Ask Raxus Training the Untrainable

[Kalique Baize]

When Kalique received a message from Knight Sere, she had admittedly been a little surprised at first. At the official celebration ceremony on Raxus after their win on Dathomir, Merian had given off vibes as though the Knight had not been interested in any conversations, but Kalique figured the mixed feelings, the grief about the Imperial losses and perhaps generally a bad timing had been to blame for the odd vibe between the two women.

She held no prejudices and so she immediately agreed to meeting her in the training center in their new HQ. Kalique was already dressed in a black leggings and a white top with her head up in a ponytail as she made her way to the room she had booked for the two of them. It seemed like Merian was in need of a mentor and thus the Knight had reached out to the Captain.

Kalique had plenty of experience in training Squires, but she hadn't gathered as much experience fully fledged Knights. It was her job to monitor them, but she was excited about the mentoring too and she was confident the two would get along better this time, so as soon as she reached the room, she got some equipment in place and mentally prepared herself. She didn't know much about her, but networking wasn't just important between the different Imperial branches, but just as important between different Knights, so the occasion was actually a great chance.

@Volene

 

[Merian Sere]

It hadn’t been easy asking for help.

But proud as she was, Merian had to face the obvious. Every mission as a Knight she ought to have died to her own inadequacy. On Botajef Maros had spared her for reasons beyond her comprehension. On Ord Trasi a TIE pilot had almost traded his life for hers when she was seconds away from the end. On Anzat she’d hid behind the Lord Commander like a dependent. And Moltok…

She didn’t want to think about Moltok.

But there was something else, too. Was it so wrong to think she had value? She’d helped Caleb in his time of need. Didn’t she deserve the same? One night when those feelings had been particularly insistent, she’d reached out. Now she almost regretted it.

When Merian made it to the training centre, ten minutes in advance, Knight-Captain Demici was already there. In a simple outfit, which surprised her. Merian had donned her full armor for the occasion. Wasn’t it important to replicate expected fighting conditions? She’d had her armor on Botajef. She’d had it on Ord Trasi. She’d had it on Anzat. And she’d sworn she’d get used to the damned thing.

“Knight-Captain.” Ever professional. “I didn’t expect you to beat me here.”

 

[Kalique Baize]

Kalique was close to wrapping up the room preparation before she had intended to quickly meditate. It didn't come to that though as Median arrived much earlier than expected. Kalique valued punctuality, yet it seemed like the two shared the trait of being overly punctual, which was why a smirk tugged at her lips as she turned around to face the woman.

"Knight Sere" she inclined her head to greet the other woman, "I love to be prepared" she added in explanation for why she had been so early as well. She was a little surprised about seeing her in full armor, given that from what Kalique had gathered from her message, this was more about her and the Force, but Kalique still wasn't sure about where this meeting was going anywhere, so while a new Captain armor was waiting in the closet to her left anyway, for now she was fine with her casual style.

"How have you been?" despite the friendly features, the Captain's tone indicated that she was honestly looking for an honest answer. She was informed about her missions, but if she needed help with the Force, Kalique expected her to approach this meeting openly.

It had been a while since their paths had crossed, but Kalique assumed something laid dormant behind the professional facade of the Knight. As she waited for her answer, Kalique moved into the middle of the room, her posture fully relaxed but the attentive green gaze directed at Merian.

@Volene

 

[Merian Sere]

“I’ve been...” The words hung as Merian tried to think of which one to say next, but after too long she opted to add nothing and leave it like that. She’d been. There, truth.

“I kept busy,” she rectified after a silence. Somehow more truth. “I think we all do.” There just wasn’t much to add.

Her eyes followed the Knight-Captain to the center of the room, unsure if her feet were meant to do the same. Then her gaze wandered around the room, over the equipment, wondering what awaited her.

“What is it you’ve prepared, if I may ask?”

@LadyRen

 

[Kalique Baize]

And there it was again. Just like at the Ceremony, the Knight was lacking words. Whether it was because she didn't want to talk or whether she simply didn't trust people easily, Kalique couldn't quite grasp yet. She evaded her question and Kalique slowly tilted her head, her eyes slightly narrowed.

Merian had seeked her out, so she needed the Knight to defrost a little and so she wasn't done with her question yet. "Surely we all are, but how have your last missions been?", she also wanted to know, hoping she'd elaborate a little.

"I'm confident I can help you, but that means we have to figure out what exactly you need help with", she then explained as she sat down. Her voice was fairly soft and calm with her emerald gaze resting on the Knight, her voice not commanding or anything. "Join me". She gestured for her to sit down across from her.

"I've adapted a few things from my Squire mentoring". Kalique didn't mind explaining, it probably helped easing the slight tension she perceived anyway. "Don't worry, I'm not going to treat you like a Squire at all. I'm rather using it for assessment".

Whether it was a general inhibition or a specific problem, Kalique had to know what she was working with. "How are you usually meditating?" she inquired, skipping ahead a little.

@Volene

 

[Merian Sere]

First, she followed the invitation and sat across from Kalique, in silence. It took Merian a moment to gather her thoughts. Her eyes drifted lower, down to the Knight-Captain’s chin, stopped there. Then she spoke.

“On Botajef...” On Botajef the man I love almost killed me. “On Botajef I came across a Sith who dispatched me without a second thought and left me for dead,” she said instead. “To this day I ask myself why he spared me. On Ord Trasi I was swarmed by Killiks after reconnaissance went wrong. On Anzat I stuck to the Lord Commander and let him do the work. Objective accomplished, in every case, but...”

Finally she looked Kalique in the eye. “I won’t always be so lucky.”

She sighed. What did she even need help with? She was never meant to be a knight. A frog-dog would never be a bantha no matter how much help you gave it.

“I take no offense, Knight-Captain. Training is training. It has no room for pride.”

At the mention of meditation, Merian’s lower lip curled in a half-a-second pout. She’d shelved ‘usually’. Truth was she still meditated like a Sith, the only way she knew. Fed her anger, focused it, directed it. It had always worked for her. But since the new order, she’d mostly stopped. It wasn’t worth anyone getting the wrong idea.

@LadyRen

 

[Kalique Baize]

Kalique emitted nothing but calmness. She couldn't pressure her into this, but she was opening Median would open up before they'd start as it would make everything easier for the two of them. As she sat down, a silence lingered once again, but the brunette decided to break it soon after.

Kalique listened patiently as she started to share what was on her mind, her gaze calmly resting on her as she looked up again. So she had fought a Sith and he had slared her. An interesting story that piqued her interest, but Kalique sensed it was wrong to inquire further for now, given how hard it was for her to speak about it. She wondered whether ISB knew what happened exactly, but this was a different issue.

She was here for Merian and to help, if she could, if the Knight let her, but the ice seemed finally broken. Kalique nodded softly, her brows sympathetically furrowed. Merian questioned her luck, Kalique sensed there was something else. "You want to take fate into your own hands...Ensure that you'll be safe and able to keep those safe you want to protect?", Kalique concluded.

The Knight-Captain knew about her past. She was one of those that had learned under the Sith and why this was no rare occurrence, it often gave reasons for unresolved issues. Merian didn't seem very confident in her powers and Kalique had seen it before. Imperial Knights were in a dangerous position and they always walked a thin line. As Merian didn't actually respond to her next question, Kalique gained all the answers she needed.

"Join me in this mediation. Close your eyes and relax. Find my presence within the Force and follow it" Kalique calmly explained, calmness radiating off her. She had an idea about why Merian held back as those who transfered from the Sith often lacked the guidance to find a way to expand their full potential without having the dark side overwhelm them, so Kalique planned on starting with that exactly.

@Volene

 

[Merian Sere]

There was that expression again, the flash of a pout, as Kalique summarized what she’d heard. No, that wasn’t quite it.

“I want to be useful,” Merian corrected. “When I’m assigned a task I want the power to see it through. Even unassisted.”

The plainer truth was unspeakable here, but simple enough: if Merian had wanted to take fate into her own hands she would not have chosen the Empire. She would have seized her freedom, like Maros. No, she’d stayed because deep down it suited her to remain a pawn. Not having the burden to think for herself.

At the Knight-Captain’s behest Merian closed her eyes and fell in a deep state of meditation. It had been so long. Her surroundings were unfamiliar, thick and muddy, like diving in swamp water. That had always been the Force to her. In time, she’d learned to navigate it. Groping around for the way when nothing else worked. Anger helped. If it didn’t make the Force any clearer, it drove her in the right direction, gave her purpose. Most of the time.

But today that was not what was asked. Merian looked around until she found the light, so much brighter than she was, illuminating the murky waters like the signal beacons from home. She swam towards it—she could at least do that. It was a strange feeling. Merian saw; others said they heard or felt, knew or sensed or imagined. There wasn’t a word to express it. But as she neared, Merian was certain she’d found the Knight-Captain sitting mere feet from her.

@LadyRen

 

[Kalique Baize]

"Even better. A determined conviction is what makes us strong" Kalique replied, a soft smile planted on her lips. It was determination that several Knights were lacking and it was dangerous. Determination and a discipline. Merian proved go have both, which was good to see.

Unlike the Sith, the Imperial Knights couldn't just rely on their emotions and use them as fuel. As darksiders, they still had to keep them at bay to ensure they were still in control of the darkside and not consumed by it. Their constant struggle, the sheer determination it took yo stay in control - it was part of their lives, same as the fact that they were servants of the Empire and their own lives mattered little.

Kalique didn't add anything else but instead closed her eyes. Her senses were fully aware of everything that was happening around and there she found Merian. While Kalique kept envisioning the room, it was much darker than it actually was, with her own self being the only thing sitting in some kind of a spotlight.

The Force calmly yet powerfully flowed through her as she reached out further as a subtle sensation of a cold wetness suddenly drenched her body. And then there was this faint light in the distance. She didn't pull it close, Merian needed to push through herself. She could feel her getting closer, but also that her steps were somewhat cumbersome, yet the glowing orb steadily grew.

Through the Force, Kalique amplified what Merian sensed, but this also resulted in her suddenly feeling a subtle pressure weighting her down, slowly encompassing her in something muddy as she guided their presences into one another. Merian approached further, until she was close, right across from her, but both women in their ethereal forms.

She mentally said, "Follow me" to her. Her voice was soft, yet coming from an imagined off and somewhat airy, barely more than a whisper and yet an instruction before Kalique pressed onwards. They needed to proceed, Kalique was guiding her, yet it would be Merian's mind that would lead them.

Thus, Kalique couldn't tell where they were going as it was related to Merian's subconscious. The Knight had mentioned Botajef, Ord Trasi and Anzat, so she had a few assumptions, but as they pushed through the swamp together, they'd both notice the atmosphere around them was changing quickly. An ecumenopolis skyline faded in, then again the swamp, an island, Valleys and Mountains that Kalique could identify as Anzat, but then there was nothing but the swamp again.

Merian would feel a familiar touch, but it was up to her whether she'd decide to figure out whose. They'd be back in the swamp, but it was even gloomier than before and the two women stood knee-deep in the mud. "What is this place?" this time it was Kalique directly asking her.

@Volene

 

[Merian Sere]

I… I don’t know, she answered, the honest truth. At first, surrounded by water, Merian had thought herself on Iloh, though she knew nowhere on her heavenly homeworld was water this murky. But this swamp? That wasn’t Iloh at all. Had it really come from her?

She was pondering what to make of this when she felt the touch. Violent, dragging her. Then his voice.

Show her, Merian. Are you ashamed?

The swamp gave way to depressing gray, metal quarters tightly packed. Industrial fetters.

Moltok.

No. No. Anything but this. In the distance, she saw herself make her way over with her orange lightsaber blade.

Their surroundings faded again, back to the swamp. But Merian knew her mind would return if she didn’t distract it with something else.

Another shift in scenery. Billows of smoke, ruins, a burning city. Troops marching. Merian marching ahead.

Ord Trasi, her airy voice rose to explain. Or Ord Trasi as it was, after the Killiks ravaged it. But what is the purpose of this?

@LadyRen

 

[Kalique Baize]

Kalique felt the wetness of the swamp permeated not only her uniform but also her skin. They had entered this meditation together, but with Merian's mind wandering, Kalique was also on a journey into the unknown.

It did surprise her when she said she didn't know where they were, assuming she had been here before and she wondered whether she was deliberately holding back information or whether it was truly hard to locate the place.

"If you want to strengthen your connection to the Force, you need to meditate regularly. If there's something inhibiting you, we need to figure out what it is". From what Kalique had already gathered, there were a few things on her mind. Things she maybe hadn't fully processed or recent events that still lift their traces. It was nothing out of the ordinary, but Kalique assumed there were definitely a few things she could work on.

"The subconscious is a miraculous thing...finding out why we've been taken here is something you'll have to figure out through meditation" Kalique could only help to a certain extent, and she regretted only being able to give her vague answers, but given the setting, she simply didn't have a lot more to work with.

Still, by connecting their spirits, she landed Merian some of her strength as she asked, "Do you perceive a pull in here? Is the Force pointing you in a certain direction?". Perhaps they could go further, deeper together, if they had a direction.

@Volene

 

[Merian Sere]

A pull. Merian focused. If that was all the help she could get, she’d try to make the best of it.

The Force did guide her to a particular scene, and Merian could feel the presence of the Knight-Captain following not far behind her. She recognized the devastated block, the Killik swarm. The lightsabers flashing fiercely for their lives.

I remember this, she said. But why would it bring us here?

The swarm grew and grew, overwhelming the knights on the ground. Soon the TIEs would come in and save their lives. Soon. Only they didn’t. Merian and Kalique watched from above as more Killiks leapt from the city center to reinforce their kin. The yellow blade went out, leaving only the orange one, her own, slashing left and right.

Wait... No, no, that’s not how it happened. For the first time, there was emotion in Merian’s voice, a twinge of panic. Someone came. This is wrong. The TIEs... I promise, Knight-Captain, that’s not how it happened. Someone came...

@LadyRen

 

[Kalique Baize]

Kalique followed the woman through the swamp, keeping her presence all calm and slightly veiled even as she knew it could serve as fuel for other spirits lingering somewhere here. She'd only offer amplification if she needed it, but as she began walking, it seemed like she had found something.

"Maybe there's something unresolved here...something the Force wants to confront you with again" she mused, continuing to follow. She'd suddenly sense the nervousity rising within her and so she'd calmly reply, "It's fine. Maybe it's not just a memory". Maybe it was more. A riddle she had to solve, or a confrontation to overcome.

"Maybe this time they won't" she stated rather bluntly as she figured that could have been it. Maybe that was her task. "Merian, you can do this" she saw the swarm, watched it grow. It worried her. But it was just an illusion. For her, this was easier to assess as it wasn't in her head, but she knew damn well how hard such challenges could be.

"Focus, Knight Sere" While her voice had been softer at first, it was more determined now. "The Force is at your side. Use it". It was hers to command, and even if she struggled, Kalique was there and she stayed. Guiding her, amplifying her powers, hoping to give her the courage she needed.

@Volene

 

[Merian Sere]

Seeing herself swarmed left Merian almost suffocating—could one suffocate without a corporeal form?—especially now that she realized the ending she knew would not happen the same way. This whole time, she’d barely paid attention, only waiting for the TIEs to come in and rescue her. Something unresolved? Merian couldn’t see what. Not her brightest moment, perhaps, but the flight group backed her up and she’d more than redeemed herself, saving one of the pilots in turn and even an Ord Trasian child left in the burning ruins of the capital city. The army had arrived, the swarm had been exterminated, Ord Trasi had joined the Empire. So why this?

Regardless, Merian had to find a way out, and fast. She hadn’t ever faced this many Killiks on that day. Her lightsaber would not be enough, lest she tire herself having barely killed half of them.

I...

But she knew what to do. The Force at her side. She felt the borrowed power, the Knight-Captain like beckoning her to her destiny, and embraced it.

On the ground, Merian unleashed a formidable blast that knocked all the Killiks back several meters, reminiscent of what she’d seen from Varyn. Like in a dream, the Killiks faded away then, a memory forgotten or a purpose met. The Merian from the echo pressed onward.

I’m confused, said the Merian from the present, watching herself go. If the Force showed me this, it has to be to tell me not to rely on others. But that power... I know it came from you. Not me. So what am I to make of it?

@LadyRen

 

[Kalique Baize]

Kalique waited, watched, and assessed. Merian seemed to be getting closer to panic or perhaps desperation, now that the course of events had changed, but she had a simple solution for that just a moment later. To use the Force, their natural weapon and most powerful means of fighting for what mattered - the Empire.

While Kalique amplified Merian's powers at first, she soon withdrew, giving her an approving nod as she handled the Killik. "That wasn't me, that was you" she explained, a smile tugging at her lips. "You don't believe in yourself. How can you fight for the Empire, the one thing you do believe in, when you don't trust your own powers?" she asked directly, however motioning for her to continue. Perhaps their shared mediation would lead them anywhere else.

"You're loyal and dutiful, I can see that, but if you want to progress, work your way up, there will be the time where you'll give orders instead of following them". It seemed like Merian was in need of guidance, and while that was totally fine for now, it seemed like there was a hint of uncertainty that dulled her decisiveness. "Tell me, why do you fight for the Empire?". Perhaps and easy question, but the nature of it wasn't that simple: had she chosen the Knights because the Sith hadn't been an option, or was it a willing decision.

@Volene

 

[Merian Sere]

That was me, she echoed. It was hard to pretend she believed it. Truth was her powers had let her down before. On Korriban, she’d never been one of the gifted acolytes, quite the contrary. They’d tried coaxing feelings out of her that were never there. She’d been beaten. Called weak. Such had been the lot of several students, but in her case time had proven them right. She’d compensated in other ways.

In the vision, Merian was on the run again, indeed leading them somewhere else after clearing the Killik swarm. But as she next spoke, their surroundings again faded, replaced by something else.

I am more than my powers, Knight-Captain, Merian answered, almost insolently, a question that had likely been rhetorical. There are other ways to fight.

A diminutive bedroom, if it could be called that. Barely a closet, in fact, large enough for a mattress and a smidge of room by a window. That was where Merian squeezed herself. Macrobinoculars in hand, casually dressed, a blaster pistol and a vibroknife on the floor by her, she kept watch. On the mattress, close enough to touch if she reached out her arm, Maros slept. Ryloth. That same feeling of dread took her again when she realized what she was showing Kalique, but it resorbed quickly. This was innocent enough.

The two questions were one.

I don’t fight for ranks, Knight-Captain. I had my place, in the Empire, in the Galaxy. I fight to get it back.

@LadyRen

 

[Kalique Baize]

Merian had always been somewhat hard to read for her, but admittedly, they haven't yet worked together often. Kalique wanted to help, and for the first time she saw actual progress, which was a relief. They were unraveling a lot together and she was certain there'd be long lasting effects.

The answer she gave was the right direction. Fierce determination and unwillingness to give up. Yes, of course she was more, but it was good to see that confidence was growing. She said nothing but kept following into the next scene, the imagine being somewhat blurry for her, but it began to make sense soon.

There was a room and a man sleeping on the bed. She hadn't seen him before, but it wasn't hard to tell he was a fellow Imperial. Median spoke again, and obviously, Kalique knew what was in her file. Together with what she wore, it all made sense. She had had a place before, but she had switched, perhaps even having been forced to convert as force sensitives only rarely stuck to other branches, but it all helped Kalique understand.

Perhaps that was it. Perhaps that was why working with and utilizing the Force was more difficult for her, given that she potentially questioned whether the Knights of the New Order were the light end destination. "So you'd rather return to you'd old life?" she asked, implying that she wasn't just referring to her old job, but the nod indicated she meant the man, too.

@Volene

 

[Merian Sere]

The scene carried on for several seconds with no answer. There wasn’t much movement, just Merian scouting out and her partner getting rest. Soothing. Then the meditation ended altogether, like her mind had pulled the alarm and kicked everybody out.

The two knights were back sitting face to face. Merian tried to remain impassible, but her chin was quivering, a dam about to break.

“It’s stupid, I know,” she let out. Something escaped her then, halfway between a sob and nervous laughter. From then on she couldn’t hold back a few tears from flowing as she spoke. “It’s all gone. You know they test new hires for midichlorians now? Wouldn’t want someone like us to sneak by them and do something awful, like serve.”

Merian took a deep breath, like to regain control of herself. Or maybe it was a sigh, giving up. She couldn’t go much lower than crying in front of her superior. The tears had stopped flowing, but her eyes and cheeks were still all damp.

“I’m sorry, Knight-Captain. I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I thought I was above pipe dreams... Well, here it is. I never did get used to the armor.”

@LadyRen

 

[Kalique Baize]

It was as if Kalique's words lingered in unknown, infinite space, echoing through space and yet never finding an answer. The atmosphere wasn't tense, but Kalique saw she was pondering on what to reply. And suddenly, they found themselves in the training center again.

Kalique inhaled slowly, her emerald gaze calmly resting on her. She was about to break, and wasn't choosing to hold it back anymore, slowly making Kalique understand what was truly happening here. While she had found her home, her very place to be within the new order of Imperial Knights, Merian had never felt like home.

Her gaze sympathetically softened at her honest words, pondering on them for a moment before she chose her own words carefully. "It's okay, you don't have to apologize. Not for being honest" ever. It was exactly what they needed and what actually brought them forwards. Kalique now understood her much better, yet it let to many other questions.

What now? It was neither treason nor disobedience, it was a desperate struggle against existing structures even if Kalique knew she had tried fitting in. She had been part of important missions and of the Order for a while, yet in her case, with her abilities even, this here perhaps wasn't the best place for her to serve.

Maybe there was a way, Kalique had always been someone who tried to help, who wanted to make things better, someone who tried taking her of every Knight regardless of their rank, but she knew the rules, too. "I'll see what I can do" she told her, her voice still relatively low, but her voice all serious.

However one question kept lingering in her mind, not because she was nosey, but because it strongly seemed to be related to her struggle. "The man we just saw...is he still with the ISB?". Kalique sifted slightly, straightening her back, nothing but calmness radiating off her.

@Volene

 

[Merian Sere]

Spoiler: Merian’s theme

I’ll see what I can do.

Merian smiled at her, a sad thing. She didn’t expect much to come of it, though she did appreciate the sentiment. A Knight-Captain’s word wouldn’t hold much weight in the grand scheme of things. No knight’s would, especially on this. The ISB would never compromise. Not after the recent media storm had shown how much of a sore spot it still was.

At least she was relieved to find Kalique more understanding than she’d apprehended. How much worse this could have been if she’d cracked in front of the wrong person. So accepting and non-judgemental the captain seemed that even as she asked about Maros, Merian entertained the foolish thought of telling her the truth. But she made no such mistake. If she said the wrong thing here Kalique would just as easily have her detained for treason.

“No. He isn’t.”

At first, she stopped there. It was so easy to fall back into her shell. But it was obvious by Kalique’s reaction this answer wouldn’t be enough.

“When the order came, I surrendered my lightsaber before I even thought to speak with him,” she resumed, like going back to tell a story from the start. “To me it was the obvious choice. I trusted he would make the same. But then a week passed. Two. Not a word from him. You remember how chaotic it was, back then...”

Merian paused. Her eyes fell to the floor and stayed there for a long moment before she could continue, shaking her head.

“It was a month before I had to face the obvious. His silence didn’t mean he had no time to call. I’d seen him for the last time on our joint mission to Nar Shaddaa and I didn’t even know it. Didn’t get to say goodbye...” Her voice was defeated, but there was no risk of crying again. “Not that I would have wanted to. He’s with the Sith now. In the end, I guess I never really knew him as well as I thought.”

“What about you, Knight-Captain?” she added after she was done. “Did you lose anyone close to you? When it happened?”

@LadyRen