Ask Reminiscing Problems

[Ephiny Daivand]

Since the day that Laeonas was “invited to leave” the Jedi Order by the Grandmaster, Ephiny spent most of her days locked working in the Archives or meditating on the gardens, trying to understand how she could have failed with her Padawan after she tried so much to help the Brentaalan.

Even if the others say no, what had happened with him was her fault, more than it was his. After all, she was his Master and should have noticed that he still had problems. If he acted that way, it was because Ephiny was a terrible teacher. Laeonas probably hates her now, for having promised to help him and then failed.

Now, she was alone in the gardens of the Jedi Temple meditating. Like how she used to do these days, the Archivist was thinking about her failure and trying to find a way that she could have avoided it. So far, the Knight had thought of thousands of possibilities, but none of them seemed to be satisfactory.

Since she had started to do it, Ephiny would not only reflect about what happened with Laeonas, but also that it could mean that she wasn’t a good teacher and perhaps not even a Jedi. Alone in the gardens, the Archivist contemplated if she should stopping teaching Galactic History to the Padawans.

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

"You're going to cause the plants to wilt with all this negativity."

It was said with an obviously teasing lilt - the kind of comment that Crix Aran was known throughout the Temple for making to try and break the ice. Sitting down in front of the archivist as she tried to meditate and ruminate on a topic that was clearly dragging her down, Crix set a small bottle of water down in front of her as he sipped from his own.

The half-Zabrak had been going through some of his training when he had sensed that someone was alone in the garden and appeared to not be quite as serene as one might expect. Having realised who, precisely, it was he had an idea as to why she might not be quite so serene but it wasn't his place to just throw it out there as an assumption - it was up to her to want to tell him or not.

So instead he interrupted her train of thought with his very presence, sweaty and dressed in work-out gear rather than the traditional trappings of a Jedi.

He probably didn't look the part of a concerned fellow Jedi... but he was.

"Wanna talk about it?"

@LouJoVi

 

[Ephiny Daivand]

Ephiny’s musings were interrupted by someone’s voice. Turning to see who had talked, the Archivist saw that it had been Knight Crix Aran. She never interacted with the Zabrak before, but had heard how he used to be playful. Unfortunately, she wasn’t in the mood for that.

“Good morning, Knight Aran.” she said, watching the Zabrak sit and put a bottle of water in front of her. “Thank you.” Ephiny picked it and sipped some of the liquid. She had been there for so long that she forgot about bringing water with her. It wasn’t the only thing that she had forgotten these days.

Due to the feeling of guilt for failing with Laeonas, Ephiny had become distracted. While she wanted to jump at her work in the Archives, the Knight couldn’t concentrate on what she was doing. Sometimes she would barely accomplish anything, while in others she would do everything wrong.

Whatever she tried, her thoughts would always return to her Padawan. Ephiny gave him so much hope, only for him to end being expelled from the Order. She was certain that Laeonas hated her right now.

“It’s a long story.” Ephiny wondered if she should tell him about her problems. After all, a Knight like him probably had more problems without listening to what a failed Archivist had to say. However, she was tired of maintaining it only for herself. “I'm thinking about how I failed with my Padawan. Due to my lack of vision he was expelled from the Order.”

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

Well if he was hoping her blues could be cleared up by a bottle of water he'd both be disappointed and an absolute fool. So he settled himself in for a little while longer. There were tasks that needed seeing to but the good thing about having some authority within the Temple was that he could delegate a lot of things to Knights and Padawans.

If he trusted them to do a decent job of course.

"I've got time."

And he did.

Every story worth telling was a long one in one way or another. In some shape or form, there was a depth to it that made it worth telling because it was worth hanging onto. Raising an eyebrow, he hummed a little bit at her response before taking a sip of water and thinking on what she had said.

"Sorry to hear that." he admitted before asking, "How did that happen? I know you've just said it happened because you failed as a Master and I'm not sure I believe that but - how did he actually get expelled from the Order?"

He hadn't heard of anything too explosive so it might (hopefully) not have been a terrible split from the Order as some people had done in the past.

@LouJoVi

 

[Ephiny Daivand]

Ephiny sipped some more water, thinking about how she was going to tell it to him. Laeonas’ actions weren’t exactly terrible, like the Jedi that recently were expelled from the Order because they tied Wookies outside of a ship. However, it was still something to be ashamed of.

“He was expelled because he offended another Padawan during some type of party. The problem is that he is already an adult, while she was only a child.” Ephiny decided to start by the circumstances that caused it. “He even made her cry. His actions weren’t worthy of a Jedi and because of that Master Voran asked him to leave until he was prepared enough to continue with his training without causing this type of problem again.”

“I’ll not defend him, what he did was wrong. However, I believe that it’s my fault more than it was his. When I asked to be his Master, I knew that he had problems. His past was full of darkness, but he wanted so badly to not be consumed by them.” she remembered when they met for the first time in Jabiim and how the Brentaalan wanted to not be a monster.

“When he arrived at the Temple, he was suffering from a mental breakdown and we worked to help him pass through it. I thought that he was well enough to socialize with other Padawans, but then it happened.” Ephiny felt defeated, perhaps if she had seen that Laeonas wasn’t well, she would be able to avoid this situation.

“I had promised that I was going to help him be not only a good Jedi, but also a better person. Then I fail to notice that he was still unstable to deal with others. I’m a terrible Master.” she sighed, before drinking more water. Ephiny wondered if she should stop teaching Padawans about Galactic History, since she was a total failure as a teacher.

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

Crix took a drink of water as he listened.

As he listened, the fuller picture became clearer and he had a memory of who it was she was talking about. He had never gone on any missions of the like with the man but he had heard of him through the Temple grapevine, such as it was. Thinking about his response for a moment, Crix let out a small sigh before setting his water bottle down.

"Ephiny - are you a qualified therapist?"

It probably felt like it came out of the blue but he didn't really let her answer - as much as she might like to. The whole point that he was trying to make was...

"No, you're not. I know you're not because when I first came to the Temple, after experiencing the Dark Side with the Eternal on Sullust and after knowing, deep in my heart, that my mother had been captured? Tortured? All because of me?"

He flashed a weak smile.

"I looked around the Temple for a therapist and none of the Knights, Masters or even Councillors was one. They could all try, of course. They could feel emotions - how could they not be great impromptu therapists after all?" he argued before shaking his head and pointing to Ephiny, "If you act the role of therapist without training, you can do more harm than good. By not acting like one, by acting like a friend, a confidant and support system? You did. The right. Thing."

Crix leaned back and looked up at the sky in silence for a moment.

"Doesn't change the result, that he's gone and he might not come back. But you can take some kinda pride in it I think? Some kind of solace in knowing it wasn't your fault."

@LouJoVi

 

[Ephiny Daivand]

While Ephiny waited for Crix’s answer to what she had said, she contemplated if it wasn’t silly on her part to throw her problems over another Jedi. Even if he had asked about what was bothering the Archivist, the Zabrak probably had more important things to do rather than listening to the frustrations of someone else.

Then, the Zabrak had started to speak. Ephiny paid close attention to what the other Jedi was saying. She didn’t know about Crix's experience with the Dark Side or about what happened with his mother. Now she felt even more silly for acting this way about Laeonas leaving the Order, while there were people that suffered worse things than her.

When Crix finished talking, it was time for Ephiny to reflect about what he had said. Even if she felt as a failure for not being able to help her Padawan to become part of the Order, the Archivist needed to agree with the Zabrak . She wasn’t a therapist. While she thought that Laeonas was getting better, it could only be her fooling herself and not being able to see that he wasn’t still well enough to deal with others.

“Maybe you are right, but I still feel as if I had failed with him. See, I had promised that I was going to help him.” Ephiny finally said, after some time reflecting about his words. “Now I fear that I’m not a good teacher. I give History classes for younglings and Padawans, but since it happened I feel as if I can also fail with my students.”

“Perhaps I should ask the Council to be replaced.” she loved being able to teach, but if her capacities were dubious or even dangerous to her students, then it was better if she stopped doing it for their good.

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

Being right wasn't what was important here - that was something he had come to realize a while back when he was trying to figure out the best way to help people. Sure, sometimes it helped to be right but often the main focus should have always been on making the other person feel so much better.

Right didn't factor into it so much.

"I'm sure there's a great Jedi in the past who probably said something about how failure is the greatest teacher." he observed with a hum, "Probably someone wise and special and such - I don't know, my history studies were focused on droids more than anything else."

He shrugged before pointing to Ephiny.

"But I can give you some absolutely unsolicited advice from Crix Aran - font of dubious wisdom." he gave her a little smirk before looking back up at the sky, "Even if, for arguments sake, you failed. If you go ahead and quit before you even try to get 'better'? To prove that you can get it 'right'? Then you've already failed at each and every attempt without even trying. You let one screw up define you and how's that fair? We're all more than our worst fuck ups."

Dubious wisdom given in the typical Coruscanti-lower level tone that Crix Aran was rather well known for at this point.

@LouJoVi

 

[Ephiny Daivand]

Ephiny paid close attention to what Crix was saying. He was right. The Archivist would have really failed if she didn’t try to continue doing things to get better as a teacher. She needed to remind herself that Laeonas was her first Padawan and she needed to use her experience with him to also be a better Master for any future Padawan.

“You are right. If I give up now, I will not be capable of becoming a better teacher in the future.” Ephiny said, a smile appearing on her lips. “By the way, you are wiser than you give yourself credit. You don’t need to talk like a centenary Jedi to show it. Although, I would be careful with the cursing when talking. The Council would not be happy to hear it.”

Then, she drinked the rest of the water in the bottle and offered it back to Crix. “Thank you for your words. I think that I needed to hear it.” while she wasn’t going to be consumed by her failures, Ephiny still feared the reaction that Laeonas would have when he saw her again.

The Archivist got up from where she was seated and turned to the Zabrak. “Now I need to go, I have a class to give.” she wasn’t going to avoid it anymore, Ephiny would return to her obligations immediately. “By the way, would you like to go with me? I’m going to talk about the history of Yavin IV to the Younglings.”

@Nefieslab