Ask Ziost Frozen Heartache

[Darth Tempest]

It had only been a day or two since the Imperial ball on Eriadu, and Vahliri hadn’t been able to find much rest since the incident. Regardless of high hopes, the night have proven to be nothing but heartache for the half-Annfyn, and almost half of that had centered around Varyn. She couldn’t help but wince as her mind traveled back to their exchange on the balcony - to the pain in his eyes, and the empty tone of his voice before he left. The simple truth was that Vahliri didn’t quite realize how deep her feelings for Altair went until that moment - until Varyn put them into words himself, but it made little difference.

She had hurt him deeply, and it was a fact that haunted her with every step through the Ziost Academy. Even if the half-Annfyn didn’t love Varyn the way he wanted her to, she cared about him deeper - deeper than few other people within the Empire. And no matter how much she wanted to run from it, nothing was going to prevent Vahliri from seeking him out to talk things through. Perhaps he would scream in her face, or wouldn’t wish to speak to her at all.. But it didn’t matter. Whatever his response, she wouldn’t run from it.

Vahliri didn’t have to guess where she might find Varyn - and didn’t attempt texting or calling him ahead of time. Instead, the half-Annfyn made her way towards the training yards of the Ziost Academy reserved for saber combat. She was dressed in a simple fur-lined coat and pair of jeans, while her black hair was left to cascade down to the center of her back. She carried a small box under her arm, wrapped in a cloth to keep it warm.

As she stepped into the training yard, Vahliri allowed her gaze to drift around the area - confident she would find Varyn nearby.

@Phoenix

 

[Varyn Atrix]

Pain shot through Varyn's back from where the training saber had struck. It was the most recent of what had to have been hundreds of hits he had taken like that over the past day. He needed an outlet... a way to clear his head and there was no better way to do that than to use all these feelings for something productive.

For him, meditation had always come with a saber in his hand. Even back to his days in the Jedi things just made more sense when he was holding a lightsaber. It really was an extension of himself. All the better that he could use his head-clearing to hone his craft. After all, he'd convinced the Ziost First Blade to give him a shot at a Blademaster position - against the Kaas First Blade's advice - due to the extraordinary circumstances and extraordinary casualties at Korriban. He wasn't going to squander it and that meant he needed to practice.

Again! he shouted as he pushed himself back to his feet. He was facing not one, not two, but three sparring droids at once, pushing himself to the brink until he was too exhausted to stand. Until he was so tired that the moment his head hit the pillow he couldn't help but sleep.

His sabers flashed back to life in his hands as he went again, cutting, thrusting, and parrying in a blinding flurry of movement. But... there were three droids and he only had two sabers. Even with his movements and parrying, they eventually found a gap. It was as he felled the first droid and landed a blow on the second that a blade from the third slammed into his back again and he was nearly knocked from his feet. His back spasmed and he grunted again as the droids stepped back. He was going to beat this exercise no matter how many times it took. It was a matter of pride at this point.

No matter how much he wanted to forget about what had happened at that accursed party, he couldn't. It just stuck in his mind like a song you couldn't clear from your head. It replayed over and over, that look in her eyes. The way she moved, the way she confessed the truth. He ran over what he could have said differently during their time together. What he could have done to win her over, but one simple fact was true: he just hadn't been enough. Like these kriffing droids, he just wasn't quite good enough. Yet.

Again! he growled, and the exchange began anew. He was so consumed in his thoughts and his work that he almost thought Vahl's presence approaching was just in his mind. After all, she'd certainly been on his mind.

When he was struck again, this time in the right side, and the droids came to a stop, he heard the door to the private training room slide open and he turned to look, a frank scowl on his face for being disturbed.

Vahl? he said, the scowl turning to frank surprise. He almost immediately began to try to shut down whatever wild feelings were threatening to burst up within him.

 

[Darth Tempest]

Vahliri knew exactly where she would find Varyn, and yet the half-Annfyn still couldn’t help but grimace when her amber gaze fell upon him. From a distance, she watched as he fought against the trio of droids - the flashes of his saber and those wielded by the Training AI casting brilliant glows of red against the snow. She didn’t have to guess that he was hurting, and had thrown himself back into training to cope with it. She didn’t have to guess that she was the one responsible for all that heartache he endured, and it caused bits of that pain to swell up once more in her chest.

For the faintest moment, the half-Annfyn couldn’t help but wonder if seeking him out was a mistake. If it was simply.. Better to keep distant. To allow matters to scar over until it couldn’t hurt either of them. It was a brief hesitation, and one that Vahliri quickly buried down into the darkest corners of her mind. She was stronger than that - and more importantly, Varyn deserved more than that.

The half-Annfyn swallowed the lump in her throat as she stepped into the private training room, allowing her gaze to linger on Varyn as she crossed the distance. “Hey,” She began, offering him the smallest hints of a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I.. Got you this,” The half-Annfyn patted the box in her arms, setting it down on a bench on the edge of the yard. If Varyn glanced inside, he would find a plate of grilled Garsmelt, veggies, mashed potatoes and gravy in a thermal container - meant to keep it still steaming hot and fresh during the walk through the academy yard. The only hints that Vahliri had painstakingly cooked it herself - going over a dozen different tutorials and recipes despite her lack of culinary knowledge - was the fact that the filets were far from perfect, and that the veggies were a bit closer to being ‘burnt’ than roasted.

It was the very same thing that he had ordered at that restaurant on Raxus, and one of the things the half-Annfyn was confident he liked.

Vahliri was silent for a long moment, her hands knitting together in the front of her lap. There was a part of her that wanted to avoid any and all eye-contact with Varyn, simply not wanting to see the emotions that danced behind his eyes. But she met his gaze anyway - slowly but surely coming to find the words. “I.. Wanted to talk to you. About the party. About us,” She wringed her fingers together, driving her fingernail into her hand as some silent distraction.

“I know I hurt you.. And I can’t do anything to take that back. You deserve better than what I was to you - and I am so, so sorry Varyn.” She was prepared for him to scream in her face and accost her for it. Perhaps that would’ve made her feel better anyway. And she was prepared for him to say nothing at all.

@Phoenix

 

[Varyn Atrix]

Varyn felt like that first moment of seeing her stretched on forever and he wasn't really sure how long they stood there like that before she moved. Even seeing her seemed to tear his heart open again, but he didn't say anything.

The sabers snapped out in his hands and were replaced on his belt as he waved the droids off and they returned to the sides of the room. He was silent as he watched her set the box down on a bench and he took a few steps over to look inside.

He didn't say anything but replaced the lid. The contents weren't lost on him by any means. He knew where she had learned of his taste for this, and as touching as the gesture was, it somehow only further wrenched at his heart.

Us? was the first word he managed to choke out. It had been made quite clear to him that there was no "us." He was a whirling pool of conflicting emotions. He could tell she was genuinely distressed, he could see the way her entire mannerisms changed. He saw a side of her he had never seen before, she was... vulnerable. She stood in front of him wringing her fingers, stumbling over her words, and at a loss. It was in complete and stark-contrast to the ever-confident woman he had come to know. Stubborn to the point of being frustrated, willing to dig her heels in for no reason, and never second guessing herself. He admired her for it, but there was something alluring about this as well. It was something she didn't show other people.

He cut the thought off because he knew where it would take him. He knew it would take him somewhere that would only lead to more open wounds.

For a very long moment, he stood silent because he simply didn't know what to say. There were a million things he wanted to say, to simply blurt out, and the one that prevailed over them all did flush him with anger.

You were in love with someone else the entire time we were... dating? Together? He didn't even really know the right word for it. They hadn't defined things, and it now became quite clear that they hadn't defined anything because he was just a bench warmer.

You just used me until Altair would take you back, he accused flatly. Tell me you wouldn't have immediately dumped me if he gave you the slightest hint of interest, he said. And that was the core of the issue. He felt used. A consolation prize for someone else, and that wasn't good enough. No matter what he felt for Vahliri, he couldn't be someone's runner-up. It wasn't enough for him.

 

[Darth Tempest]

Though she said nothing at first, Vahliri couldn’t help the way her fluted ears drooped downward - almost wincing as Varyn choked out those first, pained words. The love he had for her, the pain she caused - it was all more real in that moment than it had ever been prior to that point. It cut down to the half-Annfyn’s core and left her feeling utterly worthless, because it was the exactly same pain and inadequacy she’d felt before herself. She’d suffered that poison before, and had unwittingly inflicted it herself.

For a long moment, the half-Annfyn allowed her gaze to wander - flicking off around the training droids and weapons racks, anywhere but Varyn, really. Her fingers wringed together for a few seconds more, up until Varyn finally levied the accusation she knew was coming.

Only then did Vahliri glance back to him - her amber gaze fixed onto his own. Despite the desire to do so, Vahliri had no intention of running from or making excuses for herself. “I know that I hurt you, Varyn. That I fucked up, and you have every right to tell me to fuck off.” She exhaled through her nostrils. “But I never used you.”

The half-Annfyn chewed on her bottom lip for a long moment before she continue. “I’ve seen down that road with Altair so many times before, and it always ends the same way. After a while, I thought I knew what he wanted and what he didn’t, and I thought I had closed the door on it. That maybe I could move on, be happy with someone else. And that I was ready for.. Us.” Whatever they had. Something in its infancy, and that they’d never truly defined. Up until that point, Vahliri had fallen short of making it official or asking to be exclusive with Varyn - and it only really now became clear where that hesitation had come from.

“But.. Obviously I’m not.” Her gaze briefly flicked downward, fingernail driving a bit harsher into her own skin. “The truth is that I didn’t know I was in love with him. Not until that night.. And not until you spelled it out to me.” She shook her head a bit. “It doesn’t change my actions or how I’ve hurt you.. But none of it was intentional. You’ve never been an alternative or runner-up to me, and if we were together I wouldn’t have dumped you for him.”

The remorse was clear in her expression when she glanced up at Varyn. “I wouldn’t have started us on this path if I knew how I felt. I care about you, Varyn.. And I never wanted to hurt you.”

 

[Varyn Atrix]

But we weren't together, were we? he snapped, a little bit more harshly than he intended. If they were together she wouldn't have dumped him, but that was a big "if" and he was too smart to have missed it.

Varyn knew she was telling the truth or at least thought she was. She genuinely believed every word she was saying, but she hadn't even been able to see the truth about her love for Altair.

He could tell she was in pain, too, and he didn't enjoy that. He didn't like this confrontation if for no other reason than that it placed new cuts on her, but despite that, he knew that it was something that had to be done. Sometimes the only way to cure an infection was to cut it out, no matter how much pain that caused.

He watched her eyes as they flicked around the room, looking anywhere but at him and he let out a heavy breath. He moved over to the bench, sitting down next to the small meal and running his hands over his face for a quick moment.

When he spoke again, his words were softer than before. He supposed she was right, she had never committed to him, but it hurt all the same.

Vahl... you know that I care about you, he said, but he didn't know where to go after that. He had thoughts, he had his own issues, but one thing stuck in his head.

What did you want to come out of this conversation? he finally asked. It was a simple answer, but one that would drive everything going forward. Was she here to get them back together? To try to salvage a friendship? To simply clear the air and go their separate ways? It was the pivotal question, and he wasn't sure that even she knew the answer to it.

 

[Darth Tempest]

Vahliri pointedly didn’t flinch away when Varyn snapped at her - feeling all the vitriol and rigidity that was laced into that question. In many ways, she expected it and more. It was the sort of reaction that had played over and over in her mind prior to arrival - and in some odd sense, it almost felt good to have him lash out at her. It felt better than seeing the betrayal and anguish in normally cheerful eyes. “No, we weren’t..” She said, her words followed by an exhale through her nostrils. The simple truth was that they never had been, officially. They’d never defined things or taken it a step further.

But it didn’t change the feelings that Varyn had for her, nor the way that she had hurt him.

She closed her eyes for a moment when he spoke again, proclaiming that he cared about her. “I know..” There was no question in her mind that Varyn’s feelings went deeper - even if she cared about him more than he likely realized. The half-Annfyn didn’t immediately response to Varyn’s question - and it was likely because she didn’t quite know the answer to that question off the top of her head.

A few moments passed, and Vahliri finally exhaled through her nostrils before she spoke. Her eyes were firmly fixed upon Varyn’s own in that moment - unmoving and unflinching as she finally broke the silence. “I came here to apologize to you, Varyn. For everything, and to tell you that if I could spare the hurt I have caused you, I would.” She sighed a bit.

“I can’t be with you - or anyone else - while I’m in love with Altair. Regardless of what happens or doesn’t between us.” It didn’t matter if not a single thing changed. It wasn’t fair to put Varyn through what she had, or anyone else for that matter.

“I still care about you, and want us to remain friends.. You have every right to be angry and hate me for it. You have every reason to tell me to fuck off and leave, and I will.”

 

[Varyn Atrix]

Varyn just sat there for a long moment, not entirely sure what to say. The crux of the problem was that there wasn't really anything to say. She was in love with someone else, and that wasn't going to change any time soon.

Okay, he finally said. Ah yes, the eloquent wordsmith that he was. "Okay" would certainly convey the full spectrum of emotions and feelings that he had. But did he even want to convey those? He wasn't some blubbering child and he wouldn't reduce himself to something as insignificant as that.

No, you shouldn't be with anyone until you're over him, he agreed. It was the very reason that he had walked away at the party. Because so long as she was drooling over him, there was no "us." The words, he knew, were unkind, but he had at least done better than to voice them aloud.

And now what was he supposed to say? They could still be friends? Was that even a reality? That seemed like one of those things that people said as a consolation... wishful thinking that people told themselves so they could stop thinking about the problem.

Well we certainly aren't enemies, he said. But I think I might need some space, he said honestly. Just being around her was painful, and his head was hardly in the right place to be making any kind of rational decision.

But I don't want us to be strangers, he said.

 

[Darth Tempest]

Vahliri exhaled through her nostrils, listening as Varyn spoke. The pain and remorse was clear on the half-Annfyn’s expression, and it was further reflected in the movement of her fluted ears. He would clearly see the way they drooped and tilted downward almost defeatedly, even as her gaze flicked out to stare at nothing at all. She nodded ever-so-slightly when he said that he needed space. The half-Annfyn could expect as much, and it was a step up from the fellow Champion telling her to fuck off entirely. She had hurt him - wittingly or not - and those wounds didn’t heal over the course of a single conversation. If they could at all.

“I understand,” She said with a small sigh, nodding again. Her gaze returned to rest on his own for a long moment. There was.. Nothing more to say. Nothing that was going to change the circumstances that existed between them now, and it took the half-Annfyn a few moments to realize that there was nothing else that was going to come from their conversation or the pain they both felt sitting close.

“I don’t want us to be either,” She glanced up at him, the faintest hint of a smile tugging at the corners of her lips before she rising to her feet. The half-Annfyn ran her hands across the front of her coat, brushing off the loose snow from outside. “And I hope there will be a time when we can be friends again,”

With that, Vahliri finally took a step backwards, “I’ll see you around, Varyn,” She said, finally turning on a heel. Unless he stopped her, Vahliri made her way towards the door to leave the training yards.

@Phoenix

 

[Varyn Atrix]

Varyn watched as her ears swiveled down, an obvious sign of the pain and negative emotions she felt. It pained him to see it and he just wanted to stand up, grab her, kiss her, and tell her it would all be all right. But that wasn't his decision to make. He didn't know that it would work out, and acting on those desires would be more harmful to both of them than good.

The one thing that made him feel a little bit better was the way she seemed to smile ever-so-slightly at his final comment. There was still some hope. Despite everything that had happened, the two of them had a great deal of camaraderie and a closeness that he hoped wouldn't simply melt away.

Me too, he said. He held out hope that that friendship would come back and perhaps one day again bloom into something more.

I'm taking that as a promise, he said when she said she'd see him around. Despite needing space, he truly didn't want them to totally drift apart. He had too few friends in the Sith and far too few people he cared for. He thought back on how hard she had fought to avenge his fallen family, everything they had been through up until now.

As he watched her walk away, he reached over to grab the meal and just looked at it for a few moments before he ate it. It cut like a knife, and even though its quality may have been a tad bit questionable, it almost made it all the more potent because it carried with it the flavor of the care that went into its preparation.

//Thread