Ephiny's response to his query on violence left him... well, less confused, and yet at the same time his understanding hadn't improved at all. She'd spelled out the Jedi approach to violence-- that it was a last resort, done in the defense of those that couldn't defend themselves. That whenever they took life it was to preserve the lives of others. It was almost paradoxical, but it was similar to his justifications for why he wanted the Sith dead. It might be murder to kill a Sith, but if he was sparing the galaxy of another cruel, sociopathic monster supporting an authoritarian dictatorship's conquest of the galaxy, who gave a shit?
"...Ai think Ai understand." He'd reply, giving his teacher a nod. "Ya don't 'urt people cus ya wanna 'urt 'em, ya 'urt 'em cause it needs ta be done. Cus ya want ta protect people." He repeated. Still, there was conflict between what he felt, and the beliefs of the Jedi. "...but whenever Ai've fought Sith, Ai've wanted ta kill 'em. Ai've fought 'em ta take life-- theirs. Anyone else not dyin's just a bonus." He explained.
"...but th'at's just a tip toe towards tha dark side, ain't it?" He'd add, expecting Ephiny's reply-- and coming to the same conclusion she would. "Even if it feels right, it prolly felt pretty damn right when they glassed a fuckin' planet. Trustin' yer feelin's ta tell ya who deserves punishin's just a long descent inta becomin' a tyrant." He finished. "...fuck, this is gonna be an 'ard one ta get past." He'd confess. "Ai know it's wrong, but... Deus, Ai still can't 'elp but wanna punish those pieces of shite."
With that, Laeonas transitioned into the saber practice, and waited for his teacher's evaluation as he slowed down and finished. She pointed out his aggression, and for a moment, Laeonas was confused. Aggression? He wasn't angry, he'd just been practicing... like how he usually did. His practicing often involved visualization, putting himself into scenarios so he was more prepared. Invariably in those scenarios, he'd be fighting with the intent of causing harm.
"...Ai don't know 'ow ta do th'at." He answered. "Ai've fought laike this since Ai was a boy. It's... 'ard ta break th'at 'abit." He'd add. Excuses, and they weren't even that good. He had to think back to when he'd centered himself, found serenity-- when had he ever done that in combat?
He found his answer in an old memory-- a very old memory. The time he'd first held a lightsaber, he'd let everything else go, and moved without the influence of emotions. Yet letting go was different from how he'd tapped into the force as the Jedi wanted him to. This was... completely new to him. "...Ai need a demonstration." He declared. "Mae fightin' will be to fecked up if Ai've gotta rewrite everythin' Ai know from tha ground up."
@LouJoVi