Star Wars: Episode I - The Chosen One

[Brandon Rhea]

I can understand the Windy thing. I like it and don't plan to change it, as it's one of the nods to the original drafts of the saga that I love paying homage to. Honestly, I was never a fan of "Windu." Always made me want to say "window" for some reason, lol. Regardless, the respelling is also meant to signal a new direction for the character, since I didn't like Mace Windu and thought he was just another Sam Jackson carbon copy in a long line of Sam Jackson carbon copies after Pulp Fiction. Like I said, though, I completely understand where you're coming from with that name.

Why the nagging about Annikin, though? Is it because it's just a personal preference change that has absolutely no bearing on the story, therefore making it seem somewhat pointless and irrelevant? Note that that's not what I think about my own character. I was just wondering if that's what you were going for lol.

 

[Johnnysaurus Rex]

I can understand the Windy thing. I like it and don't plan to change it, as it's one of the nods to the original drafts of the saga that I love paying homage to. Honestly, I was never a fan of "Windu." Always made me want to say "window" for some reason, lol. Regardless, the respelling is also meant to signal a new direction for the character, since I didn't like Mace Windu and thought he was just another Sam Jackson carbon copy in a long line of Sam Jackson carbon copies after Pulp Fiction. Like I said, though, I completely understand where you're coming from with that name.

Why the nagging about Annikin, though? Is it because it's just a personal preference change that has absolutely no bearing on the story, therefore making it seem somewhat pointless and irrelevant? Note that that's not what I think about my own character. I was just wondering if that's what you were going for lol.

1. Well I can completely understand that. I never got to read too much into your Windy character so I'll admit I probably made an ass out of myself in assuming he was just Mace with a new name. Though as you see "window" Windy reminds me of "Windex".

2. I was listing the Anakin ===> Annikin thing as something minor that didn't bother me. Sorry if it seemed like nagging. I first saw it as you changing it for no reason, but seeing this more fleshed out and better written character I believe you are completely justified in the name change.

 

[Brandon Rhea]

1. Well I can completely understand that. I never got to read too much into your Windy character so I'll admit I probably made an ass out of myself in assuming he was just Mace with a new name. Though as you see "window" Windy reminds me of "Windex".

It's not as apparent right now that he's different, actually, since he's just been introduced. Essentially, though, I'm taking the logical canon side effects of vapaad (ie, bordering on the dark side) and actually using it in the story instead of brushing it off to the side like it's not there. Mace will tread a fine line.

2. I was listing the Anakin ===> Annikin thing as something minor that didn't bother me. Sorry if it seemed like nagging. I first saw it as you changing it for no reason, but seeing this more fleshed out and better written character I believe you are completely justified in the name change.

Sorry, didn't meant to imply you were nagging. When I said that I was referring to how you said minor things were nagging at you. Sorry for the confusion, lol.

To be honest, though, changing the name to distance myself from the canon Manakin Skywalker actually never even crossed my mind. Basically, here's the reason for the change, from SWF:

When Rhea decided to rewrite the entire saga, fellow fan fiction author Victor Dorantes convinced him to change the name to Annikin Skywalker, as Dorantes felt it "look[ed] much better this way."[14] After some consideration, Rhea decided to change the name to Dorantes's suggestion based on the fact that the name Annikin was from the original drafts of Star Wars, something that Rhea frequently draws inspiration from.[13] In those drafts, Annikin Starkiller was the proposed lead character of what would become Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, playing a similar role to what Luke Skywalker played in the completed film.[15]​

I also felt it looked better. It was just a minor personal preference change.

Also, I had another few questions based on your first comment. Sorry, I'm a feedback whore:

Good/natural dialogue, flow, characterization, and the word choice is good for setting the mood bringing about emotions that you want the reader to feel.

Anything specific you liked about the dialogue, flow, characterization, etc? What do you think of the other characters like Obi-Wan, Dooku, Queen Arcadia, and Logan Amator?

just by how you described Sarus I immediately saw him as a despicable and untrustworthy person.

Why was that? I set him up as sort of a "I wonder what he's up to" character, so it's interesting to see why someone leaned a certain way in knowing the type of character he was.

I am also impressed with your take and reworking of these characters and how you have set them up in new ways

Anything specific? :p

 

[Johnnysaurus Rex]

Anything specific you liked about the dialogue, flow, characterization, etc? What do you think of the other characters like Obi-Wan, Dooku, Queen Arcadia, and Logan Amator?

Why was that? I set him up as sort of a "I wonder what he's up to" character, so it's interesting to see why someone leaned a certain way in knowing the type of character he was.

Anything specific? :p

1. I first questioned Obi-Wan not under the direct tutelage of Qui-Gon, but you made me like it being Dooku. I do love that you actually made Annikin and his mother actually seem to have a loving relationship. It's something that I never really felt Lucas did right and used her as a convenient piece to kill off in the movies. Dialogue I have seen between Dooku and Obi-Wan was also quite nice.

2. Just the opening bit of this latest chapter suggesting that Annikin and Obi-Wan couldn't exactly trust Sarrus. The point that "Sarus' word" was an oxymoron kidn of hammered it home. Though I think this was the first time for me reading this character. Me missing your intention is probably that.

3. The Dooku and Obi-Wan relationship for one is right now my favorite. Also this inclusion of Maul.

Like I have said, this is me judging it with limited time with the series and questionable outlook on it. I'll be sure to try and give you a more constructed comment/criticism when I have finished the entire thing in its "to date" entirety.

 

[Brandon Rhea]

1. I first questioned Obi-Wan not under the direct tutelage of Qui-Gon, but you made me like it being Dooku.

Yeah, I enjoy the tense and bitter relationship between Obi-Wan and Dooku. Have no fear, though. Qui-Gon comes into the story a few chapters from now and is still a pretty important character.

I do love that you actually made Annikin and his mother actually seem to have a loving relationship. It's something that I never really felt Lucas did right and used her as a convenient piece to kill off in the movies.

Honestly, I don't think I did anything more or less than Lucas in that regard. I think you can very much see a loving relationship between Anakin and Shmi in The Phantom Menace, the film which, IMO, was the only one of the prequels done well (save for a few issues I have with it). It made her death in Attack of the Clones all the more powerful, at least for me.

Dialogue I have seen between Dooku and Obi-Wan was also quite nice.

That's very fun for me to write. Dooku is great to write because I just try to think of the doucheiest non-Jedi thing to say, and then I have him say it. Obi-Wan always tries to maintain a calmness, but, as you can see in chapter 12, that doesn't always work.

2. Just the opening bit of this latest chapter suggesting that Annikin and Obi-Wan couldn't exactly trust Sarrus. The point that "Sarus' word" was an oxymoron kidn of hammered it home. Though I think this was the first time for me reading this character. Me missing your intention is probably that.

Ah yeah, I can see why you'd automatically get that by starting to see him in this point of the story. He's briefly seen in Chapter 6, but fully introduced in Chatper 9 where I make him a bit of a "what's he up to?" character.

Also this inclusion of Maul.

What specifically about him do you like so far?

I'm assuming you read Chapter 14 (the one right before the latest one). If so, what did you think of OMG SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT Ussej's inclusion?

Like I have said, this is me judging it with limited time with the series and questionable outlook on it. I'll be sure to try and give you a more constructed comment/criticism when I have finished the entire thing in its "to date" entirety.

Looking forward to it!

 

[Green Ranger]

To me, this is not happening and Star Wars is how it has always been, not... this poopy diarrhea doo-doo ass SHIT.

:CHappy:

 

[Brandon Rhea]

To me, this is not happening and Star Wars is how it has always been, not... this poopy diarrhea doo-doo ass SHIT.

:CHappy:

I don't like you.

 

[Green Ranger]

I don't like you.

I get that a lot.

 

[Isis Kun]

I just meant realism in the way you chose your words, so that in the readers mind (at least mine) the story seemed like it could, or was actualy happening.
It might be easier for me to dismiss the odd names than others, but i get how hard it is to change them as they have already ben embedded into history as Anakin/Obi-Wan/Windu.

 

[Brandon Rhea]

I just meant realism in the way you chose your words, so that in the readers mind (at least mine) the story seemed like it could, or was actualy happening.

Well I'm glad to hear that. That's been said before (Matt compared it to Battlestar Galactica) so it's good that the opinion is carrying over to multiple people.

It might be easier for me to dismiss the odd names than others, but i get how hard it is to change them as they have already ben embedded into history as Anakin/Obi-Wan/Windu.

Well stuff like Anakin to Annikin and Windu to Windy would only be minor things for people, since you still know who it is. With other ones, though, I can understand why people might get confused. For example, as you know, I changed the name of Naboo to Utapau, as Naboo was called Utapau in the original drafts of The Phantom Menace. I've had a few people think that it was actually the Utapau seen in Revenge of the Sith instead of Naboo with a new name, so that's an understandable bit of confusion. Most people have understood it, though, so it hasn't been a major problem.

 

[Matt]

I enjoyed the last chapter, thought it was rather good.

Now that will tide you over until I can think of something better!

 

[Brandon Rhea]

What did you enjoy about it specifically? Also, I never heard your thoughts on Chapter 14 either. There were a lot of revelations and new story elements introduced there, so I'd be interested to hear your feedback on that one too.

 

[Sovereign]

I thought the punctuation was rather good. Also, the way the words were written was top notch. I liked the little " things you did before and after dialogues. It really helped me discern the dialogues between the narration. Great work, keep it up.

 

[Brandon Rhea]

I thought the punctuation was rather good. Also, the way the words were written was top notch. I liked the little " things you did before and after dialogues. It really helped me discern the dialogues between the narration. Great work, keep it up.

You have no idea how much that means to me. <3

 

[Matt]

Ok, I liked the opening bit with Anniikin firs kinda showing off his anger in an intimidating way. Came across a lot better then in the movies as it seemed so much more realistic.

In the real world people don't suddenly get angry and g on a killing spree so his harshness against Sarus was good and it was interesting how much it hurt him, I didn't think it would bother him to much.

The best part of the chapter for me was the final page, Sarus final words came across as being so very cool and makes me want to read the next chapter!

 

[Sovereign]

Stop rewriting your damn story.

 

[Brandon Rhea]

Stop rewriting your damn story.

This is only the first time I've rewrote it, and it's going to be the final draft (save for whatever tweaks will need to be made after the whole thing is finished).

 

[Johnnysaurus Rex]

Just finished the whole thing.

First, like I stated before, I really enjoy the little twists you put on the story. Combining numerous aspects from The Phantom Menace and The Clone Wars was really interesting to me. My favorite reworking is still Dooku and Obi-Wan's previous Master/Padawan relationship and it was interesting picturing Dooku in Jedi robes and a non-red saber.

Putting Darth Maul in a position where he is more of an antagonist is working nicely and I just enjoy this iteration of him more than how he was portrayed in Phantom Menace. Binks actually being useful was a nice change of pace and I actually like the character how you have him. Putting Annikin at an older age than Anakin is also a nice approach.

I can see what you meant about Sarus. Now understanding his actual role shed more light on the character instead of him being the bad guy I thought he was. The "mystery man" status you wanted has now been put upon him (same with that Logan fellow) and as Matt said his last words in the chapter have me waiting for the next.

Giving more insight into The Lars family and having Annikin actually interact with and establish a relationship with them is refreshing. As I said, I didn't really care much for how the original mother son relationship played out. Now Annikin actually having Owen and Cliegg as part of his regular family just reads better and introduced more interest in them as minor characters.

My favorite chapter at the moment is "What You Take With You" as I enjoyed Annikin's experience within the Temple of Desire. It is also here that your story definitely differentiates itself from the other Star Wars stories I have been introduced to. While it was interesting to see Ussej make an appearence it wasn't really my favorite just because he displayed tremendous power and seemed like an out of nowhere thing. Still, it's your story and I'm still very interested in the entire thing.

My only complaint is as always...

Needs more Vo. :)

 

[Brandon Rhea]

Ok, I liked the opening bit with Anniikin firs kinda showing off his anger in an intimidating way. Came across a lot better then in the movies as it seemed so much more realistic.

If this was the movies, he would've been whining about how he was being held back and how he was the most epically powerful person ever. So yeah, you're definitely right there, in my (of course) humble opinion. Anakin Skywalker was annoying because all he did was bitch and whine over what seemed to be irrational and paranoid reasons. Annikin, on the other hand, as a good reason to be pissed.

In the real world people don't suddenly get angry and g on a killing spree so his harshness against Sarus was good and it was interesting how much it hurt him, I didn't think it would bother him to much.

Well you really have to consider how much Annikin's been through in such a short amount of time. In the span of three days, he's told that he's supposed to destroy an evil army, only to have that expanded upon and learn that the Ophuchi believe he's going to be the savior of the galaxy, and then to have Lilith tell him that the Lettow think he's actually going to be the destroyer of the galaxy. Add to that the shit Sarus pulled in Arrakeen, you've got yourself one pissed off kid at the breaking point.

The best part of the chapter for me was the final page, Sarus final words came across as being so very cool and makes me want to read the next chapter!

I'm glad you like that part. I was hoping it'd be effective in doing that.

First, like I stated before, I really enjoy the little twists you put on the story. Combining numerous aspects from The Phantom Menace and The Clone Wars was really interesting to me.

I'm glad you liked the mix of both canon and new stuff here. Just to clarify for people though, when Johnny says "The Clone Wars" I think he actually means Attack of the Clones, because I've not based anything in here on that stupid TV show.

Anyway, I'm glad to see that you think it's effective so far. In the first draft of this, people said that the beginning (ie, the initial parts of the invasion plot) seemed like I was taking a red pen over the canon Episode I. What they meant was that it seemed like I'd only changed a few names and reworked a few lines of dialogue while keeping it relatively the same, which people said took away from the story.

I fully intended to have the beginning of the invasion mostly the same, then to branch out into new non-canon stuff later, but it simply wasn't effective. The beginning wasn't interesting for people, so I knew that it needed some work. That's why there's now some new treats like the battle in New Centrif, as well as some other subtle yet effective enough differences to keep people interested.

My favorite reworking is still Dooku and Obi-Wan's previous Master/Padawan relationship and it was interesting picturing Dooku in Jedi robes and a non-red saber.

I can't remember if I asked you about this last time we spoke, but what is it specifically that you like about the relationship between Obi-Wan and Dooku?

Putting Darth Maul in a position where he is more of an antagonist is working nicely and I just enjoy this iteration of him more than how he was portrayed in Phantom Menace.

I do like what Lucas did with Maul. I think that the limited screen time and dialogue really helped with the mystery and evil surrounding him. He was almost like a, shall we say, storm demon, and he really portrayed a strong image of Lucifer that I thought worked really well.

What specifically do you like about Maul, outside of him being more of an antagonist?

Any thoughts about how Sarus thinks Maul is the Dark Lord of the Sith? You think he's right or wrong? I mean since this is an AU story, it's anyone's guess. I've certainly not introduced Darth Sidious in any way, and maybe I never will. Something to think about as you consider that question. :p

Binks actually being useful was a nice change of pace and I actually like the character how you have him.

Glad you like him so far. I haven't used him all that much since the story left Utapau, but he does become a pretty important figure as the story continues to move forward, mostly when we get back to Utapau.

And to quote a convo between me and Sin a little while back:

ME: so what else did you like about TCO?
Sin: the fact that jar jar binks isn't an annoying douche
​

I guess I did my job lol.

Putting Annikin at an older age than Anakin is also a nice approach.

Totally agree. I like what Lucas did in showing Anakin at the peak of his innocence (in case you hadn't noticed, I think Episode I was the absolute best of the prequels by a LONG shot), though the kid ended up getting annoying. Had they chosen the second kid they were considering, I think it would've turned out a lot better.

I can see what you meant about Sarus. Now understanding his actual role shed more light on the character instead of him being the bad guy I thought he was.

He's certainly not the good guy though. I'd say his intentions are good, but in the end he's a fanatic and can't really think well because of that.

The "mystery man" status you wanted has now been put upon him (same with that Logan fellow) and as Matt said his last words in the chapter have me waiting for the next.

Glad you're looking forward to more. Per what I said to Matt above.

So Logan is mysterious, huh? Why's that? Is it because he's a completely original character and his future is completely up for grabs? If so, that's good. That's absolutely how I want it. I will say this though, and I say it since I've said it before on SWF. I'll quote you from the article on Logan:

Hinting at the character's future, Rhea alluded to the possibility that Amator will be the father of Alexander Arcadia, the son of Sabé Arcadia. While discussing secondary characters, including Amator, in The Chosen One, Rhea suggested that Amator will be "very important to [Queen Arcadia] now and in the future," and that "Alexander Arcadia...has to come from somewhere."[2] Also alluding to this is the fact that "amator" is a Latin word for "lover."​

Giving more insight into The Lars family and having Annikin actually interact with and establish a relationship with them is refreshing. As I said, I didn't really care much for how the original mother son relationship played out. Now Annikin actually having Owen and Cliegg as part of his regular family just reads better and introduced more interest in them as minor characters.

That was important to me, because a huge weakness in Luke going to Owen and Beru at the end of Episode III is the fact that they had no relationship with Anakin, so they're barely qualified to be "uncle" and "aunt." I really wanted a strong relationship with the family, particularly between Cliegg and Annikin.

My favorite chapter at the moment is "What You Take With You" as I enjoyed Annikin's experience within the Temple of Desire. It is also here that your story definitely differentiates itself from the other Star Wars stories I have been introduced to.

Star Wars stories as in fan fiction? If so, how? Just curious.

While it was interesting to see Ussej make an appearence it wasn't really my favorite just because he displayed tremendous power and seemed like an out of nowhere thing. Still, it's your story and I'm still very interested in the entire thing.

Ussej's role throughout this whole story will become clear. He's meant to by a mystery right now, particularly to those who have a basic understanding as to what happened to him before this book. Basically, you should be asking yourself questions like "Where did he get these powers?" or "Why and how did he suddenly just appear out of nowhere?" and "How did he know to appear out of nowhere?" Those are all questions I wanted you to ask.

My only complaint is as always...

Needs more Vo. :)

How's that horse? Has he been beaten raw yet? :CHappy:

Thanks for taking the time to write all that out, and hopefully to answer my questions!

 

[Johnnysaurus Rex]

I'm glad you liked the mix of both canon and new stuff here. Just to clarify for people though, when Johnny says "The Clone Wars" I think he actually means Attack of the Clones, because I've not based anything in here on that stupid TV show.

Yeah, I meant Episode II. Typing out The Phantom Menace must have snapped that out right after that.

I can't remember if I asked you about this last time we spoke, but what is it specifically that you like about the relationship between Obi-Wan and Dooku?

I just think it is interesting to see the characters interact so much more as opposed to me only seeing them as enemies and exchanging quips before or during a fight. It's also refreshing to see what Obi-Wan would have done under a more strict teacher.

I do like what Lucas did with Maul. I think that the limited screen time and dialogue really helped with the mystery and evil surrounding him. He was almost like a, shall we say, storm demon, and he really portrayed a strong image of Lucifer that I thought worked really well.

What specifically do you like about Maul, outside of him being more of an antagonist?

My only real insight to Maul as a character came from a book I read in middle school. It was a childrens book and even in that he didn't speak much. I also was very interested in Maul and the feel he gave off so for me it is a treat to see him out and about and doing other things aside from being in two fights. My favorite line was when he told Nute that he was Hell. Even if it was a bit cheesy I thought it was really badass.

Any thoughts about how Sarus thinks Maul is the Dark Lord of the Sith? You think he's right or wrong? I mean since this is an AU story, it's anyone's guess. I've certainly not introduced Darth Sidious in any way, and maybe I never will. Something to think about as you consider that question. :p

It may be my bias from the movies but I don't think Maul is THE Dark Lord. While it's completely open whether you'll put Sidious in or not.

So Logan is mysterious, huh? Why's that? Is it because he's a completely original character and his future is completely up for grabs? If so, that's good. That's absolutely how I want it.

Part of that and because just how I reacted to him being introduced and what has been revealed through the omniscient narration. I must have misread because I thought he would have ill intent.

Star Wars stories as in fan fiction? If so, how? Just curious.

As in just any Star Wars story. It just seems like your story is more geared towards a fantasy tale and quite a bit more mystic. What I mean by that is I am noticing more of an inclusion on the Prophecy and it being more of a focal point. It's not a bad thing.

Ussej's role throughout this whole story will become clear. He's meant to by a mystery right now, particularly to those who have a basic understanding as to what happened to him before this book. Basically, you should be asking yourself questions like "Where did he get these powers?" or "Why and how did he suddenly just appear out of nowhere?" and "How did he know to appear out of nowhere?" Those are all questions I wanted you to ask.

I just assumed it had something to do with the Whills. While I am not too familiar with all that and the Bendu I actually didn't question it a whole lot. Jesus can all the power he wishes.

How's that horse? Has he been beaten raw yet? :CHappy:

Thanks for taking the time to write all that out, and hopefully to answer my questions!

The horse will be tenderized till I have extracted satisfactory amounts of Vo.

Thank you for writing the story and taking the time to read my comments. I am quite interested in seeing the Mandalorians role in this clone creation.