Kan Finakto

[Dimaggio]

NAME: Kan Finakto
FACTION: Jedi
RANK: Padawan
SPECIES: nautolan
AGE: 16
GENDER: Male
HEIGHT: 5'10
WEIGHT: 150 lbs
EYES: blue
HAIR: None
SKIN: Green
CREDITS: 1,000
DISTINGUISHING MARKS: Cybernetic
FORCE SENSITIVE: yes

STRENGTH: 5/10
DEXTERITY: 6/10
CONSTITUTION: 7/10
INTELLIGENCE: 6/10
WISDOM: 5/10
CHARISMA: 7/10

FORCE POWERS: Push, Pull, Jump, Lightsaber Throw,

SKILLS: lightsaber dualing, strong for his age, Stealthyness

LIGHTSABER/SWORD FORM: Form one

STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES: Lightsaber dualing, strong , stealthyness , bad with Blasters, bad at space fight,

GEAR: Brown Jedi Robes, jedi armor, training lightsaber, utility belt,

SHIP:
Delta-7 Aethersprite-class light interceptor

DROIDS: mouse droid

PETS: akkdog

PERSONALITY: Kan finakto is calm and cool under preasure in mission he will get the job done and take the bad guy in custody. If one guy gets out he will go after him in a hurry. He can persuade the enemy and find were the stolen item is or the guy that bought it from the guy that stole it.

BIOGRAPHY: Kan Finakto was separated from his brother and now his brother is in pursuit of being a mandalorian. Kan Finakto's father told him if he found his cousin to take care of him and look out for him if he can keep his cousin safe to do it. So at the age 6 he started training for the jedi his father was a jedi so he inspired him to be a peace maker instead of a murderer. his father taught him a little bit about the way of the jedi his dad thought he would be a good jedi.

So that's why he wanted to become a jedi and to look for his cousin after his missions so he can show his cousin the jedi ways so they can be together for a long time.so he started training to be a jedi and follow in his father footsteps and he wants to have only one padawn at a time when he is a knight. So he can give his full attention to the one student so he can make that one student the best he can be as long as it takes he will never give up on any single person not his master not his students not even the any of the jedi. Kan Finakto he finally found his cousin but not the way he wanted his cousin was dead on Kashyyyk so he had to postpone the way of the jedi so he can tell his family about this tragedy. Since his cousin died it inspired him to be the best he can ever be in the way of the jedi.

So he is looking for some one to be his jedi master so he can be the best jedi he can ever be through his father, and remember what his father taught him when he was younger. In Kan's mind he is thinking how high in the jedi order he can be by the time he is older , and to show his father he made it in the jedi order. To say that I finally made there dad I'm not useless like any other child I will fight for peace no matter what the cost. He will go through the toughest battles there are to fight after every battle he will say this is for the jedi order.

Kan Finakto was hunting one day he was looking for some food when he got to river to get some water when he got a little bit of water while he got some waterhe was attacked by a akkdog. Kan Finakto tried to defend him self the only thing he had was a knife so he tried to stab the akkdog's, But the akkdog was to fierce Kan Finakto was just about to stab the akkdog. Before he could stab him the akkdog ate his left forearm off he contacted his family so they can take him to the hospital. When Kan and his family got to the hospital the doctor said the only way they could fix it was to get a robot forearm. Kan had to let heal for one month before he could use that arm so he waited the month. when the month was over his father said not to go hunting for couple more months so it won't happen again.

Kan asked his father who's going to get our food his father said that he would get the food Kan said what if you get hurt to. He said I'll deal with the pain Kan asked are you going to go to the hospital if you get hurt his father said yes I'm not stupid. He said I'm not going to deal with the pain that way I'm going to get surgery on it, and get a robot arm or leg when his father got back home he had all his ligaments. Kan's father said I'm not going to get hurt as bad as yours so he got food for the family so he was the hunter until Kan gets healed all the way.

Kan Finakto possessed the starfighter was when he was younger his father worked on building the starfighters for the Jedi he worked there for 12 years. The manager of the manufacturing of the starfighters said he worked there for so long that they'll give him a good deal on the starfighter his father said how much. The manager said he would give him one for free as long as he keeps working as hard as has always.

 

[Fang.]

First of all, welcome to SWRP!

Now onto business.

I am going to be blunt, and I apologize in advance, but both your character and some of your writing skills need work. Most of this pertains to your bio.

1) your writing, I apologize, but it is rather horrendous, I am very confused by much of your writing especially your over use of the pronoun "guy". Is just bad. Be more specific. Also, please try to use proper grammar such as capitalizing things like Jedi, and the beginnings of your sentences when possible, I don't mind the odd grammar mistake, because I do it sometimes too, but yours is just over kill.
2) your skills confused me, what the heck is "add endurance"? Skills are things like repair, electronics, piloting etc.
3)separate. Your strengths and weaknesses into 2 catagories, strengths, and weaknesses. Also, expand on them, how is he strong or weak in certain areas?
4)specify your starship and post it in the tech forum.
5)your bio. Oh my lord your bio. I don't even know where to begin. Tell a cohesive story! Have your sentences flow! Include your characters emotions! Go in depth! How did he get his robotic forearm?!?!!? Stick in either first person or third, dont flop between. There is so much that needs to be fixed here that I can't even explain it all.
5) please, look at other people's characters to get a better idea of how to write a character!
6)please feel free to PM or VM me, or any other person on the forums if you have questions! We would all be more than happy to help!

Please remember that I am not trying to tear you down or make you feel unwelcome on this site, I truly would love to RP with you, but after you fix your character.

All the best!

-Fang
Jedi Watchman

 

[Master Maverick]

Leucien, you should try to be a bit more tactful when critiquing a character's profile. He might not be a native English speaker and/or a younger individual with less experience in writing. There's really no reason to be so harsh.

With that said, I'm going to try to be a little more tactful and offer some suggestions and more specific ideas of how you can improve the character profile. I'll start off by saying that the idea you have is good. Nothing wrong with that. It's just the execution could use some work.

NAME: Kan Finakto
FACTION: Jedi
RANK: Padawn
SPECIES: nautolan
AGE: 16
GENDER: Male
HEIGHT: 5'10
WEIGHT: 150 lbs
EYES: blue
HAIR: None
SKIN: Green
CREDITS: 1,000
DISTINGUISHING MARKS: one robot fore arm
FORCE SENSITIVE: yes

STRENGTH: 5/10
DEXTERITY: 6/10
CONSTITUTION: 7/10
INTELLIGENCE: 6/10
WISDOM: 5/10
CHARISMA: 7/10

FORCE POWERS: Push, Pull, Jump, Lightsaber Throw,

SKILLS: lightsaber dualing, added endurance, Stealthyness
LIGHTSABER/SWORD FORM: Form one

STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES: Lightsaber dualing, added endurance, stealthyness , bad with Blasters, bad at space fight,

GEAR: Brown Jedi Robes, jedi armor, training lightsaber, utility belt,

SHIP: starfighter

DROIDS: mouse droid

PETS: akkdog

PERSONALITY: Kan finakto is calm and cool under preasure in mission he will get the job done and take the bad guy in custody. If one guy gets out he will go after him in a hurry. He can persuade the enemy and find were the stolen item is or the guy that bought it from the guy that stole it.

It's Padawan, not Padawn.
Rather than 'robot forearm', I think it would be more clear if you put 'cybernetic'. Though, that's not really a big deal.

Personally I prefer descriptions for Stats, but it's certainly not a requirement.

I would suggest adding a bit more detail as to how he learned what he knows in his bio.

"Added endurance" isn't really a strength. In an RP it really mean nothing. This isn't a video game. Consider this character as an actual person. Would you tell someone, in real life, that their strength is 'added endurance'? Probably not. That and there's no real mention of lightsaber dueling (dual means 2 of something) in the bio.

What kind of starfighter? There's literally dozens of them out there already in the Star Wars universe alone, never mind all the ones people have made up and the possibilities of making on yourself. That and you'd need to explain in the bio how he got one.

That last sentence in the personality is confusing to me. First of all, persuasion would be a Force Power, but again should be described as to how he learned it in the bio. But 'or the guy that bought it from the guy that stole it.' Do you mean that he can persuade the thief (rather than 'enemy') to return the stolen item?

BIOGRAPHY: Kan Finakto was separated from his brother and now his brother is in pursuit of being a mandalorian. Kan Finakto's father told him if he found his cousin to take care of him and look out for him if he can keep his cousin safe to do it. So at the age 6 he started training for the jedi his father was a jedi so he inspired him to be a peace maker instead of a murderer. his father taught him a little bit about the way of the jedi his dad thought he would be a good jedi.

So that's why he wanted to become a jedi and to look for his cousin after his missions so he can show his cousin the jedi ways so they can be together for a long time.so he started training to be a jedi and follow in his father footsteps and he wants to have only one padawn at a time when he is a knight. So he can give his full attention to the one student so he can make that one student the best he can be as long as it takes he will never give up on any single person not his master not his students not even the any of the jedi. Kan Finakto he finally found his cousin but not the way he wanted his cousin was dead on Kashyyyk so he had to postpone the way of the jedi so he can tell his family about this tragedy. Since his cousin died it inspired him to be the best he can ever be in the way of the jedi.

So he is looking for some one to be his jedi master so he can be the best jedi he can ever be through his father, and remember what his father taught him when he was younger. In Kan's mind he is thinking how high in the jedi order he can be by the time he is older , and to show his father he made it in the jedi order. To say that I finally made there dad I'm not useless like any other child I will fight for peace no matter what the cost. He will go through the toughest battles there are to fight after every battle he will say this is for the jedi order.

Kan Finakto was hunting one day he was looking for some food when he got to river to get some water when he got a little bit of water while he got some waterhe was attacked by a akkdog. Kan Finakto tried to defend him self the only thing he had was a knife so he tried to stab the akkdog's, But the akkdog was to fierce Kan Finakto was just about to stab the akkdog. Before he could stab him the akkdog ate his left forearm off he contacted his family so they can take him to the hospital. When Kan and his family got to the hospital the doctor said the only way they could fix it was to get a robot forearm. Kan had to let heal for one month before he could use that arm so he waited the month. when the month was over his father said not to go hunting for couple more months so it won't happen again.

Kan asked his father who's going to get our food his father said that he would get the food Kan said what if you get hurt to. He said I'll deal with the pain Kan asked are you going to go to the hospital if you get hurt his father said yes I'm not stupid. He said I'm not going to deal with the pain that way I'm going to get surgery on it, and get a robot arm or leg when his father got back home he had all his ligaments. Kan's father said I'm not going to get hurt as bad as yours so he got food for the family so he was the hunter until Kan gets healed all the way.

So, this really is all over the place. Sorry to be blunt.

You start off with mentioning his brother, but then continue on with his cousin. Either way, why? Why were the separated and why does his brother want to be a mando? Then, why is Kan looking for his cousin? He's looking for him so Kan's cousin can look after him? Why would he be doing that if his father can look after him, given that you (sort of) described his father teaching him about the Jedi and training him a bit?

What missions? You didn't write anything pertaining to his entrance into the Order, so then where are these missions coming from and what are they?

There's really no need to describe his possible actions and reason when/if he becomes a Knight. It really has nothing to do with his story and only ties you down in terms of character development. I really only wanted 1 Apprentice at a time for Ashara, but I'm changing that due to her change in character.

So, after finding his cousin's body, he went looking for a Jedi Master to train him. What happened to his father? You infer that they're separated - how?

Just so you know, aspirations of rank are pretty much frowned upon by the powers-that-be. A Jedi's goal is to defend and protect the freedom of sentients in the galaxy, not see how important they can become in the Order.

Again, what he will do really has no place in the biography. It's a history of what has already happened to the character. You can allude to hopes and dreams he might have at a particular time in his life, but, again, you're tying him down to a specific path without ability to change in the future.

So, the akkdog ate his arm and... just left him? Seems unlikely. Even so, there's quite a bit of development that could have happened with that - how he felt and what he thought immediately after losing part of his arm. Then you could go on to explain how his mind changed and all that.

Anyway, now his father's back... again, where did he go before that? Why was Kan even hunting for food in the first place? Where was he (what planet)? Why is his father back now?

The dialogue you have really should have quotes and some periods to separate the ideas.

That last part... it just seems random. I'm not sure what it means and why it's significant to the overall story.

 

[Fang.]

Leucien, you should try to be a bit more tactful when critiquing a character's profile. He might not be a native English speaker and/or a younger individual with less experience in writing. There's really no reason to be so harsh.

Yea, your right. Unfortunatly I am not always a tactfull person, I didnt mean to be harsh. :CHappy

Sorry Dimaggio, Just trying to help.