Joke

[Niner]

What's the difference between an American girl and an arab girl?
American girls get stoned before they commit adultery.

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[FONT=Courier New, Courier, mono]A professor teaching medicine at the university was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

Lesson learned![/FONT]

All of them are funny, but the second one is the best


You Must Be A Redneck If
* You recycle your own toilet paper

* Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad

* You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

* You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."

* Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."

* The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.

* Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.

* You hunt from your bedroom window.

* Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

* You refrigerate your food stamps.

* You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.

* You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.

* Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.

* You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.

* You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.

* You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.

* You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!

* The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"

* You take a beer to a job interview.

* You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.

* When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.

* You go to Goodwill to meet women.

* You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!

 

[Dexington]

Redneck jokes are the lowest form of comedy and are just about as unfunny as Sarah Silverman.

 

[Brandon Rhea]

Redneck jokes are the lowest form of comedy and are just about as unfunny as Sarah Silverman.

Sarah Silverman vs. Bob Saget

Which one sucks more?

 

[Captain Kara]

Costa (father): ‘I want you to marry a girl of my choice.’
Son: ‘I will choose my own bride!!!’
Costa: ‘But the girl is Bill Gate’s daughter..’
Son: ‘Well, in that case… ok’
Next Costa approaches Bill Gates.
Costa: ‘I have a husband for your daughter….’
Bill Gates: ‘But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!’
Costa: ‘But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.’
Bill Gates: ‘Ah, in that case… ok’
Finally Costa goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Costa: ‘I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.’
President: ‘But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!’
Costa: ‘But this young man is Bill Gate’s son-in-law.’
President: ‘Ah, in that case… ok’

And that my friend is how Greeks do business

 

[Sabre]

Costa (father): ‘I want you to marry a girl of my choice.’
Son: ‘I will choose my own bride!!!’
Costa: ‘But the girl is Bill Gate’s daughter..’
Son: ‘Well, in that case… ok’
Next Costa approaches Bill Gates.
Costa: ‘I have a husband for your daughter….’
Bill Gates: ‘But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!’
Costa: ‘But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.’
Bill Gates: ‘Ah, in that case… ok’
Finally Costa goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Costa: ‘I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.’
President: ‘But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!’
Costa: ‘But this young man is Bill Gate’s son-in-law.’
President: ‘Ah, in that case… ok’

And that my friend is how Greeks do business

Haha, that's a cheeky one.

 

[Kit]

How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. But it takes five doctors to get it out again...

 

[Emma Lou]

How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. But it takes five doctors to get it out again...

I didn't think it was funny

 

[Regret]

Costa (father): ‘I want you to marry a girl of my choice.’
Son: ‘I will choose my own bride!!!’
Costa: ‘But the girl is Bill Gate’s daughter..’
Son: ‘Well, in that case… ok’
Next Costa approaches Bill Gates.
Costa: ‘I have a husband for your daughter….’
Bill Gates: ‘But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!’
Costa: ‘But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.’
Bill Gates: ‘Ah, in that case… ok’
Finally Costa goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Costa: ‘I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.’
President: ‘But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!’
Costa: ‘But this young man is Bill Gate’s son-in-law.’
President: ‘Ah, in that case… ok’

And that my friend is how Greeks do business

I don't get it. ;_;

 

[Sabre]

I don't get it. ;_;

It's a clever (though impractical) way to get money.

 

[Regret]

It's a clever (though impractical) way to get money.

Ah well then. :COkay:

 

[Sabre]

Ah well then. :COkay:

Get a job, it's easier.

 

[Ser Gregor]

How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. But it takes five doctors to get it out again...

lol that's bad.

 

[Cailst]

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Colliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some rubbish eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conqured France and addresses the crowd in the Colliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his nonsense, I'm off to France to check this out."
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Colliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"
The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000 !!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Colliseum then across at Brutus and says "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing.........

Away Gauls count double in Europe."

 

[Ser Gregor]

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Colliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some rubbish eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conqured France and addresses the crowd in the Colliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his nonsense, I'm off to France to check this out."
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Colliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"
The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000 !!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Colliseum then across at Brutus and says "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing.........

Away Gauls count double in Europe."

"France" didn't exist back then, it was Gaul. Neither did "Britain", it was Britannia. Also, that was not funny at all.

 

[The Count of Monte Cristo]

I know some good jokes, but they take audiences who don't get offended easily.


I didn't find anything funny in the joke above.

 

[Ser Gregor]

I know some good jokes, but they take audiences who don't get offended easily.


I didn't find anything funny in the joke above.

Look over the previous pages. Trust me, we don't get offended easily.

 

[Ols]

I know some good jokes, but they take audiences who don't get offended easily.


I didn't find anything funny in the joke above.

In European football competitions (the UEFA Cup and Champions League), in the knockout stages, an away goal "counts as double". Even though it doesn't count as double, it just means that if it's a draw, whoever has more away goals wins (because each game is played over 2 legs, one home and one away)

EDIT: And you and Nexus are completely right, it was an awful joke.

 

[The Lionheart]

Ah hell...

Little Jimmy came home from school one evening.
Walking into the kitchen, his mother asks him, "Hello, Jimmy. How was school today?"
Little Jimmy replies, "I had sex with a school teacher today, mommy!"
Shocked, Jimmy's mother says, "Go to your room and wait until your daddy gets home!"
Little Jimmy's dad come home from work later that evening and says, "Hello, honey, how are you?"
Little Jimmy's mom, angry, says, "I think you need to go upstairs and have a talk with your son. He says he had sex with a school teacher today."
Little Jimmy's dad walks up to his room and says to him, "Son, today you've become a man. C'mon, son, I'm gonna get you a bike."
So Little Jimmy and his dad are driving down the road in his dad's truck, and half-way to the store Jimmy's dad asks, "So, Jimmy, what kind of bike do you want?"

Little Jimmy says:

"I don't know, daddy, my ass is still sore..."

 

[Matt]

Mummy, Mummy, can I go to the toilet?


Yes Johnny, I'll take you in a minute....


Can Granny take me?


Why?


Her hand shakes.

 

[Ser Yorick]

Mummy, Mummy, can I go to the toilet?


Yes Johnny, I'll take you in a minute....


Can Granny take me?


Why?


Her hand shakes.

That's just wrong, lol.