Joke

[Incubi Priest]

You're mother's so stupid she believed that Lavi was a guy and that Ruukil wasn't 12.

 

[Cody]

A guy sees a mosquito wearing a lawyer's outfit.

Guy: Why are you wearing that?

Mosquito: Well, I want to become a lawyer. I was already a blood-sucking parasite, I just needed the briefcase!

Shamelessly stolen from the bee movie.

 

[Brandon Rhea]

Your mom is like a rocket ship flying around the sun and crashing into asteroids.

She's fat and stupid.

 

[Incubi Priest]

Your mom is like Ruukil...enough said.

 

[jediduncan]

I really only have one halfway decent joke in my repertoire... >.>



A Frenchman, an Asian, an American and a Mexican are all on a plane together. Suddenly, however, they find that the plane is going down! There's too much weight! The four of them rush to the cargo hold because they need to lose some weight or else the plane's gonna crash.

The French guy takes a large bag of bread and he throws it off the plane, saying "We don't need this, we've got plenty of this in my country as is."

Next, the Asian guy takes a big bag of rice and he chucks that off the plane, saying "We don't need this, we've got plenty of this in my country as is."

Now it's the American's turn, so he grabs the Mexican and throws him off the plane saying "We don't need this, we've got plenty of this in my country as is."

 

[Phil]

Your mom is like Ruukil...enough said.

Mmkay, I know your just kidding around, but you need to stop with the Ruukil jokes.

 

[Incubi Priest]

Aww, but they're so fun and easy!

...

Only because you asked Mulluns, and you're a good guy. Reluctantly I will stop. Very reluctantly.

 

[Captain Kara]

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?


Being shot in the head

 

[Brandon Rhea]

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?


Being shot in the head

LOL random!

 

[Will]

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?


Being shot in the head

Yours has a different punchline... The one i heard had 'The Holocaust' instead of 'being shot in the head'

 

[Ols]

What's green, furry, has four legs and would kill you if it fell on you?

A Pool Table.

 

[Matt]

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Claudia Schiffer are sharing a carriage on the Orient Express when it goes through a tunnel. In the dark there is a kissing noise followed by a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel the Englishman is holding his face and thinks to himself, what must have happened is Paddy Irishman kissed Claudia Schiffer and she went to hit him, missed and hit me by accident.

Claudia Schiffer thinks that what must have happened was Paddy Englishman went to kiss me in the dark, missed, kissed Paddy Irishman instead and got a slap for his troubles.

Paddy Irishman is thinking, 'this is great! I can't wait for the next tunnel and I'll make that kissing noise again, and slap that english c*** another one!'

 

[Incubi Priest]

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Claudia Schiffer are sharing a carriage on the Orient Express when it goes through a tunnel. In the dark there is a kissing noise followed by a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel the Englishman is holding his face and thinks to himself, what must have happened is Paddy Irishman kissed Claudia Schiffer and she went to hit him, missed and hit me by accident.

Claudia Schiffer thinks that what must have happened was Paddy Englishman went to kiss me in the dark, missed, kissed Paddy Irishman instead and got a slap for his troubles.

Paddy Irishman is thinking, 'this is great! I can't wait for the next tunnel and I'll make that kissing noise again, and slap that english c*** another one!'

Heard that one with several variations on who the three were, though I think I like yours the best.

 

[Ru the Boatswain]

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Claudia Schiffer are sharing a carriage on the Orient Express when it goes through a tunnel. In the dark there is a kissing noise followed by a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel the Englishman is holding his face and thinks to himself, what must have happened is Paddy Irishman kissed Claudia Schiffer and she went to hit him, missed and hit me by accident.

Claudia Schiffer thinks that what must have happened was Paddy Englishman went to kiss me in the dark, missed, kissed Paddy Irishman instead and got a slap for his troubles.

Paddy Irishman is thinking, 'this is great! I can't wait for the next tunnel and I'll make that kissing noise again, and slap that english c*** another one!'

thats perfect. I love that one.

 

[Jedi man]

A mexican and a black guy are in a car, who's driving?

The cops.

 

[Sabre]

Your mommas so fat, her high school graduation photo was taken from a helicopter.

 

[Matt]

Jesus is sitting down one day and is visioning the high rate of drug consumption on earth in later years. He thought it was a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sent his apostles out to find what drugs they could.

The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock: "Who is it?" "It's Paul"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Paul?"

"Hashish from Morocco"

another knock ...

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia"

another knock ...

"Who is it?"

"It's Matthew"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Matthew ?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

This continues for a while until finally theres a 12th knock on the door

"Who is it?"

"It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Judas?"

"FBI MOTHERFUCKERS!"

 

[Cailst]

Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. "Herr Altmann," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Der Stürmer! I can't understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?"
"On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Stürmer, I see so much more: that the Jews control all the banks, that we dominate in the arts, and that we're on the verge of taking over the entire world. You know – it makes me feel a whole lot better!"

 

[Sovereign]

Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. "Herr Altmann," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Der Stürmer! I can't understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?"
"On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Stürmer, I see so much more: that the Jews control all the banks, that we dominate in the arts, and that we're on the verge of taking over the entire world. You know – it makes me feel a whole lot better!"

Uh, they were anti-jewish riots in Palestine before the creation of Israel?

 

[Brandon Rhea]

Jesus is sitting down one day and is visioning the high rate of drug consumption on earth in later years. He thought it was a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sent his apostles out to find what drugs they could.

The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock: "Who is it?" "It's Paul"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Paul?"

"Hashish from Morocco"

another knock ...

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia"

another knock ...

"Who is it?"

"It's Matthew"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Matthew ?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

This continues for a while until finally theres a 12th knock on the door

"Who is it?"

"It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Judas?"

"FBI MOTHERFUCKERS!"

:CHappy::CHappy::CHappy::CHappy: