Ask Yavin IV Deep Breaths

[Zerath Eblon]

Zerath Eblon had grown up quickly in the last month- he had lost his lightsaber on Lothal, taught his first class, dueled a Sith on Coruscant, and had taken on a Padawan learner. He'd spent much of the return trip to Yavin IV reflecting on the past month, noting that he'd changed almost as quickly as his life had. He'd had his fair share of growing pains, some with consequences that reached far beyond his own learning experience; he'd failed on Lothal, and now its peoples suffered under the boots of the Mandalorian Death Watch. The Sith he'd dueled on Coruscant was still at large. Most days, he felt like a poor teacher and mentor.

Yet, within those failures, he had found growth as well. Zerath was aware that he was tending to the Light of the Jedi Order in new ways; and now more than ever, he felt responsible for its direction and future. In the past month he'd been more intentional about interacting with initiates, Padawans, and Knights, doing his best to be present and approachable in the face of the ever-growing storms on the horizon; everyone needed a shoulder to lean on now and then.

That realization led him towards Grandmaster Voran's room not long after he'd landed, hoping that he'd arrived at an opportune time. Since taking on a larger role in the Jedi Order he'd noticed how much of a burden fell on the few leaders that were left, and he could only imagine the strain that the Grandmaster was under. She was the public face of the Jedi Order; its bastion, its defender, its figurehead, and guide. How long had it been since someone checked in on her?

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Alex rubbed the exhaustion from her eyes. What time was it? She tried to remember the last time she had slept…and failed. The Morellian Jedi had only just returned from her meeting with the Free Worlds Alliance. An agreement on a joint military exercise. There was more work to be done than hours in the day. She took a deep breath before plunging into the Force. The Light took away her aches, pains, and layers of exhaustion. When Alex breathed out, she was whole again. A voice in the back of her mind chided the choice. You only buy time…for real rest. She brushed the concern aside. She would rest when she could and returned her attention back to the holo.

A flick in the Force tickled her mind. Alex waved and the door to her office opened. “Zerath…come in.” She smiled at the young Jedi Knight. “We had word you landed but I thought you’d sleep first…you’ve more than earned it.” Zerath had been one of the many on Lothal. This was his first return to the Yavin Temple. “Sit sit.” She gestured towards the chairs.

“How is Zana?” Her memory was not as clear as it once was, but it remained fairly impressive. She smiled warmly at her guest. There were some parts of the job at which she still excelled.

@SlagathorTheUnknown

 

[Zerath Eblon]

Every step that Zerath took towards the Grandmaster's quarters felt like a step back in time; back to when he had been a Padawan himself and not a Jedi Knight. There was something about approaching Alex that never failed to make him feel like a youngling again, awash in the presence and knowledge of the Morellian Grandmaster. As the doors hissed open to reveal Alex, Zerath had to consciously remind himself that he was here to support her- not the other way around.

Try as he might, Zerath couldn't keep a wry smile from crossing his face at the mention of sleep. "There is no Rest; there is the Force" he replied, twisting the words of the ancient Jedi Code in jest. He did feel exhausted, but this was perhaps the one area that he wouldn't let Alex admonish him in. Although the Grandmaster looked refreshed and energetic, the nearby travel bag and her wrinkled robes spoke to another long journey. He was about to offer to return at a different time when she motioned for him to sit and asked about Zana.

Another smile crossed Zerath's face as he recalled his new Padawan learner, and he chuckled to himself. "Spirited. Talented. Stubborn, even; in other words, she'll make a great Jedi. I'll admit I was surprised when I heard that she was assigned to me, but it was a necessary step. If I'd waited until I was ready to take on a Padawan, I don't think I ever would've."

Although he viewed his surroundings through the Force and could "see" Alex perfectly fine regardless of which direction he was facing, he still made an effort to make eye contact by bringing his blindfolded gaze level with hers. "That's... why I'm here today, actually. Not about Zana. It's about me... and you."

Such was his respect for the Grandmaster that he paused to take a breath, leaving a long moment during which he gathered his thoughts. "I'm worried about you, Alex" he said finally, addressing her by name and not by rank; a sign of how serious he was. How long could she keep this up? "Every time I see you, you look...." He trailed off, wanting to say "older", but couldn't bring himself to. Not when her light still shone so brightly- but even the strongest Jedi needed to be supported at times. "I'm not ready, but I'm here. Where do you need help?"


@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

The Morellian Jedi listened carefully. She could see the undercurrents of Zerath’s thoughts. What was he building towards? Ah…then the question came. Concern not for his young student but for her. Alex was touched but what could she say? She was tried. She was pushing herself…because that was what the Order required. For a moment she thought of Max wandering of the Temple preparing for legislative hearings. That felt so long ago. She massaged her temples, smiling. “Oh dear, my wrinkles must be deepening.” She leaned back in her chair to meet Zerath’s gaze.

“We’re all stretched thin…” She shrugged. “My strain is no more than yours.” Alex tried to smile in a disarming manner. It wasn’t her best. “And you must not forget I am old.” There…that was a more natural smile. “The Force simply has a few extra challenges for me these days.” She had sought this burden. She had accepted the mantle on her shoulders. Alex would not complain…she would not accept anything less than full responsibility.

“We are on difficult path, Zerath…one with no easy end.” She sighed. “The Order has grown beyond what many of us ever expect but in that blessing there are perils. Our lives are not easy and even the best Jedi will be tempted by the easier path.” She had a similar conversation with the Justiciars. “I can fight a war. I’ve been prepared for that.” The Force had forged her for that purpose. “But I can’t watch over everyone. Lena and Tedimor are equally pressed.” Now Alex leaned forward. “We need guiding lights beyond this office.” She feared her example would not always be one to follow. She feared what the future may bring

@SlagathorTheUnknown

 

[Zerath Eblon]

Zerath did his best to give the Grandmaster his full attention, resisting the urge to let his mind drift in order to consider her thoughts. Her strain was significantly greater than his; there was no use pretending otherwise. And she was old, but not old old... her age was graceful in a way that conveyed experience, authority, and grace, not feebleness. Force willing, she would outlive him and continue steering the Jedi Order far beyond these dark times.

Still, her words were troubling. He thought he'd been prepared for war too, and then he'd been outmaneuvered by the Mandalorians on Lothal. Perhaps more concerning was that she didn't truly answer his question; at least not in a way he understood. In that moment, a silent struggle played itself out inside Zerath's mind: one side of him eager to step up, to help, to support... and the other side feeling completely unworthy of that trust. His lived experience was a drop in the bucket compared to that of Grandmaster Voran's, and he barely felt like a Jedi Knight some days.

Aware that Alex might be able to sense his turmoil, the Mirulakan decided to buy himself time with another question. "When did you know that you were ready for the position of Grandmaster?"


@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Alex laughed. A light and airy sound that filled her office. “I did not know.” She pushed her chair back and stood smoothly. Windows in her office overlooked the jungles. Instinctively her feet carried her to windowsill to look out. “I’m not sure anyone is ever ready…maybe the heroes of our Order but certainly not me.” Alex thought back to what had pushed her into deciding. She could reveal some without unmasking the Ifrane Temple. “I had a vision of my old Master. He passed a long time ago, but he stood there as solidly as if I was a girl again…and it was him.” The Force could play tricks and would play tricks, but this had been real.

“He reminded me of who I was and why I had become a Jedi. He showed me the losses we suffered were to prepare me for a great challenge…this challenge.” Alex turned back to face Zerath. “When I returned, I asked for the mantel of Grandmaster. I never wanted it…I certainly was not ready…am not ready…but the burden must be carried.” She waved a hand. “We all have burdens, Zerath. One is not great than the other. Mine just simply has a name.” A soft smile appeared on her face again. “And I have an immense amount of support.” The turmoil shifting in his mind washed across her senses. “You worry too much.” She raised a curious eyebrow.

@SlagathorTheUnknown

 

[Zerath Eblon]

Laughter.

A sweet, unexpected sound that Zerath had heard precious little of recently; like a plant amidst draught, the Grandmaster's chuckles fell like cool rain upon his ears. Even more surprising was Alex's admission that she hadn't felt ready for the office of Grandmaster- from Zerath's perspective it couldn't have been anyone else.

At least he felt somewhat comforted by her story; he wouldn't need to feel "ready" to take the next step in his journey as a Jedi, even as he came to the conclusion that now was not the time. Of that he now was certain- he still had too much to learn to even consider obtaining the rank of Master... but that didn't mean that he couldn't begin taking steps.

"Yes" he admitted, after Alex was done speaking. "I do worry too much, and mostly about other people. But I'd rather worry too much than too little. The Order and the Jedi within it are important to me, and I don't know how else to show that I care." His lack of physical sight had long since taught him to look beyond appearances and to dig deeper. Now, Alex had flipped the script on him, and he found himself confessing as honestly as he could the reasons for his visit; nothing new, perhaps, to one as insightful as the Grandmaster, but certainly more plainly put.

"It's difficult to see you and Lena and Tedimor alone shouldering the burden of the Council. I want to help, but I am not at the point where I could effectively serve on the Council. Instead, is there something beyond what I am already doing that I can assist you with? What kind of 'guiding lights' do you speak of?"


@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

“It’s not a criticism.” Her nodded her head slowly. “The best of us worry.” Alex’s dreams were filled with those concerns. “You’re right…it does mean you care.” She turned to look out the window again. “It is a burden we have all accept and we don’t walk that path alone. You all help us carry the load.” There were days…weeks…Alex felt very alone but those thoughts were her own. The truth was she trusted the Jedi she charged to lead. It was simply their lives were complicated by the darkness around them. “We have returned to an old tradition. The Justiciars.” Alex placed a hand on the wall as her mind wondered.

“Jedi to help other Jedi.” Now she turned again. “Our paths are not all equal and some struggle more than others. This is no weakness…but strength to admit those struggles. We should help carry those burdens.” The Justiciars had been her idea. A way to counterbalance the work of the Shadows. “Counselors and guides for those who need a listening ear.” Her voice lost of some of the air. “And a watchful eye for those who slip too far from the path.” The Force firmed in her mind.

“We trust our brother and sisters. I trust all Jedi. We must not be so foolish to ignore those who need us most. That is the role of the Justiciar to help all they can and to save those who are beyond our help.” She had not had to exercise those duties yet. She prayed she never would. Severus had been the closest and he had vanished…perhaps she should have acted sooner.

@SlagathorTheUnknown

 

[Zerath Eblon]

As Alex spoke, Zerath found himself agreeing with her; not just because she was his superior and mentor, but because it made sense. Several names popped into his head, almost unbidden- Laeonas... Arctus... Thelian... all Jedi who could use another resource. Heck, if Zerath was being honest with himself, there were times where he himself wanted a listening ear to talk to. Still, something nagged at the edge of his consciousness while he considered the Grandmaster's words... it was what she didn't say that concerned him the most.

"But what about you, Alex?" he asked, daring to give voice to his thoughts. "You easily see where others have needs that need to be met; but what about your own?" He hoped that he wasn't out of line, but the thoughts solidified in his head the more he considered them. "You are more than the Grandmaster of this Order... you are Alexandra Voran." Zerath's tone softened; had he gone too far? "I just don't want you to lose yourself along the way."


@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Zerath was a good soul. She could feel that in the Force. He wanted to help but there were secrets best kept to herself. Alex trusted every Jedi…they did not all need to know her heart. “The Force sets a different path for all of us.” She was quiet as she spoke. “But one constant remains. We all sacrifice so that life my go on.” Some were simply asked more than others. “I was more than this office. I accepted the burden when called by the Force. That is my sacrifice, Zerath.” The Force hummed with affirmation. “The same one Oota made.” She raised a hand to break off any retort.

“My job is simple. Stop the war, protect life, and see the Order remains despite it all. That is who I am.” A sad smile. “That is my life until the Force calls me home.” Eventually…the Force would call her home. Just as it had all those before her. She did not race towards that goal, but it did call to her. “Now, I think you have work to do. We need more Justiciars to guide the Order from within. I’ll be fine…I think I’m the least of our worries.” She smiled. The conversation was serious but Alex confined in very few these days. She had lost the luxury of those close friendships.

@SlagathorTheUnknown

 

[Zerath Eblon]

Zerath was hard pressed to keep his dismay from showing on his face; he'd come, asked questions, and had gotten answers... so why did he feel so disappointed? He agreed with the Grandmaster's suggestion that the Justicars were a valuable part of the Order and were well worth his time to look into... but Zerath slowly began to realize that he'd been given answers that were different than the answers that he had sought.

He'd come here hoping to ease Alex's burden, only to be rebuffed at every opportunity. He'd wanted to lend a listening ear, only to be reminded that the Grandmaster walked a lonely path; whether by necessity or stubbornness he couldn't tell. Alex seemed so confident, so certain, so immovable... Which one of us is truly blind? he wondered to himself, rising to excuse himself as he recognized the invitation to leave.

The Jedi Knight paused at the doorway, almost forgetting tradition. "Thank you for your time and for your advice. May the Force be with you, Grandmaster" he said, bowing respectfully in Alex's direction. The Force will be with you... and so will I he wanted to add, but didn't.


/ThrExit

@Valen Pelora