Ando Huntre

Ando Huntre

SWRP Writer
Joined
Jun 28, 2012
Messages
55
Reaction score
0
attachment.php
NAME: Ando Huntre
FACTION: New Jedi Order
RANK: Initiate
SPECIES: Human
Homeworld: Coruscant
AGE: 19
GENDER: Male
HEIGHT: 6'
WEIGHT: 172 lbs.
EYES: Brown
HAIR: Golden Blond
SKIN: White
CREDITS: 1,000
DISTINGUISHING MARKS: A scar from above his eye to his lower lip.
FORCE SENSITIVE: Yes


STRENGTH:
He used to hit the gym and weight room before everything happened. He also occasionally ran before. He is overall pretty strong.

DEXTERITY: He can be quick on his feet when he concentrates and tries hard for it. He could get better with training and work. Overall, he could improve a bit, but is alright.

CONSTITUTION: He doesn't get sick often and he can take a lot of pain before giving in. He is weak at being persuaded, however. Overall, a semi-good constitution, better than some and worse than others.

INTELLIGENCE: He is a listener and a thinker. He took several classes in school when younger, but currently lacks current events knowledge. He knows a little bit about fighting knowledge and quite more about other subjects. Overall, like everyone, he could always learn more, but he knows quite a bit.

WISDOM: He is not the wisest, not too wise at all really. Overall, He should learn wisdom.

CHARISMA: He isn't the greatest at influencing others, but he can use basic manipulation techniques. Overall, He could improve quite a bit.

FORCE POWERS:
None

LIGHTSABER/SWORD FORMS:
None

STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES:
Works good with tactics from playing many games when smaller, but vengeful as well which can lead to trouble for him. He is too quick to judge and isn't very trustful of others.


GEAR:
He holds a concealed combat knife, an old blaster rifle, an advanced wrist computer hidden under his cloak on his arm, a pouch full of credits, and the clothes on his back (which is a simple, basic armor plated shirt, shorts, a cloak, boots, and a pair of googles).

DROIDS:
An old R3 unit he recovered from his home, named Iom. He does not know much other than the name and type of droid it is as he has only recently received it.


PERSONALITY: (Caution: Spoiler Alert- You may wish to read the biography first.)
Ando is generally seemingly calm. He is truthfully very cautious of others and watches every move they make. He is a bit rude at times and a bit stubborn. He can be a great guy however. He is quite suspicious of shady people. He is quiet around most people, but once he knows you, he will be fine talking.

Ando used to do a load of things before his parents were killed. He used to play many games which strengthened his mind. He enjoyed his workouts and getting stronger. He likes watching fights, but dislikes torture, he believes it to be cruel. He trained with the weapons he had during the time period of getting the weapons and heading out to find Rosahn. He is interested in joining the Jedi and hope that they can help him find his place. *Now, much is different, he is still the same Ando, but is now also a new person.

BIOGRAPHY:

Ando Huntre was born on the planet of Coruscant to two human parents as their first and only child. It was a normal life. He went to school, played, and grew up. It was only 'til*he grew up when his life changed. He was a sweet little boy that had a similar life to normal kids, but it would change. He got into drugs and involved in crime. He was seventeen when it started to happened.

Walking home from a nearby gym, He met a Rodian by the name of Rosahn, a drug dealer. He was offered drugs, took them, and it took a turn for the worse. Rosahn had gotten Ando hooked on simple and smaller drugs at first and then Ando moved onto bigger and more dangerous drugs. He needed more money, so he stole from his parents to get what he wanted. They eventually found out and got Ando help before he could harm himself. He was on them for about a year until his parents hired a special doctor to help Ando become sober. After months and months of work, it helped. It was hard at first, but with the help it grew easier after time.

He got off them and became sober, but the dealer got into contact with him and said that Ando owed him credits. He was done with him and his drugs, so he sent him off. Weeks later, Rosahn showed up with a band of mercenaries. They were all armed. They barged into the apartment, killed his parents in front of him while four large mercenaries held him down, took what they could find, and ran off. Rosahn went up to Ando before they left and told him that he had until his birthday to pay them back and that this was a lesson.

Ando had only two weeks before his eighteenth birthday. He had owed a drug dealer nearly two thousand credits. He was angry with those creatures. He wanted them all dead, but wanted that worm to himself. He wanted vengeance, and he would take it. He searched his house for what he could find. He found a combat knife in his mother's dresser, an old blaster rifle in his father's closet. The knife was probably used in place of other items to defend one's self. The blaster was obviously old and worn from older generations passed on to him.*He continued his search and *in the kitchen's closet he found a note. It was from his parents, it was his birthday present from them. It told him to search the apartment three floors below theirs, it had a key. Ando went down to the room and opened it. Inside the room, he found an R3 unit named Iom, a personal wrist computer, one thousand credits, and a pamphlet about the Jedi. A note there said "We love you!". He needed time to think.

He waited and waited until it was the day. He was ready to confront the creatures. He worked on his aim with the blaster as he could and worked with the knife all while the days went by. At a shooting range to his own home he worked on these combative skills. He also thought on the recent days. His parents wanted him to go to the Jedi? He thought about this hard and that perhaps they can help him. It was the only thing really to do now. He went to the streets of Coruscant while leaving his droid away in safety. He knew Rosahn would find him when it was time, he knew what was going to happen. In front of him, Rosahn appeared from the darkness with several mercenaries, and behind Ando, even more mercenaries appeared. He was ready for this, it was what he practiced for. There were only about seven in all, not including Rosahn. Most of the mercenaries appeared Human or Twi`lek, probably trying to get a simple job, looked like they were new to the business. Now all he wanted was the death of the one, he didn't care what happened next; but if he survived he knew where he would go.

The drug dealer held out his hand and said two words "my credits". Ando brought up his rifle and shot Rosahn square in the face, dropping him there. "You all killed my family, prepare to die." Ando only had those simple words. He shot two of the mercenaries as quickly as he could, and ended up hitting one in the chest and one in the thigh. He turned around and nailed one right in the teeth, and then the same mercenary that had charged in the face with the butt of the gun. The rest of the mercenaries scattered, running off away from the scene. Either scared to die, or didn't like how the mission wad turning out. They didn't expect the resistance. They were hired as number and not quality.

A large hairy figure, a Wookie, remained in the street. It was many meters away, and it held a simple sword in its hand. It growled and charged at Ando. His parents had taught him about self-defence, living where they did. He also took a few classes about basic fighting. Caught up in his anger, Ando raised his blaster and shot three times. The first missed, the second hit its chest, and the third hit its leg. He dropped the rifle and pulled out the knife and dodged the weakened Wookie's attack by ducking under a horizontal swing, stabbed the arm that had the sword, then grabbed the sword and gripped it. The Wookie lashed its claws at Ando, leaving a large mark, a scar, about his eye, missing the eye, barely. Finally, he stabbed the creature in the chest with the sword and plunged it deeper through the chest after quickly feeling the sharp pain from the attack. Unknowingly, the Force aided him slightly, giving him the advantage over them. His life clearly wasn't over just yet.

They fell to the ground, Wookie on top. It was dead. Ando rolled the smelly, heavy thing off of him and ran over, after getting up off the ground, to Rosahn then crouched down next him him after retrieving his things. Ando could still hear him breathing, so Ando finished him off after regaining control over a quick pain through his new scar. He fetched his droid and began heading to the Jedi on the planet wondering what and who may all be after him now, planet security or something like that. He decided that he would worry about it later. He took his droid, stole the dead Rodian's bike and took off. He had a while to think now. It had at least until morning. The Wookie, the Rodian, the mercenaries were all he could think of. His surprising combat skills and prowess saved him. He thought most the way there.

 
Last edited by a moderator:

Insanity

Lovely Night
SWRP Writer
Joined
Aug 15, 2011
Messages
4,191
Reaction score
0
Bit spare amidst details but a decent start. Might want to do some spell-check, too.

That said, the biography needs work.

Ando Huntre was born on the planet of Coruscant to two human parents as their first and only child. It was a simply normal life. He went to school and grew up. It was only 'till he grew up when his life changed. He got into drugs and involved in crime. *He was seventeen when all of this happened.

Good start. Maybe expand on his childhood and how he eventually ended up meeting the Rodian who got him hooked?

He met a Rodian by the name of Rosahn, a drug dealer. Rosahn had gotten Ando hooked on simple and smaller drugs at first and then Ando moved onto bigger drugs. He needed more money, so he stole from his parents to get what he wanted. They eventually found out and got Ando help before he could harm himself. He was on them for about a year. He got off them, but the dealer got into contact with him and said that Ando owed them credits. He was done with them and their drugs so he sent him off. Weeks later, Rosahn showed up with a band of mercenaries. They were all armed. They barged into the apartment, kill his parents in front of him, took what they could find, and ran off. Rosahn went up to Ando before they left and told him that he had until his birthday to pay them back and that this was a lesson.*

Bit of spell-check needed. Maybe add a bit more depth to the struggle he had to go through to get clean, the psychological trauma of his family's death, so on?

Ando had only two weeks before his eighteenth birthday. He had owed a drug dealer nearly two thousand credits. He searched his house for what he could find. He found a combat knife in his father's dresser, an old blaster rifle in his mother's closet, and in the kitchen's closet he found a note. It was from his parents, it was his birthday present from them. It told him to search the apartment 3 floor below theirs, it had a key. Ando went down to the room and opened it. Inside the room, he found an R3 door named Iom, a person wrist computer, and one thousand credits, and a pamphlet about the Jedi.*

Again, spell-check a bit. ^^

He waited and waited until it was the day. He went to the street of Coruscant while leaving his droid away. In front of him, Rosahn appears from the darkness with several mercenaries, and behind Ando, even more mercenaries appeared. The Drug Dealer held out his hand and said two words "my credits". Ando brought up him rifle and shot Rosahn square in the face, dropping him there. The mercenaries behinds him scattered, running off along with a few of the ones around the dealers.

Spell-check! The mix of past-tense and present-tense causes issues while reading it. Also, why would the mercs run off like that? No mercenary is that much of a coward.

A large hairy figure remained in the street. He held a simple sword in his hands. He growled and charged at Ando. Ando dropped the rifle and pulled out the knife and deflected the Wookie's attack and stabbed the creature int the chest. They fell to the ground, Wookie on top. It was dead. Ando ran over to Rosahn and crouched down next him him after retrieving his things. Surprised, the drug dealer lashed up with a knife and cut a gash on Ando's face, leaving a scar. Ando finished him off after regaining control over the pain. He fetched his droid and began heading to the Jedi on the planet.

Alright, decent, though how'd he learn to fight beforehand and avoid getting cut?

So, some run-on sentences and typos. I suggest also expanding on his attributes. Aside from that stuff... a good start.
 

Gaja

ItsAGajaThing
SWRP Writer
Joined
Apr 10, 2012
Messages
6,576
Reaction score
9
Generally a good start. I'd say expand the personality a bit, and run spell-check. Should be fine along with what Insanity Reigns pointed out. ^_^
 

Ando Huntre

SWRP Writer
Joined
Jun 28, 2012
Messages
55
Reaction score
0
Alright, thanks a lot! Attributes will be expanded as he trains and builds. The program I typed it on doesn't work very well, but it is free, so it doesn't catch much. Again, thanks, I will look through and try adding a bit of what you suggested and try eliminating typos, bad spelling, and the such.
And Gaja, I suck at the personality part, I'm suprised I even got that.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Gaja

ItsAGajaThing
SWRP Writer
Joined
Apr 10, 2012
Messages
6,576
Reaction score
9
Good man! After you're done editing, just apply for the Jedi, and Apollo will give the final verdict and all. Should be fine though.
 

Gaja

ItsAGajaThing
SWRP Writer
Joined
Apr 10, 2012
Messages
6,576
Reaction score
9
Ok, now it's time for some constructive criticism.

Overall, you're fine. The general make-up, such as Strength, Dexterity and all that jazz is fine. Same for Basic Info and Equipment. However I have to point out that you should add at least another paragraph to his personality. Talk about what Ando does in his spare time, what he likes, dislikes, does he have any interests or hobbies.

Now on to history, you fixed quite a bit of the mistakes, and reading through it I didn't spot any notable mistakes, though I didn't exactly look for any. However, I would like to point out a few things and they generally go for the last part of his biography. If he took out seven men (humans, twi'lek and the rodian), and surprised them and all. Ok I can buy that maybe some of them were scared, others were new, however you should elaborate on whether or not you character had any type of training with blasters before. That's just a suggestion but I feel it would be beneficial for the profile.

However this part here is a bit tricky. He defeated a Wookie? But while that is not impossible, he parried a full power sword attack with a combat knife? .... *le sigh* Ok I understand you wanted your character to have a moment of badassery here, getting revenge for his parents and all. But first of all you never said anything about your guy receiving training with a knife/sword either, was he aided by the force and also keep in mind that Wookies, despite being fur-balls are regarded are extremely strong. So conventionally your 170 pound, 19 year old, who by the way has no training in armed combat, would quite frankly be screwed. So to avoid heat from any of the other members, I would recommend editing that.

There are multiple ways to go about that. First, take out the Wookie part out completely, to me it seems like he's a bit in over his head but if you don't want to do that then we move on to option #2. Edit it, have your guy shoot it in the leg, the eye, the chest to cripple it before being all Matrix-y and taking it out. You can add that maybe he used the force to help him out, although it was completely by accident.

Other then that, you're good to go as far as I could tell. Don't take this as hating on you, I'm just being realistic, and I'm sure you'll find that a not even 20 year old kid would have a hard time against an armed Wookie the way you described it.

Also Apollo will be back tomorrow, or Monday on the latest, so he'll take a more detailed look on your profile then. Which gives you time to make some last minutes edits, but feel free to start RPing if you'd like and make the edits I named above. ^_^
 

Master Maverick

SWRP Writer
Joined
Jun 18, 2011
Messages
4,708
Reaction score
0
Haven't done this in a while, so bare with me.

I'm going to be a bit more picky than I might usually be, but don't take it personally. It's more me wanting to know more/get clarification on some things.

I'll go section by section.

So first, in the attributes (as the basic info is fine), I'd like to say that I'm glad you didn't use numbers. Personally, I hate it when people only put "#/10". This says little to nothing about the character as the whole thing is ambiguous and depends highly on the standard being used.
But anyway, They could be a little bit more specific overall. Perhaps compare him to something tangible; like strength to a wookie and dexterity to a professional acrobat (Twi'lek dancer...?). It would give us a better understanding. I would also like to point out something that pretty much everyone forgets/doesn't know; constitution is not only physical, but mental as well. How easily is her persuaded? How often does he change his mind on whatever issues?

In Equipment, you can just take out 'ship' and 'pets' if he doesn't have any. To me it just takes up unnecessary space and their easy to add in if/when he does get some. Also, you might want to describe the clothes he wears, or find a picture of it. Just gives us all an idea of his style and whatnot.

Skipping to achievements, same as I said above; you can take out the categories where he doesn't have anything unless you're planning on doing those in the near future. Otherwise it's just taking up space that otherwise doesn't need to be taken. Just my personal preference of course.

Now for Biography/Personality. I'm going to be really nit-picky, but I don't mean to be offensive. Even so, their just suggestions and don't really need to be changed.

It was a simply normal life
I would go with 'simply a normal life' or 'a simple, normal life'. Or something along those lines. (really doesn't matter though...)

It was only 'till he grew up when his life changed.
It's 'til. Till is a word in itself and you're shortening the word 'until', which only has one 'L'.

When the mercenaries killed his parents, I'm interested to know what was going on with Ando in that he couldn't do anything to stop it seeing as how they were killed right in front of him. I assume they held him down or something...

He was angry with those creatures, he wanted them dead, and to kill that bug himself, he wanted vengeance.
"He was angry with those creatures. He wanted them all dead, but wanted that worm to himself. He wanted vengeance, and he would take it."
Or something like that. Basically; too many commas.

He found a combat knife in his father's dresser, an old blaster rifle in his mother's closet, and in the kitchen's closet he found a note. It was from his parents, it was his birthday present from them. It told him to search the apartment three floors below theirs, it had a key. Ando went down to the room and opened it. Inside the room, he found an R3 unit named Iom, a personal wrist computer, one thousand credits, and a pamphlet about the Jedi.
How did he feel and what did he think about finding these items? Did he know his parents already had these or would he be surprised to find weapons in his parents' possession? Why would his parents have them in the first place? How did he feel about the birthday present and about their obvious want of him joining the Jedi?

He waited and waited until it was the day. He was ready to confront the creatures. He worked on his aim with the blaster as he could and worked with the knife all while he was waiting for the day to come. He went to the streets of Coruscant while leaving his droid away in safety. In front of him, Rosahn appeared from the darkness with several mercenaries, and behind Ando, even more mercenaries appeared. There were only about seven in all, not including Rosahn. Most of the mercenaries appeared Human or Twi`lek, probably trying to get a simple job, looked like they were new to the business.
There's a lot of 'waiting' going on here (use some other words. It gets a little redundant) and little explanation of what he's doing. You could go into depth about how and where he was practicing and how his improvement over that very short period of time was. Even more, his feelings about waiting; what he thought about and his desire to seek revenge (same as vengeance, the latter simply sounds better for a Jedi).
Also, I assume he was actively seeking out the Rodian. If so, you might want to clarify that, or dramatize it a bit more. When the Rodian appears, you could describe Ando's feelings/thoughts on it. Was he scared, anxious, annoyed, ready, etc.? How did he feel about the relatively large number of mercs that he knew were more than likely going to kill him? How confident was he in his combat skills? Did he think he would actually win or did he just want Rosahn dead?

The drug dealer held out his hand and said two words "my credits". Ando brought up his rifle and shot Rosahn square in the face, dropping him there. "You all killed my family, now guess what." Ando only had those simple words. He shot two of the mercenaries as quickly as he could, and ended up hitting one in the chest and one in the thigh. He turned around and nailed one right in the teeth, and then again in the eye with the butt of the gun. The rest of the mercenaries scattered, running off.
The mercs would see he's armed; were they ready for a fight or found it humorous that a boy thought he could fight them? I assume that Ando's attacks shocked the mercs which is why they fell so easily. However, you could describe the final 2, as the last one obviously charged. Also, why would the others run off (obviously this isn't what they signed up for and weren't about to get killed)? How did they run off? Did they pause, look at Ando in fear before running or just ran off without warning? Also, you could add where they ran off to, if you wanted. Not necessary, but adds a bit of depth.

A large hairy figure, a Wookie, remained in the street. It held a simple sword in its hand. It growled and charged at Ando. His parents had taught him about self-defence, living where they did. He also took a few classes about basic fighting. *Caught up in his anger, Ando raised his blaster and shot three times. The first missed, the second hit its chest, and the third hit its leg. He dropped the rifle and pulled out the knife and dodged the weakened Wookie's attack by ducking under a horizontal swing, stabbed the arm that had the sword, then grabbed the sword and gripped it. Finally, he stabbed the creature in the chest with the sword and plunged it deeper through the chest.*
How far away was the wookiee? Would it be feasible to get three shots off during the wild charge of a wookiee, which is nothing to sniff at, even for a seasoned Jedi Knight/Master? How did he feel during the charge? I guess he didn't flinch or pause?
I would suggest moving the bit about taking self-defense classes towards the beginning so it doesn't look like you just slapped that in there to cover the bases and make it realistic that he'd have some sort of knowledge and skill in wielding the weapons.
Also, just curious; what's up with the asterisks?

They fell to the ground, Wookie on top. It was dead. Ando rolled it off of him and ran over, after getting up off the ground, to Rosahn then crouched down next him him after retrieving his things. Ando caught by suprise, the drug dealer lashed up with a knife and cut a gash on Ando's face, leaving a scar. Ando finished him off after regaining control over the pain. He fetched his droid and began heading to the Jedi on the planet wondering what and who may all be after him now, planet security or something like that. He decided that he would worry about it later. He took his droid, stole the dead Rodian's bike and took off.
How did Ando feel about killing a wookiee and its dead body laying on top of him? The smell of the long fur, the weight of the body, about killing such a beast without even getting hurt? After getting out from under its bulk, did he look down upon it, and around him, to witness his work or was he in a daze, detaching himself from what had happened?
'his things' being Rosahn's? Right?
Describe in more detail the wound he got from the Rodian; how it happened, why he couldn't get up and kill Ando, anything he might have said. Also, the ordeal of being scarred for life; did Ando think about that as he recovered from the cut? What did he do in reaction to it; back up, fall and scramble away? How surprised was he by the attack? Finally, how did he finish Rosahn off and how did he feel about it afterwards; that his past was now behind him and he was free to do as he wished?
The series of events of stealing the rodain's bike, getting the rest of his belongings and going to his new future could be dramatized in quite a bit of detail. What he was thinking about and, again, how he felt about the whole ordeal.

For Personality.

It's shady, not 'shaddy'.
How is he slightly strange to others? (who would 'others' include and in what ways would he be considered as such?)
The second part could be organized a bit better, in terms of chronological happenings being explained in more order without psychological tidbits being interspersed throughout. Also, some wordings used could be improved, but, again, it doesn't really matter so I'll just leave it at that.

tl;dr
A little more detail throughout and more explanation of his past as well as his feelings and thoughts during it.
 

Ando Huntre

SWRP Writer
Joined
Jun 28, 2012
Messages
55
Reaction score
0
The asterisks just pop up on my posts. I believe it was posting it from my word processor. I will begin working on these edits. Thank you for replying.

I finally have got to doing those edits now. I have done them and hope it was all.
 
Top