Ask Starlight I Cannot Promise You Immunity

[Myrell’anay]

Starlight Beacon
Two days after the events of A Simple Experiment


It wasn’t surprising they’d come to Myrell’anay for this.

She was first and foremost a healer, a voice of reason, what the padawan needed most in that moment. Like him, she had a scientific mind. And she was a Jedi Justicar.

This was not going to be wholly pleasant. But no matter how distressing the ordeal had been for the Nu-Vaal padawan, the Order had legitimate concerns that warranted investigation. Myrell understood that. She could be there for both. And in her professional opinion, Padawan Alhazred had recovered enough to go through with this meeting.

The Twi’lek sat on the side of the bed, facing him. Between them, carefully laid on a white movable tray installed on Myrell’s seat, were a familiar datastick and holorecorder. Alhazred would already know what was on them.

“Padawan,” she opened. Her voice was restrained, like not to startle him. “You went through quite the ordeal, I am told.”

@Narzen

 

[Alhazred]

While recovering physically, Alhazred had done the two things he had known to help him relax during healing processes: math and reading. The Givin government had recently published a study on the gravitational fluctuation expectancy differences between black dwarfs and white dwarfs. The corpses of dead stars, like most stellar objects, fascinated all Nu-Vaal, and in more ways then just physical. There was a spiritual connotation to them, as Black dwarves themselves reminded Alhazred his people's religion of the Dead God. Alhazred figured that as he read while he laid on the bed, he would keep his mind at ease.

Still, the reading material before him did not do much for his mind. While he read the same lines of data over and over again, not of it metaphorically got stuck in his brain. His brain kept flashing back to the ship, and the monster that had been summoned to it by his experiment. The thing that stalked the void as its own hunting grounds, and screamed with all the rage the void could conjure. It was a nightmare, manifested to destroy all it found. And it nearly had succeeded.

Alhazred placed the datapad down and rubbed his temples, trying to fight the images that swarmed his head. The memories were almost overwhelming at times. When he closed his eyes, he could see that thing emerging out of the walls, claws reaching out for his very soul. Its hair, its bony arms, its face... its face was the most troubling part. each time Alhazred tried to focus on that one aspect, it shifted in his mind, sometimes becoming like himself, and sometimes becoming like Hiraya. Unable to focus on the reading, his recited from memory a few verses from his people's religion.

"Hold fast, for who knows what lurks in the beyond?" Alhazred whispered, . "But understand, the beyond will claim you in the end. Make light of the time you have, and embrace your mortality. For it is in mortality that we find both great beauty, and great growth"

Before Alhazred could continue, the door opened. Alhazred looked and gave a warm smile to the Twilek who entered. While he recognized she was a jedi from the weapon she had on her, he couldn't recall seeing her before.

"Hello young master jedi" Alhazred whispered. When he saw datastick and the recorder, his smile evaporated slowly. "That is...one way of putting it. I believe my people would call it a demoniacal experience, though I suppose some would call it approaching the divine. I must confess, I ponder how my people would react to a similar experience. Some might see it akin to witnessing our deities"

@Volene

 

[Myrell’anay]

Young.

Myrell almost stopped in her tracks, so taken aback she was. She hadn’t been called that in almost fifteen years, not to mention the awkwardness of it coming from a padawan to a knight. Or to a Justicar by the subject of her investigation. But beyond the initial surprise, the comment didn’t bother her. The Jedi had long ago left pride behind. It had no hold to sting her.

“I trust it shook you a great deal,” she commented after his explanation. She felt the turmoil still in him. “I am Jedi Knight Myrell’anay. You may call me thus or Knight Anay, as you prefer. I am Chief healer of this facility. I am also a member of the Jedi arbitration corps. Prior to this meeting, I consulted the available records from your outing. I also met with Knight Zion for his version of events. Now I would like yours.”

Her eyes settled in his. Neutral, like her expression. Trustworthy.

“From the beginning.”

 

[Alhazred]

"Knight Anay" Alhazred repeated the name, committing it to memory.

Then he had to pause, realizing the words 'arbitration corps'. He unconsciously straightened himself up as much as he could in the bed he was in

"Ah. Well... lets see..." Alhazred started, nodding to himself as he recalled the experiement from the beginning.

"My people have a belief that the position of celestial objects hold a great deal of influence over us. The alignment of planets can affect one's birth, the position of nearby stars can influence events, and points of interest on the cosmic axes can even foretell events. Being a member of the Jedi, I desired a confirmation of connection between the Force and Cosmic placements, and with permission from the Jedi, and with a ship provided by the Givin of Yag'Dhul, I attempted an experiment. You see, the Kashyyyk system had an alignment of several celestial objects, including Kashyyyk and her moons, as well as Trandosha. By placing the experiment in the pathway of the alignments and utilizing a Jedi holocron as well as several Kyber crystals, I hypothesized that the Force might be stronger in that direction, and the holocron and crystals would reflect that. "

Alhazred gestured towards the datastick. "My research notes detail this more thoroughly. I believe i said on them that the experiment would prove that planetary alignments had an influence on the Force. A statement I still believe in"

Alhazred continued. "My experiment was helped by Jedi Knight Zion and Hiraya. They delivered the holocron and crystals, and at the time of the alignment, Hiraya opened the holocron at my behest, as well as with Zion's permission."

Alhazred's black eyes shifted slightly as a thought occurred. "Is Hiraya alright? He escaped the situation using an escape pod, and I have not heard anything else about him."

@Volene

 

[Myrell’anay]

The knight listened intently to Alhazred’s recounting. She knew about the experiment from the records she’d consulted prior to the meeting, but it was always better to hear it from the mouth of the person involved. There was a point Myrell wanted to raise, but that would wait.

“I am told he survived,” she answered first. “No more harmed than you were.”

She couldn’t in good conscience say unharmed. Jedi didn’t lie.

“Speaking of. A word on your recovery, if you would. How are you feeling?”

 

[Alhazred]

Alhazred breathed a sigh of relief.

"That is enheartening knight knight anay" alhazred nodded. A piece of his soul lifted slightly.

"I am... physically better" alhazred continued, struggling for the right words. "I have been told that My people have no natural things like bacta. This wondrous substance is truly ichor of the celestial. But for my mind..."

Alhazred fell silent again. How could he put into words what he truly felt about his mental recovery? The nightmares, the dissonant music, the sheer mind breaking aftershocks?

"My mind's realm is one of tenebreousness shadows and approaching insomnolent restlessness. It's...haunted. no, not haunted, but at the very least possessed with surging memories. It's as if the experience is still quietly transpiring somewhere, and a part of me is still witnessing it when I close my eyes. Maybe it is? I don't fully understand the force fully yet like you, but perhaps..."

Alhazred stopped his mind wandering and waved a hand, as if to push the thought away.

"I apologize, ever since the experiment I've begun to cognize and blabber simultaneously more than ever. I talked the doctors ear off earlier, and made my vocal cords ache for a while. Feel free to, er, as some of the others might say, shut me up, if I become too much"

@Volene

 

[Myrell’anay]

“Enheartening, yes.”

For everyone involved, Myrell didn’t add. She let the Nu-Vaal go on, punctuating his answer with here a nod, here a concerned frown. The healer could sense Alhazred’s unrest without needing his testimony, but the words he employed were telling. Tenebrous shadows. Insomnolent restlessness. Haunted. Possessed.

“Well, I doubt the incident is ongoing, to quell at least one worry,” she said, ignoring the latest part about shutting him up. “It not leaving at least a trace would have been surprising. A starweird attack, yes? What did you know of them prior to these events?”

The question was casually asked, enough that it might conceal the thought that went behind it. Its purpose was twofold: knowing whether this outcome had been anticipated and researched before the experiment took place—and, if so, what precautions had been taken against it—but Myrell had also pegged the padawan as the intellectual type, one for whom the opportunity to display theoretical knowledge would be a good way to take his mind off his troubled memories.

 

[Alhazred]

"Of the starweirds? Not really..." Alhazered replied simply at first. "I mean, I believe I should know things exist in the void. After all, I am a Nu-Vaal"

Alhazred chuckled outloud at his own joke, before realizing that his humor may need a bit of explanation. He wasn't sure how well this Jedi knew of his own kind.

"To say that Nu-Vaal know things exist in the void is a given. Summa-verminoth, mynocks, exogorths, purrgil, void itself, I believe one of my cousins is out chasing Scree in hopes of learning more about the Summa. And the reason is fascinating. I mean, if you are of the kind who enjoys looking at evolutionary trees and biological genes and such, it is fascinating. We are actually descendants of a Summa-verminoth. No deceivement. Many of us see them akin to deities. Why, they are very the foundation of the church of the Dead God. You see, an abnormally large one crashed into our homeworld long ago..."

Alhazred shook himself, realizing he was rambling off topic and that he was not being asked the subject of his people's cultural history.

"But the star weirds... I never even heard of such things until Master Zion said their name. And honestly, I don't think I would've fully believed anyone had I not seen one with my own eyes. There's something...wrong about them. And its not like wrong as in too alien...its the fact that it isn't alien. I mean... that thing was bipedal and... it was too hate filled. Like It was...loathing. Howling loathing given form, and... well, if someone told me hate-filled humanoids wandered the void looking to destroy things, I would've sampled the drink they were having. But that thing wasn't just that, it was discordant and focused and...and... "

Alhazred struggled for the right words for a moment before giving up.

"If the Summa-Verminoth are gods for our people, than I believe many would consider that thing to be a devil at the very least. Sorry, does that answer the question? I'm unsure if I actually answered it or not"

@Volene

 

[Myrell’anay]

And so she had her answer. No consideration prior to the experiment, though whether it was negligence or purely unexpectable remained to be seen. In the meantime, Myrell was glad her plan to take his mind elsewhere bore fruit as the padawan lost himself in explanations of Nu-Vaal lore. Only he returned to the starweird, letting Myrell catch a glimpse of the trauma so many Jedi carried. Initiates and padawans were meant to be shielded from it, but one was never truly ready for their first contact with the dark side.

“You did, or well enough,” said Myrell. “I understand you had no knowledge of the danger when preparing this experiment?”

As he answered, the healer prepared the holorecorder for projection. “There is one more thing.”

And she began the recording, precisely set to a moment in particular. Alhazred would recognize it, his own voice and likeness, as he was seconds before the start of the ordeal.

“The following is private and to be deleted later. I confess my zeal in this study is due to the hope of inspiring confidence in my potential from the Jedi Order, as well as improving my own understanding of the Force. As an elder compared to most and as a masterless padawan, I have intuited that more is expected of me, despite verbal claims otherwise. I may be one with the Force, but I would like to find more proof of the Force being with me within my people’s beliefs.”

Pause. Myrell’s eyes returned to Alhazred from the holo, her expression indecipherable. It seemed, in the chaos of the experiment gone wrong and the frenzy to recover its data, ‘to be deleted later’ hadn’t exactly panned out.

“Explain your statement, if you would.”

 

[Alhazred]

Alhazred shook his head at the first question. "Negative Knight Arnay. Had I known such a thing could've occurred, I would've acted dfferently. But as the The Road Home states, 'Trinkets and baubles and experience and wisdom are won by actions, blood and failures. Such things do no good in the past.'

When the holorecorder came to life, and Alhazred's words were said back to him, the Nu-Vaal noticeably shifted in his seat, both physically and emotionally. His face tendrils, an instinctual and non-prehensile organ, curled upwards ever so slightly as if a bad breeze had blown past. For the first time, Alhazred actually looked ashamed and embarrassed. And why wouldn't he? Those words were meant to be deleted. They were the open airings of his private thoughts, given to the galaxy and expected to dissipate in the void like air in open space. Such emotional based things were unprofessional as both an academic and as a Jedi. Back on Yag'Dhul, several Givin would've given prank equations to the Nu-Vaal in a form of greeting.

"I...I believe there are dual statements there Knight Arnay." Alhazred started after gulping some empty air, as if to clear his throat of some invisible swelling "My people... well, the belief on positions of celestial objects is still just that...a belief, lacking the scientific rigor that is demanded of facts. It is not uncommon for my kind to be seen as fortunate tellers, no better than an exotic haruspex or a crystal seer. One of my cousins on Metellos scrapes a living as one. And...well, when I was recruited into the Jedi, one of my dreams was to bring a speck of truth to my people's belief's back on Vaal. I pray such an action is not against Jedi ideals, though I can see it as something akin to pointless for some. I do understand that Jedi are often asked to 'let go' of their attachments.

"Though..." Alhazred added. "I cognize that confirmation results could open a door to Vaal for the Jedi, much like combat experience was for the Barabels of old. True it could be a long road to fully earn trust with the Church of the Dead God, but it would be a beginning of such a potential mission"

Alhazred knew what he was doing. Defending himself by being oddly open but using goodwill as something to soften his actions wasn't an uncommon tactic for his kind. What he did not realize he was doing was that he avoided answering the parts of the statement that included 'inspiring confidence' and 'expected of me'.

@Volene

 

[Myrell’anay]

Myrell took note of the padawan’s unease, but she didn’t intervene. His feelings were his to own. If anything, the sore spot confirmed she’d been right to ask. These investigations often entailed hard questions for the subject.

“The Order has no qualms with your experiment,” she answered, her tone kinder than it had been. Though Alhazred may not know it, the healer had herself spent years in labs, agonizing over experiment results like she could will the conclusions she wanted into existence. Even now, though she’d matured and tempered her reactions, her field lent itself to it particularly well. “What is science if not testing the validity of a hypothesis? That it comes from your beliefs is irrelevant, Padawan. If the test is well-designed, and the results not twisted... That is how we acquire knowledge. How we built upon it, ever higher. I trust I am not learning you anything by that. With the potential outcome you describe, it sounds like a goal worthy of achieving. Surely worth the drafting and carrying out of your experiment,” Myrell admitted.

Here she paused. Her eyes drifted down to the dormant holorecorder, stayed there a moment. Then back to Alhazred.

“I meant the other part.”

 

[Alhazred]

At the woman's talk about science and knowledge, Alhazred nodded. What she said was true. And it was something good to hear.

"Ah...yes..." Alhazred responded sheepishly. Alhazred dawdled a few moments, letting the air stagnate with silence, minus the beepings of medical equipment, the buzzing of overhead lights, and the subtle noises of the Starlight Beacon's inner workings. Alhazred sighed. The quieter it got, the more deafening his brain was becoming.

"When i first arrived to the Jedi, I began to perceive the youths around me. Between the group lessons, I did a look at the recent Jedi padawans in the temples. Nothing off limits , just a proverbial glance at their overview files, available to anyone with minimum access and reasonable mathematical comprehensions. I simply made a random selection of Jedi Padawan profiles and compared a couple of averages. Most common species was human, unsurprising as their widespread galactic habitability. Of the 15 randomly selected padawans, the mean age was 19.06, with the oldest being 34, the youngest being 12 and a median of 17."

Alhazred held a hand to himself. "I am, bluntly speaking, part of an unorthodox species. We are considered matured specimens at age 5, and should everything go well, will live to see at least 2 centuries of life, and possibly even 3 centuries. I have lived 87 years, long enough to grow up and see an entire generation of Givin die, and fortunate enough to meet the children who took the places of my friends who were their elders. Now here I am amongst Jedi padawans who are only a 4th of my age."

Alhazred looked at the Jedi, his black eyes drooping pools of darkness on a slightly depressed face. "Say you met a person in the business of law enforcement who was old enough to be a grandfather, and yet, only had the experience and capability of a probational deputy fresh out of training. What does the mind state initially? Something is wrong, yes? An unbalaced equation has occurred, an illogical decision has been made. Your brain says 'he must have experience in his job judging by his age' but also says 'he cannot be trusted with important tasks because he is still on a probationary trial period'. Your brain says 'something is wrong here. Either he should be doing more, or some mistake had been made'.

Alhazred looked away and folded his webbed hands on top of each other. "Now infer further with the information I gathered and everything known about myself: An 87 year old masterless speciman, matured at 5, and as fresh as a 17 or even 12 year old. Masterless means more learning must be done independently, and indicates that the specimen is capable of self-education. True, no one states these things, but no one openly states that the leeching Mynock must have a function in galactic ecosystem neither. No one claims anything special from me because of my age, but I know the sentient mind is a wild beast, and instinct is a creature not easily tamed. People expect either more of me. It is as certain as...well, to borrow from my people's tongue, 'as certain as ruin itself'.

@Volene

 

[Myrell’anay]

“No, I would not,” Myrell actually interrupted the padawan’s example to answer. Genuinely baffled. The man was experienced, by his own admission, older than her and scientifically-minded, and to hear such a logically shallow take from him actually shocked her. A crease appeared between her tattooed eyebrows.

“No. Why would I think something is wrong? Every being walks their own unique path. People change careers. Is that so unusual? Perhaps the man was inspired to join law enforcement after he witnessed a loved one be victim of a crime. Perhaps he felt like taking on new challenges later in life. His perspective would be a welcome addition to a team of young Rangers fresh out of the academy with little life experience,” she added. “Yet he would still be on probation as he has not been with the force long. Where is the harm? Where is the mistake?”

She let the words stew before continuing. “I am fifty-nine years old, Padawan. Younger than you, I will grant that much, though I came to the Jedi a toddler. To this day, a Jedi knight. Am I not doing enough managing medical facilities across the galaxy? Master Perun is thirty-two years old. Master Thorne? Twenty-three. Both masters of our Order. Is that where I should direct my focus? To the age of my peers, rather than my own duty to the Jedi? Is that constructive?” She sighed.

“‘Despite verbal claims otherwise’,” she quoted his words from the recording. “Meaning the Order, in no uncertain terms, attempted to reassure you as to your performance as it relates to your age and experience—and still you let your insecurity guide your actions? To be blunt, Padawan, this strikes me as someone who has more learning to do, not less, before they can be trusted to take the field. Lives were endangered to recover the experiment data. All this for pride? To prove a point? That is not something that can be taken lightly.”

 

[Alhazred]

Alhazred took in the Twilek's words seriously, remaining still as she spoke. The small aquatic thing seemed almost deflated under the knight's words. though a few times he did nearly interject. The one core thing Alhazred did disagree with was the fact that she believed she would not think something is wrong with an elderly law enforcement fresh out of training, but that was something he could not argue about. After all, who knew the Jedi better than her? Certainly not him.

At the questions about where she should direct her focus, Alhazred shook his head in quiet concession. He was, after all, no expert on the positions a being needed to be in life.

However, the final part got to him a bit more personal. The green of his tendrils paled slightly as the thought and remembrance of how he could've gotten everyone to safety immediately had he simply restarting the ship's power. But still, a part of him rose up to defend himself.

"Knight Arnay, if I left the moment I and Hiraya recovered, I would've lost all the data, and in turn, would be left with only Anecdotal evidence. That is the pitiless and lowest form of scientific evidence, and not just for the Jedi Order. The ship was provided by the Body Calculus. I promised results to everyone, and tarnishing any relations with the Givin would not be welcomed in the long run. They require hard data, and blatant loss of data would make them recalculate all benefits of associating with us with future experiments. I'm not some prideful idiot, Knight Arnay, I am a scholar! Not only that, I am not the type of some foolish yelping or raving madman carelessly transmuting ordered knowledge into chaos itse-"

Alhazred stopped himself. His voice was getting strained. One of the few clues he had on recognizing he was feeling something akin to anger rising up. He took a moment to breath deeply and recompose himself.

"I'm sorry, that was not becoming of me. I apologize for that."

For a bit, Alhazred refocused himself before speaking again.

"I did try to stop Hiraya from going back into danger. We had retreated to the ship while Master Zion went to distract the starweird. I remember, I had this little moment of clarity about my research and what it was costing around me, and how I could go back for it, but I didn't want him to get Hiraya hurt further so I said to simply get the ship ready for takeoff. But unfortunately , Hiraya has something akin to a 'virtuous but foolish soul' and he went back for it. I tried to stop him, I really did. I mean, that's how he ended up in an escape pod and I..."

Alhazred stopped. The memory of utilizing the force in that one pure moment of discord was almost stronger than the memories of the starweird itself.

Alhazred took a deep breath before moving on. "I'm sure both Zion and Hiraya can confirm my actions to make sure everyone got away safely, even at the cost of my research. I didn't know my experiment would summon that monster. By the Void and the Dead god, I didn't know what that thing was beforehand, and because of that, I nearly got Hiraya killed because I couldn't recognize what I needed to do from the beginning. Would things had gone differently had I more experience and knew what a starweird was? Perhaps. But then again, should an elderly padawan already know such things? Perhaps, perhaps not. An elder knight, sure. But an elder padawan? "

At this, Alhazred shrugged.

"I've heard that pride can more devastating than a hundred war campaigns. But when, as the humans say, 'chips came down', I was not acting on pride.

@Volene