding heart to slow its wild thrumming. Haldir took the proffered mug, trembling fingers wrapping around the handle. The warmth of the caf helped ease him somewhat as he focused his gaze on the steaming dark liquid.

Was this how she felt, whenever she stole glances at him
when she thought he wasn’t looking nor paying attention?​

Haldir could feel Willa’s gaze on him past the mask that concealed his face. His hands itched to take it off, but his hands instinctively tightened their grip around the metal mug. The heat would’ve burned him but he soothed the pain away with the Force.

”It’s not-” he wanted to say, but his quiet voice wavered when she closed the distance between them. The hints of guilt nipping at her caught the words in his throat, and when Willa lowered herself on the ground and listed off her own faults, Haldir…

The mug slipped from his trembling grasp, the caf frozen into ice and shattering as it hit the ground. The Force wavered around the Arkanian Offshoot, the air around him becoming dense and frigid as frost slowly but steadily bloomed on the ground beneath his booted feet. Haldir stared at Willa, disbelief painted in his eyes.

”You didn’t force me to pursue you. I… I did that on my own accord, driven by my selfishness, against your will,” he thought, unaware that he was quietly saying the words for her to hear. ”You told me not to go looking, and yet I did because… b-because I was afraid of losing y-”

The Knight looked away, hands rising to grip at his hair with frustration. She had abandoned him, yes. That, he understood. Losing Crix had broken her further, and her grief had caused her to leave everything behind. But for Haldir to hear Willa say that she used him…?

Confusion and pain gripped the Arkanian Offshoot’s heart. She used him? When? How? She didn’t- he was so used to being his parents’ obedient pawn that he had grown accustomed to recognizing when other people used him for their own gain. Willa didn’t, she didn’t use him - she trusted him, believed in him. Their days as Master and Padawan were proof, so why, why was she saying that?

Haldir tried to keep the turmoil of emotions he felt to himself, tried to shield her from them. And he would have succeeded had he not noticed the warmth that pooled in his eyes and the biting cold that slid down his cheeks.

His hands slipped from his hair to his mask, pressing the wood against his face, hard. He wanted to reach out to her, to lift her so she wasn’t bowed before him. The roles should have been reversed. He abandoned her, in the sense that he had asked the Council to assign a Knight more suited to handle and oversee her Trials, because if he didn’t relinquish his duty of being her mentor his desire to see through her training might be seen for something else again. Even more so because he discovered that night that the care he felt for Willa had metamorphosed into something so astounding, something he thought he wouldn’t be capable of feeling given his circumstances. Greater than concern, greater than his hope for her to be the best she could ever be. A feeling he kept to himself and held back because he respected her greatly, and that he didn’t want it to influence her in any way possible.

”You didn’t… not all of those,” he muttered weakly, hands falling limp on his lap. Haldir’s gaze found her one more as he slid down on his knees before her, his hands settling lightly, hesitantly, on her shoulders. Gently he would pull her upright, but he would keep her away at arm’s length. The mask remained on its perch, concealing the Knight’s pained expression. ”Please. You didn’t…”

Black crept on the corners of his vision, sight swimming not with tears but with the exhaustion that abruptly overwhelmed him. His grip on her shoulders quivered, then slid down. The Knight followed, slipping into unconsciousness before he hit the floor.

@Killa Ree

 

[Willa Kanz]

Of all the reactions she had anticipated, this was not one of them.

She had knelt, fully expecting... something. Acceptance, questioning. But at the clanging of the cup and the shattering of ice, she flinched, and though she wanted to look up, she didn't. She wouldn't. She knew how she felt before was wrong, that her feelings before were not suitable between a Master and a Padawan, and that she had used those emotions to manipulate him, to force him out, if only unconsciously so. But at the sudden chill, she bit down on her bottom lip. She would not raise her head, not at first.

But the frustration, pain, and surprise were what moved her first, followed by his own words, almost blurted out as if straight from his mind. It was then she tilted her face up to look at him, and her breath caught in her throat.

She hadn't noticed it before, wrapped up in trying to calm herself and prepare for the onslaught of her own emotions. But seeing him fall apart like that, hidden by his mask but open still the same, rubbed salt in an already open emotional wound. Amber brown eyes met those of icy blue, and when he slid to unconsciousness, she acted instinctively, lunging forward on her knees to catch him.

A reversal of roles, from the last time they were there.

She was aware of her heart thundering in her chest, her breath let go in a sudden exhalation as his limp body was cradled in her arms. Even with his mask, she could feel the exhaustion, the mental strain he must have carried to come here.

Tsking once, she cradled him, and slowly rose, staggering over to an empty, rough cot.

Carefully arranging him to be as comfortable as possible, she sighed, running a hand over her face. "We're both idiots," she muttered, then massaging her brow. Lowering her hand, she stared at the vulpine mask for a moment. Though she longed to pull it off, to see his face once again... she shook her head, tugging a blanket over his sleeping form.

"Sweet dreams, Haldir."

Padding, barefoot, she quietly picked up his abandoned cup, and placed it on the table, then taking hers to the mouth of the temple to wait. After all, she had nothing but time. Setting it down, she once again closed her eyes, slipping into a deep meditation.

@Forsythe Crowholde

 

[Haldir Eressëa]

Sweet dreams, Haldir.

And dreamed he did, shifting from the wishful words he penned and turned into songs, to sleepless nights spent struggling against his worries and fears. Flashes of smiling brown eyes, snatches of stars cast along a stretch of inky night sky, the frigid air inside the morgue seeping through multiple layers of clothing, golden gaze looking down at him with contempt and glacial disappointment. The bandages wrapped around his head slipping to reveal a pale face to two Padawans who were, in the end, torn apart and feasted upon by a pack of gluttonous gharzr. The fox mask he wore splitting into two as a red-haired half-Annfyn was gunned down by a trio of Trandoshan poachers, a white vornskr pup nestled in bloody, unmoving arms.

He dreamed of that night, at the concert, of Willa standing tall yet broken before him. She didn’t say anything, her gaze empty as they fell upon him, and then, Darkness.

Disoriented, the Knight sluggishly pulled himself upright when his mind decided that it was done dreaming for today (or was it night?). He realized a tad too late that he wasn’t in his quarters in the temple on Ithor nor Brighthome, nor was he in his light courier’s cabin. Where was he, then?

With a soft, muffle groan Haldir wracked his mind for possible places that might explain the dimly lit area of a seemingly abandoned building - no, it felt like a temple - he found himself in. He remembered hearing Willa reach out to him through their Bond in the Force. How he dropped whatever he was doing as he hurriedly boarded his ship. Everything that followed was a blur, until it all turned to crystal clear clarity when his gaze finally fell upon her. They were talking- no, she was apologizing, when exhaustion finally caught up to him, and a maelstrom of emotions adding up and overwhelming him.

Embarrassment flooded the Knight, hands ripping off his mask with frustration. He ignored how it cracked and splintered when he angrily tossed it aside. Mentally chiding himself for being so careless, and how he should’ve maintained an even composure throughout her apology, Haldir rose on his feet, and hissed slightly when he wavered. He steadied himself, taking one slow breath after another, one hand finding purchase against the rough wall.

Calm down. Steady. Calm down.

He didn’t know how long he was out, but it couldn’t have been more than a few hours. He didn’t even need to reach out to know that Willa was still here somewhere in this abandoned temple, believing that she wouldn’t call only to leave him. Pushing himself forward, Haldir slowly but steadily meandered down the hallway and let his faith and feet guide him to where she might be. Twice he almost stumbled but he pulled himself back up, determination building and reaching a crescendo when pale blue gaze fell upon her reminiscent of what had transpired earlier when he first arrived.

And just like earlier, he couldn’t speak. But he shook it off with a little more stubbornness, stepping forward until he stood beside her. Haldir lowered himself on the ground next to her with a quiet groan, shoulder accidentally brushing with hers.

Her words - her apology - returned to him. Wordlessly, Haldir held out his hand for her to take, palm up, fingers slightly trembling.

”You didn’t… use me,” he began, voice almost like a whisper. ”You abandoned me, yes, and caused me to worry like I’ve never worried before. But you never used me. Unless…”

He swallowed, afraid to meet her gaze but he looked at her nonetheless.

@Killa Ree

 

[Willa Kanz]

By the time he had awakened, she hadn't moved. His caf had been tidied up, but hers still sat at her elbow, now stone cold. Shoulders relaxed, eyes closed, her mind drifted in a formless direction. Occasionally, Crix's face would swim up to the surface. Haldir's face, grief and hurt twisting his expression, but most of all, it was her first master, Max, who haunted her thoughts.

Do you think I was a fool, Max? she thought out to the aether, not expecting an answer. Yet still, the crystal around her neck would glow dimly. I was lost for so long; I mistook things for what they weren't. Wanted a thing that was wrong; how can I possibly make it right? How can I ever heal what's been wrong?

She exhaled slowly, but an answer, a memory, flowed to the fore. Max's face, lined with a patient smile.

"...Willa. Reach into the Force. Grasp the Light."

Even after all these years, seeing his face, hearing his voice, was a small ache in her heart. A small tear trickled from the corner of her eye, but by the time Haldir would appear, it had vanished to nothing more than a faint trace of salt. Grasp the Light. Reach out, and try to connect. Try again.

Taking a deep breath when he approached, she opened her eyes.

Before them, the jungle had gone quiet. Far away, she could hear the rumble of thunder, the faint screech of unnamed beasts who stalked the jungle's understory with feral intent, pushed away by the threat of the two Force users. Glancing down at his hand, she exhaled slowly, lightly resting her palm with his. Rough palms, so unlike the air he exuded. She knew something had changed; she wasn't sure how much.

Breathe. In, out. Center yourself, Willa.

His words ached. Giving him a sideways glance, she allowed to See him, beyond sight of the normal kind.

In the Force, he was ablaze with white light, with flickerings of darkness. Doubt, pain. Wounds she inflicted. Swallowing once, her voice came out, raspy with being quiet so long as she meditated. Wincing, she tried again, her voice quiet.

"I did. Not intentionally, but... I never should have run." Her hand trembled, but she didn't move away. "I left you. I hurt you, in a way that I was hurting. Grieving was only an excuse; I wanted someone else to hurt as much as I did. I wanted to die, or fall. Because... I didn't want to live alone." She could feel tears beginning to touch the corners of her eyes, but she swallowed them down, blinking them.

Balance, Willa. Breathe.

She took in a slow breath. Exhaled slowly, before looking away to stare out into the jungle. "I forced you to pursue. Used my emotions as an excuse to hurt. Made others doubt you... and it took me so long to see it clearly." She closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath.

"I'm so sorry, Haldir, in ways I cannot express or explain. But if it's alright..." Her breath came out in a slow exhale again, flicking her gaze back to him. "I'd like to start again, as friends, on equal footing." She paused, watching his face.

"If you'd let me."

@Forsythe Crowholde

 

[Haldir Eressëa]

Haldir hadn’t realized that he was holding his breath as he waited whether Willa would accept his hand or not. Relief washed over him when her palm slid atop his, the anxiety reflected in his eyes turning into soft understanding. Though he wanted to lace his fingers with hers he held the urge, keeping his hand still. She would, however, feel the briefest flash of that emotion, as if he was afraid that she might vanish the moment he let his fingers move.

He could feel her Looking at him. There once was a time where he would stoically Look back, as if to admonish the person for even daring to, before forcefully blocking them out. He hadn’t allowed anyone else in because it was what he was taught growing up. The last person he had allowed, out of the foolishness of his youth or out of respect, was his former Master, but even then Rudra had gone out of line when the Morellian meddled with Haldir’s personal life. He had been struck with the reality that time that Father was right, that he could trust no one except his blood.

But Rudra was a stubborn man who worked day and night to earn his aloof Padawan’s trust. Haldir realized then that despite the perceived betrayal, a part of him longed to reciprocate the trust the Knight had given him. He realized that Rudra wouldn’t have meddled if he didn’t truly care about Haldir. Though it had taken the both of them years to rebuild that burned bridge, the Morellian’s actions showed Haldir that he was free to step out of the shadows his clan cast over him, that he was free to choose to trust other people.

So he let Willa Look, trusting her because she had been his Padawan - but more than that, she was his friend.

Her hand trembled when she spoke, when she explained her side, clearing away the haze of doubt that lingered between them. Her words cut through him but he welcomed the pain nonetheless. As she acknowledged her own pain and the consequences of the actions she made out of grief of losing a loved one, Haldir conceded his own. Hadn’t he followed her out of selfishness, out of fear that he might lose her in more ways than he lost his brother?

I didn’t want to live alone.

Haldir understood the weight of that fear. It was a fear he felt so deeply. It was a fear that made him fight so hard for his brother’s life, a fear made manifest when Hyarantë died. It was a fear he felt for Willa when she walked away, when she left everything behind in pursuit of revenge. Hearing her admit to it brought a sense of comfort to the Arkanian Offshoot because it spoke of her trust in him, that she thought him deserving and trustworthy enough for her to open up about it.

He listened, gaze never leaving her. He didn’t move to intercept the tears that threatened to fall. He didn’t move to wrap his hand around hers when her voice seemed to waver. He simply looked at her, understanding evidently clear in his eyes. Only when she asked if they could start over again as friends did he look away, gaze tilted upwards as he took in the overcast skies.

”Can I say something? Explain why I pursued you?”

He didn’t wait for an affirmative, however.

”When I found out how you left the Order, I felt terrified. Was it because I hadn’t been there for you in your time of grief, when I told you and Elidan that I would be there for you both, that I would come running if you called? Was it because I had failed you as your Master? I chased after you because I was afraid, deathly so, of losing you. I knew that music would be your only sanctuary that time and yet, in my selfish desire to see you and help you, I had trampled upon that safe haven and took it away from you. And I am sorry, so sorry, for hurting you. For my absence in your time of grief. For acting the way I did that night - for letting another person’s words hurt me when I should have been a source of strength for you.

“When you asked me that night why I couldn’t just let you go, I answered you as honestly as I could. You matter to me, Willa. I chased you not as a Jedi, but as a friend. You matter to me, in more ways than one, I realized that night. I didn’t want you to fall, to go where I couldn't follow. So I chased you, pursued you, to let you know that you won’t ever be alone - that you didn’t have to be alone. You matter to me, Willa. You always will.”

Haldir lowered his head and met her gaze, lips curving into his most vulnerable, most gentle of smiles, full of understanding and warmth and honest acceptance. Though he wished to elaborate on why exactly she would always matter to him, he kept those unspoken words and feelings to himself for now. Out of respect for her wishes; out of respect for her.

”I can’t say I forgive you so readily. I need time to reflect upon these feelings, these experiences you’ve shared with me. I want to be able to forgive you not simply because it’s the right thing to do, but because I want you to truly believe it.”

The hand beneath hers finally moved, carefully threading their fingers together slowly, giving her the chance to retreat if she so wished. But if Willa allowed him, Haldir would then shake the hand he was holding once, as if the two of them were meeting for the first time.

”I trust you, Willa. So, yes, I’d like that. To start again as friends.”

If that was her wish, who was he to deny her?

@Killa Ree

 

[Willa Kanz]

Once upon a time, even the thought of holding his hand would have sent her heart racing, but now... it was a welcome warmth. Feeling his fingers tentatively lace with hers, she gave his hand a light squeeze of affirmation, listening to his words, wincing at his mention of music. True, the anonymous sanctuary of her music was now stripped away, but... the hurt of that was eclipsed by Justicar Hera's accusations, and the pain of her own feelings being warped in such a way that made her feel like she had committed a great sin. And perhaps it was; those budding emotions, as bright as they were, weren't appropriate for the role Haldir was filling in.

She had had time to contemplate that as well.

She remained silent as he continued, and a twinge panged her heart at his smile. Seeing him like this, so open and honest, hurt all the more with knowing she hurt this man with her words and actions.

I will have to apologize to Hera soon too, she contemplated, but that would be for another day.

Perhaps at one point, she was sure of her feelings; surging ahead recklessly, blurting out what came to mind first. But this would not work any longer. If they were to move on together, she would have to start from the beginning.

And if there was more to this than care and empathy, she would have to see what to do from there.

At his affirmation to start again, she beamed at him, and through the Force, a warm emotion bloomed up; joy. Subdued compared to her previous, almost explosive emotional outbursts, she felt a different warmth also bloom in her chest, tingling at the back of her throat and shoulderblades, such a strong feeling that she almost felt like she couldn't speak.

Start again. Fresh slate.

Shaking his hand in return, she cleared her throat, lightly squeezing her hand with his own. Friendship... while she figured out her own feelings regarding him. If they were anything more than just a previous infatuation with her savior, or something else.

"Thank---"

The words caught in her throat again, and she cleared her throat again, shocked at the prickle of tears in her eyes. One tear rolled past, and she hurriedly brushed it away, giving a short chuckle.

"Thank you, Haldir." Lowering her hand, she looked up at him with a grin, cocking her head. "Well then. Want to try to have caf again? And tell me about what I missed."

@Forsythe Crowholde

 

[Haldir Eressëa]

He felt her joy before he could see it sparkle in her eyes. The feeling, the sight, brought back memories of their first official meeting as Master and Padawan, specifically the moment he asked her about music. That moment, that beginning, had long since passed and the new one they were starting to forge brought Haldir a sense of calm he hadn’t felt in quite a while. He took a step back in the Force, giving her space to process her emotions without the lingering presence of even the most respectful of audiences. At the same time he would gauge his own, the smile on his face widening a little at the discovery that he felt the same.

Her words were caught in her throat but he understood her nonetheless. If anything he should be the one thanking Willa for this opportunity to see her again. He should be the one thanking her for giving him the chance to apologize to her. So when she shook his hand in return and thanked him, Haldir allowed himself a quiet chuckle charged with gratitude and relief.

”Thank you, Willa.”

He needed to say it, too.

He watched as she chuckled, her hand rising to hurriedly brush away a stray, stubborn tear that rolled down her cheek. The sight should have brought back memories of her crying that night, but Haldir knew better than to let this moment be stained by memories of his own weakness he had displayed when confronted by needless and baseless accusations. Instead he focused on the present, on what was truly important.

His smile turned into a boyish grin at the mention of giving caf another go, hints of light pink dusting pale cheeks and the tops of his ears with mild embarrassment.

”Yes, please, thank you,” he replied, looking away briefly to rub the back of one hand over one eye when warmth prickled it. Despite him passing out earlier it was still not enough to be called proper rest - no, it wasn’t even qualified to be called one. ”I promise I won’t pass out this time.”

Though he passed it off as a joke the Arkanian Offshoot still felt snatches of embarrassment warm his face at what had transpired earlier. Shaking his head, the Knight rose to his feet with a quiet grunt before offering his hand to Willa. Should she take it he would help pull her up and let her hand go. With a bit more confidence in his steps he would walk beside her back towards the makeshift kitchen. This time, however, Haldir took the initiative and prepared his own cup.

”Do you want a cup, too? Or water?” he asked as he dumped three teaspoons of sugar in his caf. ”I would’ve offered tea, but it’s in my ship…”

Having finished preparing the caf, Haldir turned to face her, hip lightly resting on the table’s edge. He blew on the steaming liquid first before hazarding a sip or two.

Filling her in on what she missed, Haldir went for the most important news first. With a proud smile he told Willa,

”Elidan has risen to Knighthood.”

And the knighting was well deserved, too. Although he had been the half-Annfyn’s mentor, the reason for Elidan’s rank-up was more due to the red-haired Jedi’s efforts rather than Haldir’s teachings. Long before he accepted the young man’s hopeful question about taking the latter as his Padawan learner, Elidan had already proven himself capable. Still, the Arkanian Offshoot couldn't help but feel proud. He was looking forward as to what kind of Knight Elidan would be, but Hadir was sure that he would be a good one - better than the usually masked Jedi, he wouldn’t be afraid to wager.

”Hera is now part of the Council,” Haldir continued, a thoughtful expression crossing his face as he listed off noteworthy events that transpired during Willa’s absence. ”From what I’ve heard, a dialogue was held between the ISC president and members of the Council including the Grandmaster herself. And the ISC president’s son is currently a Padawan of the Order.”

He paused, brows slightly furrowing as he tried to think of other goings on in the Order. But he was, himself, almost as clueless as Willa given how he focused on missions away from Jedi-friendly worlds. The schism within the Sith Order, though a newsbreaker, had become old rather quickly - to the Arkanian Offshoot, anyway. It was only a matter of time before another Dark Lord would rise and rebuild the Order Altair Din’s Empire had toppled. Same old music, but a part of Haldir still hoped that it wouldn’t come to that.

”The Order is currently focusing on Killik investigations. I’ve chosen assignments on the Outer Rim and neutral worlds, so most of the time I’m in isolation and in communications blackout.” Haldir smiled and shrugged. ”I’m sure I probably missed as much as you.”

It didn’t help that he continued to have a penchant for refusing to verbally speak when he didn’t feel like it. Even more so working in solitude.

Should I tell her that Good Night, Moon is still around and somewhat active?

The Knight shook his head at the thought. There were more important matters to discuss. His career as an anonymous singer/songwriter was not one of those.

”What about you? How did your Trials fare?”

@Killa Ree

 

[Willa Kanz]

At his halfhearted joke about not passing out, she chuckled again, and gripped his hand, allowing him to pull her up back to her feet. Wincing at the pins and needles that prickled her legs in protest of the sudden movement, she paused long enough to breathe out the lingering feeling, stretching out on her heels while he spoke.

Seeing him move about so casually, talking to her like this, was a prickle of... something. Almost bittersweet, in its' own way. She had once fantasized about being able to be on the same level, to be looked at the way she was now... but it was so different now in so many ways. She still had so much to process, so many feelings that still needed to be sorted.

Genuine warmth suffused her face and brightened her one good eye when he mentioned Elidan's ascension; though she and he had only truly been together a handful of times, she still cared for the half-Annfyn like a younger brother.

"Just plain caf, please. I'm afraid I've lost some of my sweet tooth," she confessed, giving a sheepish grin. Though it hadn't been very long since her self-imposed isolation, it was long enough to realize that some of the things she clung to before were no longer necessary.

Knowing Hera's ambition, and remembering the Justicar's personality, she nodded, but didn't seem to react much. Though she had forgiven the woman on some counts, there were still some sore points that should be smoothed out eventually. But...

The trials.

She took a deep, slow breath, and lifted the fresh caf to her lips. The malty scent of the brew swirled about her senses, and for a moment, she closed her eyes.

Even though it had been a little while since the trials, they were vivid in her mind. Seeing Max and Crix, if only as her own interpretations in the Force, and saying goodbye, were the two most difficult and trying parts of her journey to knighthood. Letting them go, at first, felt like an open wound that would never heal, and under the heavy gaze of the Council observing her, it burned all the worse.

But like the phoenix, she came back from the ashes of her grief.

"...It was like losing them all over again," she finally spoke, her voice low, the words rippling the surface of the steaming caf. "Letting go of people you love, to release them to rest in the Force... it felt like my heart was breaking all over again." Though her voice trembled, her hands did not. Slowly, her eyes opened to him again, and yet, despite the tears shimmering in her eyes, he would see it.

A warm, slow smile, one unburdened by grief. Like the glow of a rising sun, or the distant glimmer of a newly-born star. "I felt like I had died many times over, facing those feelings. Fighting myself." Taking in a steadying, deep breath, she reached out her other hand, to slowly, hesitantly, place it on the table, palm up.

"But I faced it, and am finally free. I know now..." She set the cup down, still watching him. Would he grasp her meaning, if she spoke the way he did, with truths softly hidden in parables and phrases? "That clinging to the past is like a heavy chain. One I had carried for so long, believing that if I carried it, I'd justify outliving them with using my pain. But I was wrong." Her heart was quietly thundering in her chest; she took another slow, steady breath, looking him squarely in the eyes.

"I want a future, Haldir. I want to move on, to embrace those I love without the fear of loss. Because we were always right; death isn't the end, but another beginning in the living Force. And no matter what happens, I know I'll see those who were in my heart again. I want you in that circle... if you don't think I'm being too forward."

She wasn't sure yet of her full feelings, but she knew that clinging to the past wouldn't do them any good. She wanted to move forward with him, with whatever capacity it would take, until he could fully forgive her.

She would wait for him, no matter how long it took.

@Forsythe Crowholde

 

[Haldir Eressëa]

There was a sense of calmness, of peace, in talking to her so freely like this. They had been open with each other in the past, and yet there were things that they kept to themselves and that was alright. Hearing her talk about her Trials, of her struggles with grief at losing the ones she loved… in a way Haldir could relate to Willa, having lost his other half - his older twin brother - only recently. The pain of loss still stung, and Haldir wasn’t sure if it would ever disappear.

Unlike Willa, he was still in the process of letting Hyarantë go. When he would be able to, he had no idea. The older Erennor was practically the half of Eressëa's soul, after all. And wasn't their disconnect the reason he bore this name, the Lonely Isle, from the old bedtime books they used to read at night when they were little kids?

Looking at her, the Knight was momentarily stunned by the warmth and sincerity in her smile - how it spoke the truth in her words. Though a hint of sadness laced the tears in her eyes, her resolute acceptance and sincerity buried the former in a landslide. She had achieved a freedom he realized he wanted for himself as well - a life unburdened by grief over the loss of someone he so dearly loved and feared at the same time.

Clinging to the past is like a heavy chain.

Though he had broken from the family tradition, Haldir remained shackled over a dead brother’s unspoken apologies. And that was where he stopped relating to Willa’s plight. She had freed herself from her grief whereas he remained tethered.

Still, he wouldn’t talk about his own anomalies; he couldn’t, at least not yet. They were something he needed to process and fix himself first and foremost. He wouldn’t needlessly burden her with them, or anyone else. Not when he wasn’t even ready to admit to them out loud.

He looked at Willa, pale blue eyes painted with an emotion so unlike envy. Was it longing, perhaps? A desire to achieve what she had learned and gained from facing her sorrows?

The emotion was gone as soon as it appeared, though, washed over by genuine surprise and hope when she spoke of wanting him to be in the circle of people in her heart whom she knew she would see again after the mortal End. His heart thumped against his sternum, beats drumming loudly in his ears he was sure she would hear if she stood close. Wide eyed he cast his gaze between her open, waiting hand and her face.

Slowly, Haldir set his cup down, one hand resting palm down on the table and mere inches from her own. Unable to hold her gaze - out of shock, or out of gratitude - the Arkanian Offshoot stared at his own hand, fingers curling slightly inward to stop them from trembling.

No one… no one else had told him those words. No one else other than Muse, no one else other than Rudra. No one else other than Hasebe and Hyarantë even if they were not as touched by the Force as he was. He had wronged Willa, they had wronged each other, and yet here she was.

She wanted a future, and she wanted him in it.

His hand rose from its perch on the table, inched forward, and hovered inches above her open palm. Waiting as if she would change her mind.

She mattered to him. She always would, even if the growing feelings in his heart would or wouldn’t bear the name of that four lettered word that went far above empathy and care. Feelings he wanted- no, needed to be sure about, because going forward without properly learning them would be unfair and might hurt her again, and hurting her was something he had no desire of doing again.

Gently, his hand finally settled atop hers.

Thank you, Willa. It means a lot to me. But…

”Only if…” he swallowed the lump in his throat, lifting his gaze to look at her with a hopeful smile. ”Only if you want to be in mine.”

@Killa Ree

 

[Willa Kanz]

Dimly, she was aware of someone's heart thundering. Was it hers, or his? Did it matter?

The wait was agonizing. To watch his expressions flicker over his face in rapid succession; was he aware that, without his mask, his features were so vulnerable? Her heart ached at his expression of longing; another feeling flickered behind it, but was gone befre she could even think to ask of it. Grief?

She watched his hand tremble, as if afraid. She couldn't blame him, not really, especially after what she had done to him. She wasn't even sure if she deserved this kindness.

When his hand slowly settled on hers, she let out a slow, quiet breath, looking up at him. Keeping her breathing shallow, as though he was a Kath hound, soon to spook at the slightest wrong movement. His smile, hopeful, gentle, threatened to undo her, and she swallowed, clasping his hand between both of hers as she offered him a small, warm, grateful smile.

"You know? I would love that, Haldir."

She wasn't sure what this would mean going forward, but perhaps... in time, they could learn together what these feelings were. If something beyond friendship, or anything else, they would have to see. But she knew already, long ago, that he was in her heart. Now, she had only to figure out how to pursue them going forward.

@Forsythe Crowholde

 

[Haldir Eressëa]

His hand finally caged hers, fingers carefully wrapping around hers. When her free hand settled atop his, Haldir had to fight the urge to reciprocate. Instead he lifted his free hand and placed a palm over his sternum, against the heart that thrummed with happiness, gratitude, and contentment at Willa’s response to his own hopeful inquiry. Head lightly tipping in an appreciative half-bow at her, acknowledging her answer with the same amount of respect he held for her.

Although the outcome of this meeting was something he did not fully expect, part of him that wished to make amends with her and reconnect with her brought peace and clarity to the Arkanian Offshoot. For the first time since she disappeared, since that night, Haldir felt that he could finally begin to let go of the grievances he’d received, and maybe even the blame he assigned himself for Willa’s withdrawal from the Order out of grief. It would be one hell of a process, but at least - he realized - he was beginning to acknowledge that clinging to his faults (perceived or not) would not help him face the future.

Once upon a time, he took on the duty of mentoring two Padawans whom he knew would teach him a thing or two about life or what it meant to be a Jedi just as much as he would teach and guide them. Though a Knight herself now (and he was so proud, exceedingly so, as much as he felt for Elidan’s achievements), Willa proved that he had indeed learned something from her - something important that prompted him to change for the better, to learn from his past, his grief, his fears.

Shoganai.

But right now he had a choice to make: to remain as he was, or move forward, to change for the better, with her. With his remaining brother and only supportive cousin. With his friends, no matter how few.

”At the risk of sounding like a broken record, but…” he began after a moment of silence, as he pondered about the opportunity he was given, still smiling at Willa as he slowly - as if hesitantly - untangled his hand from hers, ”Thank you, Willa.”

His gaze lingered on her, not realizing that the softness in them remained, a gleam of fondness. But when he looked away she would be able to see hints of red beginning to dust his cheekbones, and the way the smile on his face shone brighter than earlier. Haldir picked up his cup and sipped at his caf, if only to hide the bashful expression that slowly took over him.

He couldn’t keep his gaze away for too long, however, as an idea flashed in his mind.

”I’ll be headed to Noe’ha’on soon to investigate rumored Killik Joined appearances in a village there. The task requires two or three Knights to investigate… you can join me, but only if you’re willing.”

Whatever her response would be, he would accept. He would reach out to the Order to confirm that he would take the mission, alone or not.

@Killa Ree

 

[Willa Kanz]

He looked so adorable, so lovable in that moment when he turned away, she couldn't help the slight smirk that tugged at her lips. She had the impish impulse to kiss him then, but... it was still too soon, and it would be taken the wrong way. Was there a wrong way, really? a quiet voice murmured in the back of her mind, but she brushed it away, flushing as well to take a deep drink of her own by now lukewarm caf.

But at the question of joining him on a mission, her heart soared. The thought of fighting side by side with him again, to protect his back as equals, had its' merits.

Smiling, she lowered her caf, and winked with her good eye.

"Sounds good. I need to leave my cave once in a while, anyways." She didn't have to disguise the fondness, the gentleness in her eyes. She couldn't hide it anymore, even if she wanted to. This man... despite everything being so twisted, became right again. All would be well.

Shoganai.

@Forsythe Crowholde

 

[Haldir Eressëa]

The smile on his face widened when she accepted his invitation. A low, amused chuckle slipped past the Arkanian Offshoot's lips, one hand rising to press a finger to his lips and returned her wink with a somewhat teasing one.

"Well, if going on a mission was the only way to get you to leave your cave, then I guess I have to ask you out more often," he told her with a boyish smirk.

Still, all sense of playful smugness almost flew out the window at the fondness in her eyes, directed solely at him unless there was someone else in the temple that he couldn't see. It was enough to send his heart racing again, and while it still confused him a little, this sudden effect she had on him, the Knight had thankfully managed to hide the new wave of crimson that painted his face.

Something had definitely changed now, and instead of feeling apprehensive all Haldir felt was the desire to see where this something would eventually lead the two of them.

"Pack your things, Knight Willa Kanz. We're leaving soon."

In the back of his mind, the beginnings of a new song floated, waiting to be written and sung.

Ask me why my heart’s inside my throat…

[End Thread]​

@Killa Ree