Ask These Are Your First Steps

[Sevrin Valtiere]

As promised, they were nowhere near Jedi space. Sevrin allowed plenty of time for Shaw to say his goodbyes to his friends and fellow Jedi, but it was time to get to work. The two found themselves on the planet Cularin, a system that flirted with ISC space. As soon as Shaw stepped off the ship ramp, he would feel something different. It was a tingly feeling, one that suddenly made him feel more empowered.

“The Force is unnaturally strong on this planet,” Sevrin explained to his apprentice, “We are here so you can more easily embrace the Force and master the fundamentals in practice” He looked around himself, “Take a moment to embrace it just as you had on Kashyyyk. Because the Force is stronger on this planet, it has the ability to resist you if you are not fully committed,” Sevrin explained as he started walking. The planet could either empower and enhance or act as friction.

“Even the best duelists must always remember to lean into the Force while fighting,” He said, knowing that Shaw brought up several times feeling useless with weapons, “The academies teach Force use and they teach saber training, but integrating the two fluidly is the challenge.”

Sevrin stopped before a tall tree bearing fruit. He glanced up, “I’d like a snack. Fetch me that fruit using a Force ability of your choice,” He said simply, walking over to sit down to meditate.

@throwitintothefire

 

[Shaw Amaris]

Saying goodbye to all of the friends he had made back at the temple was harder than he had expected. When his parents had sent him to the order Shaw really hadn't expected to make any friends. That was what they wanted after all. For him to avoid the rest of the Jedi as much as possible. But that little dinner party on Shili had laid the groundwork for some of the most meaningful relationships in his life. Possibly the most meaningful he had right now with his parents so far away.

He had met up with everyone he could to say goodbye and wish them luck, but a lot of the other padawans he had befriended over the last few months were out on assignments of their own. Chasing their own destinies. Prani and a few of the others he had gotten to say goodbye to in person, but Macote and Caul and Roanoke were all out on assignments. Macote was probably out saving the galaxy, and who knows what kind of trouble Caul and Roanoke were busy stirring up. So he had just sent them a quick message, the gist of which was YOOOO YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED.

Maybe the responsibility of being Master Valtiere's apprentice hadn't sunk in or maybe it was that Shaw was just so excited to finally have a master and a direction or maybe it was a combination of the two, but the energy on this planet was incredible. It hit Shaw as soon as he stepped off the transport. Knight Ordeen had said something similar about Ellora being strong in the force once, but Shaw hadn't felt it then. He felt it now.

"What makes one planet stronger in the force than another?" he asked the Jedi Master, looking up at the tree they had come to a stop in front of. Green, heart shaped fruit with scales hung from its branches. A force ability of his choice? It wouldn't be hard to choose from that list because that list was short. Telekinesis or specifically force pull. Really the only one he had ever used with any amount of control.

Shaw stepped closer to the tree and tried to focus on the energy all around him before extending a hand, the physical vessel that (if done properly) would transport his will to the fruit and cause a reaction. It didn't happen right away, but eventually the fruit jerked free of the branch and began to float toward Master Valtiere. Shaw had a big grin on his face, very pleased with himself until the last second when an insect bit him on the neck and he lost control of the fruit. It dropped and bounced off the sephi's head unless he stopped it. Big oops. @Sreeya

 

[Sevrin Valtiere]

“They are usually naturally occurring,” Sevrin explained, “However events and influences can sway them. For example, the sites of tremendous trauma often open up dark Force nexuses. So too can the presence of Jedi allow a Light nexus to exist. Cularin has always had this presence, but it manifests in different ways based on how one embraces it,” Sevrin remained silent after that, waiting for him to extract the fruit.

Before it could bounce off his head, Sevrin chucked it right back at Shaw. By the time he looked back from freaking out the insect bite, he would be thwacked by the fruit. The Sephi stared at him calmly.

“That was perhaps a better lesson than anything a classroom can teach you,” He said, “Out in the real galaxy and in combat, you don’t have all the time in the world to make rocks or fruits move. You need to be able to adapt on a whim."

What looked almost like amusement glinted briefly in his eye, “Padawan, recite to me what happened in chapter 10 of Clone Wars: A Brief History,” It was one of those required course curriculum and Sevrin was well aware of how mind numbing the students found it, “Each time you fail, you will have a pop quiz.”

The Sephi’s eyes flicked up towards a fruit, “Now fetch me that fruit while you recite me the summary of the chapter. Remember, using the Force is not about focusing everything on one task - it's about being aware of the ecosystem that exists all around you. Just as you can wave your arm and walk at the same time, so too can you apply the Force and speak."

@throwitintothefire

 

[Shaw Amaris]

Shaw pulled his hand away from his neck to see what had been a very large mosquito smeared across his palm. Now it was a very dead mosquito. Gross. He started to rub the insect's remains off on his pants when the fruit smacked him across the face. He just stood there for a second or two in shock, blinking stupidly. Had Master Valtiere really just thrown the fruit back at him? A grin slowly spread across his lips. Every once in a while there was a little glimpse into what the sephi's personality might have been like, into the kind of sense of humor he possessed, and Shaw really liked moments like that. Maybe because they were so few and far between.

"Chapter ten?" Shaw echoed, looking down at the green fruit that had rolled a few feet away from him. Clone Wars: A Brief History... Clone Wars: A Brief History... ohhhh yeah. Wasn't that the book he had ended up finding Chaz's sleeve under? That was the one. He was pretty sure he had brought it along with his other course books. Whether or not he had actually read it was anyone's guess, including Shaw's. He hadn't been very diligent in his studies. He had a feeling that was about to change.

The teenager cleared his throat. "Right. Chapter ten." Time to wing it and hope for the best. "Isn't that where uhhh..." he racked his brain for information, anything he might remember from reading or history class. All while trying to lift the fruit with his outstretched hand. It merely wriggled. Man, it was hard to focus on two things at once like this. "Senator Ambidalba goes to visit... someone, who betrays her and turns her over to the separatists?" The fruit fell over on its side. Okay, that was just sad. "And her friend Jo Jo—" No, that wasn't right. Maybe it wasn't an O? "Had to rescue her." If it wasn't obvious that Shaw hadn't been studying very hard before it was painfully so now. Finally the fruit began to levitate. @Sreeya

 

[Sevrin Valtiere]

Sevrin stared completely unamused as Shaw vomited out a stream of consciousness that he hoped would pass for his recollection of a critical chapter, “Riveting,” The Jedi Master said dryly, “You know it’ll be on your trials,” It wasn’t going to be on the trials. But he needed Shaw to panic a little and pay attention to his studies. The fruit began to levitate, but Shaw wasn’t focused on talking as well and splitting focus.

The Sephi pondered for a moment, thinking back to his time teaching padawans and the topics that always sparked heated debate from the most mundane questions. All those tidbits of conversation his keen ears picked up when the kids thought he couldn't hear. He gazed back at Shaw, “Is cereal a soup? Discuss,” He said simply, gesturing for Shaw to keep pulling down fruits. It would be a challenge because no doubt Shaw would go down a spiral of some sort with the Sephi interjecting with counter arguments here and there simply to be a nuisance.

Eventually Shaw wouldn’t even realize that he was floating fruits all around him while simultaneously discussing the specifics of Vader-O’s or Toasted Flakes and the consistency of milk.

Through it all, Sevrin remained seated, nibbling on one of the fruits and watching the padawan steadily get a grasp of the Force. Watching it slowly become second nature.

@throwitintothefire

 

[Shaw Amaris]

"On my trials?" the teenager echoed in a tone pitched higher than normal. Panic rising, he cast a hurried glance in Master Valtiere's direction. He tried to play it off. "Oh, sure... of course." No he hadn't known. Now he did. Now he had an idea of just how behind he was. No friends around to ask for tutoring help either. He would just have to bite the bullet and start studying. He dreaded the thought of late nights and weary eyes spent doubled over books as thick as his head, but if he wanted to become a Jedi it would have to be done. It was just a shame that becoming a better person had to involve so much homework and reading.

That old question? Shaw would have thought Master Valtiere would have known the answer to that by now. Or maybe that hadn't been a hot topic issue when he was a kid? "Bruh. Cereal is not soup," Shaw said with more confidence than usual, shaking his head and chuckling to himself. But he would indulge his master. It was a hot topic issue that he was prepared to defend since two weeks earlier he had gotten into this exact debate at the lunch table between classes. He had no idea that his master had asked the question for Shaw's own benefit.

Another fruit fell from the tree. Then another, and then another. They remained suspended in air, defying gravity by Shaw's own command. He didn't even realize he was doing it. "First of all, can we all just agree that soup is usually hot?" He could already hear the opposing argument, bUt sOme sOUp iS sERvEd cOoOooOld! Obviously an exception to the rule, not the rule.

"It's usually brought to a boil, right?" The fruit began to levitate over to Master Valtiere. "When's the last time someone boiled your cereal, huh?" There. There was no good answer to that other than never. "Plus soup's usually got some kinda meat in it. Or at least some kinda broth for the base." All three heart shaped fruits came to a stop in front of the sephi. The one closest to the sephi would split right down the middle, sliced in half by an invisible knife, revealing the fruit's soft and creamy flesh. One half would remain for Master Valtiere to enjoy while the other half floated into Shaw's waiting hand. He took a bite out of it without even realizing it. "If we start calling cereal a soup then you've gotta call oatmeal a soup too. That ain't it chief." @Sreeya

 

[Sevrin Valtiere]

“There are plenty of cultures that have to boil milk for sanitary purpose, my very privileged Padawan,” Sevrin said curtly, “And many soups do not have meat in it,” He said just to keep goading the teen. Through it all amusement glinted in his eye, watching all the fruits that stayed perfectly suspended in air. The Sephi watched as one of the fruits split in half to give him a piece while the other floated back to Shaw.

“Cheers, apprentice,” He said as he raised his half of the fruit before taking a bite. It was perhaps the first time Shaw’s attention would be drawn back to what he was doing, “Do not be startled. Simply embrace it. Do not think ‘wow am I doing this?’ only consider that yes, you are doing what you were always meant to do,” He explained, “Normalizing your application of the Force is what makes it flow easily. Stopping to marvel at every little thing you do only distracts and causes hindrances.”

After the exercise was complete, Sevrin rose to stand, bidding for Shaw to follow. They walked for a while towards what appeared to be a hiking path going up a mountain, “Stamina, endurance and strength are all just as important as the mental aspects of the Force,” He explained, “Wielding a saber and fighting looks ‘cool’ but takes a tremendous amount of energy. Far more than you would ever expect.”

He glanced at Shaw, “I want you to hike up to that point,” He pointed to a very high cliff after a rather steep climb, “While keeping a fruit floating in the air with you. If you drop the fruit, you must start again from the bottom.”

Sevrin knew this endeavor would likely take days, but they had time for nothing but training now. This would be a test of both physical endurance and also his command of the Force. Everytime Shaw grew frustrated or tired, his focus would break and cause the fruit to drop. Due to the way the Force worked on this planet, it would provide added resistance if he didn’t concentrate enough.

@throwitintothefire

 

[Shaw Amaris]

Now they were just splitting hairs. Shaw said boiled cereal, Master Valtiere said boiled milk. All valid when considering that arguing over whether or not cereal was a soup was in and of itself splitting hairs, an unnecessary and wholly unproductive argument. But Shaw was a teenager. Whether cereal was a soup or not was just one of the many immature notions that bounced around inside his head, and just like all the others would fade with time, given the right circumstances, growth, and perspective.

All he needed was a nudge in the right direction. An attending hand to redirect him whenever he inevitably strayed from the correct path. To give him a push whenever he tripped and fell to his knees, ready to give up and accept defeat. Master Valtiere would be that guiding hand that showed him the way, that kicked him in the pants when he needed it. Master Valtiere would show him what he was 'always meant to do,' and by extension, Master Valtiere would would show him who he was always meant to be.

Shaw just hadn't expected to find it at the top of a steep cliff. The teenager had thrown himself into the assignment with all of his usual gusto, but with every set back and blunder his energy and enthusiasm waned. It wasn't long before he was right back where he had started. Over the next few days he would come to realize the capacity of the mountain and the power of the force, all while becoming painfully aware of his own limitations and weaknesses.

There was more than gravity pushing him down. It was the force itself, an invisible but palpable power working against him. Every time he got distracted, every time he got frustrated, every time he allowed fatigue to dull his senses the force would resist him. Sometimes it felt as if it had abandoned him entirely. He thought about giving up more than once, but then he considered Master Valtiere's words. That this was what he had always been meant to do.

Sometimes he would think about Macote instead, not just his friend but his role model. Fearless and brave and selfless. Of Caul, who never game up and never gave in. Two people that were everything that Shaw wanted to be. Other times he would look down at the bracelet on his wrist and think of Prani, who believed in him and trusted in him even when he hadn't earned it. Who forgave him when he messed up. Or he would look at the bear tooth necklace he wore and think of Nash, who would absolutely mock him relentlessly for getting his thrusters handed to him by a steep hill and would probably even come up with some some sick lyrics on the spot at his expense. This was what he had always been meant to do, right? So that just meant he had to do more. Had to be more. He wouldn't give up. Not until he had reached the top. No matter how hard it was. No matter how many times he had to begin that shameful retreat back down the mountain and begin again. No matter how long it took.

It was first light when Shaw finally reached the top. He wasn't sure which of them looked worse for wear—him or the badly bruised and inedible fruit by his side. His skin was worn and cut. His hands were raw from all of the climbing, sliding, and slipping. There was a gash across his cheek where he had fallen. His clothing was caked in sweat, dirt, and blood, and he could say without a shadow of a doubt that he had never been this tired.

Euphoria mixed with exhaustion until they were indistinguishable from the other. The view from the cliff's edge was incredible. He could see the fog rolling in over the tropical valleys below. Sunrise had never been so beautiful. @Sreeya

 

[Sevrin Valtiere]

As Shaw stood at the top, he would glance down to see the Sephi effortlessly leaping up till he landed next to the Padawan. He took a moment to gaze out at the view, unfazed by the stench of sweat from Shaw that no amount of Hatchet spray could hide. The boy looked terrible, but he had completed the task. For a moment, Sevrin said nothing for a long moment, admiring the view before them.

“The perseverance to conquer your goals needs to become a part of you,” Sevrin said, “Too many people think being a Jedi is independent of who they are as individuals. While your entire identity does not have to be Jedi, it is important that you adopt the discipline and principles you learn into your everyday life,” He explained, “And that includes faith in yourself in every aspect of your life, not just when it comes to mastering the Force or saber techniques. Do you understand?”

Regardless of how Shaw answered, Sevrin would peer over the edge of the cliff, “You will repeat this exercise until you can reach here with several fruits in the air and in less time,” He stared at the teen, “You can jump higher than you think,” He reminded Shaw before casually stepping off the cliff and gracefully landing far below.

A few weeks passed after that, but time blurred together here. The two camped out in the bottom of the mountains, most of Shaw’s days filled with grueling training. However, each day he grew more powerful with the Force and also physically. Every method would test Shaw’s patience. It was the same, repetitive movements and challenges that would make him question whether he was ever going to learn the ‘cool stuff’ like sabers.

It was a cool morning when Sevrin finally packed up the tent to keep moving. The Sephi’s attitude always remained the same - calm, patient, unwavering.

“Today we will seek out a cave that has a festering dark side nexus,” Sevrin explained, “It will not be the first time you see darkness…as you have witnessed abominations. However, it will be the first time darkness attempts to intrude your thoughts. The training you have had thus far should equip you well to withstand the assault, but it will test you beyond anything you have faced before. Are you prepared?”

@throwitintothefire

 

[Shaw Amaris]

Propped up on his elbows, Shaw watched the sunrise. Was it possible to feel bigger? Taller? Stronger? Better? after just a few days? Because he did. He felt like he could take on the world—but later. After a cold shower and a long, long, looong nap. The teenager felt his lungs expand through deep, satisfied breaths as he inhaled the crisp morning air.

Watching the steady, rhythmic swoops of a bird flying by, Shaw found himself amazed. Amazed that he was so high up. Amazed that he had actually made it to the top. Then his master's monotone voice echoed in his mind, something about not getting so caught up in the fact that he had done it but considering the reality that this was what he had always been meant to do. Heavy thoughts for a bone weary, sleep deprived teenager first thing in the morning.

Thoughts for later. He would enjoy this victory for now. Master Valtiere was making his way up the side of the cliff, parkouring past every obstacle that had taken Shaw days. Shaw's 'parkour' had looked a little different. Ego deflated. The teenager leaned back and rested his head against the soil, the morning dew cooling him down. Even the hard ground felt good right about now. "Show off," Shaw couldn't stop himself from grinning over at his master, breathing gradually regulating out. Then he shot straight up, ignoring the pain that shot through his limbs. "Repeat it? You mean I gotta do it again!?"

Turned out that was exactly what he had meant, and that had just been the beginning. Master Valtiere said what he meant. The weeks that followed felt kinda like a training montage from a holomovie but exclusively the repetitive, uneventful scenes that didn't look cool on screen and would most definitely get cut from the final version of the film. Still, Shaw could feel himself growing stronger.

"Ready," came the padawan's reply, throwing the last of their supplies over his shoulder. After a few steps and no small amount of deliberation he asked, "Do you? Think I'm ready I mean?" @Sreeya

 

[Sevrin Valtiere]

“I do,” Sevrin responded to Shaw’s question, “Remember to always trust in yourself and have faith. Find your courage even in the darkest moments. This cave..it will take you places. Only you can find your way back out,” He said calmly. He wouldn’t elaborate further, letting Shaw step through.

The moment the teen walked in, he would hear whispers all around him. It was unintelligible at first, but slowly it would start to sound familiar. The voices were of people he knew both present and past. He would hear the voices of friends he lost on Coruscant, hear their giggles and laughter from when he was in school with them. He would hear Macote’s laugh blurring with Caul’s, he would hear the strum of Prani’s hallikset, and yet among them friends that he knew were butchered on Corsucant. Or did this mean that his present day friends were now among the dead? His questions would remain unanswered as the voices and whispers grew louder.

“Why didn’t you help her?” He would hear his mother’s quiet sobs, “They took Maliah..they got her… why didn’t you come back?”

Shaw wouldn’t just hear things, he would be transported to a different place entirely. He would see glimpses of his sister - terrified and running away from something. Guilt would begin to claw at Shaw as he would feel stuck in place. As if standing in quicksand, unable to reach out and stop what was happening.

“HELP ME!” Mal’s tiny voice shrieked, the growl of an abomination resounding just behind her.

@throwitintothefire

 

[Shaw Amaris]

Darkness engulfed the padawan in a cold, impenetrable embrace that urged him to put one foot in front of the other, to venture deeper into the cave and not look back. There were voices all around him, murmuring into one ear and then the other until they were inside his head. He couldn't escape them—the voices of some of his school mates, of the cute girl two floors up who had finally given him her number right before the razelings had showed up, of Mrs. McGrady from down the hall chattering about her cats while she made him the best panna cakes in the world.

Then he heard Macote and Caul laughing, heard Prani's nimble fingers strumming against her hallikset—it all felt so real. So tangible. His fingers reached out but grasped at nothing but darkness. Then brushed against something cold and pale and utterly lifeless. The face of one of his best friends back on Coruscant. Shaw jumped back with a start, jerking his hand back. Suddenly there were faces everywhere—the faces of people that he knew good and well had died on Coruscant commingled with the faces of the living. Or were they? How much time had passed? How long had he been in here?

"Is this real?" he turned to ask his master, but he wasn't there. Shaw was alone. Alone with the dead. He heard Mrs. McGrady's voice among the dead. Macote's. Caul's. Prani's. Shaw shook his head, hands grasping at the edges of his skull. "No, no, no," he muttered to himself, voice growing more defeated by the second, "This can't be real... it can't be. It can't be... Please don't be real. Please!"

There was no getting away from the reality that surrounded him by escaping into his own head. The voices, the faces—they were all around him. In his head. Worst was his mother's voice, larger than life in his mind and echoing off the cavern walls on every side. Eyes wet with tears, Shaw looked around. "I—I didn't know. Where is she? I'll—I'll go find her!"

"Always with the excuses," he could hear his mother snivel, could almost see the tears streaming down her face. What if this was real? Would it be so surprising, to learn that he had let all of his friends down? That he had failed to protect Maliah? Shaw had been useless back on Corellia. Absolutely useless. He hadn't helped anyone. Hadn't saved anyone. He hadn't even been able to save himself. Master Valtiere had had to do that too. Shaw was nothing more than an imposter playing dress up in these robes. He was no one's champion. No hero. No Jedi.

"Please!" Shaw begged, "I can do better! I won't let you down this time!" But wouldn't he? Wasn't that what he always did? Let people down? Fail? Maliah was running toward him now, eyes wide with terror and braids bouncing unrestrained, close enough to taunt him but just out of reach. Shaw couldn't move. Couldn't reach her. He was sinking. Drowning in something he didn't understand. He had never felt so powerless, his little sister running for her life as he just stood there and watched, helpless to do anything about it. He pressed a closed fist to his lips and squeezed his eyes shut for just a moment. Tears fell. "Oh... gods..."

Maliah shrieked, and something inside of Shaw snapped. He hadn't left Maliah behind on Coruscant, and he couldn't leave her behind here. 'Trust in yourself' he could hear Master Valtiere saying. It felt like years ago that he had spoken those words. 'Have faith. Find your courage.' Shaw was always throwing himself at the problem. Always winging it and assuming that he would figure it out as he went. One more time. One more time he would rush in blindly with nothing more than a hope and a prayer. One more time he would find the strength to trust in himself when all the odds were stacked against him. He had to believe in himself—had to believe that he would be better and do better just one last time. For Maliah.

Muscles tightened, ready to pounce, Shaw would attempt to jump forward and bring the purple blade of his training lightsaber down on the charging abomination. @Sreeya

 

[Sevrin Valtiere]

Shaw would succeed in his leap. However as he took that leap and freed himself from the binds of his own indecisiveness, he was thrown into a new world yet again. This new world presented him with impossible choices - he would see his Jedi friends on one side, his parents on another, his sister on another. They all began to sink into darkness, but he had to choose. He had to decide.

The anxiety of choice would press into his chest, and each element of fear would personify in this realm as a barrier - weeds around his legs, a wall of fire, or any other element that sprouted with his delays. Each second he wasted overthinking and letting his emotions get the best of him would expedite how swiftly everyone began to descend. It would all feel vividly real as if he was right there. He would hear Macote, Caul, Prani all screaming in agony, along with his sister or his parents.

Pain and suffering was something a Jedi faced often. Could Shaw keep his cool and make a choice and stick with it? Could he live without the toxic weight of regret?

@throwitintothefire

 

[Shaw Amaris]

The training lightsaber rent nothing but the darkness, purple plasma driving away some of the surrounding shadows. There was nothing there. No abomination. No Maliah. Just Shaw. Then he wasn't there either. He had been transported elsewhere. Here another choice had to be made, and Shaw would make the same choice as before—to save Maliah. His little sister. Innocent. Helpless. Defenseless.

Just when conviction or doubt began to set in he would be transported elsewhere. The locations differed, but the faces remained the same. Macote, Caul, Prani, and his family. Shaw chose Maliah time and time again, but every time he did the dying screams of his friends and family reverberated in his ears. Every time he did he would begin to doubt himself more and more. Guilt and regret settled in his stomach and refused to leave, no matter how many times he told himself that Maliah was the right choice. That she was the most helpless out of all of them. It didn't help. He was still disgusted with himself. Still wished it was him falling instead of his friends and family.

The cycle never ended. It just repeated itself over and over again. Shaw felt like he had fallen down the rabbit hole and wished he would just hit the bottom already. His head was spinning, unable to keep up with everything. Decision fatigue had begun to set in, but he couldn't check out. Eventually Shaw would begin to lean into something other than himself. He would lean into the force, allowing it to guide him. He went wherever the force led him, giving his mind over to it completely. Sometimes it led him to Maliah. Sometimes it led him to Macote or Caul. Sometimes to Prani or his parents. The guilt was still there, gnawing away at him, but he was learning to trust the force. Learning to yield to it in spite of his varying emotions. @Sreeya

 

[Sevrin Valtiere]

It wasn’t till Shaw began to lean into the Force that the reality started to distort around him. Bit by bit, the other realm faded and he would find the mossy surface of the cavern rocks. He would see a path ahead with rays of light shining through. Once he walked through it, he would be out on the other side. He would realize he had been in that cave from sunrise till dusk, the sun swiftly disappearing over the horizon.

The Sephi had been seated in meditation the whole time, and he slowly opened his eyes and rose to face his apprentice. Shaw would be both physically and mentally exhausted, but the lessons he took from the cave would remain with him forever.

“A Jedi must be prepared to witness tremendous suffering,” Sevrin said calmly, “We are often sent war-torn and devastated worlds. You will see atrocities that will make you question whether there can truly be any good in the galaxy. But you must understand that ‘good’ is not simply granted - one must fight to bring it back. As Jedi, we are empowered to do just that. We are empowered to bring faith back into the lives of those we protect and pull back from the jaws of despair. We must also make sure to do that for ourselves,” Sevrin explained, thinking back to all the times he had liberated planets and the costs it took. The meditation he had to do to center himself after what he witnessed, “You will never be able to help everyone, but if you trust in the Force and the choices you make, it will not consume you.”

He had already set up a camp for them both and he got to work setting some sticks up for a fire. Sevrin sat down in front of the firewood, waving his hand over it to ignite a small spark. The Sephi glanced over at Shaw, “Do you still speak with your family?” He asked. This trip may have been focused on training, but Sevrin also genuinely wanted to understand and know his apprentice.

@throwitintothefire

 

[Shaw Amaris]

Sunlight chased away the shadows, and Shaw chased after the sunlight. Like a moth drawn to the flame, he followed its rays out of the cave and found Master Valtiere on the other side, sitting in meditation with his legs crossed. It would be dark soon. Shaw shivered, slowly easing his aching muscles to the ground where he sat down across from his master and watched him begin to build a fire. The teenager was vaguely aware of the fact that he was really hungry, but he was too exhausted to dig through their supplies and find something to eat. Nausea, the residual effect of the guilt and turmoil he had experienced within the cave, was still with him.

"How do you deal with the guilt?" he asked when Master Valtiere had finished speaking, staring into the flame. He couldn't shake the image of his friends and family dying—of Macote and Caul and Prani and Maliah slipping away from him forever because of a choice he had made. Would he ever be able to look at any of them the same again or would those memories haunt him forever? What if he ever had to deal with real loss? Could he handle it? "Not being able to help everyone. Having to make hard choices."

Then, pulling his knees to his chest he answered his master's question. "Sometimes. Not as often as I'd like. They're pretty busy." He supposed he was too now. "Starting from scratch and everything." They had sent him to the order for safekeeping, but their fate would be decided by the stars. He wondered what they would think of him now? If he had changed much or if he was still all in all the same old Shaw. He already knew what they would think of his new studies. @Sreeya

 

[Sevrin Valtiere]

It was a valid question and it was one that Sevrin still struggled with. He thought back to the regrets he felt after the woman he loved was killed by Raze because she refused to divulge information on him. Sevrin remembered having to face the daughter of the woman he had loved and the old wounds tearing open all over again. And he remembered the choice he made to select the Jedi Order over a relationship with the woman he loved which meant he wasn't there to protect her when she died. He would be lying if he said the thoughts never crossed his mind.

“You keep moving forward,” Sevrin said simply, “You look towards the new choices you can make and the situations you can control. Death is a part of life and it does not do the dead or the living any good to let regret fester like an open wound,” He explained as he prepared some food over the fire, “The Dark Side is dangerous because it looks for cracks in your resolve. Your doubts, your fears, your regrets…they all create windows for the darkness to seep through and manifest. It makes one more likely to use those darker emotions to fuel the Force. It may feel stronger, but it ultimately weakens you as an individual.”

Sevrin handed over a bowl of vegan stew. It may have looked questionable, but it was quite tasty. He eyed Shaw for a moment, the boy’s body language making it clear he was still shaken from what he witnessed, “So I hear you’d like to learn more about saber training,” He said, hoping to coax Shaw out from a negative spiral, “What have you done so far?”

@throwitintothefire

 

[Shaw Amaris]

Keep moving forward and hope you don't screw up the next choice? That was pretty much how Shaw lived the day to day already. It was just that now he might have to face some actual real, lifechanging choices that mattered and affected others, not just himself. It was a lot to think about, especially considering everything he had seen in that cavern—the faces of the people he cared about the most slipping away from him forever.

Sevrin struck Shaw as the kinda guy that had learned everything the hard way, through experience, and not through some Jedi manual. How many hard choices had he had to make? How many people had he lost along the way? Losing someone—it seemed inevitable as a Jedi. Macote had lost his family and his master on the battlefield. Myla had lost her master. Prani had never known her grandfather.

"What about when it's your fault though?" Shaw asked, prodding around the bowl with his spoon. Whatever this was looked dubious, and Shaw didn't even know what dubious meant. "How do you just move on from that?" He tried not to picture the faces of his friends and family floating in the soup. He looked up, dragging something long and green with him on the spoon. "Is there meat in this?"

Shaw loved meat, but he would try just about anything once. Especially when he was this hungry. This might have looked dubious, but it smelled pretty great. Tasted even better he would find out when he slipped the spoon between his lips. "Think you might have missed your calling, master." Did he just call him master? Shaw couldn't help but tease, "Temples need a good cook like you."

Shoveling a few more bites into his mouth and burning his tongue, he said, "Not much. My buddy Caul taught me some basics. A few moves from Form I." He couldn't remember its name. Just that it sounded like a sneeze.

 

[Sevrin Valtiere]

“You trust that you made the right decision at the time with the variables available to you then. If it was truly your fault, the most you can do is learn from it and take it as a mistake you won't make again,” He said calmly, “Hindsight is always 20/20, padawan, do not let it eat you alive,” Sevrin said as he ate his stew. When Shaw asked if there was meat, he shook his head, “I am a vegetarian, I’m afraid,” The Sephi said. It was a trait common of his people, though it was entirely optional. He knew plenty of Sephi that enjoyed meats and roasts, his father included.

He didn’t react initially when Shaw made the quip about him cooking, sipping from his bowl, “You lead your fellow padawans on a successful mission and I will cook for the cafeteria one day,” Sevrin said flatly, finishing up his bowl, “Get some rest, tomorrow will be physically demanding.”

The Sephi didn’t dwell there much longer, sitting down in a deep meditation that was his version of sleeping. He was never truly detached, always somewhat alert of his surroundings. He would be still as a statue, his eyes closed and his back against a tree. And he would stay like that until sunrise.

When it was time to move again the next morning, Sevrin finally opened his eyes and rose from his meditation. He briefly disappeared to wash off at a nearby stream and freshen up before returning to the campsite.

“Wake up, padawan,” He called out, “We have a day ahead of us.”

Once Shaw was ready, Sevrin led the way to an open field. He used the Force to call forth a stick from a tree, handing it to the padawan, “Many jump right to forms without understanding some basic principles, things that even the academies sometimes fail to teach,” He explained, “Grip the stick as you would a hilt,” Sevrin said. Once Shaw did, he stepped forth and pulled off Shaw’s index and middle finger, binding them with a hairband, “In combat you will never just use a saber. You will rely on Force use, most of which require a physical gesture to wield. This means you will often take your fingers off the hilt but maintain a stable grip and keep combat going.”

Sevrin stepped back, “Show me what you have learned of Shii-cho.”

Regardless of what Shaw did, Sevrin would use the Force lightly in an attempt to make the stick fly out of his hand to test the grip.

@throwitintothefire

 

[Shaw Amaris]

"It's a deal," Shaw blurted out, riding the inspired high that Master Valtiere had encouraged with his pep talk. Master Valtiere pushed him like no one ever had. Made things so hard on him that he thought he might buckle under the pressure every time. But no one had ever made Shaw feel so fearless either, like he could do anything, be anything. The dark side induced memories still lingered, making him question if he would ever be fit to lead anyone anywhere other than to their own deaths, but the silver eyes staring at him from across the fire made him think that one day, if he didn't give up, he would be fit. Not just fit but the best fit.

He eyed the soup. The best vegetarian meal he had ever had if he was being honest, but he still really loved meat. "So long as I don't have to become a vegetarian too," he added, half joking, half serious. He wasn't sure just how far this do as I do master-apprentice relationship went.

Sleep came easily that night. Shaw was exhausted. The warmth of the fire and a full belly, head propped against a sleeping roll was just the right combination to put him to sleep. It was just a matter of seconds, his last thought wondering if Master Valtiere always slept like that or if he was trying to become one with the tree before he drifted off and slept like a log.

"I'm not the best multitasker," the padawan would admit the next day in the middle of the field. In fact he was just downright bad at multitasking. All you had to do was ask his mother. He waved the stick around a few times, testing in out like one must do. It was a good stick. Master Valtiere had chosen wisely. "So do I let the force guide my movements?" he asked, "Or do I decide what is the best movement?" Maybe that was a dumb question, but Shaw was curious. He wanted to learn, no matter how long it took.

Shaw brought the stick down in a straight vertical swing, just like one of the moves Caul had shown him, but the stick flew out of his grip before he could finish. It happened again and again until he got the idea that he really had to keep a grip on it, even with two fingers bound by hair tie. "You're doing that, aren't you?" he grinned over at his master, slashing at the grass in a straight horizontal attack, imagining he was disarming one of those pirates he and Caul had fought. This time the stick remained in his hand. @Sreeya