[size=+2]Tourniquet[/size]
[size=-2]Stand still, this won’t hurt a bit...[/size]
Give me laughter, I will choke it
Give me joy, I will drown it
Give me life, I will quench it
Give me blood...for I...thirst.
I have a twin sister. I will get that bit out of the way so we won’t bring it up later. It’s all good, though, she died. Ha. Wish I coulda been there. Better yet, no, I wish she was still alive...then I could do it myself. Lovely. Haha! Shall I do it with knives? Yes, yes, I should. Let’s see, where...?
I’m getting sidetracked, aren’t I? I do that. You will learn to love it. Really.
Well, let’s see, I was born at one time or other. Standard time-wise, that was about...35 years ago? Sounds right. I like it, anyway. Nice and round. Would be terribly dull to have an age like 37 and three-quarters. Or worse, one with lots of fractional number decimal things. I wonder if everyone at one time was pi years old? I suppose at one second or other they are. Does that mean at that moment, they’re ageless? I wonder.
Cup of caf? No? That’s fine, saves me time making it.
So, my life’s story, hm? Sure. Hm, life is an interesting thing. It amuses me. Well, after sissy disappeared and I read that she died, I decided to mope about it. I didn’t know any better. Well, that part of my life is boring, let’s get to the fun part! Ahhh...let’s see, what part was that? Ah...was apprenticed to a physician from when I was about 7 to...well 15 I suppose. Then I got a degree in it. That took a few years. Blah, that’s boring. Ah...well, they finally figured out I was Force-sensitive after a while. Living on Ossus will make sure that if you do, you’re found out about it. Didn’t mention I was from Ossus? Huh, how about that. Well I was. That meant the reason I was so good was that I was good at that “Force Heal” thing. What dull Jedi with too much time to sit on his haunches comes up with the names of these powers anyway? “Force Push,” “Force Jump...” it’s so stupid. “Awesome Leap” would have been cool...
Well, instead of training me, since I didn’t really care for it - He-llo, I just spent quite a few years getting a medical degree - I just looked up a bit about it in my spare time. Helped a bit with the “Force Heal” thing. You know what? I’m going to call it “Mend” from here on out. Get rid of the annoying prefix and that kind of thing.
Did I mention that the Jedi were totally boring? They don’t want me to feel any emotions. Being a robot is not cool, man.
Well, it seems I must have really had a lot of untapped potential running around in me or something, because the Jedi had a habit of hounding me about joining. A bit after this I killed the man I was apprenticed to. He kept on wanting to steal my credit and my patience. And he kept getting on my nerves. It’s a boring story, I won’t go into it. It wasn’t even a very creative killing either, so I’m kind of ashamed to claim it.
Well, I couldn’t let anyone find out about that little mishap, now could I? I framed someone and he was executed for it. Hilarious. Ha!
Well, I soon figured out that it would be nifty to have an extra arm for complicated surgeries. So! I got a third arm prosthetic. Nothing fancy, they don’t have the cool prosthetics you see in the holos. Reality stinks. It’s more like a tentacle than anything, with a quad-gripping triangle-thing at the end that smaller grippers can come out of if I need to do any fine work with it. In my spare time I sometimes sharpen the triangular gripper-things, mostly because when they’re locked together they form a pretty point. Great for stabbing. Oh, that’s this prosthetic right here, connected to the back of my head. Fits in my shirt when I don’t need it or when I feel like surprising people. Also blends in with my armor. Quite nifty. Power supply is sometimes a pain to deal with, but everything costs something.
Hm. I also think I might have killed a Jedi or two during this time, but I’m not sure. It can’t have been very exciting. Oh, well.
Ha! I know what you’re thinking! I used to be a sweet little medic, how disgraceful. I know, I know, I thought so, too. This all has a happy ending, hold your rontos. Chill. Seriously.
Well, then the real good stuff begins about now, because then an Ospion Guardian agent-dude found me and decided I was good enough to train. Well, she told me all about the order and I decided it sounded great. I mean, it was everything I ever dreamed. I didn’t have to worry about a destiny or just going down as They Guy That Fixed That One Guy’s Spleen. And plus, here’s the kicker...they revealed to me this...the galaxy...it is chaos. Chaos!
Beautiful.
Everything I wanted to do...it was a part of who I am. It could fix itself within the whirlwind that was chaos, that was life! Unpredictable, wonderful life. Ha! Beautiful.
Well, my master, she was a smart one, she was. Taught me a lot, though I wasn’t into some of the finer things like telekinesis or getting into people’s heads. That’s for old people. I prefer up close and personal raw damage! Force Push is definitely a favorite, I can use it to crush people, things. Ha! It’s fun.
Well, at first I was like, I just wasted quite a few years of my life learning to be a physician, then I was like, no way! With my expertise, it gives me an edge on, what else? Killing things.
Well, my master’s “Think it all through” mentality got the best of her when she had this whole elaborate plan that had her pretend to be dead, then revive herself later. She didn’t count on the autopsy. Hilarious.
Well, since then I’ve been training myself to be a kind of Marauder, I suppose. I got to be a Dark Master in Marauder-ing, so that says something, right?
How do I feel about the change of power to the Dark Jedi of the Bogan? Well, I came in after that little mess, and I don’t care who’s in power anyway, just as long as they don’t fetter me. I don’t work well cooped up. I don’t mind doing what they say as long as they do something with me. Like sic me on stuff. That’s fun.
Oh! I remember one mission in particular that was fun. I got captured by this little outpost of Jedi, I didn’t mind. They started questioning me with their lovey-dovey philosophy. I told the questioner I was going to tell him something special. I told him to look up at “something I’d written on the ceiling” and I stabbed him up through the head with my third arm. It didn’t go all the way through, though. That irked me. I kept on trying to get it to go all the way through but it just made the head wiggle around. While that was funny, I had other stuff I had to get to so I left it alone. There was also that time I used a longish dental drill to drill through someone’s tooth and jaw and right into his carotid artery. Now that’s funny.
How do I feel about the other Dark Jedi dudes? Don’t really care. Hm...that’s not a fun answer at all. Let’s see...I don’t really like Matu. He’s stuck in the past, and I’m like, the times move on, dude! And he thinks he’s special with all this philosophy junk. Pfft, whatever. I know what you're thinking! That I don’t mind holding on to the past because I use a slugthrower more often than I do my lightsaber! Feh, ranged weapons beat melee weapons any day. And slug wounds bleed a lot. If I ever have an issue for when I need to defend myself at close range, I have my third arm and I carry a knife. Never really use the lightsaber. Wasn’t trained much for it.
I like Issan, though. She likes killing Jedi, I like killing Jedi, it’s all good.
Go ahead, sit down, this story will be going on for a while longer. Comfortable? Good.
Oh, my cigarra? Yeah, I'm not as much of a health nut as I used to be. I don't use Armadu spice in this baby, though. Something with a bit more kick does me good.
Okay, what next? Ahhh...oh, though the Dark Jedi feed off pain and suffering, and thus my skills as a medic (I’m much more of an un-medic now. “Mend” can be used backwards, after all. I also interrogate people sometimes. It’s fun!) aren’t often needed. The weak die off, that’s the way of things. Sometimes though, I treat one or two Dark Jedi here and there if they’re deemed important enough. However, pain is vital to being a Dark Jedi, so...don’t bother preparing yourself for anesthetics...
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