Joke thread.

[Sovereign]

I went to my doctor the other day to talk about contraception. She said "You could try French letters." Confused, I asked what that was. She replied, "Condoms." I replied that I didn't like them so she suggested, "You should try the French Army method." Intrigued I asked what it was and she said, "Pull out before you get into trouble."

I know this is a joke but just FYI: In France it is the English who have a cowardly reputation; Hence the expression; "Filé à l'anglaise."

 

[Remer Ather]

ROFL's!

A leper walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender comes back with it, and throw up in it.

"Sorry, sorry, I'll get you a new one."

The bartender goes back, gets a drink, and throws up again, he does this three more times. Finally the leper gets fed up.

"Look," he said, "I know Leper skin is disguesting, but you don't have to--"

"No no!" The Bartender said, cutting him off, "It's not that! It's the Blind man behind you using your back as a Chip Dip!"

 

[Scarface]

Some more Helen Keller for ya.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?

You would too if your name was Ehhhhnuuuhh.

 

[Matt]

I know this is a joke but just FYI: In France it is the English who have a cowardly reputation; Hence the expression; "Filé à l'anglaise."

France just have a cowardly reputation everywhere else, says it all really.

 

[Ols]

I know this is a joke but just FYI: In France it is the English who have a cowardly reputation; Hence the expression; "Filé à l'anglaise."

My French teacher told me that. I do wonder why though, it's not like we actually do run away all the time...

 

[Markus]

My wife and I went to a cattle auction. A sign said:

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ........ ..You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,


'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'



My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable, and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[Sovereign]

My French teacher told me that. I do wonder why though, it's not like we actually do run away all the time...

I believe it comes from the Hundred Years' War. After being defeated by the French, England fled continental Europa back to the British Isle.

 

[Wing]

I believe it comes from the Hundred Years' War. After being defeated by the French, England fled continental Europa back to the British Isle.

That is a joke itself! LOL!



There are two guys in an asylum. They decide to break out. Once on the roof, one jumps across. The other is too scared, because of the distance. The one who jumped says "I have a flashlight, I will shine across the chasm and you can walk on the beam of light." The other one shook his head no and said, "Do you think I'm crazy? You would turn it off when I was halfway there."

 

[Regret]

Wanna hear a joke?




Equal rights.

 

[Sovereign]

Wanna hear a joke?




Equal rights.

Here's a better one:

Women's right.

 

[Regret]

Here's a better one:

Women's right.

**** you I involuntarily lol'd. D:

 

[Wing]

Here's a better one:

Women's right.

They complained about how they couldn't vote and join the military, and yet they do neither.

 

[Sovereign]

**** you I involuntarily lol'd. D:

:/

 

[Regret]

:/

:\

 

[Jake]

 

[DhehKappa]

That is a joke itself! LOL!



There are two guys in an asylum. They decide to break out. Once on the roof, one jumps across. The other is too scared, because of the distance. The one who jumped says "I have a flashlight, I will shine across the chasm and you can walk on the beam of light." The other one shook his head no and said, "Do you think I'm crazy? You would turn it off when I was halfway there."

Dude....

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night... one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling... So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But the second guy just shakes his head. He says... he says "What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."

...that is bad. Pay attention.

*badass*

 

[NE1]

what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?






nothing...
you already told her twice.

 

[Ser Gregor]

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The god damned dishes if she knows what's good for her.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark!

A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

 

[Dan.]

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The god damned dishes if she knows what's good for her.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark!

A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

I lol'd so hard, nearly fell outa mah chair.

 

[Niner]

A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

a better version of the last one is

A man runs over his wife in the driveway. Whose fault is it?
The woman, she shouldn't be out of the kitchen.