Ask Raxus Inner Turmoil

[Merian Sere]

Imperial Knight Headquarters, Raxus
158 ABY​

A lonely speck of red looped around the massive, rectangular building of the Imperial Knights fitness and training center. It sprinted across the grass towards the classrooms, reached the road and kept its pace as it followed it all the way to the command building for another lap.

Only two left.

Merian had always liked running. For the way the wind met her exactly as fast as she was pushing herself, for the way her surroundings warped past, but also for the way time and distance were all so perfectly quantifiable. For how running was a little bit easier every time. She still preferred swimming, of course, she wouldn’t be a true Ilohian if she didn’t, but she wouldn’t swim in her armor and here the armor was the whole point. If she was going to keep it, she’d have to get used to it. Reassess her body’s limits with it. And after two years, Merian was losing hope that she’d ever be recalled to the ISB.

Her final lap done, the knight slowed to a walk and took off her helmet. The sunset light brought out the red in her auburn hair. There really was no better time to train: daily tasks done, everyone out of the office, the air cooling as night approached. Merian lingered for a few more minutes, catching her breath, then made her way inside.

She was not alone. In the training center was one of the squires—had a class run late?—with his back turned to her. He looked like he could be meditating. If Merian hadn’t been Force-sensitive, she could have believed it. But the boy was anything but calm. He was a beacon of hurt and loneliness, to the point where it was almost distracting. The knight could sympathize. She had those moments too, despite her best efforts, and when they showed their head she never had a greater wish than to be left alone. At least she could give the boy that. Unless she was sought out, Merian would head to her locker to change and return her equipment. And then... home, she supposed.

@Apollyon

 

[Caleb of Spintir]

Caleb had lost track of how long he had been kneeling in the training center. Knight-Instructor Jhoren Crow had forbade Caleb from leaving until the boy had found a way of finding his center, determination, and focus. The issue was the way in which Crow wanted Caleb to find that determination and how truly undefined it was. Crow had instructed his class to focus on their most painful or loneliest moments, to use those memories to fuel their determination and find their inner focus. The issue was, Crow never explained how to channel those vulnerable and harsh memories into something to drive the Squires forward.

Some of Caleb's classmates had found quick success in this exercise and had gained favor in the eyes of Knight-Instructor Crow. Others took longer to understand Crow's esoteric teachings and when they had finally accomplished this task, they were given distant approval by the Knight-Instructor. However, a handful were like Caleb and couldn't grasp the lesson, these Squires were treated with cold disdain by Crow. The Knight-Instructor imparted very little to those he had deemed failures, believing that they would be weeded out and sent to other branches of the Empire, likely where they belonged.

Caleb wouldn't allow himself to fail. Caleb would persist.

Which had led Caleb to kneeling in the training center for kriff knows how long, trying to channel memories both new and old into something he could use. However, when the boy turned his mind back to Spintir, to his grandfather and the farm he grew up on the only thing he felt was despair. He felt the judgement, pain, and spite that radiated from the old man every time he would glance in Caleb's direction. He remembered sleeping with the farmhands, being fed last, he remembered the loneliness of not having a family. All of these emotions acted as road block to his progress in this exercise and halted him completely.

After a few more moments of forcing himself to endure older memories, Caleb's mind would turn to the way Knight-Instructor Crow treated him, how Knight-Captain Demici's gaze had hardened when she looked at him. It finally broke the young boy who finally let out a single anguished scream of frustration before he flopped backwards and laid on his back. With his eyes squinted shut, Caleb slammed one of his clenched fists into the hard floor and yelled.

"WHY CAN'T I DO TH-" His eyes had popped open as he was mid shout and his eyes locked with a female Knight who had been making her way towards the locker room.

Caleb gulped before rolling over onto his belly and quickly scrambling into a cross legged sitting position, facing the woman.

"S-s-sorry" He managed to sheepishly stammer out, embarrassment flushed his cheeks.

 

[Merian Sere]

There was an awkward pause as Merian didn’t answer right away, instead making a point to look the squire up and down. She wasn’t startled: with the state the boy was in, this outburst had been as likely an outcome as any other.

“Apologize to yourself,” she replied, an eyebrow raised. “That’s no way to be seen. Certain officers wouldn’t take kindly to such a display.”

That much was true. In a way, he’d been lucky. If he had been meditating, or trying to, he’d probably lost track of time, been unaware of his surroundings. It could have been worse.

“It’s sundown,” Merian informed him after a time. “Have you eaten?”

@Apollyon

 

[Caleb of Spintir]

Caleb felt his face flush and redden with embarrassment as the Knight inspected him. She had clearly just finished a work out and likely was intending on going home to relax in some way. Caleb's head would drop at her response to his apology, she was right. Knight-Instructor Crow would no accept Caleb's continued failure nor his outburst of frustration.

"Yeaahhhh..." Caleb let out in the midst of a sigh. "Knight-Instructor Crow would skin me for shouting like that." He admitted solemnly.

Caleb blinked in surprise at the woman's next words, it was sundown? Already? How long had he been here? And why did it feel like days instead of hours? A thousand questions ran through the boy's mind, each one registering on his face as they passed through. But they were all cast aside when the Knight asked him if he had eaten, the response was a loud grumble and groan from Caleb's gut.

"Not since this morning." He admitted as he stood up and brushed off his training uniform. "I am really sorry for...that." He reiterated, casting a thumb over his shoulder as he approached the Knight.

@Volene

 

[Merian Sere]

Crow? That explained some.

“Don’t dwell on it,” the knight answered in the same tone she’d used prior, assertive but kind. “It’s in the past. See instead that it doesn’t happen again.”

A fair response, she thought. Despite the squire’s visible shame she would not coddle him. Let him own the feeling. Though young, Imperial squires held a prestigious position and were expected to conduct themselves professionally at all times. Outbursts like the boy’s were nothing short of unacceptable and Merian would not tell him it was okay when it wasn’t. But no need to be overly harsh when he’d already acknowledged his failing.

“Can you manage?” she probed. “The mess hall is likely closed. Ask if you need assistance.” The disorientation and associated helplessness that followed meditation was something Merian could sympathize with. She’d never had the benefit of being a squire. She’d been a Sith acolyte, and on Korriban when you needed guidance there was no one willing to provide it. With the Empire, that would change. Starting with her.

@Apollyon