An Unexpected Encounter OOC

[Nephill Kilner]

Protector orientation/training thread.

IC: http://www.thestarwarsrp.com/forum/showthread.php?46899-An-Unexpected-Encounter

 

[Nephill Kilner]

Alice quickly departed the shuttle she was in and landed on Concord Dawn. She looked around the Spaceport not impressed but she walked out of the shuttle nice and calm and proceeded to change her form while no one was looking too her normal one. She made sure her gear was ready and she proceeded to wait for a speeder too take her to the capital. While she was waiting keeping a careful eye out for pursuers her thoughts drifted to her escape.

When she heard the news that she will not become a Sith, but be married off too a man that she never met and is thirty years older then her she was enraged. She tried to convince her father too rescind the marriage but too no avail. So the next week she grabbed a 1,200 credits and payed for a shuttle ride to Concord Dawn. She read about the Mandalorians and spoke their language so maybe she will be allowed to join. Also the pursuit of glory and honor, making a name for herself seemed to much too be true.

The main issue I would point out so far with your writing is your grammar - I can see the ideas you're trying to convey, I just feel like you need to slow down a bit and proofread your work. Read it aloud if it helps; might seem ridiculous, but once spoken, one can easily determine if a sentence sounds funny. Vary your pronouns and verbs to avoid repetition; in fact, try to structure your sentences to avoid overuse of pronouns/nouns at all if possible.

Additionally, I like your use of varied vocab and character details. In short, you have plenty of potential - we just have to work out those pesky grammar snags :)

If you need any clarification, feel free to ask of course :) I'll try to include examples of the above in my post.

 

[Jason Vaiken]

Ew grammar yeah I usually re-read and fix it but I have been extremely lazy recently. I will fix it ASAP, also what do you want me too do.

 

[Sisk_Renelo]

Neph, until you get her to the Brave Blood, you and Nike are in charge. Lets get Jason up to Protector Spec.

 

[Nephill Kilner]

Neph, until you get her to the Brave Blood, you and Nike are in charge. Lets get Jason up to Protector Spec.

Sounds good.

Dancer, go ahead and continue the RP after Nike posts - I figure that we can do a learning as we go approach :)

 

[Jason Vaiken]

Remember you do not know I am a shapeshifter. Also she is expecting people to drag her back too her father she might not be happy too see you.

 

[Sisk_Renelo]

I thought you were gonna make it a tough capture, not jußt walk up and say hello.

 

[Jason Vaiken]

Don't worry I plan on testing them. :CHappy

 

[Nike]

>_> I have a feeling Zara isn't going to like this...xD

 

[Jason Vaiken]

Her punches are like getting hit by metal girders. Next she is a Force Sensitive. Not a good combo eh?

 

[Sisk_Renelo]

If you liked it, you wouldn't be doing your job. But you're gonna kick some ass and take some names.

 

[Jason Vaiken]

Surprise is more important than strength.

 

[Nike]

@Sisk :P

@Jason Pfft. She's going up against two of the finest Mando Cabure, she's gonna need more than surprise and force powers to beat 'um XD

 

[Sisk_Renelo]

Plus, you have any idea how many stun weapons they're kitted out with? You throw a punch they basically taser you. Disrupt all those fun electrical impulses.

 

[Jason Vaiken]

Don't worry other evil plans set up I need to Skype with y'all though. Also surprise can help change that I can blast one of u into a building while I kick your footing out and pommel slam you, blunt force against armor is always good.

 

[Nike]

Well, I'm on Skype now if you want to chat

 

[Jason Vaiken]

More importantly I am not going to attack you guys I'm going to fuel one of you. Something you can't say no to otherwise you will look weak.

 

[Nike]

You mean like provoke to fight without throwing a punch? I don't want to speak for Neph, but I really don't think that'd work on either of them.

 

[Nike]

Alice saw tell interesting figures depart from a hangar, two Mando's. In fact, they seemed to be pissed off at each other so Alice walked up to them to introduce herself.

"Hello, my name is Alice Vaiken and I am interested in joining you. What a'litt do you belong to?" Direct and to the point these are Mandalorians. They don't like to beat around the bush. She stood straight and loses but in a smooth motion loosened her vibroblade from its sheath and placed a hand on it. "I hope my father didn't send you for I told him that unless he rescinds the marriage I will never return."

So I guess its my turn to do this. I'm not as good at this as Neph, so bear with me. Rather than try and put into words your grammar and spelling mistakes, I just went ahead and fixed them. Probably didn't catch them all, but my own grammar isn't the best. You can see my changes in bold. For the more part they're simple typos, from posting on your phone I imagine, (My phone posts are horrendous >.<) but they're still something you should fix asap so that your meaning gets across clear. Do you have Microsoft Word? Running your post through a spell/grammar check will really help.

From an RPing standpoint, I have a couple pointers. One, don't be afraid to dig down into what your character is feeling, show how they're mentally reacting to whats going on around them. For instance, what are her emotions right now? Is she nervous, confident, frightened? What does she think of Concord Dawn or the people around her? I liked the part where she puts her hand on her weapon, it sends a clear message without you explicitly saying how she feels. Also, feel free to have your character misinterpret other peoples actions. YOU know that Neph and Zara aren't happy with each other, but Alice may think that they're in a hurry, or one of them really has to use the bathroom or something. When people aren't working off the same interpretation it can led to conflict, and conflict is where the interesting stuff happens. That's just my two cents. Now lets keep this thread going =)

Quick question, does Alice know that some Protectors are swinging by to pick her up? Or are we going off info that a former Imp is on the planet seeking refuge?

 

[Jason Vaiken]

She has no clue but she does believe that her father will be sending people after her. Also she wants to join the Mando's so she will ask around. (She doesn't look like a fighter. So you can try to test her.)

(Picture credited to Amok)